Tag: chronic illness

drifting off yet staying awake

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Drifting off yet staying awake

Pain is really making me suicidal tonight and a crying mess. I had my Chinese food from a new place. It was really good except I didn’t like the peppers in the General Gau. It was spicy and the sauce was sweet and sour in good proportions. I really liked it. It made me less irritable. But after I came back to my room, I had a meltdown as the pain increased and the tears flowed. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I just gave up trying to hold them back. I wrote some things on FB, on my wall and in my support group. I talked with one member privately. She understood what was going on.

I honestly don’t know if I am going to survive that much longer. I need to probably make an appt with a pain doc and hope I don’t get some shmuck resident. I have no idea when I will be able to get an appt. I know it probably won’t be soon.

I am very tired of dealing with this and many things. It is just exhausting dealing with pain every night and not being able to come up with a combo that works. I took a high dose of gabapentin as the nerve pain has started. The side and top of my foot are on fire. Least with the physical pain, I knew with in an hour or two, the pain would subside. Not so much with nerve pain. I never know when it will subside. But least it helps me sleep some.

Hope tonight is not a game night where I take my foot out from under the blankets, wait for it to “cool” off and then put it back under the blanket night. I hate that game. I also hope the lying down and sit up game isn’t played tonight either. I do have to say that I have been sleeping slightly better with the new body pillow I got for my birthday. I really love it. My shoulder loves it too as I am not using it as a pillow as much.

Going to try this thing called sleep. Hope it works for me and I get a few hours, maybe more, that is if the orange toddler doesn’t press his bigly button and cause a catastrophe. Don’t know when his supervisors are going to take his phone away, or better yet, Twitter takes his account away. But that is a subject for another day. Night folks…

pain day nothing new

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain day nothing new

I woke up to my med alarm going off. I didn’t want to get up. I took my meds and needed to brush my teeth. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and then brush. My mother’s phone isn’t working so her visiting home providers are calling me to let me know when they are arriving. An occupational therapist left me a message saying she was going to be here around 1130 or so. I got up again to go back downstairs to let my mother know. When I came back to my room, I figure I would do the few errands I needed to do rather than go back to sleep.

It was cold out but I have a warm jacket and I was roasting by the time I got to the store. On the way home, I realized I forgot my keys. I had changed my wallet, which had a key inside so I was locked out. I had to ring the bell for my mother to open the door for me. She wasn’t happy. Oh well. I had bought us some buffalo wings for lunch. I made them after the therapist left.

My mother kept calling me about calling the phone company to fix her phone. I kept telling her they would text me when they would come out. Finally I got so pissed I called, and guess what, they aren’t coming out till tomorrow, like I told her! Then she decided to call some place and was put on hold. She wasn’t patient so after about 10 minutes she hung up. Only problem was the line was still open because the phone is broke. I kept checking and finally the lady had picked up. I gave my mother the phone so she could talk to her. Now she has a dial tone.

My foot acted up soon after I made my mother lunch around 1230 or so. I have been in moderate to severe pain since. It has made me depressed and I just feel like I want to fucking die. Like what is the point in living an existence anyway? I am so annoyed. We are getting some serious snow starting sometime tomorrow night into Thursday and then it’s the deep freeze again Friday. I cancelled my PT appt as I didn’t want to be out in a snow storm waiting for the bus. Friday I will need to go out because I have to see my psychiatrist. That is going to be fun! Just hope it isn’t icy or I will cancel. I don’t know when the “blizzard” will end but I am sure I will find out before Friday.

I have been craving Chinese food. I shouldn’t order it but I am going to. After the annoying day I’ve had, I think I should be rewarded. I haven’t had dinner yet as my mother just had leftovers. We still have the ham from Christmas. No thanks. My mother is waiting for it to become penicillin before she throws it away. I am not touching it.

I’m still having dizzy spells. I think I am going to skip my dose of the new med tonight. My mother is driving me to drink today. She just called me because she couldn’t get the TV on. She accidently keeps pressing the TV input button but is denying doing so. I have to go downstairs and fix it. Then I couldn’t get the damn remote to sync with the cable box and TV. I turn the TV on, cable box off. Tried again and the opposite would happen. I was getting so annoyed. Finally I just turned on the TV and manually turned on the cable box. I sent Comcast a message via twitter but they want me to DM them and I am too tired to go through bullshit. I’ll fix it tomorrow, I hope.

New Year’s Day 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Year’s Day 2018

Happy New Year’s to all my readers. Hope your year is full of good things.

I don’t really set any goals as I am so bad in keeping them. But if I were they are the following:

• Lose weight, 20 pounds and I will be happy
• Read more books
• Spend less time on social media so I can read books
• Watch at least 5 movies that I bought so I can wipe the dust off them, LOL

I once again set a reading challenge on GoodReads. I hope to read 25 books during the year. I have started two new books, Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and a baseball history book by John Thorn. I miss baseball very much and I have always wondered how the game got started, what the rules were, etc. Just in the introduction I learned that the game originated around 1839 in Cooperstown New York. There is also is another town in Pennsylvania but it didn’t last long. I am excited about reading it.

It’s another cold day. I woke up around 0930 and it was 1 degree. It is now around 10 degrees, so warmed up a bit. It is very bright out as the sun hitting the snow is glaring into my room. I may have to pull the blinds down. I want to get new blinds, the kind that are vertical not horizontal. I just have to measure the width so I can get them. I have the hooks on the frame of the window because the space inside where you would normally put them is too small. I also need to get a new curtain rod as my drapes are too heavy for it. One of these days I will go to Target and get it. I might have my cousin take me. He doesn’t mind because he likes to talk to me and smoke in the car as I don’t mind it.

I just posted a recipe that I like to try. I got to buy the cheddar and butter to make the biscuits. They are supposed to be really good. I love biscuits and have always wanted to make some. Hope they turn out good.

My brother in law made a pot of chili yesterday for the party. I went downstairs to get some and other food for my mother. When I finished eating and then went up to my room, my ankle gave out. Now I am stuck on my bed. I am in so much pain. I also been having waves of dizziness. I hope it is not a side effect of the new med. I didn’t sleep too well. I was up every 3 hours or so. It sucked. I don’t know what I am going to do about the ankle pain. I might have to take a strong pain pill. I took the regular pain meds a couple of hours ago. I just want to watch some shows that will distract me. I might take a nap first.

new year’s eve 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Year’s Eve

I woke up around 3 in pain and sweating. I was hot in my room again. It took me a while to settle down and when I went back to sleep, my med alarm went off. I sleepily took them and slept a little more. I woke up hungry and decided I was going to make pancakes. I made them huge like I usually do. I couldn’t finish them all. I had made coffee but used too much water. It tasted okay. I need to go to the store to get some more half and half.

I can’t believe another year has come and gone. I am not looking forward to the new year, though I should. But that is the expectation everyone has, right? I am too cynical for that shit. I just take the days as they come. If I put too much into doing things and they don’t get done, I just end up with disappointment and who wants that. I will be lucky to make it through the next few months as I try and get a pain doc that will prescribe pain meds. The thought of sticking with my current regimen is not sitting well with me but if I have to continue with it despite not finding a pain doc, then so be it.

In Feb, I see the LGBT doc to move forward with my transition. I am apprehensive about it. I know I have a lot of medical and psych issues. I just hope I don’t have continue to suffer in this fucking body like I have. I want to be a man and if that cannot happen, it is over. I won’t be able to continue living in the wrong body.

I went to my sister’s party and lasted about two hours. I had a lot of food. I talked with my neighbor and finally told her I was transgender and was going to transition. She wants me to come to her house more to talk. She is a nice lady but is a heavy drinker. I don’t know if she will remember what I told her.

I was sitting in my sister’s swivel chair and for some reason, my bad foot was a target tonight. People kept accidently kicking it. I had to use my foot to keep it from turning. It flared up on me and I had to leave. I hate being in this much pain again. Unfortunately, I had a beer so I can’t take any pain meds just yet. It feels better with it on the bed. I have someone’s cologne on. It smells nice. I text my other sister that I was upstairs if they needed me. I told my niece I was going up as we were celebrating her birthday.

I am feeling bad because the pain is getting to be too much. Even though I am not putting any pressure on it right now, the pain is soaring. I should have worn my boot. Oh well. I don’t have any where to go tomorrow except maybe to the store for some half and half. I am so tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to midnight. Happy New Year to all my readers. You mean a lot to me.