Tag: chronic illness

Kind of in a rut

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Kind of in a rut

I have been in serious pain the last two day and it has been affecting my mood. I feel hopeless that this onslaught will continue and that I won’t get any relief. I just took both my strong pain meds and regular pain meds because I just don’t know what to do anymore. I figure maybe both can knock out this cycle that I am in and give me some relief.

I have been thinking about ending my life again, because of this pain. I feel trapped by it and no one wants to help me with it. But then, there is nothing that hasn’t been done. I have tried PT, ultrasound therapy, shots, immobilization, etc. and nothing has helped. I haven’t really done anything the last few days and it flared up on me. All I have been doing is sleeping! How is that hurting myself??!!

Soon as the weather cools down some, I think I will end my life. I am tired of going on like this. I am still not sure if I can walk to my destination, but isn’t that what cabs are for? I just hope he/she knows where they are going. Of course, my biggest fear is being found as I will be in a public place. It is mostly deserted though, so I think I will be okay. I just hope that I have enough meds to do the deed. I am 1 mg short of a full lethal dose. I hope it won’t matter.

Saturday Blog 59

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 59

I woke up early this morning, in pain. My ankle was really bothering me. I took some pain meds and went back to sleep and pretty much slept until the afternoon. I had nothing planned so I could sleep. I thought of making coffee but never did and it’s too late now to have a cup.

I have been tracking the game on Twitter. They are losing 3-0 right now. Last night they won 9-0. Bats have been silent today, so far. I hope they comeback.

There is a movie on tonight with Marina Sirtis. She is the actress that played Deanna Troi in the Next Gen of Star Trek. I plan on watching it tonight with my mother. Don’t know how that is going to go down. I just hope she puts the fan on as it’s really hot in the house and I won’t be watching it in a hot room.

It’s really hot in the house despite the sun going down so I don’t know if I will be watching the movie. It’s nice and cool in my room. I am not one to watch TV shows anyway. But we’ll see.

I just took my meds and filled the box up again so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. The voices have been quiet but they still look at what I am doing and call me a junkie when I take my meds. That is the new word for me. I have been taking the trilafon at night or close to evening times than during the afternoon. It seems to be better but if I am out and about, then I will take it earlier. As long as I don’t get agitated, I seem to handle things ok.

I haven’t done any reading today other than the chapter I read while waiting for my pain meds to work this morning. I just can’t find the motivation to read today. I follow the author SE Hinton on Twitter and she was showing all her books in her shelves. She has quite a lot of books, more than I do. But then, she is older than I am so has been reading longer. I hope one day to have a room where there are a lot of bookcases to store my books and journals. She has her books arranged by subject. I just have mine where ever I can find a spot for it. Eventually, I would like to keep all my suicide books on the same shelf or bookcase. I have quite a lot of suicide journals and articles that needs a home. If I was organized and had a little of OCD, I bet I could get things done.

The Sox did lose today. I am not happy as every game from here on in counts toward the playoffs. It will really stink if we have another bad year or come so close only to lose. I am just glad we didn’t lose because of the long ball (home run). That would have been worse.

Go Boldly!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Go Boldly!

The Canadian Star Trek stamps that I ordered last week finally came today. I am so excited. I love collecting stamps from other countries. I have a beautiful poster of Mexican stamps that would go nicely in my room but I never hung it up because I was too lazy. I am thinking more of setting up shelves in my room for all the books that I have because I don’t really have the space for bookcases. My walls are pretty bare.

I got out today, finally. It was a challenge because I was really tired after therapy but I pushed through it, got dressed and caught the bus. I had to go to the bank to make a deposit. My mother thankfully gave me a few bucks so my checking account doesn’t go in the red. I am still debating on cancelling my Amazon Prime membership then reinstating it later this month when it’s closer to my check coming in. I really like the 2 day free shipping option. Though I might just pay for the year and be done with it. I don’t know. I will decide in a few weeks which way to go.

I got the reading done and actually read more than 10 pages because it was a very interesting read. I am learning about Adler’s psychology and it’s interesting that he thought of “holism” back during the times of Freud. He wanted to treat the whole person, not just the diagnosis. His concepts are not that far off and more psychology people are into this type of psychology, an integration of mind and body kind of thing, though Adler didn’t exactly put it that way.

I had 5 shots of espresso in my soy latte. It was a bit strong but it did the trick. I am wide awake. I feel like I have energy so I might continue reading what I started as I do have a deadline to meet. It’s kind of exciting to be reading this knowing that I have a deadline. I feel like I am back in school or something. I know what I am doing might now mean much to the person that I am doing this for, but it means a lot to me to be learning something that I normally wouldn’t read, which is why I picked Adler over Freud. I do hope that I get this book when it is published but I will mostly likely buy it if I don’t get it. I am getting to be a bookaholic. I just seem to “buy” the books more than read them. Just like my composition notebooks. I buy them to have them, not really write in them, LOL. Which reminds me, school season is on the way so I wonder how many I will buy before September…

I had therapy today. I asked her if she knew anything about Adler and she said her memory was faint on the subject. It was a boring session. We didn’t talk about anything that we didn’t talk about the other day. Though we did talk about her upcoming birthday. She didn’t want to talk about it but I had to because if she wasn’t born, I probably wouldn’t be here or worse, be talking to some other shrink. She always seems to think my birthday is special so I kind of want the same for her. I still have her birthday gift which I probably won’t give her till I see her next. I thought about mailing it to her but I think that is kind of impersonal. I told her this weekend is Peal Jam weekend as they are playing at my favorite ballpark, Fenway Park. I wasn’t able to get tickets because they sold out in minutes, not that I had the money to begin with. It would have been great to go though. So I will have my own concert in my room, blaring my favorite Pearl Jam songs. There is just one album that is missing from my Pearl Jam collection. I have no idea when it came out. I think it was the album before their current one. It’s on my list of CDs to get. All my Pearl Jam albums are CDs except for the current album, Lightening Bolt. That one I bought digital, which I could make as a CD, if I really cared to.

I really can’t wait to show my sister the gift that I bought my brother in law, which is the Canadian stamps. It’s the first time buying anyone a Christmas gift in a LONG time. I just hope I don’t misplace it between now and then or put it in a “secret” spot and forget where that spot is. That would be terrible.

Random 449

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 449

Last night I almost had a meltdown again. I couldn’t sleep. My brain was way wired and the songs in my head were so fucking loud. I emailed my psychiatrist because I didn’t know what to do. I clearly explained what was going on with the voices and the pain that I have been experiencing. I told her how I felt about having to deal with both illnesses and feeling like a junkie (the latest word the voices are telling me). I just wanted some reassurance I wasn’t a junkie because of all the meds I take including my pain meds. She wrote back a little while ago and said that she understood and that I wasn’t a junkie by any measure. That helped, it really did.

I meant to go out today but when I woke up, I didn’t feel like it. I slept the entire afternoon. If my mother didn’t make dinner, I doubt I would eat something. I just have no motivation to do a damn thing but lay my head on a pillow and sleep. I had a rough night and I knew I would feel like shit when I woke up. I could have gotten dressed anyways and made it out to Starbucks. I really wanted to start the chapter I need to read and I figure if I read at least 10 pages a day for the next 6 days, my mission will be complete. But I got to really make some effort in reading it. I also need to print out the email that tells me what I am suppose to critique in this chapter. I hope to do so tomorrow.

My sister called me this morning to ask how I was. I told her I was fine. She was at work and I didn’t want to worry her. And besides, what good will it do? She can’t do anything for me. Things will just work out on its own. I think I might have to go in the hospital, eventually. But I got to wait for the pain to quiet down some. I don’t know when that will be but I know that it needs to be soon if I am going to have any sanity left.

I totally overspent this month on my budget. I forgot to budget for my transportation cost and now I am left with only a few dollars for the month. I am suppose to get a check soon from the state and I hope it’s sometime this month. I bought some hamburger and hotdog rolls that are going to go to waste if I don’t buy the meat for it. I hate wasting bread. Unfortunately, when I placed my online order, they didn’t have my hotdogs. I was so mad. They credited me and all, but I got the rolls but no hotdogs.

If I am a junkie, it’s to Oreo’s new Oreo Thins. It’s just the right amount of cookie and cream. Only thing is I can eat a package at time. And the packages are small to begin with. I think that will be my snack as I haven’t had one all day. I will have some soy milk with it. I have been drinking more soy milk than regular milk lately because my bowels don’t like it much and I don’t have to worry about going unexpectedly.