Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Moods Have Changed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Moods have changed

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up like every two hours. I had to change position because I was in pain. It totally sucked. Around 0830, I thought I would shower but my mother was in the bathroom. So I decided to wait. Then I had to go and it wasn’t pleasant. I was still in pain every time I had a number 2. Seems like today is shit day because that is all I have been doing since 0900. I wanted to go out but that is not possible. I went to Walgreens okay but that is a short walk. I have two extremes, loose soft/diarrhea stools or hard as rocks stools. Even with the senna, I don’t have a medium. Only time I have one is when I have regular movements which seem far and in between. I am so damn miserable.

I had therapy today and we talked about all that has happened since we last talked. We talked about the insults my father gave me, the drinking, and, inevitably, my suicidality. I have picked a date and I am moving towards a plan. Fuck this pain shit. Fuck my father. I can’t stand either, one more than the other, you choose which. I don’t care anymore. She wanted me to come out to see her but I don’t have the funds to. I don’t get paid till my birthday. I will be dead by then, I hope.

We talked about my writing. She asked what will become of it once I am gone. I told her it will just stay on my laptop. No one will do anything with it. Right now, my “book” is barely fifty pages. No one knows the files. I am not that organized. And besides, some of the stuff is on my blog anyways so anyone could make a book out of it. I just don’t care anymore.

My therapist asked me what would be the one thing that wouldn’t make me so suicidal. I didn’t have an answer for her. She then asked what my reasons for living were. I told her none. I hate when she goes through these things. It always makes me feel a little guilty. And that is all that she was trying to do, was lay a guilt trip on me so I would continue to be. Why would I want to live when every time I have a damn bowel movement, I have pain as well, sometimes for hours? She brought up getting an MRI but I am too scared to know the results. I know there have been changes in my back. I can feel it. Whether or not it requires surgery, that is a different matter. And I am copping out before I know the truth. I see my PCP next week and we have a lot to discuss. I doubt MRI is going to be on the agenda. It’s going to be our last meeting as he is leaving. My thigh pain seemed to have settled down, which has settled down my PTSD symptoms. But I am tired of being in pain or wondering when I am going to get hit with CES x 3. I can’t go on like this. I feel like I am on a shaky rope and someone has finally cut the other end of it. I am dangling at the edge and no one sees it or can help me get up. So I am giving up. I will fall to my death.

Baseball Movies and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball movies and other things

I watched a League of Their Own tonight. It was not as funny as I thought it would be but it had its moments. I found it really good. Now I want another baseball movie. I took my meds a little while ago so I am not sure I will be able to watch the entire thing. I am thinking Love of the Game will be next. I love Kevin Costner and this game is more baseball than any movie that I have seen so far. I still want to own Bull Durham and Major League. I have not seen these movies. I rather read books. I also want to see Sandlot. I heard that is a funny movie. My favorite actress, Teryl Rothery plays in Sandlot 2. She always has small roles in movies and TV shows. She is a good actress and don’t understand why she doesn’t have a bigger role. She did in Cedar Cove but the show got cancelled after the 3rd season. I am really going to miss watching it.

My back and thigh are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I am so scared that I might go to the ER tomorrow. It’s not like me to have back pain and leg pain at the same time unless something is seriously wrong. But then I have been thinking…if something is wrong, I will most likely need surgery, which will mean that I got CES x 3. I can’t live with that. The rehab is tough and having the surgery doesn’t mean that I will be 100%. Every time I get this syndrome, I lose function in some extremity and it takes me a long time to recover. Last time it occurred, it took me 8 months to have a fully functioning left leg, well I thought it was fully functioning. My ankle didn’t turn out to be fully functioning but no one noticed this. I sometimes lose perception of where my feet are so I need to carry things in one hand while holding on and looking at my feet to see where they are. Otherwise, there is a great chance I could fall down the stairs. I did that a few years ago and it wasn’t pleasant. I want to email my psychiatrist to get her input but she is having surgery for her own problems this week. I don’t know why this shit has to happen on the weekend. The problem started last week with twitching and now has moved to pain. I don’t like this progression. Today I was crapping without having to force myself to. I have no idea if that is normal or not as I am so used to pushing to get shit out. But the shit was flowing, on its own and I felt it so I don’t think I am losing control of my bowels. It’s so damn sad that with everything that goes on, you have to go through a mental checklist to see if you are normal or not. If this didn’t happen then you are fine. If this happens, then you are fucked. I hate this syndrome with a passion. It has you self doubting all the time. And because it’s the damn weekend, you can’t just call and talk to your doctor. You can talk to the doc on call but they don’t know you from Adam and your background.

Part of me thinks I will be okay until Monday. I should have made an appointment for this week so I could at least get scheduled for an MRI. Now I got to wait unless I go to the ER tomorrow. It will suck because chances are I will be there all day. I kind of want to know what is going on yet I don’t. I just know my back is hurting coupled with leg pain and I know that isn’t good. I am also scared that because my back is so messed up, I might have to get a fusion. If that is the case, I will never be able to work again. Every one that I know with a fusion never heals right and always has problems and worse pain than before surgery. I don’t want to go through that. I rather kill myself than go through that.

Can’t Find My Beanie Hat

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can’t find my Beanie hat

Since getting my new haircut, my head has been cold and I need a hat to keep warm. I thought it would be the perfect time to wear a beanie hat but I can’t locate the thing. I think I gave it away because I didn’t like the way if fit or never really wore it. That was when I had hair. Now I am just down to less than a whiffle so I think a beanie hat would be perfect to wear. But it’s missing. It will turn up when I am looking for something else. I don’t even know where my knitted hats are. I will need to find them as winter is approaching. In searching for the beanie hat, I have found many swim trunks. Now if I ever go swimming, I have several pairs. I also found a pair of scrub pants that I thought were gone. They are a cranberry color and they are my favorite. I don’t know if they still fit as I have gained weight since buying them. They will make nice pjs in the winter, if they do fit.

I slept really late today. I couldn’t believe I slept till 1030. I had breakfast and then read some more of the Civil War book. While I was reading it, I forgot to take my morning dose of my blood pressure pills. Another missed dose as it’s too late to take it now. I meant to take it when I got up but forgot. I turned off the app alarm telling me to take it and it just slipped my mind. I hate taking morning pills for this reason.

My butt is still hurting me today. I had another movement and that caused me some pain. I wish there was something I can take for it but there is nothing. I just have to wait till it passes. It sucks. Nerve pain has to be the worse kind of pain there is because narcs don’t touch it at all. And that just makes it worse as far as constipation goes. I’m just glad I didn’t have to labor my movement this morning. That just makes the pain worse. I have been having bowel cramps the past hour or so. I think I might have another run at going. Just hope it doesn’t kill me.

It’s been three weeks now since I bought Eric Church’s newest CD. I am glad it’s on my MP3 player because otherwise I might have worn it out. I haven’t listened to nothing else. I have thrown in a couple of Carrie Underwood songs but the majority of the music is Church. I just love this album and can’t go back to anything else. If I am not listening to it, the songs run in my head. It doesn’t run in a psychotic way but the songs will shuffle through. I have thought about throwing in his song “Springsteen” but that will mess up the tempo of the CD. It like an addiction right now. I know eventually I will go back to the other music I bought but right now I need Church’s music. I can’t explain it.

I was emailing a friend of mine that also has CES. We kind of bitch to one another about the pain that we are in as we understand what the other is going through. She has been such a good support to me through the years. She lives in my state so we have seen each other a couple of times. I think we last met in May or June of this year after the horrible winter we had. It took until then for the commuter rail to get back to a normal schedule. The T has been “winterizing” the trains, though I have no idea how they are doing this. They show pics on the Twitter feed about what they are doing but I don’t know how that is going to help. I just hope this winter is not as bad as last year. It’s warm today so that is a good sign we are not going to be having a crappy winter. I think we can’t have another brutal season because last year it was already cold in December and just got worse through March. I know that I have to come up with some kind of walking thing at home in case I get snowed in for a week or two. Last time I spent most of February in the house and when I started walking, my calves cramped up pretty good because I was using them. I really don’t want to go through that again as it was awful.

I haven’t had lunch yet. I was going to order out but my funds are short. Turns out the order I placed never charged me and so I didn’t have the money I thought I had. I am glad I didn’t make a withdrawal or I would be in the red. I still don’t have the stuff I ordered. It won’t come for another two weeks. The place I ordered from charged my account for each item I ordered. It totally confused the hell out of me because I didn’t make transactions in a few days. I hate when you order stuff and they break up the purchases. Drives me nuts. Amazon will sometimes do that, too.

Random 123

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So far my day had been ok. I read my Civil War book and wrote a little more on my short story. I had a nap that was good until I woke up with my good foot hurting. Soon as I repositioned it, it felt better so I am not sure what its problem was. I had lunch after my nap. I was going to have a cheeseburger but decided to make a peanut butter and jelly roll up. That was good. Think I will have my cheeseburger for dinner. My mother made awful chicken wings last night. She used ketchup as a sauce. I only like ketchup with fries and tater tots. She didn’t have any BBQ sauce. I think she should have checked this before defrosting a whole bag of wings. I would have gone to the store to get the sauce. My mother just doesn’t think sometimes.

What turned my day bad was my damn bowels. I again had to push like I was in labor to get the stool out. It hurt like hell. I have been taking fiber pills and senna as I haven’t gone in a few days. I think the hard stuff is out but I still feel uncomfortable. My ass is killing me with nerve pain so it’s very uncomfortable to sit. I go through this with every single bowel movement. It hurts but usually it goes away. But if I am straining to go, the more I hurt. Now I am in a bad mood because I am in pain in place that shouldn’t really be hurting. Every time it hurts, it just reminds me that I don’t have normal bowels anymore thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome. It stresses me out. I just want to die right now just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I really was expecting the fiber pills to soften my stools to make it easier to go. I guess that plan didn’t work, least not yet. I can’t take too much because if I do make soft stools, I will lose control and crap my pants. I will lose it if that happens. I’ve already come close to crying once today.

Today is National Cookie Day so I had one of my molasses cookies that I bought. I have been craving them for some time now. But I was only able to stomach one. I am so backed up that food doesn’t interest me. I think about eating it, but when I actually get it, I am turned off by it. I hate feeling this way. I should have had coffee today but it’s too late now to have a cup. I had a cup of tea with breakfast and that just put me to sleep. I will have it tomorrow. Think I will make the Brazil coffee.

The temp is in the forties, but it feels colder in the house. Even my laptop is cold to the touch. We are supposed to go up to the 50s this week. I hope we do. I can’t take the cold because it’s bothering my hip/back. I wanted to vacuum today but my hip has been talking to me most of the day so it’s not happening. I would be hurting more if I attempted to do it. I wish my mother didn’t bring the big vacuum downstairs. It would have been easier for me to vacuum with it than the little dirt devil that I have. Oh well. If I felt like lugging it back upstairs I would. I am surprised my mother brought it down the stairs. I am always so fearful of her falling because of her knees giving her so much trouble.