Tag: chronic illness

3 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

3 Aug 2018

I left my house around 920 and didn’t come home till around 1645. It was a long day. I made breakfast and packed a lunch. I didn’t finish it all so I might have it for dinner. I wore my black air cast in a white sneaker and my white AFO in my black sneaker. It was mismatched. I didn’t care. My psychiatrist commented and I said I think I am going to keep this set up. It was funny. That was the only laughter of the day.

I met with the pain doc. He was not helpful. He said I could find someone else, he didn’t care. He wasn’t changing my dose as he didn’t think it was going to do anything. I told him I was in a lot of pain and there were times I was suicidal it was so bad. He didn’t listen. The only thing I got out of him was to take my breakthrough med before appointments. Thanks. He gave me the exact same things and I left. I can’t fill them until next week because they are the same. I might be able to get my breakthrough meds on Monday because I technically got about ½ a month of meds. I am so fed up.

I met with my psychiatrist and I nearly had a breakdown. I told her it was over. She said she was here next week then gone for three weeks so she said I was “unstable” so therefore I am seeing her next week. Whatever. I don’t care.

I went back to the cast room as I wasn’t sure how to put the stupid thing on and it was bothering my Achilles. It was a different person and she said it was too small for me. Okay. So now I got an extra cast as she couldn’t re-use it. Don’t know what I am going to do with it!

I got home and was just a sweat bucket. It was so fricken humid. The little rain we had did nothing. Someone has been eating my snickers bars. I am not happy. I don’t know what happened to my regular size Milky way dark bar is. I was hurting and sweating so much I just grabbed what I could find and went upstairs to cool off. I am glad I wore my diaper as I leaked. Not a lot but it helped to absorb the sweat and stuff. I felt so much drier wearing it, even though it was annoying me by the 5th hour.

I noticed when I was finally resting in my bed, that the stupid AFO caused a sore on my leg. I might have to put some moleskin on the circle thing. I know it is because the humidity is so crazy right now. I told my sister today that I wouldn’t be able to make it to the booze cruise in a couple of weeks. There is no way I can maneuver the stairs with two braces on each ankle. I had a hard time managing last year with just the one brace. The stairs are really narrow to, it being a boat and all. I feel bad. She said she will see if her husband can go. I think I will be wearing the air cast for at least 6 weeks, maybe longer depending on how well my tendons and stuff settle down. I am still mad that I am hurting after 17 years of dealing with CES. It just never goes away and just when you think it is, it shows up again. I told my sister and she was like how can you trip over your own foot. I didn’t answer. I felt bad enough.

My legs feel like jelly right now. I just have to go to the bank tomorrow for my mother. It will be in the morning. Maybe I can get some pizza for lunch. I don’t know. But that is the only things that I plan on doing. I am not going out to the Square. I am going to try and hug my AC as much as I can. I think I am going to change my sheet Sunday. I just wrestled with the foam thing to put it on my bed so it isn’t hang off my bed and on my nightstand. It will probably last a day at most before moving again. I really hope duct tape works.

Sprained Ankle? Sprained ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sprained ankle?

So yesterday, I tripped over my own foot. It had gone inward and I lurched forward. I knew it was more than it because I felt like I moved something and it was painful. Later last night, my foot was hurting and I looked at my foot and it was pretty swollen. I put ice on it and the brace that I had been using for my left ankle. I couldn’t wear it long because it was annoying my Achilles problem. I called this morning to see if I could get it checked out and they had a late afternoon appt. I decided to get my haircut in the morning.

I checked on my mother and she didn’t need anything. No one was coming today, which I thought was odd. They would be coming tomorrow. I went on my way. The bus was early and I forgot the bus schedule was more frequent at that hour. When I got to the Square, the barbers weren’t open yet, so I went to Starbucks to get something to eat and have my espresso. I had 5 shots and a bagel. I didn’t write. After I finished the bagel, I went to the barbers and they were open. I was the first customer so didn’t have to wait. I was glad. I got caught up with the my buddy. He gave me back my dish. After he cut my hair, I went back to Starbucks to write for a bit. I had three hours before my appt. I didn’t want to sit and write for that long. I ordered a large iced coffee. I thought it would help keep me awake but it made me sleepy.

I decided to go home for a bit. I took the dish and my cup out of my bag. I forgot to put the cup in the sink. I changed my T-shirt as it had hair all over it. It was hot in the house. My ankle kind of went out as I was going up and down the stairs. I put the moleskin padding on my AFO as I knew the humidity was going to irritate me. It stayed on and I wasn’t irritated.

I went to the doc appt. I had a resident, who was behind. I waited. Then was called in. My feet were hot so I was grateful to take off my socks to cool them off. The doctor came in and I told him what was wrong. It was a little concerning as the foot drop was kind of new but I stressed it only happened when I was fatigued and usually on my way home. He said I sprained it and I would need an x-ray and a brace. I was hangry so I was very frustrated. CES again caused me trouble after all these years. I went to the different places. I was wearing my sneakers with Velcro straps rather than laces. It didn’t stretch that much and it was a tight fit. The brace pretty much immobilized my ankle, which was good. I was thinking of getting the same kind of one for my left so it wouldn’t cause me so much pain but I will save that for when I see whomever. The resident was going to try and move up my appt so I can get some care. I kept thinking today is Friday for some reason. I just want this week to be over.

I took the train home and waited for the bus. I listened to Pearl Jam as I was so frustrated. I seriously wanted to kick someone’s ass but there was no one. I came home and my aunt was still there. She said they just ate and why didn’t I let them know. ??? I just walked in the fricken door. I sat down in the chair and showed off my new brace. I was very hot as the humidity seemed to kick it up. The house was totally unbearable. I left my AC running. It was too hot not to. I couldn’t let my meds get hot, they would become yucky and possibly ineffective. I was hungry. I cooled off and my aunt yelled that she was going home as I was talking to my her son. She said my mother was “alone” and I said to myself, what am I, a ghost? He said that I had quacky doctors and went off. I told him good-bye. I was fed up with dealing with idiots who have no idea what I have been through and have their own idea of what is wrong with my ankles. It is all stemming from my nerve damage and that made my ankles weak, hence why I was tripping over them but because it happened 17 years ago, they don’t put the things together as I am seen as “abled bodied”.

My mother was lying on her bed when I came downstairs to make my dinner. I wanted a turkey sandwich so I made one. I had chips with it. Then I took a cool shower. I felt better after I ate. I realized then I was hangry. I told my mother what my aunt said and she laughed. I was so tired afterwards. I decided to take my meds early and go to sleep. The game had just started and the Snakes scored 4 runs. It didn’t look good. I told my other cousin buona notte, I wasn’t feeling well. In my rush to get some sleep, I forgot to take my night pain meds so I was woken up. Now I can’t go back to sleep. I didn’t plan on writing a blog today but here it is. I feel better now that I wrote about this. The pic is what I now look like with the AFO (ankle foot orthotic) and the air cast. I got to follow up with the doc to find out how long I am to wear it.

My malleolus was acting up when I got to my doc’s office. Now it is blearing. While I was in the shower, it moved some way that hurt really bad. It felt like it wanted to expand my arch or something. It felt like I had sprained it but I don’t see how that was possible as I didn’t do anything to it. It might have just been a cramp. I know I am dehydrated. I have been parched the whole time I was at the doc’s office. I didn’t have cold water, just the hot bottled water that was in my bag that was gross. I had leaked again while I was out and about. I smelled of pee so bad so I needed a shower. Tomorrow I am going to wear a diaper. I have no choice. I just hope the stupid thing doesn’t leave lint shit on my privates or in my ass. It is a cheap diaper but it works. I feel so embarrassed about it. But nerve damage is not something you can mess around with. I am not leaking more than usual or anything. I just am not feeling myself when I am full and the overflow is what is leaking. Then I get the urge to go. Past two days I have been ignoring the urge so I leak. That is life with Cauda Equina Syndrome!

Back to 1989 craze

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Back to 1989 craze

Taylor Swift was at Gillette Stadium last week. In her honor, I have been playing her album 1989 and once again, I am addicted to it. It has been mostly what I have been playing, unless another song pops in my head, like a Luke Combs song. I think I like 1989 more than her new album. Her new album I just wasn’t as crazy for. There are some cool songs on it but it didn’t grow on me like 1989.

I woke up before my alarm. I had taken off my body pillow and am now back to two standard pillows. I woke up with my head on the mattress. I don’t get it. I didn’t have too much pain. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I then went back to my room, took my meds, and then went back to sleep. I canceled therapy because I wasn’t sure how I would be today. I also knew going out after a weekend long flare was not a good idea.

I didn’t wake up again till 1330. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I reluctantly did. I drank a mocha frap and had some cookies with it. I wanted real coffee so I grabbed my mug and a K-Cup and went downstairs to use my sister’s Keurig. I checked on my niece. She wasn’t hungry so I just made the coffee and went back upstairs. I drank my coffee when my cousin texted me. We chatted for a bit and then she had to go back to work. I was done with my coffee so I decided to wash the dishes. I used the Dawn that I bought and I couldn’t believe the difference over the cheap shit my mother had bought. The soap didn’t wash away as I washed the dishes! I swear I was going through a lot of soap just to wash a few dishes compared to Dawn. I just used a little and it went a long way.

I rested for a bit. I went up to my room and realized I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I really didn’t want to go out but I haven’t been out in a few days so I got dressed. I found an old ball cap and it barely fit my head. It was so tight. I forgot I had washed it and it shrunk, which was why I haven’t been wearing it. I left and there was mail. I would get to it when I came back.

I bought some more Dawn before going to the pharmacy counter. It was cheaper in the pharmacy than at Stop and Shop. I got two bottles. I got my scripts and then went down the pen aisle, which can be very dangerous. I wanted to find a pen or marker that I could use for my black journal so I could write on the cover. I chose a metallic marker. If it didn’t work, oh well.

I walked home and my cousin was on his porch yelling at me. I had walked away from him as I was walking to the store. Now I couldn’t. He asked when my mother was coming home and I told him. He said he would be by. I was like ok. I know he isn’t. His mother would, which is going to annoy the fuck out of me as she will be by nearly every day the next few weeks. I get to listen to her yell at my mother and my mother yell back. Oh joy. The quiet I have been enjoying is coming to an end. I don’t usually mind my mother except when the TV is blaring and I can hear every fricken word over the AC, but I get used to it unless I am sensitive to sound that day because my pain is high or I have a migraine. It is going to be humid the rest of the week. I am not going to like it.

I had some deep dish pizza. I didn’t want to turn on the oven, but there was nothing else I wanted. I could barely finish it. I don’t seem to have an appetite today. I plan on listening to the game today. OverPrice is pitching. I don’t like him. Never have. He is an asshole and thinks he is the greatest but he isn’t. I think he purposely loses games because he doesn’t want to pitch that day. No idea how he is going to be. It is always a guessing game with him. I hate his inconsistency. And he is awful during the postseason. I keep hoping he will be better. We’ll see when the time comes.

Flare Sunday 29-July-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Flare Sunday

My sister called me while I was in deep sleep. She wanted to know who was making noise. There was someone in my house but I wasn’t about to go downstairs to find out who it was. I said it was probably my other sister. It was. She left me a note about how she cleaned the bathroom. I used it and then went back to my room. That was all I fricken did. Ankle got set off. It was around 10 or so in the morning. I knew if it was hurting now, I was likely going to be this way all day. I texted my therapist saying I wouldn’t make it tomorrow because of these flares.

I took a breakthrough med and waited a little while before going downstairs to make something to eat. I made coffee, bacon, an egg, and toast. It was good. A package came for me that I ordered so I went downstairs and that was the breaking point. My ankle hurt worse when I came in my room, after I sat down on my bed. That is never a good thing when I stand and then sitting causes more pain. I had called my brother in law to see if he could pick up my prescription. He said he was in Maine. Great. That meant I was literally home alone with a bum ankle and I didn’t have my cane. I was kind of panicking. My support group said to just stay on the bed and watch a show. So I took an Ativan (anxiety attack was already happening by then), and then opened Netflix to watch a show. I don’t remember if it was one or two episodes I watched. Afterwards I was hungry. Pain had settled down some so I went downstairs to make something to eat. I made steak and cheese. It was really greasy. I don’t think I am going to buy that kind of steak anymore. I don’t like eating grease. Greasy food okay, but not a mouthful of plain grease. Yuck!

I went back upstairs. I tried on the new dress shirt I bought. It fit good and the neck was the right size. I asked FB and Twitter what would be a good tie. I got an overwhelming response for the light blue tie so I will be wearing that for the wedding I will be going to in Sept. I just need to get new dress pants and a belt. I will get it next month. I thought it was safe to have a cup of coffee. The iced coffee didn’t perk me up and I broke my rule of no caffeine after 3 pm. I watched the rest of the Sox game as I drank it. They won. I finished my coffee and rinse out the cup as it was a special cup.

I went back upstairs with my cane and at the last four or so, my ankle gave out. It was so difficult going up those last few stairs. I was hurting so bad. I took another breakthrough med. Now I know for certain I am NOT doing PT unless they increase my pain dose. I’ve been in severe pain since Friday. This shouldn’t be happening. I hope they fucking hear me this time or I am going to just end things. What else am I going to do? Continue to be in pain??