Tag: chronic illness

pens and nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pens and nerve pain

The other night I couldn’t sleep because of pain. It was like three in the morning so I went shopping on Amazon for pens. They didn’t have the ones I was looking for and I ended up buying like $50 worth. There were like 5 or 6 different kinds of pens, all black ink but the same brand that I like, Uniball Jetstream. They were supposed to come today but there was a delay for some reason. Now I don’t know when I am going to get them. I ordered some more pens the next day, different colors this time and fine point. I usually go for medium point but I liked the style and the colors so I got them. I am crazy about these pens.

The past several hours, I have been dealing with nerve pain in my foot. I had physical pain in my ankle. Then it moved to my foot and it changed to burning. I felt the bottom of my foot where it hurts the most to see if it was hot. It wasn’t. It hurt to touch it. I took a large dose of Neurontin. Hopefully I can sleep through the night.

I was talking with a friend via text about different things. We both suffer from depression so were exchanging our troubles. We both love the Star Trek universe. It was fun talking to him. I told him I recently bought the Star Trek: The Next Gen complete series. I still haven’t watched a single episode. I am not going to watch the pilot episode, Encounter at Farpoint because it’s lame and I have seen it a million times. I keep meaning to watch it but I am still scared of dissociating or the voices coming back to haunt me.

Speaking of Star Trek, Canada has or will be coming out with new Star Trek stamps. I will buy them when I find out when they come out. I bought the first set. It will be cool to get the second set. It’s of the entire Universe so it doesn’t focus on the Original series. I think the movies might be in this collection but I am not sure. From what I saw in the promo pic was the captains of each series. It will be cool to have them.

My foot is giving me grief so bad right now. I can’t stand it. I just hurt so bad. I already took a strong pain pill and my regular pain meds. I shouldn’t be in pain or at least, I should be sleeping. I might have to take an Ativan to relax as I am getting keyed up because of the pain. It’s just annoying me and I can’t settle down.

Tomorrow I plan on changing my sheets, which will be an all day affair. Of course, it all depends on if I am awake enough to do it. Usually when I am up late, like I am now, I am sleepy for most of the day, no matter how much caffeine I drink.

being cussed at by a limb is not fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Being cussed at by a limb is not fun

I did a lot of walking today. I went to the Square Starbucks for breakfast. Then I waited to catch the bus to the mall. I had a walk from the station to the mall and then had to walk towards the end of it to go to Lenscrafters. I wanted to get a pair of prescription sunglasses. It cost me a lot of dough but they were made within an hour and a half and I trust the quality. I am really happy with them.

I went shopping at TJ Maxx for pillows and I found two that seem adequate. As I was walking to the checkout, which was at the other end of the store, I saw some Sox T-shirts and got one. I walked to the Starbucks for a black tea lemonade while I waited for my glasses to be ready. I also went to the hat store and bought two new Sox hats. I feel like I am spoiling myself as I keep buying myself things. My wallet is suffering but I don’t care. Once the glasses were ready, I couldn’t decide if I wanted a cab home, take the train or take the bus. I opted to take the bus and then a cab home because the next bus wasn’t for 45 minutes and I didn’t feel like waiting. Plus I was hungry.

I walked home because it was cheaper to be let off at Walgreens than to take me home. I carried my stuff home and upstairs and I was exhausted. I made my ribs and wanted to nap afterwards but I needed to page my psych for a check in. I am still waiting for her to call me back. By this time, my ankle started swearing at me and then my foot and ankle exploded. All the bones on the outer part of my ankle/foot are throbbing intensely. I just want to sleep. I got hit with a migraine on the way to the mall so I am really needing a nap.

It was really warm today so I wore shorts. Surprisingly, my room is cool so I turned off the ceiling fan. I hope my psych calls soon because I really want to take a nap. I already called my mother to tell her I won’t be having dinner with her tonight because my ankle/foot are swearing at me. I just did too much in a few short hours. I won’t be going back to the mall anytime soon.

distraction writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Distraction writing

For the past three hours I have been dealing with spasms and feelings of things crawling inside me. I took an Ativan for the spasms and hoped the crawling feeling would go away too. It didn’t then my ankle was really hurting me from the spasms so I took my pain meds. The crawling feelings went away. I must have been going through withdrawal as it has been some hours since my last dose of meds. I think it was more than 12 hours, not good.

Now I am in pain with my foot/ankle/toes. I am debating on taking the strong pain pill but I want to give my regular pain meds a chance to really work. It’s only been about two hours since I have taken it. I figure I would write because that helps me distract from what is going on with me.

My Star Trek: the Next Generation DVDs came. I am so excited to watch them again, though I am kind of nervous. My nephew was over the house and he asked if this was before Nemesis. I forgot that the series was over before he was born or just about over. He is too young to remember the show. I thought about watching some episodes after the game but didn’t want to binge watch and be up all night.

I ordered more pens from Amazon. I think I need an intervention of some kind. I am addicted to pens. I bought like 3 or 4 different kinds, this time multi-colored inks and fine point. UGH, I am going to be broke soon. Then I was interested in an article about safety planning so I bought that for $36. I thought it would give me access to other articles but it didn’t, just that one fricken article and that was it. I would have to pay another $36 if I wanted to look at another article. Fuckers. I wasn’t going to do that. I have a friend that is in school and can get me this article that I want. It came out last month so I just need to send him the citation information. Tomorrow I will print out the article I bought and read it over. I might blog about it, if it’s good.

My foot is showing no signs of quitting with pain so strong pain pill it is! I need to replenish my extra strong pain pills (Dove dark Chocolate) as I only have five left. I have been having at least three at a time, some times more if I am feeling indulgent. I love dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.

I plan on going to the mall tomorrow to buy prescription sunglasses. I think they have a Godiva shop there. If they do, maybe I can get dark chocolate bars from there. My hospital used to sell them but now they only carry milk chocolate. Bummer. I hate being in this much pain. I am having dark thoughts and am seriously thinking of ending things sooner rather than later. I am just so fed up with dealing with this bullshit day in and day out. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I did get the prescription lidocaine that my doctor called in. I checked it out online to see if it was oil based or water based. It was water based so I got it. Dumb pharmacist. All they had to do was look that the package and read the ingredients. Dumb dumbs. I don’t feel like putting it on because the pain is all over the damn place. The spasms really fucked me over. I am glad I didn’t have my laptop on my lap because my legs were flying and jerking really bad. I hate when they get that way. I still don’t know why they do that. And it was both legs, usually it’s just my left. I am going to tell my psychiatrist about the crawling sensation when I talk to her tomorrow afternoon, or should I say later this afternoon.

I think I am going to sleep late today so I am not sure I will get to the mall like I want to. If I do, I want to get a new Red Sox hat. It’s been years since I bought one. I think the last one I bought was in 2007 or so. Long time. I am still mad at myself for losing my favorite gray Sox hat. Maybe I can replace it.

I am very tired but pain is fucking keeping me up. I wish I could lie down but my anxiety of pain getting worse is in the way. I don’t want to keep popping up because I can’t lie down because of pain. I took a lower dose of Neurontin because it was late and I didn’t want to be sleeping all day. My foot is also burning right now. So many different types of pain. Every. Single. Night. I can’t stand it. It really depresses me.

year anniversary of the death of my father

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

It’s been a year since my father passed away. All day I have been thinking about him and the events that went on that day. I feel really sad.

My therapist wanted me to do something nice for myself so I went to Starbucks and ordered my favorite latte and a breakfast sandwich. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was coming to me. I left to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. Walking there was okay. Then walking back to the train station, my right ankle started bothering me. I felt like going up to the ankle service as I was at MGH to make an appointment with the chief of the service but I didn’t. I just wanted to go home.

I had a half hour before the next bus and didn’t want to wait so I took a cab to walgreens. I left my prescription and said I would be back in an hour. I came home and felt really shitty. Both ankles were bothering me and I couldn’t stand it. I hobbled up the stairs, got the mail. I had to use the bathroom and then I went up to my room. I took three pain meds and 800 mg of ibuprofen. I am in serious pain. It started raining.

I had to call my psychiatrist so I did. I waited for her to call back. We talked for a bit. I told her I would call the ankle service to set up an appointment. I had to get on the computer to get the chief’s name as I couldn’t remember it. I called and even though I specified that I wanted the appointment with the chief, the secretary gave me the appointment with his PA. Asshole. It’s in a few weeks.

I just got notification that my prescriptions are ready. I need a nap. I will probably pick them up later after dinner. I am so tired. Being in chronic pain just takes so much out of you. I feel like a weakling because I just don’t have the stamina I once had to do things. It really depresses me that things I was able to do, I can’t do anymore. It’s very frustrating. I need a nap and then I am more tired than I was before the nap. It’s also frustrating because they are working on the damn house in the street over and they are so damn noisy. They are rebuilding the whole damn thing, it sounds like. Every day there is hammering and sawing. So hard to rest when you hear the noise.

I have been having intrusive memories most of the day. I keep remembering stuff that happened this day last year with the death of my father. I don’t know if I will ever get over his loss. There are so many mixed feelings I have for my father and none of it is good. He was an asshole and a miserable person who only thought of himself. He was vain and loved to stare at pictures of himself. He always had to dress in a shirt and dress pants. He never owned sweatpants or jeans. He always called me fat and ugly. No one contradicted him so I believed him. I still do and probably always will.