Tag: cauda equina syndrome

fears are rampant

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Just when I thought my fears were behind me, they were right there in front of me all along. I woke up from my nap and had to pee really bad. My mother was in the bathroom so I had to wait. Not really good with someone with a nerve injury but it was too late to go to my sister’s apartment to use her bathroom. I didn’t have to wait too long and when I sat on the toilet, I couldn’t go. I already had retention on starting, but it seems to be getting worse. I was trying to relax so I could go and eventually I did but it wasn’t a powerful stream and it seemed to take forever to empty my bladder. Least I hope it is empty. I don’t know what this means, well, I kind of do. Tomorrow I need to push up the MRI date. If the disc is affecting my nerves to bladder, that can only mean trouble. I really don’t want to have to cath. I know people do, but it always leads to infections and such.

I haven’t had a number 2 either lately. I am always constipated so I don’t know if this is just a missed day or what. I am fearful though. I took a senna tonight to get the ball moving again. I didn’t take one last night because I forgot. I am back to my hodgepodge med taking week. I’m just taking whatever I feel like taking because I am too lazy to fill my pill box.

I hope this was a one time thing, that my fears that my bladder function is in peril is just that, a fear. I don’t think I can stand the poking and prodding to deal with this, just to move up my MRI in the ER. The thing is, I should have excruciating back pain like I did the last time I had CES and I don’t. I have a little pain but it’s not excruciating. It’s minor compared to what my ankle feels like.

I wish my therapist was here so I can talk to her about this. I can email my psychiatrist but I don’t want to worry her. She’ll probably tell me to go to the ER anyways, something I don’t want to do, especially right before the New Year. I’d rather have a psych admission than go to the ER for this. I guess I should be grateful that it’s not the other extreme where I lose control of my bladder all together. That is something that has been terrifying me the last 15 years or so.

Nyquil is kicking in. Maybe I can just sleep on it and this will all be just a dream.

Sunday Blog 27-Dec-15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 27-Dec-15

I had a busy day. My groceries came soon after I woke up from a weird dream. I put them all away and then had breakfast. My back has been sore most of the day because of the damn rain and the temp dropping more than 10 degrees. It’s not really painful just an ache that won’t go away.

I got mail. My DVDs that I ordered came in so tonight I will be watching It’s a Wonderful Life. I also got a letter from my neurosurgeon’s office telling me when my MRI is. It’s two weeks from now. I am not happy about this. I think I will call and see if I can be seen at another location. They have quite a few at the hospital I go to.

My prescription was ready to be picked up and I went because I wanted chips. I didn’t order them with my groceries. I usually don’t order junk food unless I am craving it or think of it. But today while watching the game, I wanted something to munch on. The game went sour so I decided to have a beer. Then the game really sucked. I threw away the beer and went upstairs to my room.

I haven’t had time today to read or write. I honestly don’t know where the six hours have gone to. My ankle is killing me, probably because I have been going up and down the stairs all day. My sister called me after the groceries were put away to tell me I had presents. There were two gifts that I didn’t open. I got a Sox umbrella and a nice comfy bathrobe. It will come in handy after showering. I really like this gift as I never had a bathrobe before, not a nice one anyway. I had a hospital one but that was it.

I can’t believe that in two weeks my therapist and I have been seeing each other for fifteen years. I also can’t believe it’s been fifteen years that I have had CES, cauda equina syndrome. I have had it twice in my life. The first time was fifteen years ago, second, nine years ago. The third is pending.

I checked the Powerball. No one won. I still have another chance to win, if I remember to play. My brother-in-law gave me some scratch tickets for my birthday. I won six bucks. I will cash it in and get a few quick picks for the Powerball and Mega Millions. That pot is over 117 million bucks. It would be sweet to win that. I used to play my own numbers but they never came out and I never got a number or two. So now I just do quick picks.

I am very tired. I am going to try and have an easy night. I hope I get to sleep at a decent hour. I still have to fill my pill box for the week. I also need to shower but will wait till my ankle calms down some. I don’t have any plans for the week as my therapist is on vacation. I just have to see my father Thursday. The rest of the week is up to me. I want to go to Starbucks tomorrow so I can write this paper about psychache. I have been thinking about it the last few days but nothing concrete has come of it. I have an opening quote from the book but I still don’t have a beginning sentence. I hope to have it done by the end of the week.

CDC and Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, suicide

“I invite chronic pain patients who rely on medications & are still alive, to offer their expertise to the public conversation.”
Terri A. Lewis, PhD

This statement just rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, it infuriated me because there are so many people taking their lives because they DO NOT get medications due to the opioid policies some doctors have. The CDC is proposing that primary care doctors PCP’s no longer prescribe narcotics for their patients. I haven’t read the report but it was stopped only because a lawsuit was threatened if it was published. The guidelines were written by people that had NOTHING to do with chronic pain. Therefore, it didn’t make sense for them to have these guidelines. I would write to them but I fear that if I do, I will be prosecuted for my actions down the line. Call me paranoid. I only take 4-6 pills a day and if that were cut, so would my life.

The statement also implies that taking these medications is a death sentence waiting to happen. This isn’t true. There are plenty of people who SAFELY take these medications daily and are still alive. Yes, there are some that do NOT because they go to different doctors and the combination of other opioids makes them sick. My ex’s neighbor died from an overdose because of this. Had one doctor been prescribing, her friend might have lived a little longer. She was terminally ill with something other than cancer. Obviously, she is the one that is “not alive” to come forward about these supposed guidelines.

If Primary care docs can no longer prescribe these medications, where are chronic pain patients supposed to go? “Pain clinics” only want to experiment and give injections, usually because it’s more money than writing a script. I have seen two pain doctors and they both didn’t want to take over the pain management I was under. They just offered invasive procedures and when I refused, I no longer was a part of their care. I’m sorry but there is no research to support that the injections would benefit me. I wish I kept the report that contradicted the injections. There was an article a few years ago that said that it was more dangerous to have them than not. I am not going to risk have something called arachnoiditis for the sake of a pain clinic writing a script for my pain meds, when the pain meds already work for me.

I need to have my primary care doctor continuing to prescribe me these medications. It’s safer and easier than seeing a specialist. The meds help me to function better, though I rarely take them when I am outside the house. They make me too drowsy to get on the bus and train. So I suffer through my pain to get to where I need to go. Taking my four tablets a day is not killing me. It’s keeping me alive enough to see another day. Because without them, I would seriously end my life. And I don’t think the CDC wants that.

fears still there

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Well the fear of seeing the surgeon is over. Now the fear of the MRI is back on. Tomorrow the secretary will call me with an appointment. I am going to try and hydrate myself between now and then so that my veins are “lovely”. I’ve had the runs today so I think drinking fluids will be a good thing. I was taking fiber but I don’t know what happened. Too much I guess.

I am really tired and sore from all the walking and standing I did today. I had therapy but my therapist was more nervous about things than I was. I hate when she gets like that.

I’ll write more later.