Tag: blog

just cause more agony

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I finally got out of the house today. I haven’t showered yet because I wasn’t sure what kind of day it was going to be bowel wise. I would hate to shower and then my bowels decide it was going to let loose on me, forcing me again to shower. So far, it doesn’t look like it is one of those types of days. This is what I have to live with every day. All due to nerve damage. All because a disc was ruptured and entered my cauda equina nerves.

As I was walking home, the Story of Us came on my mp3 player. It is a song by Taylor Swift and I think I am going to write out the lyrics and send them out to my therapist. We are again at an impasse. She still needs valium for her to calm herself when I start talking about suicide so I haven’t been talking about it the past few weeks. I have closed myself off from feeling it. I know that I shouldn’t but if I can’t talk about it without her going wonky, where does that leave me? Alone with my thoughts. Alone with harmful thoughts. And what is ok, is that I am ok with this. I have been alone with these thoughts before. It’s nothing new to me. People can’t deal with it and I am ok with it. The alternative is involuntary hospitalization and that will just cause more agony.

Part of the lyrics is “Now I’m standing alone in a crowded room and we’re not speaking,
And I’m dying to know is it killing you like it’s killing me, yeah?
I don’t know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now”.

And “This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like they care less,
But I liked it better when you were on my side. The battle’s in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you’d rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.

I wish she would lay her armor down and we could talk things out. We have tried to work on this impasse but I think what she is asking me for (my promise that I won’t kill myself) is just too much for me to bare right not. I can’t promise something I know I can’t keep. I know the likelihood of me actually going through one of my hare brained plans is slim to none but she doesn’t know that. She should by now. She knows I am a planner and a date picker. But that is all that I am. I am tired of being those things but I don’t think I have the lethality in me to really act on my plans. But I know that if I don’t try, just one time, I will feel bad. I don’t want to see 2014. I don’t want to live to see another birthday. And it hurts because I know sadly that I will live to see both because I am a coward.

Today I asked for the 17th off for personal reasons and when she asked what those were, I said I couldn’t tell her. HAHA I couldn’t tell my therapist, who deals with personal stuff, what my personal reasons were for having the 17th off.

can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

I am writing this after being up for almost an hour now. I woke up from my “nap” at six in the evening and now I find that I can’t go back to sleep. I am tired so I know that I can but something is keeping me up so I thought I would write for a bit.

I got my new suicidology book, Treating Suicidal Behavior today. One of the reviews on Amazon said that it was wordy. Now I know that to be true but I wanted to read more about the commitment to living piece that I read in another article by the same writers. This little tidbit is not going in my book. It’s not that I don’t understand it, it is just that it goes against my grain to list it. And my book mostly deals with David Jobes. I like his work better. He doesn’t follow a specific discipline such as cognitive behavior therapy.

my therapist wants me to write up a CTS (commitment to treatment statement) but I am not up to it. Already I feel like I am pushing her in ways she doesn’t want to be pushed, that I again have to take charge of my treatment when this woman should already be doing that. It is exhausting. Taking charge of your own treatment is exhausting. Friday when I see my pdoc, I am going to tell her I want to be on Remeron again. if only for a few weeks. I need to sleep through the night and I am not. I just feel that maybe if I take a little antidepressant, it might work enough so I don’t kill myself this month. Though I really don’t want to live to see 2014. I really don’t. I am not prepared. I wasn’t expecting to live this long and I am. Can’t that be a statement? That if I don’t want to live anymore I have the right to end my life? I think it will be easier than trying to come up with a statement that is for living that I know is just going to sit on my therapist’s desk and not go anywhere. Yes we will sign it and all will be good for that session. Then the next session will go back to talking about stupid things and we will forget about our agreement that we made the session before. I could get crafty. But that will involve thinking more than I should. I just don’t want to be here anymore and if I don’t know why I don’t want to be here anymore, there is no point in going on. yes we can say that my childhood is the reason why I don’t want to be here. I was abused in more ways than one and thought about death all the time because I wanted to escape that living situation. I still want to escape. I want to escape from the pain and darkness that has invaded my soul.

I didn’t write this in a word document like I usually do. I am kind of anal about my blogs and how they are organized. but sometimes you just have to free write. 19 days.13 to end this. maybe my story about ending my life will become true.

it sucks living with CES

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I still have been in a weird mood. I don’t know why. Seems so weird that last week I was in the depths of a suicidal depression and this week I am the complete opposite. I am not manic or anything because I am eating and sleeping at least 6 hours. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. I am a little more depressed today than I was yesterday though so maybe I am going back to my normal depressed self.

I editing my book today and I just felt sad about it. People are going to be reading about my condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and know about my difficulties going to the bathroom and my issues with taking a shower. I know I shouldn’t really put it out there but my book is compiled of my blogs. SO the words are out there. I have not gotten any criticisms or negativity on my blog. But I don’t know if my book will make the headlines or anything. It will be the first book that I know of dealing with CES and what it is like living with this condition. The thing is people need to be aware of this condition because it can happen to anyone. It doesn’t discriminate. I am no medical professional but trust me you wouldn’t want this condition to happen to you. It sucks living with CES. You have medical professionals that don’t care after you have had surgery about the nerve pain or the nerve damage that leads to possibly another chronic pain condition known as CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). You get this condition and you are pretty much in pain for the rest of your life. I have the milder form of the condition so I am not in a 10+ pain every day but there are days when I do nothing and it flares up. Lately I have been ok with pain so maybe that is why my mood has shifted. But while I was walking home tonight, I got within the corner of my block and my foot acted up. It was killing me by the time I got home. It feels ok now that I have it up and I am laying down in bed. Thank god for laptops.

Not only do medical professionals deny that you have damage, but they also forget when you remind them the next appointment. I go through this every month I see my primary care doctor. It is like I am seeing him for the first time for my ankle pain, every single month! I get so frustrated. And now he thinks he found the cure by having a cortisone injection. I don’t want an injection. I don’t believe in them and I believe they can cause more harm than good, especially to joints. Plus, it isn’t an exact science. There is only a 50/50 chance it will work. Why should I go through the pain of having needles stuck in me for a 50/50 chance? No thank you! I don’t like those odds. Just like I didn’t like them for my back problem. Sometimes it works for people, but with my luck, I will be the 50% that it won’t work. And I am NOT going to be the one to say yea I will have it done JUST to have it done. Again, No Thank you! My body, my rules. I am not going to have anyone dictate what should be done with it. Pain medication is working for me so why not stick with that? I know that eventually the pain meds will stop working for me or I will have a dependence on them but as long as my doctor prescribes them, my life is manageable. And isn’t that the important thing?

sleepless night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Listened to the Sox win the game. I can’t sleep. It is too hot in my room despite the A/C cranked. My ankle is killing me and I just took an Ativan to try and calm down as my thoughts are squirrelly. It’s going to be a long week as the Red Sox are on the west coast this week which means the games are going to be late ones. I have not missed a game all season, though I might have fallen asleep during one or two. Listening to monotone voices will do that.

I miscalculated my numbers for reaching 10,000 views for my blog. Unless I can get 40 views per day over the next two weeks, I am not going to reach it. My average is 20 views per day so I seriously doubt it is going to happen. But, stranger things have happened. I got 143 views in a single day. If that happens again, I will be in good shape. The nice things about knowing the stats is where the views come from. Today I had about 10 different countries looking at my blog. Usually I just have the US, Canada, the UK, and sometimes Australia. Today I had those four plus Bolivia, Belgium, and India. I forget the other countries.

I hate it when I can’t sleep. It makes me really restless and the more I try to sleep the more restless I get. Which is why I am writing. Sometimes writing will calm me down enough to sleep. I don’t feel racy. My thoughts are just going around in circles because my ankle pain is driving me nuts. I had a deep stabbing pain earlier this evening and now my ankle and foot are on fire. I can’t seem to find a comfy position to put my foot. I am a side sleeper and usually sleeping on my right side will ease the pain but not tonight. So I switch and that makes it worse. I can’t sleep on my back because I will have to raise my feet up so my back doesn’t hurt. And I am too lazy to grab my trapezoid foam cushion to put my legs up. I know I am making excuses. But it’s tough being in pain this late at night. If I am not asleep by two thirty in the morning, I will take another dose of my pain meds. I can’t take anymore right now because it will be too early.

Because of my suicidality, I have been thinking of going in the hospital but there is no way that I can. Not with the way my current pain med prescription is written. I will only have one pill every six hours. That is not going to do me any good, especially when I am in this amount of pain. And if I get a flare up in the hospital, which I most certainly will, I will be beyond screwed. I know I did too much today and now I am paying the price. I hope tomorrow will be better but it already is tomorrow.

My mood still sucks. I still feel like I am in a bottomless pit. I hate it. I have tried to get out of it a few times today but it seems every time I try, the deeper I am sucked in. I have listened to good music to try and keep my spirits up but it has done nothing for me. Just made me think more about why I am single and not in a relationship. Made me think of my ex-girlfriend who I know I hurt once again. I have been meaning to try and text her but I know it is probably for the best that I leave her be. I miss her though. I miss talking to her. But she is crazier than I am. Because of this, I broke up with her again. She just doesn’t realize that she is hurting herself in ways and I can’t be around that. I have tried to point it out to her several times and still she goes back to the same behavior so I put an end to our relationship. It was difficult to do but it had to be done.

Maybe that is why I am depressed. I have not told anyone about how I feel about losing her. Everyone has told me to dump her, that she isn’t good for me. But yet I have not told anyone how much it hurts being apart from her. I know she isn’t good for me and I am probably not good for her, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings got hurt in the process. We have known each other since high school. It really hurts to see this relationship end because of differences of opinion and her wanting to be the victim all the time. And she not taking care of herself. That is what killed me. We are 90 miles away from each other and I couldn’t be there for her even if I wanted to. And another reason why I ended it. No long distance relationship lasts.

I guess I will stop here as it is approaching 2 am.