Tag: bipolar disorder

The end is near! (about Dostoevsky)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The end is near! (about Dostoevsky)

So a couple of years ago, I got on a Dostoevsky kick. I wanted to read some of his books and a few that were popular but never got a chance to. I got this bundle on Kindle for like two bucks and it was a collection of his books that I wanted to read. I started the Brothers Karamazov. Six months into it and I just felt like there was no end to this book. I looked up the chapter list on line as with an eBook, you can’t really tell if you are progressing or not. The percentage thing wasn’t working for me because it was for the entire collection, not what I was reading. I eventually lost interest and read other things, intending to go back but never did.

Then this week as I was traveling to my doctor’s appointment, a guy was reading the book and I bought it on Amazon, the physical book, to see where I was. This pic shows I am not that far from finishing it!! I feel better knowing this as even though I had 20 or so chapters left, I had no idea how small or big they were. I plan to make this my June goal to finish this book. After the Sox games, I will read a chapter or two. Tonight the game is at 8 so if I am stuck with painsomnia, I will try and see if reading helps.

If you have never read Dostoevsky or heard about him, he is a Russian writer from the late 1800’s. He suffered from epilepsy and would have visions prior to having fits. His book the Idiot talks about this and describes it in good detail. His writing style is kind of like mine where I can start writing and then go off topic for a bit, losing the original thought. His Diary that I read was very much like this. I remember reading one day and he said he was going to talk about three things. He started talking about one thing and three hours later, the chapter ended without mentioning the other two! I had only picked up the book because one of the suicidologists that I followed had mentioned that Dostoevsky wrote about suicide notes. It was only a fricken paragraph and it was near the end of the diary, volume 1. Never finished that book either. It was monstrous. I thought about getting volume 2 but never did. I don’t remember why.

I’ve spent most of the day on social media. I also took a few pics of things and saved some pics to post, either to Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. I was kind of bored. It was too hot and humid to go out. Just going to my kitchen was a struggle. My legs still hurt and my right calf is hard as a rock. I get the cheap massagers Sunday. I don’t know why I am not getting them tomorrow as I had 2 day delivery but oh well. I am getting a shitload of things tomorrow. I went on a spree. My groceries will be delivered because I just had to have my sweets. I also ordered steak and burgers. I hope everything comes in.

I found out this morning that the new antidepressant causes nausea. It happened within 40 minutes of taking it. I took it without Zofran, but then had to take it because I was getting sick. I emailed my psych to tell her I was not going to take it unless she wanted me to take it with the Zofran. I guess there isn’t an antidepressant that I can take.

I foolishly bought a new Bluetooth headset. I might be returning it because it is kind of heavy, which I wasn’t expecting. It also takes four hours to charge, which kind of sucks. I have to have them fully charged before I can use them. If I don’t like how they are after the first use, they are going back! Amazon also had a deal where you get 3 pens that I like with refills. So I scored them. I am a pen freak. I only have 6 dozen+ I don’t know how many others. I have them in every bag and backpack I own, as well as pants/shorts pocket. I try never to leave home without a pen. It’s like the American Express card, don’t leave home without it.

payback is a bitch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Payback is a bitch

I know I was hurting yesterday when I came home from my appt and getting my phone fixed. Today my legs were so damn sore. The back of both my legs made it impossible to walk. I did my one thing, which was to get the trash and recycles out of my room. I also dumped a box so now I have a little more access to my desk. Eventually I will get the pile of old mail that is on my desk and go through it. Maybe I will do that tomorrow as it is supposed to be hotter and humid. I hate the heat. Just going out to the bins made me so tired. The bags were only in the sun for maybe 5 minutes and they got so hot. I am sure if they were left, they would have melted.

I mostly stayed in my room. A friend on Twitter told me about these dog teeth cleaning toys that are cheap and you can use to massage your legs. I had posted that I had difficulty getting to the floor to use a tennis ball on my legs and she suggested that. The one I saw on Amazon was spikey so not sure if that was what she meant. She said Walgreens might have them, so I am going to check them out the next time I go out.

I’ve been listening to the radio while playing on my laptop and phone. It just hurt to do anything. I took a pic of my ankle this morning and didn’t realize it was so swollen. It just feels like there is a knife in it and I’m being stabbed repeatedly. Standing hurts. I might have to wear the boot the next time I go downstairs as my ankle almost gave out while coming back to my room after dinner. I am so tired of being in pain.

bitch rant about everything today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bitch rant about everything today

So my fucking pain woke me up *kindly* at 3 am. Took an hour and half to get back to sleep. When my alarm went off, I didn’t want to get up. I stayed in bed for 45 minutes, literally down to the minute to get up to use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and then get dressed to catch the bus. I got to the bus stop and checked the schedule. The bus wasn’t coming for another half hour to the Square so caught the other bus to catch another bus. I got to Starbucks and joyfully had my espresso. After yesterday’s hassles for caffeine fix, this was heaven. I had a sandwich and then had to catch the train. My pain had gone down, and I was suspicious but just kept going.

The doc was about a half hour late. She said I could take the allegra twice a day until allergy season was over (I have year round allergies, so don’t know what this means!) My lungs were clear and then I begged her for a chem panel to check my electrolytes. She put the diagnosis as bipolar 2 as she didn’t think my insurance would cover with a bronchitis diagnosis. Whatever. This was at 11 am. Still no labs back. I hope my potassium isn’t elevated.

I went to Boston’s Back Bay area to get my second phone fixed. It was going to take an hour so I went across the street to Starbucks so I could write in my journal. It was a nice day. The Starbucks didn’t have seating inside so I sat outside. I was by the Public Gardens and when my phone was done, I so wanted to walk through them but I was already tired and knew if I tried, I would hurt.

I went a different way home. I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus. I came home and I was just wiped out. I wasn’t having too much pain in my ankle/foot. I went up to my room and I nearly collapse. I just had a severe wave of exhaustion. I wanted a nap but couldn’t seem to settle down. I made a couple of phone calls. I ended up with voicemails so had to wait for callbacks. Luckily, both called me back and I was able to settle the issues. I will be seeing my former PT next week for my groin issue. I sent her an email saying I would be seeing her soon and the reason why. I am glad I don’t have to go through my history as she knows it.

After about an hour and trying to figure out what to have for dinner, my ankle flared and I got a migraine. I was just not happy. I was also frustrated. My mother was watching some show with bad violin playing. I complained on Twitter and some Canadian responded saying it was a PSA for strokes. I had no idea what she was talking about. She then explained, like I gave a shit. She also sent me a YouTube video. I didn’t watch it. I don’t fucking care. Leave me the fuck alone. I said my mother was WATCHING not that she was playing a violin. Jeez.

My mother then went to the kitchen and turned on the TV. My head exploded so I wasn’t going to the kitchen right then. I figure I would wait till she was done and then get something to eat. 45 minutes later she is still there and doing the dishes, with the TV full fucking blast. I went downstairs. As I made an egg, I lowered the TV. When it was done, I said are you watching the TV. My mother said no do you want to change the channel. I said no, I want it off. She then asked if my ears hurt. I said no, I have a migraine. She sarcastically said something and walked away. WTF. My mother just doesn’t understand anything that is wrong with me, be it a migraine, my psych issues, my CRPS, etc. Leave me the fuck alone. I ate in silence until my mother turned the TV in the living room on and turned up the fucking volume. Thanks Ma. I wanted a hammer so I could smash the fucking thing. She has closed captioning so why she needs the fucking noise, I have no idea. Even on mute, the words come on the screen. I was fuming and it wasn’t helping my head or ankle.

went into a flare when I went back up to my room and my nephew came by. We chatted and flare seemed to settle. Went downstairs and my mother wanted coffee so I made it for her. Took of my glasses because my head was still hurting. brought the coffee to my mother and went upstairs. Reached the top of the landing when I realized I left my glasses in the kitchen. Do’h!!! Guess what flared again????

feeling lost

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling lost

I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I couldn’t write. My brain was all messed up due to pain. I hate that it is interfering with my writing. My blog is my baby and I have nurtured it so much and now, I just can’t keep up with it every day. I didn’t want to write today but I am scared that if I fall into the fuck its, I might not get back into writing. I am hardly journaling anymore.

I went to therapy today and told him that I had trouble getting a cup of decent coffee. Starbucks had their racial bias training today so were closed. The first place I went to for a soy latte was horrible. I paid $8 and I swear bile tasted better than this shit. Then I went to coffee where I spent another $3 for just cream, water, and sugar. If there was coffee in there, I didn’t taste it. Then when the bus went by another coffee shop, I knew I should have went there first! I totally forgot about them. I will try them next week when I have therapy.

Session went okay. I was scattered and was talking about various things. I told him my spending is kind of getting out of control. I am making these impulsive buys, even at Walgreens. He said that I was missing something. Okay. That was the only feedback I got from him. Then it was see you next week. Oh well.

I was hurting by the time I came home. It was hot out so I was sweating. I really didn’t feel well. I wanted to shower but I wanted to rest a bit. My mother was cooking dinner so I had that and then I showered. I took a nap and felt worse afterwards. I had turned the AC on so my foot was frozen. I shut it off but kept the ceiling fan on. I hope the room doesn’t heat up.

I made an appointment with my PCP for tomorrow. I won’t be seeing him but one of his colleagues. He is never available when I need him. I got the bill for the walk in clinic and nearly croaked! It was $250! I am pretty sure they did not charge my insurance. I know the highest co-pay would be at least $50. I need to call them tomorrow before they charge my bank card. Totally ridiculous.