Category: writing

blog post 266

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, suicide, writing

I have been up very early this morning. I don’t know why but I woke up at midnight and then went back to sleep for a few hours despite taking some Ativan. I guess when it wore off, I woke up and I have been up since. I had an appt today with my neurologist. Nothing new to add except to try yogi for chair sitting. Didn’t even know that existed. She said there are videos on Youtube. So I am going to try that as a form of exercise but if it hurts me, I am not doing it.

Today my back is out of whack because the temperature keeps fluctuating and tonight is going to go down to the twenties. So much for Spring to be here. This will suck for baseball tomorrow night if the temp in New York dips to the twenties, though I think they might be a little warmer than we are. Least I hope so. I also hope it doesn’t snow. I have never seen a baseball game postponed due to snow but I am sure there have been, just not this early in the season, and the season just started!!

Since I got the movie Lincoln, I have been obsessed with it. I have watched it at least 5 times so far. I am going to watch it again tonight as there is no baseball. I just love the movie. My goal is to learn it word for word like I have for the movie Titanic. I am the geek that went and saw that movie in theaters something like 16 times. I also have seen it at least a dozen or more times since owning it.

I am at an impasse with my therapist. I canceled tomorrow’s appointment and I don’t talk with her again till Monday. I thought I was going to not talk with her again for two weeks as she had schedule conflicts on our normal tues/thurs times. I need a break from therapy so I decided to cancel. She just annoyed me big time yesterday that I couldn’t stand talking with her again. We have been going at it 3-4 times a week for the past month. I need some time for myself. I know I am suicidal and it probably isn’t a good time to take a break but fuck it, I need it. Yesterday after she got off the phone, I took a large dose of a medication used for my nerve pain to knock myself out. It did anything but that. I was up for six hours before it finally knocked me out. Probably why I am having so much difficulty sleeping. But then my psychiatrist thinks the sleep difficulties are because of my pain medication. I haven’t taken my pain meds in a few days because I am trying to ween off of them. I am tired of my primary giving me a hard time about giving them to me. Also tired of him telling me I need to lose weight. Same story every time I see him. If I could walk, it would be no problem but seeing as I can’t walk without pain, it is a problem. Now the big dude thinks that I have tendonitis instead of it being nerve pain. I know it is nerve pain because it only flares up at night, even on a day that I am doing absolutely nothing but keeping my foot up or sleeping all day.

I am also at an impasse with my book. I have been told to leave it alone and it will come to me later but I am not so sure about that. It is really difficult writing your history about how you are at your lowest point and how you survived it. Sometimes I have no idea how I get through a crisis. I just somehow do. I would plan my death down to the last detail, set a date and somehow, still not go through with it. I know part of it is because of fear. Fear of failing or being disfigured or worse, being in a coma. I had a terrible dream the other night about getting into a car accident because a semi-truck went through a red light just as I was passing on green and I died instantly. Then my family had no clue what to do with me or my things. All I kept thinking about when I woke up was I should write a note should something happens so that they know who to contact and stuff. Give them my passwords to my laptop and email and let my online friends know that I have passed. Sounds morbid I know but if I were to die tomorrow, you guys would never know about it and this would be my last blog.

worries

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, writing

Just had chipoltle for lunch. Now I am enjoying my Isla Flores coffee from Starbucks. There are no seats at Starbucks so I am typing this is the noisy atmosphere of the Mexican restaurant. There are a lot of people talking over some kind of Spanish jam.

I had to get out of the house today as I was feeling cooped up. Today the coffee if better with a hint of chocolate that makes it takes like a mocha. I love Isla Flores.

I got some disturbing mail yesterday from my Long Term Disability (LTD). I am really upset about it and if it is for real and not some wrong development, I have to repay them. I don’t know how I am going to do this as I am already pushed to the limit with my finances. I have no other income other than my SSD. If I really do have to pay them back I can forget about school. There will be no “extra” now and I will be barely scraping by. I still plan on taking a summer class just to see how I do but I think that will make me want to take more classes. This just sucks.

And of course the first thought that popped into my mind when I got the letter was killing myself. If I were to just throw a rope over my neck and take a dive off the back porch, that will solve all my problems. I know It will cause others but at least I won’t owe the government, Sallie Mae, and now my LTD over $150,000 dollars! I need to win the lottery.

I hate Saturdays. It always reminded me that I needed to work. I would bust my ass getting to work every week just to clean up the mess day shift had left me. Whether it be the MPA or the outpatients there was always left over work to be done.

After waiting almost a half hour in the cold for the bus, I am wicked cold. I am now in my flannel pajamas and under my flannel blanket to try and warm up. The temp was in the thirties, though I swear with the wind, it was colder. Now I am in my room and it still feels cold. I have socks, long sleeves, flannel PJs, and I am still fucking cold. I would turn up the heat but that would mean leaving my cozy bed and I don’t want to.

I really wanted to go to school this summer. I still have the money for it but I am not sure it will be a wise decision to make given the debt that I am facing. Plus I don’t want it to turn to a tease because I know I won’t be able to take another class for a while. This is of course, if I am able to register online without difficulty. This class has pre-reqs so that is the only thing that will hold up my registration, but if I have to go down to the school, that will be cool too. I don’t know if a book(s) are required for this class. But it will be interesting. Oh I really want to say to hell with the consequences and take this class!!!!

tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, writing

Tired

I took about three naps today. I just couldn’t get my motor running. I just wanted to stay in bed all day and that is basically what I did. I needed the rest from the past two days of running around.

I have been off my diet for the past few days. I really have been bad. But I don’t care anymore. I can’t see starving myself as a solution and I can’t see how cutting back on the food I love is helping because they are the only food that I eat.

I have not written in my book all week. I have stopped at where my therapist cries and I am not sure how to continue from there. I am still thinking about it. I was hoping to work on it today but I have been so exhausted. I picked up my niece and needed another nap. I didn’t have coffee today so maybe that is it. I hope that I can work on my book tomorrow or I will just get behind.

Dreaming about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, writing

Dreaming about being in pain

Today I woke up at 05:30 after having a dream that my foot exploded into pain. I woke up to find that I was indeed in pain. I had somehow rolled onto my back (I am usually a side sleeper) and crossed my feet, which my bad foot didn’t like. I took a couple of pain pills and then tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. The pain just wouldn’t ease up until the meds kicked. By then I became fully awake and have been up the past several hours. I am starting to get cranky to the point of yelling at my deaf mother for having the TV too loud. I just took some more pain meds and some Ativan to try and take a nap.

I had therapy again today. This time I just bitched about my horrible day yesterday and we talked a little about yesterday being the anniversary of why I got into therapy to begin with: my father. I don’t like him anymore today than I did 22 years ago. He is the source of my problems and last night even though I was struggling, I really wanted to cut like I did when this whole thing started. I won’t go into detail about it because I am just too tired to stir up memories of that night. Actually today is the day I first started therapy 22 yrs ago. But it was the events on the 5th and 6th that lead up to it and me wanting to kill myself. Funny how chronic pain changes you. 22 years ago I wanted to die because my father was and still is an asshole and today I want to die because I am in chronic pain, physically and mentally. I know that I never will have a dad though I still call him that. To me he is just a sperm donor. The love I once had for him has been long gone and it isn’t coming back.

The weather certainly has got me still in pain. My spine is still aching and my thigh is just in nerve pain hell for some reason. I don’t know why. I haven’t had this type of nerve pain for at least a year or two. I hope that it doesn’t indicate that my scar tissue has grown more on my nerve root. I am always fearful of that but then the docs will just chock it up to me being overweight and the weight is compressing my nerves. I had a conversation with a doc that said that even if I was normal weight or sub-normal weight I still would have the same back problems. Being normal weight or less than what I am now is not going to really change the fact that I have had four surgeries at two different levels and that I have a deteriorating spine.

Despite being up early, I was not so productive today. I had to cancel my eye appointment because there was no way I was walking on icy sidewalks and risk spraining an ankle in this weather. I had breakfast and lunch and my coffee. I just got my tribute blend coffee from Starbucks in the K-cups for the Keurig. I love this coffee. It is such a very full bodied coffee that just tastes so good. I just wish it would keep me from being foggy brained but I think the meds are kicking in…

On another note before I take a nap, I finally found my missing journal. When I changed the sheets the other night I placed it somewhere and forgot where I put it. I knew it was somewhere in my room because why would I take it out. But it got buried in a hamper so I didn’t see it right away. I haven’t written in three days. That is a long stretch for me as I usually write every night before going to bed. It helps to relax me. Which is probably why I have been so worked up the past few days. I started writing this morning and probably will write another entry before bed. I am so glad I found it because I really like writing on paper more than on the computer. Just an FYI, there was an article I read a few days ago that said that people read slower on electronic devices than a hard copy paper. I found that interesting that the brain has to slow down to catch up with electronics than it does with say a book. But then, that is how most of us grew up with, a book and paper. I find that I have to print out PDF’s because 1) I can’t highlight the information I am reading on a computer screen and 2) I like to keep the hard copy just in case the computer malfunctions or key drive gets lost.