Tag: blog

therapy was boring

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Therapy was boring

I had therapy today. She talked more than I did, which I guess was fine as I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was kind of sleepy and couldn’t get myself motivated. I didn’t bring up the stuff about pursuing CBT because I didn’t want to give false hope. This is kind of a one shot deal. Either it works or it doesn’t. I am not saying it will cure me but if it helps me cope a little better than what I am doing now, then it will be worth it.

My therapist and I talked about pain. She wanted me to take the stronger pain pills as they were providing me relief more than my regular pain pills. That is only because my pain has been more severe lately. She wanted me to bring this up the NP and I told her I tried but she wasn’t receptive to adjusting the medication. I guess I will have to wait until the new PCP comes in to talk about this stuff.

Then she kept going on and on about how I am living with this pain, like I have no clue. There was no talking to her today. She wants me to see her and I told her I would see her next week. She misses me. Little nut that she is. I told her if my check comes in next week, I would see her. I also told her that I wanted to get a burrito today. It didn’t happen. After session, I fell asleep. I really didn’t mean to, it just worked out that way. So no coffee or burrito today.

My hot water tank is still broken so we still don’t have hot water. I am getting pissed because I really want to take a shower. I might have to use my sister’s bathroom. I only fear using her shower because she has a bathtub and with my mobility issues, I sometimes can’t clear the side of the tub. Last time I took a shower there, I almost fell. Not something that I want to happen. I hate that we are dependent on my damn brother-in-law’s schedule to have things done. He takes forever to do things because he doesn’t prioritize what should be done first. I can’t stand him. I think fixing a hot water heater should come first than something else, especially if the tank is leaking. If I had the money, I would have hired a plumber already.

I can’t seem to get into a writing groove today. I really want to go back to sleep. I haven’t taken any pain meds today so I don’t understand why I am so sleepy.

Random 662

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have taken all the pain meds that I can tonight and although I have some relief, I am not 100%. I have decided that if I am not in as much pain tomorrow and can walk, I will go to Chipotle and get a burrito. Lately, the burrito has become my comfort food. I don’t know how this happened but it has. I suppose I could have worse things in life.

I was able to have some Oreos and milk tonight. I really wanted to have it as I kind of didn’t have dinner tonight. I had some cereal for my breakfast when I got up around 1 and then I had a tuna sandwich about an hour or two later. Then I fell asleep and had weird dreams. I don’t remember them but one of them was about Stargate SG1. That was getting to be a fun dream before I woke up because my crazy fucking cousin kept calling me. He wanted to talk. I told him I was sleeping and he thought I was at Starbucks. Idiot. I was supposed to call him later tonight but I forgot. I will call him tomorrow.

I have therapy tomorrow or should I say, later today. Actually, it’s in 12 hours from now. I can’t really sleep because music is playing in my head. The music keep shuffling the different songs. It is annoying the crap out of me because I really want to sleep. I have already taken my trilafon, but it doesn’t help with the music running through my head. Nothing helps it.

Sox won tonight. They keep on talking about the “magic” number being 9 but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if that means they will win the division or be secured in the playoffs or what. There aren’t that many games left in September so I’m guessing it’s to secure the AL East division or clinch the playoff birth.

My therapist doesn’t know about my CBT plans yet. I will tell her if it goes through. Right now my plans to kill myself are still on the table. I can’t let it go because it is what I feel I have to do. The thoughts are slowly fading so it’s not so pressing that I need to go through with it. But I like keeping that option open just in case. I just hope my therapy with my therapist doesn’t interfere with the CBT process. That will just suck. I can’t imagine that it will though because it’s a specific form of therapy and it’s different than what my therapist practices. I just hope it’s not more than once a week because that will be a lot of therapy.

I’m falling asleep so I guess the meds are kicking in right now. Peace.

Post 1952

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1952

Not having a good day. Every time I wake up, I am in a lot of pain. My ankle is hurting severely and I only have left my bed to use the bathroom and get something to eat. If I dare move it, it cramps up on me. It’s driving me crazy.

Last night I went to chat and had to restart the laptop because I was having connectivity issues with the internet. In doing so I lost the page which had the CBT number for me to call. I called and left a message today after I used Google to find it again. To my surprise, they called me back today, about two hours later. They asked a bunch of questions and then said that the clinical director would get back in a few days to set up an appointment and such. I could hear back from them by the end of the week.

Our hot water tank is leaking so we have no hot water until it gets fixed or replaced. If I need to shower, I’d have to use my sister’s bathroom on the first floor. Given my current pain issues, that poses a problem as stairs kill me right now. So I will just go without a shower for the next few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning but it only caused me pain. I might have to take the strong pain pills tonight if this doesn’t let up.

Sox are playing in Baltimore tonight. I will follow them until I pass out again. I am not too interested in the game today. Last night I started reading “Dark Tide”. It’s a book about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. This massive molasses tank collapsed and millions of gallons of molasses spilled all over Boston’s North End. Apparently, there were problems in construction and the head business guy that wanted the project done fast never properly tested the tank. They didn’t have OSHA back in those days. It’s pretty interesting and I am liking the book a lot.

I also read a few chapters of Dostoevsky. I am now in the 9th book in Brothers Karamazov. I think there are 12 books total so I am close to being done. I think I have like 30 chapters or so left to read. Some are short and others are long. I can’t wait till I finish. I was hoping to read “Crime and Punishment”, but I think I am going to take a Dostoevsky break. I have been reading him for most of the year. When I started reading earlier this year, I didn’t expect my depression to get so bad nor my father to die in the midst of my depression being so deep.

Sunday Blog 20

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 20

I totally got the times for today’s games all messed up. I knew the Sox game was in the evening and I also thought the Pats game was, too. Fortunately, the Pats were on at 1 so I could watch both games without having to switch channels.

My mother made a gravy today. It smelled so nice. I love the smell of Sunday gravy. While I was watching the game, I was stirring it occasionally. The meat wasn’t done yet so I didn’t have any. But it smelled awesome. Then while we were finished with dinner, I went to throw away some napkins. I literally took about 1 and a half steps when my ankle got into intense pain. I couldn’t move or stand on my left foot. I hobbled back to my chair and sat for a few minutes. It wasn’t passing so I then hobbled to my room upstairs. My ankle didn’t like it one bit but I was hot and needed to rest the damn thing. I couldn’t do that from the kitchen. Fucker that it is.

I put the AC on in my room and tried to rest it when I realized I hadn’t filled my med box for the week. I took some pain pills and waited a little bit. I was really sleepy and wanted to go back to sleep so I decided to fill my box despite the pain. I was careful not to put my full weight on my foot and I was close to the bed so I could lean on it. My ankle has been kind of bothering me most of the day but it just got worse when I went to throw out those napkins. I guess the walk I took yesterday really messed up my ankle and I didn’t realize it. Oh well. Guess I won’t be going to the MFA this week like I was hoping to.

I don’t understand how my ankle gave out on me as I really didn’t do anything today. I took a nap for most of the afternoon during halftime that just leaked over to the rest of the game. The Pats had the lead and I was sure they would have the win, even though in the last quarter was a little hairy. My sister was panicking and having heart attacks. I was glad I didn’t watch it.

Now I just got to wait an hour before the Sox game starts. I don’t know if I am going to be up because of the meds I took. I also had to take an Ativan because of cramping. It may or may not knock me out. I am frustrated that I am in pain for no reason. I could see if I did something to cause myself pain, but I really didn’t do anything I don’t normally do. Carrying a napkin isn’t heavy and I didn’t walk far to the barrel. It’s just so annoying.