Tag: chronic illness

screwed up with my laptop

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Screwed up with my laptop

My RAM for the laptop came in. I took the laptop apart and found that there were no memory slots. I emailed Dell and they said the unit came like that. WTF. I am going to see if I can return it. No use in having it if I can upgrade it. In the process of fiddling with it, I somehow caused the mouse to become non-functional. I will have to take it apart again and see what I messed with. A wire might be loose or something.

I went for blood work this morning as my psychiatrist wanted to check my chemistries. Everything came back within normal limits. The phlebotomists sucked. They stuck me twice and were poking with the needle. Assholes. I wasn’t feeling like picking a fight with them so I just let it be. I was tired and hungry and just wanted to leave. My foot has been bothering me all fricken day. I canceled physical therapy. I am so tempted to cancel my remaining appts. I am just fed up with being in pain and nothing really helping. It’s really hard to do the home exercise routine when you are in pain worse than you were the day before. I am trying to do at least one thing but that doesn’t always happen. I keep blaming myself for this, which I know isn’t helping but at the same time I can’t help but think I am not trying. Yet if I am able to go to Starbucks for the day, then that is something more than just doing some exercises.

Can’t believe in two days I see the LGBT doc. I am really nervous about it. I keep imagining the worse, which is him saying no, I can’t have hormones ever. That will just crush me. I know there might be some hinderances, especially with my damn current reproductive system that may or may not cause delay. My biggest fear is that I will need an MRI to check my pituitary before I start hormones. I hate brain MRIs worse than back MRIs. I am a little claustrophobic and because they have your head in this cage thing, just makes it worse.

I need to change my bed sheets this weekend. It’s a chore I fricken hate with a passion but needs to be done. The foam topper is sliding off the mattress and because of the nice straps I bought, they are keeping the sheet in place, which makes it hard to move the foam back in place. It is very annoying.

I need to make the vegetables that I bought last week. I really want to make the butternut squash and mash it with brown sugar and butter. I’m not sure what to do with the zucchini. I wanted to make chocolate zucchini bread but my mother is using both her cake holders. I won’t have a container to put the bread in when it is done. I might cut it up and put it in Tupperware containers or something. Depends on how I feel tomorrow as I don’t want to be hurting all day tomorrow as I need to get up early Friday morning for the doc appt. I will be going in the opposite direction of the Square as I need a different train to get to the doc’s office. It is right by Fenway Park, which I will drool a little bit as baseball season is around the corner. Seemed like forever for it to come. Just two weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting. Going to be an interesting season with the new manager. Man, I miss baseball. I need to finish the history book I am reading. I only have two chapters left. I wanted to read one this afternoon but my damn laptop distracted me. I will read one before bed. So much for reading 1 book a month. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to do this.

suicidal triggers, how fast they come

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Suicidal triggers, how fast they come on

I’ve had a long day. I had appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist back to back. I left my house around 1130 and didn’t get home till around 1800. Meeting with my psych went well. She wants me to call her after my appt with the LBGT doc I see Friday. I had to laugh because she said it so eagerly. I told her I would page her when I got home that day. As I was leaving the building, I bumped into my former supervisor in the lab. We talked for a bit before going our separate ways. I told her to say hi to the folks in the lab for me, especially the other supervisor. I really miss being in the lab. It was my life for 14 years.

I was feeling kind of sore as I walked toward the station to go to my therapist’s office. I had to take a little break about half way there. I had been having dizzy spells on and off all day. I was making sure to keep hydrated today. My therapist and I had a good chat. We didn’t stay on any one topic for too long. I felt good after seeing him. I decided to go to Chipotle for dinner. I grabbed something then made my way home. The train was delayed at points, much to my annoyance, as I wanted to get home, eat, and then sleep. Finally got to my stop and I stood up. HOLY PAIN. My ankle scooping pain that I have been feeling for a week returned and felt like my ankle bone was going to pop. I swore as I hung on the railing to keep from falling. I limped to the escalator and the rest of the way through the station to get to the busway. My mood took a nosedive. My sister had texted me and I responded that I was on my way home and hurting. As I waited for the bus, I sat there pondering why I am still alive. What is the purpose of living if I am just going to be in fucking pain. I was so fed up. I felt like I was no good to my family. They would be better off without me. I felt such high despair it was unbearable. I didn’t let my sister know any of this. She said she hopes the pain settles and that she loves me. I responded thanks and love you too.

The bus came and it felt like forever getting to my stop, not like I was looking forward to getting off the bus. I had to walk 2.5 blocks to my house, which I knew would be in agony. I really just wanted to disappear forever. I slowly walked home, watching each step I took so I didn’t further hurt my aching ankle. I got to within a block from my house and I carefully watched my steps because last week I stepped on a rock that hurt my ankle. Luckily, there were no rocks in my path. I was starting to feel dizzy again. All I thought was please don’t let me pass out as I walked up the stairs.

I made it and I still was feeling lousy emotionally. I still wanted to die. I had my dinner, which was cold but I didn’t care. I listened to music as I ate. My mother came into the kitchen and moved my bags that I had on the table. I finished my dinner and threw out the bags. It was really painful to stand, let alone walk. My mother had done laundry but there was no way I could navigate carrying the clothes while holding onto the railing. They would have to wait. I went to my room and carefully changed into my pajamas. I opened the box that I had, the few things I had ordered from Amazon.

I kept on feeling off. I was feeling dizzy and panicky. I took an Ativan and some pain meds to try and calm things down. I took my pulse because I felt like my heart was palpitating. It was a slow beat, which was odd. I measured it with my phone and it was 58. I don’t ever have a slow pulse. Maybe that is why I feel so dizzy. I tried to take my blood pressure but the batteries on my monitor need to be replaced and I don’t have the batteries. I’ll have to get them tomorrow. That would explain things. I don’t think I will take my night time dose of blood pressure pills. With all the fluid that I drank today, my pulse should not be 58, especially after going up the stairs. I’ll be calling my PCP tomorrow to let him know this. He might want to lower my BP meds or something.

Saturday blog 20 Jan 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 20 Jan 2018

I managed some sleep after 0330, though I woke up every 2 hours or so. I woke up feeling like shit. It was around 10 and even though my med alarm went off to remind me to take my morning meds, I hadn’t taken them yet. I took them and then went to use the bathroom. I missed the bus to the Square. My mother was on the phone with my sister and she asked her if she would take me to the grocery store. She said she would. I decided to go have coffee at her house to try and wake up. I wasn’t hungry so I just had coffee.

I went to the grocery store and it was packed. Not that unusual for a Saturday. I got the things my mother wanted and found the things I needed that I would get later that week as it was much cheaper than what I was getting online. Came home and needed a nap after I put everything away. I slept for an hour and a half. My mother made dinner, which was ready by the time I woke up.

I am feeling really tired and out of it because of my fractured sleep last night. I am not in horrible pain and I hope it stays that way. I am going to take my night meds soon and then go to sleep. I think I will read a chapter first as I haven’t had the time to read at all today.

every little thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Every little thing

Having a rough day. I woke up around 0430 in pain. What a surprise. I stayed up till the Neurontin knocked me out around 0700. I took my morning meds so the alarm wouldn’t wake me in two hours. I was having a weird dream. I was in the Oval Office with the Orange Buffoon and the Charmed Ones. Piper used an axe to cut his head off while there was a cabinet meeting going on. I walked to the basement of some sort and then woke up, shaking my head.

I had woken up to the sound of my med alarm going off for my pain meds. I was still in pain but in a Neurontin fog. I needed espresso and I was going to get some. I took a shower, which my ankle enjoyed (NOT). I was feeling so depressed and suicidal because this is the 4th day in a row of suicidally intense pain. The pain was kind of lower than it had been after I took the extra dose of Neurontin so I figure getting espresso would be a risk worth taking. Plus I wanted to get burgers for supper.

I timed the shower and the bus schedule just right. I rested a few minutes after my shower to get dressed to catch the bus. It came within 9 minutes. The bus was mostly empty so I think that was why it was so fast. Usually I have to wait 10-15 minutes when it leaves the station. I brought my own cup for the espresso. I am trying to go green this year so I plan on bringing a mug or cup with me for my Starbucks drinks, if I am able to remember. It’s a work in progress so I can’t do the mobile ordering for now.

I couldn’t stay seated after I had my sandwich and some of the espresso. I kept looking at things to buy. They had my coffee, Casi Cielo back. I will get that next week. I also looked at some French presses. They had a really nice one but it was $50. I will get the $20. They also had a nice mug and am thinking of getting it next week. The mug was 16 oz, which is their grande size. I usually like the venti, which is 20 oz. I had bought a nice 20 oz stainless steel thermal mug that I absolutely love but having a smaller size would be nice. It was on clearance for like $10 so I might get it if they still have it. They didn’t have the French press mug that I saw. I tried to find it online but I think the Starbucks store is closed and you can only get it at the locations. I might have to go around as different locations have different stuff. I found they had the straws for my cup so I got that. Those are hard to find so I am glad they had them.

I wrote about one page in my journal before it was time to go to the butchers to get the burgers. I like getting it from there rather than Stop and Shop because it is fresher. They had ground beef on sale but you had to buy like 3-4 pounds for the deal. I didn’t need that much meat. I looked at the steaks as I haven’t had one in a while. I wanted a bones Angus one but they didn’t have it so I got a London broil. It was a huge piece. I asked my mother if she wanted some for supper tomorrow night or if she wanted me to freeze half of it. She doesn’t usually like steak. She said she wanted it and I could tenderize it with the hammer. OK, whatever. I’ll figure that out tomorrow.

Came home and was minding my own business while my pain went berserk on me. I took a strong pain pill and then because the pain was so intense, I got an anxiety attack. So I took some Ativan. About a half hour later I hear someone scream at the top of their lungs my mother’s name. It was my psycho aunt. She literally made me jump and I didn’t know if my mother was sick or what. My mother was thankfully okay and the fucking idiot was just yelling to let her know she was here. Fucking pissed me off. The idiot locked all the doors as she came up the stairs and guess who had to go back down to unlock them?? Not like my foot hurt or anything. Damn bitch. She was talking so damn loud the whole time she was here for like 2 hours or so I could swear the neighbors could hear her. It was getting on my nerves so I put some music on. Then the visiting nurse came for my mother. Even in her “normal” voice I could hear my aunt as she talked to the nurse, in my room with the door closed! Like nails on chalk board. I couldn’t wait for the nurse to leave so I could make the burgers. I was getting hungry.

The nurse left and within a few minutes, so did my loud mouth aunt. Burger time! I made two for myself and one for my mother. I have one patty left. I will have that for lunch tomorrow. Burgers were good. I loaded mine up with pickles, cheese, and mustard, the three things I love on a burger. I was very tired after I cooked and finished eating. I think the meds made me tired. Hopefully tonight I will sleep through and won’t wake up between 3 and 6 am.

The weekly special papers came, There are some sales my mother wants. I told her I would go to Market Basket tomorrow. She wants some chuck steak as it’s on sale. If I get it, I won’t get the eggs because they might break on the ride home. I will be traveling by T. I am sure the supermarket will be jammed packed as it will be Saturday. I’ll try to go in the morning so there will be less people, hopefully. Only thing that sucks is the return ride home. I will have to go to the Square to catch the bus home. Oh well. It will be an adventure. I am going to check the price of a few items I get through my online shopping. On some of the items I regularly get, the price has gone up by 20 cents. If Market Basket has it for a lower price, I will get it there next week, even though that means lugging it on the T.

I’ve read four chapters in my baseball history book this week. I have five chapters left. I hope to read another three this weekend. I am finding that if I read after my blog or before I want to sleep, I can get one chapter done. I am making notes along the way as well as using the stopwatch feature on my phone to time how long it takes me to finish a chapter. It takes me about an hour and a half to read just one chapter as they are so long. It is fun though. I am laughing because the Skankees haven’t been formed as of yet and Boston has as of 1871, though they weren’t the Red Sox. They were called different names but started out as the Red Stockings. The oldest team still in existence is the Cincinnati Reds, who were also called the Red Stockings in 1869. I am learning a lot as I read along. It is the first book that I have enjoyed since reading Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman. If I keep up the reading, I should be finished with it sometime next week. It will be my first book read this year. I hope to read 25. That is my goal. If I don’t kill myself, of course.