Tag: chronic illness

I’m Zipping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m Zipping

I woke up at 0500 and I have been busy getting my groceries ordered and straightening out my Zipcar card. I decided to use the Zipcar today rather than wait till tomorrow or next week. I am so excited. I was going to go back to sleep but decided against it. I finally took a shower. I didn’t even get into the shower when it started making an awful noise. I quickly showered and got out. I think it was the fastest shower I took. I have to tell my brother in law about this noise. I think there is air in the lines or something.

I am going to see my therapist today. She is going to be so excited. I haven’t texted her yet. I figure I will surprise her. Maybe now, she won’t be so keen on getting an adjunct therapist. It will be good to see her again. It’s been months since our last face to face session. I will be bringing her the lyrics to “Mixed drinks about Feelings” and my NYT article. It’s just something to add to her pile. I am debating on bringing the lyrics to “Mr. Misunderstood”. The song is mostly about Eric finding himself in the music industry. Other than a few lines, the song doesn’t have any meaning for me. But I like the idea behind the song. And I always feel misunderstood.

I can’t wait till my grocery order comes in and I can have burritos for breakfast. They are homemade, not the prepared stuff. I need to make my own eggs. I am funny that way. Even when we go out to a restaurant for breakfast, I never order eggs. I like making my own.

It’s now the afternoon. I just came home from my therapy appointment. It took longer to get home than it did getting there. I had to get gas in the beginning of the trip because the idiot before me left less than ¼ of a tank. I reported it. It cost me a half hour of my trip because of it so I decided to take the highway to my therapist’s office. She was sure happy to see me. I was happy too. She still looks the same. I think it has been at least a year since I last saw her. I told her about my crappy weekend and how suicidogenic my mother was. It was a new word for her to learn. I was laughing because she kept on pronouncing it wrong. It took several tries for her to get it right. I also gave her the lyrics but we didn’t talk about it much. We’ll probably talk about it tomorrow. She wished that I could stay the entire afternoon. I wish I could, too. I think it would be a goofy experience.

The ride home seemed to take forever. I really just wanted to be home as I have been out most of the day. I left my house at 0900 and just came back around 1545. Nearly six hours out. I rented the car for 5 hours just to allow times for traffic and such. There wasn’t much traffic on the way home. It just seemed like it was a long road. I don’t know how many miles it was but it could just be that I wanted to be home fast and it was the long way home that was making me antsy. I didn’t have lunch while I was out. I should have had something to eat but I was hungry. Now I am hungry. My mother is making supper as we speak so it should be ready soon.

I got to call Peapod and find out why they are charging me more than what I clicked on for check out. It’s nearly twenty dollars more. I didn’t add any items and the sale items are still on sale so I am not sure why there is a discrepancy. I hate making phone calls. You spend most of the time on hold than you do talking to a person. Like I just called my doctor’s office to see if my prescription was ready to be picked up. I spent of the 8 minutes, 2 minutes was talking to an actual person. I just get so annoyed. They used to call you when it was ready but I guess they don’t do that any more. Jerks. If I don’t pick it up tomorrow, I will have to wait till Friday. They are only open in the morning that day.

My therapist was appalled that someone would open accounts in my name. I am glad I caught it before fraudulent activity could be done. It didn’t show up on my credit report yet, but then, my own personal checking account isn’t there either so maybe it won’t show up. I told her I reported it to the agencies, just in case. She still was shocked someone would do this. Just tops off the bad weekend I had.

I have had such a long day. Even though I am hungry, I really don’t feel like eating. I am just too tired to eat. But I am getting the shakes because the last time I ate was at like 0630 this morning. I feel like I should have ordered something, just to tie me over while my mother cooks what she is cooking. I am having nerve pain in my thigh. Probably because I sat too long today. It’s rare that it flares up. But then I don’t usually have long days where I am sitting in a chair. While I am in my bed, it is somewhat elevated.

Despite seeing my therapist, I still am depressed. I didn’t tell her about the anti-diabetic agent that I was thinking about going on to help with my chronic depression. It has too many scary side effects, which is probably why my psychiatrist never got back to me. I will still ask her about it when I see her. If it will help the insulin resistance, I am for it. But my psychiatrist is not an endocrinologist. She might not feel comfortable prescribing it. I will still ask my PCP about it, but he is leaving so I am not sure I can bring it up. I might need monitoring in the beginning that I don’t know about. I see my psych before I see my PCP so I will have a better idea if this medication is ideal for me.

I also didn’t tell my therapist my ex tried getting in contact with me the end of last week. We have had an off and on relationship over the years. Last year or two she blocked me on FB for reasons only she knows. Well she unblocked me and then requested my friendship. I didn’t want to deal with her so I blocked her. I don’t need her drama in my life. She is interested in me for only one thing and one thing only, and it’s not friendship. I am glad she is 90 miles away from me. It still hurts me that we can’t have a friendship but so life goes, I guess. She was my first love so she will always have a special spot in my heart. I have been thinking about her a lot lately so I am sure that is why she unblocked me. We have this weird connection where if we think of one another, the other is too.

I don’t know if I am sleepy because of lack of food or because I have been up for almost 12 straight hours. It’s a really cold day and I am just wearing a T-shirt. It’s kind of chilly but I was hot when I came home. I really think something is wrong with me, either I am coming down with a cold or something is wrong with my thyroid. Maybe if I nudge my pdoc, she will order a thyroid screen. It could be what is causing my depression, or at least part of it. I have been depressed for so long you would think I would be used to it. But it sucks because it just takes so much out of you. Putting on a happy face all the time takes such effort. It is exhausting. And it sucks because you just can’t do anything useful. I am glad I am not a neat freak. I would have died the way my room is. But it does need to be cleaned. My summer clothes need to be put away so they don’t get lost in the shuffle of my winter clothes. I still can’t find my Red Sox hoodie. It upsets me when I can’t find my  clothes. They just get buried. Much like my life.

grumpy sour mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Grumpy Sour Mood

I have been in a mood since I woke up this morning. I just feel hopeless that this pain that I have is ever going to go away. I have been dealing with it for a week now and it’s only bringing me down and down. Today when I woke up again in pain, I just said fuck it, and took some pain meds to go back to sleep. I had my mother make me breakfast. I wanted an omelet and I don’t know how to make one. I had it with toast as my appetite has been increased due to the extra Gabapentin that I have been taking. I thought about making coffee but knew I would be going to sleep soon so didn’t. I woke up in the afternoon. Pain was minimal so decided to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I ended up getting some snacks and a yogurt. I haven’t had yogurt in a long time. It’s on my grocery list for next week I am glad that they had it in stock. Lately, whenever I want something specific, they don’t have it.

I didn’t go out today. I planned on showering but that still hasn’t happened yet. It probably will sometime tonight. I hope it helps this mood that I am in. I hate being grumpy. But being in pain takes a lot out of you, mentally and physically. It’s hard to keep up a good mood when you are feeling so lousy, not to say that I am in always in a good mood. I am not ever in a good mood for long. Probably as long as a good cup of coffee lasts. Then it’s back to the dumps.

I just checked my stats and looks like someone posted one of my blogs on Pinterest. I don’t even know what that website is about. And I can’t find out what blog it is because you have to sign in and I don’t have an account nor do I want one. It really bothers me when someone posts my work on another site and doesn’t bother to tell me. I don’t mind people reblogging my stuff, but when they post it outside of wordpress without my knowledge, I have a problem with that. I know it shouldn’t bother me because I have taken stuff and posted websites to Facebook or something. I can’t count the number of times I have used the Spoon Theory’s website to try and explain to people what it’s like living with a chronic illness. My blog is the same. They just take my website and post it. I just wish I knew what blog got posted so I know. It is just frustrating.

I tried my first check deposit by phone. I am waiting for it to go through. I hope it does or I will have to make a trip to the bank tomorrow, which will be no big deal, just extra walking. I have been weary of my steps since my flare up. Even now, I am hurting just walking to Walgreens and that is just a few blocks from my house.

In a Lot of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

In a lot of pain

Pain started late last night. It was mostly nerve pain so I took some Gabapentin to ease it. Then just a little while ago, I started getting zaps and my pain shot up, again. I haven’t done much today except going up and down the stairs to check for mail and make something to eat. I was planning on getting ready for my sister’s party but I am in too much pain to walk down the block.

But all of this pales in comparison to what is going on in Paris right now. I feel bad that there are hostages and people are being killed. A football (soccer) match was disrupted due to explosions. The story keeps changing so I am not sure what is going on. There have been separate attacks in at least three locations. Then there was another shooting going on somewhere else. It’s pretty scary. No one knows if all these events are related or not. Chances are they are. It’s too much of a coincidence for it not to be.

One of my Twitter buddies nailed it when he said the world stops when a western country gets hit when there are attacks while other countries are ignored. He is right. The news reports what it wants to report and it’s sad. Places get bombed every day but you don’t hear about it in the news or if you do, it’s a blurb in a news article. There are civilian attacks in Syria and Israel/Palestine every day but they don’t get noticed. The world doesn’t stop, it just keeps moving. But then you have the City of Light and everything slows down. I am not trying to make light of the situation. Just saying people die every day from senseless attacks and it doesn’t get reported or viewed as breaking news. I hope the hostages are freed without injury and there are no more killings, in any country that has turmoil.

Waking up Early and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Waking up Early and other things

I have been up since around 0630. I got about five hours of sleep as I went to bed around 0130. I emailed my neurologist last night because I am running low on my medication for nerve pain. I don’t take it often so the refills have expired. Just got a response from her. As I suspected, I need to see her to get the meds. UGH. I hate dealing with her office staff. I could try and get it from my PCP. I see the NP the 26th so I will wait until then. I have enough to keep me going until then. If she doesn’t give me it, I will make an appointment to see the neuro.

I plan on changing my sheets today. It’s something that needs to happen but it always is a pain in the ass to do because of my back issues. I always throw out the back of my hip when I change the sheets. But then, I can stand too long and it will go out on me, too. I still haven’t gotten it checked out. It has been a problem for me for the past year. I took it out last Thanksgiving when I sneezed. It got better but then I sneezed after Christmas and it went out again. I have been in pain ever since. This time I am going to try and not keep so much stuff in my “office” side of the bed. That will make it easier to change the sheets because then I don’t have to keep moving stuff around.

I also want to work on the story I wrote a few weeks ago. I am loaded with good coffee so I hope it makes me want to write. I am trying to avoid going back to sleep so I had coffee. I won’t be going to the Square because I need to pick up my niece later today. But I need to change the sheets first. That is a priority.

I got a lot of views on my paper on the analysis of the song “How to save a life”. And most of the viewing from countries today have been from Ireland. I like that my blog has international readers. It means a lot to me to have readers from other countries reading my blog. Granted the majority of my readers are from the US. But today, Ireland is the top country. It could change over the course of the day. I love watching my stats because it’s fun. I learn through the search engine what readers brought them to my blog and then I can have a post about the search so that other readers, usually those with Cauda Equina Syndrome, can find my blog easier. My all time most read blog is my Knackered post.

I have therapy again today. I texted her with some things that I thought about. I got interrupted so many times yesterday with family stuff that I wasn’t able to write about it. I had started a blog with ideas and rather than sending it to her, I just texted her because it was easier. It was only a few things and it fit on a text. I hope that we can continue the conversation. After 14 years, it will be very difficult not to be in contact with her if we end. Our 15th anniversary date is in January.

Because I am feeling very hopeless and my therapist asked me to, I have put off the date that I was going to end my life. I feel defeated because now I will have to continue to live when I don’t want to. And because of the holidays, I don’t want to end my life then, which means I will have to see my next birthday. It was something I have been trying to avoid this past year. I wanted to stay 39 forever. It shouldn’t be so complicated, but it is. I hate living. It is such a damn struggle all the time. And the thought that I keep having bowel accidents doesn’t appeal to me for living. I have tried to deal with this stuff the best I could but I am so tired. I get no relief from the daily physical pain I have. I am tired of people telling me I need to lose weight when I don’t have the motivation to or the mobility to do so. I wish I could walk like I used to but I can’t. If I could, I wouldn’t be disabled from work. I know my job was stressful and it caused me to be very suicidal at times, but least it gave me something to look forward to every day. It gave me some purpose. Now I have none of that. Sure, I write but other than this blog, I doubt people would buy my book. It’s really depressing and powerful writing that no one sees or understands. It’s not a hopeful book. How can I write about hope when I don’t have any? I just think my death is the only way out of this misery that I am in.

Last night I was writing in my new journal. I was describing what I am saying right now. I might have to go into the hospital because I feel like I am going to snap. One more trigger and I am afraid I might go into constriction and then I will attempt to take my life. But I really don’t want to go there. Just the thought of the bullshit and my meds being split up because they don’t have the right tablet dose keeps me away. I take 12 pills a night. Last time I was in the hospital I had to take almost 16 pills. It was the same medication, but they didn’t have my BP med in a 40 mg tablet so they split it in 10 mgs tablets. That is four pills I had to take. I don’t know if they will have my other BP med in the dose. I would hate to take fucking another 4 pills for that, too. But there is no treatment while you are in the hospital. You just go to groups that are for arts and crafts, mostly. There is no psychotherapy going on in any of these groups or even in the meetings with your case worker. It’s just an adult babysitting system. Someone checks on you every 15 minutes and you talk with staff, which turns out usually to be better than talking with your case worker and psychiatrist. If I go to the unit I was before, that is how it is. If I go to another unit, you just get 15 minutes with the “team” and that is all. Sometimes you meet with your staff person, sometimes you don’t. It sucks. I rather just stay outpatient and struggle than be inpatient. Least I can have my electronics and not be watched.