Tag: bipolar disorder

Sunday blog 5 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 5 Aug 2018

I’m listening to 1989 again. I spent most of the day sleeping because I woke up around 0530 in pain. Tomorrow I got to go to the pharmacy and get more meds. I can’t fill the ER ones but I think I can fill the ones I take as PRN. Sucks. My mother was in a lot of pain. By the end of the night, she could hardly walk and it was stressing her out. I have no idea if going through this type of surgery at this time of year was a good idea. But I guess it was better than during the winter. The humidity sucks. I will be giving my AC a break tomorrow when I go out. It has been running non stop for more than a few days. I will be going out MWF so I will shut it off then. It is supposed to be hot all week

I have been reading more. I finished the chapter in the Poe book today. I read it this morning before the meds made me sleepy. I took an Ativan because I wanted to sleep. When I got up, made a pizza for lunch. My brother in law brought up some leftover mushroom pizza. My mother had that. I don’t like mushroom. I just made the deep dish pizza I like. I have like three boxes of them. It is good personal size pizza. My mother doesn’t like it.

After I ate, I made coffee and then shaved my head. I was too hot to shower. The coffee made me sleepy so I just took another nap for a few hours. My sister called wanting me to check on her daughter. My other sister was making my mother dinner. My aunt was over with my cousin who has a 5 month old baby. I played with the baby for a bit before going in the shower before I sweat a lot. I had brought a change of clothes with me but it was too humid to put them on. I quickly dried off, wrapped the towel around me and made a dash to my room. I sat on my bed drying myself off again. I cooled off before I got dressed again. Then my sister wanted me to look after my niece. I went downstairs and she was in bed. She didn’t want anything to eat. She said she would call me when she was hungry. I said okay.

I went back upstairs. I didn’t have dinner yet. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was cooling off in my room. My aunt and cousin left. I decided to make bacon. I had to make it before it went bad. As I was making it, my cousin with bipolar disorder came over. He had done some stuff on his phone and wanted me to fix it. I asked if he wanted a sandwich. He did. So I cooked all the bacon. My mother didn’t want any. He was such a pain in the ass, asking about my mother every five minutes, like any minute she was going to have a problem or something. He was getting on my noise. I had a few bites of my sandwich and then undid what he did on his phone. He was done with his sandwich by then. He wanted me to fix his time out lock. I did that too. His settings were all messed up. He must have had all the phone “cleaners” that were available. I uninstalled all of them and those that were not supposed to be there. I then cleared his browser history and prevented pop ups from happening, which was how I think he ended up with all that shit on his phone. He was talking to me about his mother or my mother the whole time. I was sweating bullets. He looked at my haircut and said the guy did a good job. I said I shaved the sides and back. He was incredulous. He said I did a good job. I finished with his phone and handed it back to him then finished my sandwich. Luckily he took off after saying goodbye to my mother. He said he would come up tomorrow. I hope I am not home, LOL

Saturday Blog 4 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 4 Aug 2018

I woke up in pain around 0800. I decided to take my morning meds early. I used the bathroom. My mother was eating breakfast and my sister was doing something in the kitchen. She was walking all around so I have no idea what she was doing. I went back to my room and slept till 1100 or so. I wanted bacon but it was so damn hot to cook. I thought about putting it in a frying pain and just sticking it on my back porch for the sun to fry but it was cloudy. It would rain in a few hours.

I got up and made the bacon. I asked my mother if she wanted some and she said no. She wanted a cold cut sandwich so I made her one. My aunt made her a sandwich yesterday and didn’t close any of the bags properly which pissed me off because the cheese fell on the floor. I was so mad. The bags couldn’t be easier to close as they have the zip closers on. She completely destroyed one of the bags. Idiot. I had my bacon sandwich and it was good. I haven’t had one in a long time. I mostly been making bacon and egg with toast. I might make that tomorrow morning. I wore my aircast, once I had it on right. Damn thing is a bitch to put on.

I went upstairs after I ate and was going to sleep. My mother called saying she needed something. I said I would be down in a minute but I drifted off to sleep. My mother was mad. Oops. I went downstairs to give her what she wanted and then asked her if she wanted coffee as I wanted some. She said yes. I made it and brought it to her. Then she says she wants some pie. I got her the pie. I was walking back and forth from living room to the kitchen. My ankle was killing me. I emptied the ice trays as we had little ice. I used some for my coffee as I made it iced. She uses a lot because she likes her water cold. I don’t blame her as it’s really hot in the house.

I went back to my room and just played on my phone, reading Twitter as I drank my coffee. I thought about reading but didn’t feel like it. I read a long chapter in Norse Mythology last night. It was kind of funny. You will have to read it to understand it. I love this book so I don’t mind taking my time with it the second go round. The first time I read it in a day and a half. I couldn’t put it down, and it has been a LONG while since I have been able to do that. Most books I struggle to get through a chapter, except the Harry Potter books. Those I can read without a problem because I love them so much. It is a nice escape. I bought another Thomas Waite book because it was 99 cents. I haven’t read the 1st book. He is coming out with the third in the series. I got the 1st book when I was paranoid and delusional. The book is about cyber spying so I knew it wasn’t a book to read at the time as I have a tendency to get lost between reality and fiction, especially when I am psychotic.

The game was starting when I got hungry. I asked my mother what she wanted and she didn’t know. I went downstairs and she said to make her one of the frozen dinners, the Salisbury steak. I really like them. I made it for her as my burger was cooking. My middle sister was sleeping on the couch. I have no idea why. My mother finished her meal and so did I. My sister comes in the kitchen and then yells at me not to buy those dinners anymore. WTF. Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can’t buy??? My mother told her she doesn’t eat them all the time, just once in a while. My sister proceeded to tell her how bad they were. Go the fuck home! I was so annoyed. I buy them so on days I can’t cook because of pain, I will have something to make.

After dinner, I was so fricken hot. I needed to cool off in my room before tackling the dishes. My mother needed a pillow case and my sister said the sheets in the dryer need to be put on the bed. Great. So when I was cold, I went downstairs and did what I needed to. I had to ask my mother what to do with the bacon grease. The heat kept it from congealing. I didn’t want to throw it down the sink. My mother said to put it in a plastic bag and throw it away. OK. I did that as the other frying pan soaked for a bit. I then washed my coffee pot and the pans. I was sweating bullets. Surprisingly, I didn’t take a bath while washing the dishes like I usually do. I went in the living room to rest for a bit. It was slightly cooler with the ceiling fan going. I then tackled the bed. It was hard because it is a day bed so has a rod on the side. I had to move the mattress to get the sheets wrapped around it. UGH. Then my mother said I didn’t make it right. Tough! I told her I wasn’t her so she would have to live with it. I asked her if she needed anything else. She didn’t so I retreated to my cold room. I am staying here, unless I need to use the bathroom. Tomorrow I got to shave my head and shower. I wanted to do that today but my ankle was hurting too much.

3 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

3 Aug 2018

I left my house around 920 and didn’t come home till around 1645. It was a long day. I made breakfast and packed a lunch. I didn’t finish it all so I might have it for dinner. I wore my black air cast in a white sneaker and my white AFO in my black sneaker. It was mismatched. I didn’t care. My psychiatrist commented and I said I think I am going to keep this set up. It was funny. That was the only laughter of the day.

I met with the pain doc. He was not helpful. He said I could find someone else, he didn’t care. He wasn’t changing my dose as he didn’t think it was going to do anything. I told him I was in a lot of pain and there were times I was suicidal it was so bad. He didn’t listen. The only thing I got out of him was to take my breakthrough med before appointments. Thanks. He gave me the exact same things and I left. I can’t fill them until next week because they are the same. I might be able to get my breakthrough meds on Monday because I technically got about ½ a month of meds. I am so fed up.

I met with my psychiatrist and I nearly had a breakdown. I told her it was over. She said she was here next week then gone for three weeks so she said I was “unstable” so therefore I am seeing her next week. Whatever. I don’t care.

I went back to the cast room as I wasn’t sure how to put the stupid thing on and it was bothering my Achilles. It was a different person and she said it was too small for me. Okay. So now I got an extra cast as she couldn’t re-use it. Don’t know what I am going to do with it!

I got home and was just a sweat bucket. It was so fricken humid. The little rain we had did nothing. Someone has been eating my snickers bars. I am not happy. I don’t know what happened to my regular size Milky way dark bar is. I was hurting and sweating so much I just grabbed what I could find and went upstairs to cool off. I am glad I wore my diaper as I leaked. Not a lot but it helped to absorb the sweat and stuff. I felt so much drier wearing it, even though it was annoying me by the 5th hour.

I noticed when I was finally resting in my bed, that the stupid AFO caused a sore on my leg. I might have to put some moleskin on the circle thing. I know it is because the humidity is so crazy right now. I told my sister today that I wouldn’t be able to make it to the booze cruise in a couple of weeks. There is no way I can maneuver the stairs with two braces on each ankle. I had a hard time managing last year with just the one brace. The stairs are really narrow to, it being a boat and all. I feel bad. She said she will see if her husband can go. I think I will be wearing the air cast for at least 6 weeks, maybe longer depending on how well my tendons and stuff settle down. I am still mad that I am hurting after 17 years of dealing with CES. It just never goes away and just when you think it is, it shows up again. I told my sister and she was like how can you trip over your own foot. I didn’t answer. I felt bad enough.

My legs feel like jelly right now. I just have to go to the bank tomorrow for my mother. It will be in the morning. Maybe I can get some pizza for lunch. I don’t know. But that is the only things that I plan on doing. I am not going out to the Square. I am going to try and hug my AC as much as I can. I think I am going to change my sheet Sunday. I just wrestled with the foam thing to put it on my bed so it isn’t hang off my bed and on my nightstand. It will probably last a day at most before moving again. I really hope duct tape works.

Sprained Ankle? Sprained ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sprained ankle?

So yesterday, I tripped over my own foot. It had gone inward and I lurched forward. I knew it was more than it because I felt like I moved something and it was painful. Later last night, my foot was hurting and I looked at my foot and it was pretty swollen. I put ice on it and the brace that I had been using for my left ankle. I couldn’t wear it long because it was annoying my Achilles problem. I called this morning to see if I could get it checked out and they had a late afternoon appt. I decided to get my haircut in the morning.

I checked on my mother and she didn’t need anything. No one was coming today, which I thought was odd. They would be coming tomorrow. I went on my way. The bus was early and I forgot the bus schedule was more frequent at that hour. When I got to the Square, the barbers weren’t open yet, so I went to Starbucks to get something to eat and have my espresso. I had 5 shots and a bagel. I didn’t write. After I finished the bagel, I went to the barbers and they were open. I was the first customer so didn’t have to wait. I was glad. I got caught up with the my buddy. He gave me back my dish. After he cut my hair, I went back to Starbucks to write for a bit. I had three hours before my appt. I didn’t want to sit and write for that long. I ordered a large iced coffee. I thought it would help keep me awake but it made me sleepy.

I decided to go home for a bit. I took the dish and my cup out of my bag. I forgot to put the cup in the sink. I changed my T-shirt as it had hair all over it. It was hot in the house. My ankle kind of went out as I was going up and down the stairs. I put the moleskin padding on my AFO as I knew the humidity was going to irritate me. It stayed on and I wasn’t irritated.

I went to the doc appt. I had a resident, who was behind. I waited. Then was called in. My feet were hot so I was grateful to take off my socks to cool them off. The doctor came in and I told him what was wrong. It was a little concerning as the foot drop was kind of new but I stressed it only happened when I was fatigued and usually on my way home. He said I sprained it and I would need an x-ray and a brace. I was hangry so I was very frustrated. CES again caused me trouble after all these years. I went to the different places. I was wearing my sneakers with Velcro straps rather than laces. It didn’t stretch that much and it was a tight fit. The brace pretty much immobilized my ankle, which was good. I was thinking of getting the same kind of one for my left so it wouldn’t cause me so much pain but I will save that for when I see whomever. The resident was going to try and move up my appt so I can get some care. I kept thinking today is Friday for some reason. I just want this week to be over.

I took the train home and waited for the bus. I listened to Pearl Jam as I was so frustrated. I seriously wanted to kick someone’s ass but there was no one. I came home and my aunt was still there. She said they just ate and why didn’t I let them know. ??? I just walked in the fricken door. I sat down in the chair and showed off my new brace. I was very hot as the humidity seemed to kick it up. The house was totally unbearable. I left my AC running. It was too hot not to. I couldn’t let my meds get hot, they would become yucky and possibly ineffective. I was hungry. I cooled off and my aunt yelled that she was going home as I was talking to my her son. She said my mother was “alone” and I said to myself, what am I, a ghost? He said that I had quacky doctors and went off. I told him good-bye. I was fed up with dealing with idiots who have no idea what I have been through and have their own idea of what is wrong with my ankles. It is all stemming from my nerve damage and that made my ankles weak, hence why I was tripping over them but because it happened 17 years ago, they don’t put the things together as I am seen as “abled bodied”.

My mother was lying on her bed when I came downstairs to make my dinner. I wanted a turkey sandwich so I made one. I had chips with it. Then I took a cool shower. I felt better after I ate. I realized then I was hangry. I told my mother what my aunt said and she laughed. I was so tired afterwards. I decided to take my meds early and go to sleep. The game had just started and the Snakes scored 4 runs. It didn’t look good. I told my other cousin buona notte, I wasn’t feeling well. In my rush to get some sleep, I forgot to take my night pain meds so I was woken up. Now I can’t go back to sleep. I didn’t plan on writing a blog today but here it is. I feel better now that I wrote about this. The pic is what I now look like with the AFO (ankle foot orthotic) and the air cast. I got to follow up with the doc to find out how long I am to wear it.

My malleolus was acting up when I got to my doc’s office. Now it is blearing. While I was in the shower, it moved some way that hurt really bad. It felt like it wanted to expand my arch or something. It felt like I had sprained it but I don’t see how that was possible as I didn’t do anything to it. It might have just been a cramp. I know I am dehydrated. I have been parched the whole time I was at the doc’s office. I didn’t have cold water, just the hot bottled water that was in my bag that was gross. I had leaked again while I was out and about. I smelled of pee so bad so I needed a shower. Tomorrow I am going to wear a diaper. I have no choice. I just hope the stupid thing doesn’t leave lint shit on my privates or in my ass. It is a cheap diaper but it works. I feel so embarrassed about it. But nerve damage is not something you can mess around with. I am not leaking more than usual or anything. I just am not feeling myself when I am full and the overflow is what is leaking. Then I get the urge to go. Past two days I have been ignoring the urge so I leak. That is life with Cauda Equina Syndrome!