Tag: chronic pain

just another day of fricken pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just another day of fricken pain

My back and leg have been bothering me all day. My lower back has been hurting so much. I really pulled a muscle. I’ve been taking ibuprofen to try and ease it. Today I had to put heat on it because it was just awful. My right calf refuses to loosen up. It’s so stiff. So I have been putting heat on that as well. It helped some because when my mother called me down for dinner, I could walk somewhat normally.

My CRPS ankle/foot is being a complete jerk. So I am hurting on both sides of my lower body. I hope I never have upper body pain because I don’t think I can handle it. I am so tired today. Yesterday, I had taken stuff to go to the bathroom and it started working soon after I got home from the restaurant. I was in the bathroom at least until 1 or 2 am. Then when I got up this afternoon, I went again. I feel like I all I’ve been doing is shitting my brains out. I won’t be taking senna tonight with my night meds. That will be too much.

I am feeling like absolute crap. The depression isn’t helping one bit. Tomorrow is Easter and I really don’t want to spend time with my family. I rather just stay in my room all day. I don’t want to interact with anyone. My mother was just annoying me today. I know part of it is that I don’t feel well. But she really was just being so annoying. While we were having dinner, there was a bowl in front of the TV and then she is wondering why she couldn’t turn it on with the remote. I moved the bowl and manually turned it on because she kept on bitching about why wasn’t it working. Not like she pays attention to the TV so I have no idea why the fuck she wants it on. Pisses me off.

I had the cole slaw with dinner and it was terrible. It tasted really bad. I will not be buying it again. This is the second time I bought it and didn’t like it. I don’t know if it was because it was the Stop and Shop brand or what. My mother will be making soup tomorrow. I had bought celery so I can put it in my tuna sandwich. I wanted the cut up one but it was like $4 for a small container whereas the stalk bunch was half that. My mother usually cuts it up and freezes it anyway. She freezes everything.

I got to lay down again. I can’t sit up anymore. Pain is too much. Fucking hate this shit. I hope it is better tomorrow but I doubt it. It usually takes a week or two to recover from this muscle strain. I am so mad at myself for doing this. Now I know I can’t sweep or mop floors.

music, haircut, birthday dinner, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Music, haircut, birthday dinner, and other things

My med alarm woke me up before 0700. I was feeling okay. I took my meds and didn’t want to go back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and as I was going down the stairs, I heard my mother cry out. I listened to see if I should run back upstairs or what. I didn’t hear anything else, so just went to the bathroom real quick and then made my way up the stairs. I went in her room and she was settling down. I asked if she was okay and she said yes, why? I told her because I heard her cry out and she said she didn’t. Okay.

Around 8 I decided to catch the bus to the square for Starbucks and maybe some writing. I also needed a haircut and to renew my T-Pass. I got my espresso and a sandwich. I was kind of thinking of what I should write. After I ate, I took out my journal and my notebook where I have been writing my story. I wrote in my journal first and kept staring at my notebook. Nothing was coming to me. I was getting frustrated. I haven’t written anything new since Feb. I didn’t know if I should write something new or continue with what I had written so far. It was agonizing. I gave up and went to the little grocery store to get some cole slaw. I wasn’t planning on getting some dip but found one that I liked. I had bought some multigrain tortilla chips but had no salsa to go with it.

I got my T-Pass and then my haircut. My regular barber wasn’t in yet so I had the other guy. He did a good job. I just caught the bus home with 30 seconds to spare. I came home and showered and I was so fricken tired but I couldn’t sleep. My sister called and asked if I wanted to go to Trader Joe’s, another grocery store chain. I said sure as I wanted to check out their stuff. I walked around and my back hated me severely. She wanted to go to another store and I told her I would wait in the car. I listened to music while I was waiting.

While I was up late last night, I ordered songs from my favorite female artists. I spent the day listening to the music. I love Mary Chapin Carpenter. I didn’t realize 12 of the 13 songs were just songs she previously recorded. I knew of at least four of them. The others not so much. I have to research to find out which album they are on. I know I don’t have her early stuff. Just stuff from 1992 on, except her only holiday album. I keep wanting to get it and never do.

I rested as much as I could as my sister invited me to go out for her husband’s birthday celebratory dinner. It was supposed to be at a restaurant I liked but they were packed so we went to another Italian restaurant. I didn’t like their food. My nieces didn’t like it either. We took it home. My mother might have it for lunch tomorrow. I had ordered steak tips and they were so plain and not cooked enough. I will cook them and eat them with A1 sauce.

As I was waiting for my brother in law to get ready, there was a baseball game playing between the Tigers and Pirates. They went into extra innings and it became funny. The Tigers manager got ejected for arguing after a replay overrule. In the video, he kept kicking the ground. I found it hysterical. The overrule caused the game to continue to the 13th inning. The Pirates won the came 13-10. It is only the 2nd game of the season, which is why it caused so much fun. Usually beginning games do not go past 9 innings but it’s always fun when there is “free baseball”. Sox won today 1-0. I am not sure who got the win as the score was nothing nothing until the 8th inning. I doubt the starting pitcher, David Price staying in that long. I will look it up later.

My back is still not 100%. My mother had moved the toaster to the kitchen table so she could make cookies. I decided to empty it of crumbs. Both collection trays were full. Then I decided to empty the toaster itself. I got half of the stuff in the trash and the rest on the floor. The sweeping caused my back to hurt, even though I didn’t bend down or anything. I kind of swept more than the area where there were crumbs so that partly is why my back got upset. I hope it doesn’t bother me tomorrow as I really want to make these muffins. I don’t know if my mother is going to be baking anything as my sister bought some desserts for Easter.

I am in a lot of pain and my depression is starting to run high. I just feel so fricken low and there is no reason. Well, sort of. Pain can be a reason, a huge one. While we were walking back to the car, my sisters and nieces were walking pretty fast and I just could not keep up, though I tried. My legs were just hurting too much. The chairs at the restaurant weren’t that comfortable and because they were busy, we had to wait for our food a long time. My ankle was screaming a few times even though I took my pain meds before leaving. I don’t think I am going to do anything tomorrow but rest. The muffins can wait. Nothing will go bad over the next few days.

my aching back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My aching back

My lower back was really sore today. I mostly stayed in bed. I had some tea and crumpets for breakfast. I didn’t feel like having anything else. I went back to bed as there was no way I was going to be able to go out. I was too sore.

I wanted to wake up when the baseball game started. Today is Opening Day. I woke up to my phone ringing. It was my best friend calling to tell me there was an inside the park home run. Fuck and I missed it. I saw replays of it. It was awesome. The Sox were up 3-0 but would lose 6-4 in the bottom of the 8th inning. Relief pitching is going to be a problem. They had walked four batters, and the ump didn’t help as he narrowed the strike zone. I hate when umps do that.

I made some hot dogs for dinner. My back was really hurting. I put some heat on it and that didn’t help. My brother in law gave me some lidocaine patches so I have one on now. I hope it helps. I need to renew my T-pass tomorrow. I also want to get my haircut. I don’t care if I go to Starbucks tomorrow or not. Depends on how I feel. I hate feeling so crummy. I need to take a shower. Maybe I will in the morning. My Barber shop doesn’t open till 1030 or 11 tomorrow. That will be a good time for me to shower and the go to the Square.

I took my night meds so I hope to be sleeping by the time I finish my blog. I really don’t want to do anything. I am really sleepy after my nap. My sister had come up and said I didn’t have to make muffins because she bought a lot of desserts for Easter. Tough. I already bought the stuff so need to make them. If I don’t make them tomorrow, I will make them Saturday. I still need to print off the recipe. I got it from King Arthur Flour, I think. I will bring a couple to my therapist on my Monday and my barbers, too.

Last night, I was feeling really suicidal. Pain was making me crazy, between my back and my foot/ankle. I started writing in the draft blog I started a few weeks ago. I just added to it. I don’t know if I am going to publish it or not. It was kind of a revelation when I first created it.

I have decided to restart baclofen at 10 mg at night. I was getting bad cramping in my leg last night. I hope it is not because the CRPS is spreading up my leg. It was really depressing me because I have no idea who to see to talk to about it. My PCP is useless. I was going to try and make an appt with the new neuro but I didn’t feel like dealing with aggravation today. I will try tomorrow. Meds are kicking in so I will write to ya later.

I’ll have two of everything

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ll just order two of everything

I woke up around 330 in pain. I took some meds and couldn’t get comfortable. I played on my phone for a bit trying to settle down. I didn’t want to take a full Ativan so I took half to get back to sleep. The doorbell rang around 0830 for my mother but I had to go down to see who it was. I had to stay up then because my groceries would be coming in a couple of hours. I wasn’t hungry so I just made a cup of tea.

The grocery delivery came a little before 11. The previous guys usually bring up the refrigerated and frozen before getting to other stuff. This guy decided to bring whatever. His first time up was with some of my powerade bottles. As I was moving them to where they needed to go, one made a break for it and rolled down the stairs and of course, broke. I swore and then went downstairs to clean up as the guy kept bringing stuff up. I told him to watch his step so he wouldn’t slip. I got most of the stuff wiped up and then went back upstairs to put away the refrigerated and frozen stuff. I then called my mother and told her if she came home to be careful as the floor may be wet.

Once that stuff was away, I got the mop and some spray my mother told me to use and cleaned up more so it wasn’t sticky. My back was ready to kill me. Just mopping and standing was hurting me so bad. I went into my sister’s apartment to get a bucket to rinse off the mats. She didn’t have one. So I got a huge container and kept filling it and bringing it to the front porch to rinse the mats. I did this a few times. When I was satisfied that the mats were thoroughly as rinsed as possible, I put the container back and went upstairs. I rinse the mop and then went to put the groceries away.

I had bought nearly two of everything (aside from my beverages), which would explain why my grocery bill was so high. I also bought enough cereal to last me two months, two boxes of at least three different kinds. I was shaking my head. Because the plastic bags with the beverages were falling apart, I used the reuseable bags to stock my powerades. My back was ready to revolt and my foot/ankle was starting to throb really bad. I rested in the kitchen and got hungry. I decided to make a frozen dinner. As I was putting it in the microwave, my mother came home. We chatted for a bit and then I asked her if she was baking tomorrow as I wanted to make muffins. She asked if they were white or black. I said I never made them before so I have no idea how they were going to come out. She then made the gag sign. I wanted to smack her. She then made a comment about what I was eating. I felt like flinging it at her. She was getting me so mad. Then she asked what kind of cake I bought. I said it was cornbread. She ate it and said it didn’t taste like corn. (I had a piece and it did) I told her her taste buds were off. I finished my lunch and then went upstairs. I was hurting so bad but I was so damn tired. I took a nap. Not even an hour in, my mother calls me. I didn’t answer. I woke up an hour later and was more sore than when I first laid down. I hope I didn’t hurt myself. My foot was berserk. I hope I can sleep tonight and my back is better tomorrow. I want to get my haircut.