Tag: blog

nervous and just waiting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Nervous and just waiting

I got everything sorted out as much as I can. I think I will get up at 6 tomorrow so I can shower and take my meds. T shot has been given. It was a little bloody but it got done. I hate when I hit a vein. I am so nervous about tomorrow. I treated myself to a chicken, ziti, and broccoli dish and was only able to eat half of it. I haven’t eaten anything else. Nerves are too much. I might have an Ensure with my night meds as last night I took it on an empty stomach and felt sick. I am supposed to have at least 350 cals with the Latuda. Usually I have a big meal around 4-5 but I wasn’t hungry yesterday. I can’t eat anything after 10pm and then can only drink clear liquids until 830a tomorrow.

I had my last PT session today. She gave me some tips for after surgery. I really am going to miss her. She encouraged me to get PT after surgery once I am able to. She left it up to me as my doc said I didn’t need it. I can always get the order from my PCP. I picked up a thank you card when I was at the pharmacy to pick up my psych meds. It was the last of the meds I needed for the month. Everything else is all set.

I keep doing little things as I think of them. Like making sure I have a bag of Gatorade by the bed. It might be hard to bend down so I am going to put some on a shelf by the bed so I just have to reach for them. I haven’t moved the basket out of the way yet. I will in a little while. I am so fucking nervous and I am trying to calm down. Sox had a double header and lost the first game. Our bullpen sucks now and I don’t know why that is. It has been months since the sticky stuff ban so they shouldn’t still be bad but they are. Also doesn’t help that when bases are loaded and no one is out, no one can get a fucking hit. They will ground into a double play or have a pop out or strike out. Kills me hearing it. I don’t watch the games because sitting up hurts my leg.

I shaved after I showered and I think I missed a spot on the back of my head. I will have to go over it the next time I go to the bathroom. I like that I have been keeping up with the shaving. I don’t know if I will after surgery. Depends on how much pain I am in standing up. I am worried about post op pain. I have enough meds so I know I will be comfortable or at least I should be comfortable. I have a friend that went through this not too long ago and she helped talk me through aftercare. I am hoping to be numb for a while.

anxious about upcoming surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxious about upcoming surgery

My anxiety is helping me get things done that I need to. I took out my trash and recycles today. My new sponges came early today so I took a shower with it. The special soap got really lathery with the sponge so I think I am going to use that from now on. It was tough getting in the shower because I didn’t feel like taking one. I knew this was going to be an issue. I didn’t wash my hair as I washed it yesterday. Tomorrow I will shower when I get home from PT. I will probably be sweaty. Today was cooler but there was humidity in the air. I had to have the AC going to keep the air dry in my room.

Therapy went ok. I don’t know if I will see her next week. It depends on how I feel. I honestly don’t think I will be able to keep an appointment. Maybe the end of the week I will but not our usual Mon time. I am to text her the end of this week to let her know how I am doing. One text though. I probably will text her Thursday when I am up to it. Most of the anesthesia should be out of my system by then. We worked on a pain schedule where I would have an alarm go off every 4 hours to remind me to take my meds. She was insistent on this. I created a timer on my phone for meds and I will create one on my med alarm app as well. Sometimes I can sleep through the timer sound. It would be good for me to be up then I can empty my bladder.

I plan on giving my T shot tomorrow so I don’t have to worry about it for Wed. I have to take it a day early because I am not sure I will be in good space to take it on Wed. They want me to hold taking it till after surgery that day but I don’t want to be a day late in taking it.

Sox are off tonight and have a double header tomorrow. I don’t know when game 1 is. I will have to check the website. I should be home for it. It will keep me calm somewhat. It will definitely be a nice distraction. I am sure my anxiety is going to be worse tomorrow. I just home I am home by at least 7pm Wed so my friend doesn’t have to wait all day to pick me up.

Sunday Blog 15082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression

Sunday blog 15082021

I had a lot of things to do today as I listened to the ball game. I did my med boxes for the week, putting in the right pills for prep on Wed. I then made a little bag up to make sure I had enough caths and pads for after surgery. I think I am going to have some bottles of Gatorade on a shelf near my bed so I don’t have to bend down to pick them up. I ordered tacos for dinner. I am still waiting for them to be delivered.

I took a shower with the special soap I need to use. It is very liquid and does not lather well at all. I just took a quick shower. I can’t use the soap on my privates so I had to use regular soap. I feel better now that I am showered and my anxiety is a little less. I just need to empty my recycles tomorrow. I was going to do that today but I don’t feel up to it.

I listened to 8 innings of the Sox before getting too anxious about showering. My back flared up but it settled down once I sat down for a bit. They won 6-2, sweeping the O’s. They are off tomorrow and then play the snakes in the Bronx. They play two games but there was talk of a double header so I don’t know. My calendar doesn’t put in rescheduled games, which really sucks.

I think I am going to read tonight. I haven’t read anything in weeks. I have been really bad at scheduling time to read a book. I mostly just read Twitter, which lately has been depressing me because of all the virus cases and anti-vax idiots. It just hasn’t been fun lately. I try to get the pets and animals pictures so it can have some brightness to my day.

Tomorrow I go for my Covid test. When my med alarm went off this morning I thought today was Monday. I am so fucking nervous about everything. I think I will need an Ativan before my night meds. I just washed the new clothes I bought. I have to wear female underwear because I need to wear a pad for a week or two after surgery. I am not ok with this as I find it demoralizing but a pair of boxers doesn’t hold a pad so I don’t have a choice really. It won’t kill me to wear them for a week or so. I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. It calms me down to hear her voice.

The tacos I ordered came cold and were not so great. Last time I order them. This is the second time they arrived this way and an hour late. I might have a yogurt. My leg is flared up from all the standing I have done today. I just took some meds. My lower back is aching so I took some Tylenol, too. I got to call my PT place to find out if I can see my PT if the Covid test isn’t back yet. Last time it took a little more than 24 hours for me to get results. Each PT visit they ask if we have a pending covid test or had a test within the last 24 hours. I don’t think it will be applicable to me because a doctor ordered it for my surgery not because I am having symptoms. I have been careful to wear my mask all this week and the week before when I go out. I just hope I can sleep tonight and not be up all night because I have to be up early to get ready for the test before leaving the house. I will have Starbucks on the way home because dammit I deserve it!

therapy and self-validation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression

Therapy and self-validation

Today has been a day. I had woken up around 330 because I had to pee. I made sure my bladder was empty and didn’t drink anything after I cathed around 2130 so in the 6 hours I had made urine and it had to be emptied. I kept on having weird dreams about going to the lab to drop off a urine specimen and the first sample was robbed. When I went to give another one, all the bathrooms were locked. You needed a key code to unlock it. I woke up groggy and hung over. I didn’t want to get up but I wanted coffee before therapy so I got up. I really need to start getting up when I wake up, as long as it isn’t between the hours of 12-4a. I am willing to get up at 4 if I know I can nap, which I usually can.

Therapy went a little stressful. We continued our conversation from last session about self-care and coping skills. We spent the entire session talking about how to use coping skills and such. I told her that my sister invalidated me and there is no way in fucking hell she is ever going to have compassion for me being disabled so I got to learn self-validation to overcome the feelings. It is something I am to work on till our next appointment.

After session, I took a shower. It was much needed as I was all sweaty and stinky. I shaved and trimmed my hair a little bit. I did the right side better than the left. The shower caused me so much pain. The shaving caused my arms to flare up so washing my hair caused my upper back to cramp up. My feet were bothering me or cramping because of me shift weight on them. The shower mat doesn’t cover all of the shower floor so I had to be mindful of where I stepped or I would slip. Drying off I almost fell forward as I almost lost my balance. It was not a good experience. I was exhausted and needed a little nap before heading to the pharmacy to get my meds. It was ok resting but I didn’t sleep.

After the rest I went to the pharmacy. I did ok getting there but on the way home I was short of breath. It got worse as I walked home. I tried to slow my pace down but it didn’t matter. I got within three houses of mine and had to stop to rest. I took the mask off so I could breathe better. After a few minutes, I continued home and then rested on my front porch. The mail came so I sorted it as I sat down. Once I could breath again at a somewhat normal pace, I went into the house and went up the stairs where I lost my breath again. I washed my hands like I always do when I come home. I had dropped off my sister’s mail at her apartment and then took a bottle of water which I immediately downed. I rested in my kitchen for a bit, trying to recover. I was thankful my mother was in the other room so I didn’t have to talk to her. Once I finished my bottle of water and was breathing normally, I went upstairs to my room. I cooled off as I was sweating from the exertion and heat.

I had a cup of coffee and some yogurt after my shower but after the trip to the pharmacy, I was really hungry so I ordered Chinese food. I wanted my Kung Pao dish that I have been ordering lately. It is the same restaurant and I get it reordered from UberEats. It was awesome and now I am just going to rest the rest of the evening listening to Taylor Swift. I think I am going to color in my coloring book for a bit as there is no game tonight. I am wicked tired but I don’t think I can sleep. I have surgery in 9 days. I hope it helps these cramps that I have been having the past two days. It has been awful. I go for my urine test on Wed. I ordered my groceries so I will have them delivered tomorrow afternoon. I want to make sure I have enough Gatorade because I won’t be able to lift things for several weeks after surgery. I just re-read the post op instructions and it will be six weeks before able to lift anything greater than 10 pounds. Which means I won’t be able to do the weight exercises like I have been doing. Damn. I also can expect to be tired for up to 4 weeks after surgery. Great. I will be taking a lot of naps I guess.