Don’t know what leg to limp on

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain

So I’m inpatient. The nurse’s station is down the hall. My fucking foot has exploded (one with CRPS) and my good foot has an Achilles problem and hurts. I don’t know what leg to limp on. I can’t take pain meds for another hour because that is when the shift changes and the fucking computer system will allow me my meds. I just want to die right now. The pain is so bad. I know I sat down too much today. Having my leg down just causes me more pain.

I had a bad check in with my contact person. He got smug when I said I was going to go off on staff if they woke me up early. The new med is kicking my ass so I feel hungover when I wake up. I just want to sleep in. It will be Sunday for crying out loud. But he said I need to be up at fucking 800 for meds and vitals, which is bullshit because I can refuse both. Asshole wants to play games, I’ll play games back. I know my rights.

I am tired but I can’t sleep because I’m in a lot of pain. Another 30 mins more till I can hobble to the nurse’s station. This is why I have my pain meds by my bedside at home, so I have easy access during a flare. I might take some more ativan to help me sleep. I’m kind of upset that the flares have continued while in the hospital. The last time I was in, I wasn’t in so much pain. I was still on my meds but for some reason, the flares have gotten worse.I don’t have an explanation for this that I can say this or that caused the flare. I just know that I hurt.

I definitely need new sneakers. I think that will help the Achilles problem. I still need to see the specialist for it. But the office is outside of Boston and you need a car. I’ll have to use the zipcar to get there. When I can think clearly, I’ll make the appt.

Now my ankle has joined in the fun. Fuck. Why can’t I die???

Saturday blog 86

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Very dull day on the unit. The new med made me so hungover that I slept through the only group today. I think I have a uti so I saw medical. They are not doing a culture which I think is dumb. They are putting me on some med that will make it hurt less to pee. I also asked for some miralax as I haven’t moved my bowels the last few days. Taking the strong pain med has really shut things down.

I’m hoping a friend visits today but I haven’t heard from her so it may not happen. I think today is my aunt’s party so I don’t think I’ll be hearing from my family today until tonight.

I’ve been writing in my journal as nothing else has come up. I’ve sort of had a writing itch but things have been cloudy with the meds. Today has been really tough getting going. I hope the hangover feeling goes away.

One of my favorite staff members is on tonight. I had tried to send her a copy of my book but there was new policies in place so staff can’t get mail from pts anymore. Told her she would have to buy my book now. Haha.

I’m trying hard to stay awake but it’s hard. I want to nap so bad. I had sent an email to my therapist telling him I wasn’t happy with what he told the social worker yesterday. I think I need to find a new therapist. I tried to find the email my psych had sent me but my phone is unable to retrieve it. I put it in one folder and nothing is coming up when I access it.

I’m pretty bored. I might start a book on my kindle or read some Dostoevsky. But I’m going to watch the Sox. That will keep me occupied for a while. Unfortunately it is too loud where the tv is. I can’t hear the game. Annoying. But I can’t tell the other pts to be quiet. I’ll just follow it on twitter. Besides, the announcers are annoying me.
I’m starting to finally wake up and my brain is on fire. Fuck. Was hoping it would stay quiet.

Pain has been up and down today. I had a brief surge of pain while in my room but it quieted down. I hope that is the only flare I have today. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill.

Sleepy and painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychosis, transgender

I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. I had a flare up before I went to sleep which caused another psychotic episode. I was scared as the voices were so loud.

The staff woke me up around 815. I didn’t like that at all. Then my bladder said to get up so I did. I kind of missed breakfast so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I met with my social worker. She played voicemail tag with my therapist. Did I mention he is an idiot? He told her I was having conflicts at home that lead to my hospitalization. What those conflicts are, I have no idea. Guess he was paying more attention to his nails than telling him my pain was driving me nuts. I’m really pissed.

The covering doc saw me next and I told him I wanted a med change but was waiting for my doc to email me back. She was ok with it. I’ll be started on Invega tonight.

I went to group and during the group therapy I came out as trans. It felt good to have everyone’s support. Now hopefully they will use the right pronouns. 

I was really tired after lunch so I took a nap. I slept until some alarm went off. I thought it was the fire alarm so got up. By the time I put my sandals on, the sound stopped. I went back to sleep.

Pain had been up and down. Not too bad but it could get worse tonight. I’m still sleepy. I really don’t want to nap again so I made a cup of tea. I brought some with me as the hospital doesn’t have the kind I like. I kind of made it too sweet but oh well. I’ll know for next time to use two packets of sugar.

Second day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I had a low key day. I went to two groups and it wasn’t good. They were calling me lady and I took offense. Then one of the nurses used my birth name and I got really upset. I scratched it out on my ID band. I don’t fucking care.

I met with the psychiatrist, who I worked with before. Seems everyone wants to know where I stand in my transition. He will be off tomorrow and Monday.  The social worker is being nice, for now. She can be a real bitch though. 

I wasn’t too talkative when I met with my contact person this afternoon. I really had nothing to talk about. My head was pounding, which then turned into a migraine so that was fun. Then I had a physical by a nurse practitioner. She wanted to know more about my pain. I told her how it was and what I experienced. Her only advice was to keep a good bowel regimen. Thanks, tell me something I don’t know. Idiot.

I took a nap for a couple of hours. It helped my migraine but my foot pain woke me up. It was med time any way. They finally have the right dose of my pain meds so I am happy about it. I have both pain meds. I am glad. 

The doc gave me privileges. I can use my cords and stuff. They now have a charging station so I don’t need it. I might need one for my Bluetooth headset as they don’t have a mini USB. I’ll worry about it when it needs to be charged.

My room is still not as cold as I would like and is still musty despite keeping the door open. The rug is damp which is gross. Nothing I can do about it though. I don’t think the AC is on even though the air is blowing.

I called my mother. She wants me home. She didn’t like me telling her I would be out next week, possibly. Oh well