Tag: chronic pain

rough rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough rainy day

Seems the weather is playing a role with me having migraines. It’s been raining on and off all day, with downpours at times. My head just exploded about two hours ago. I should have known something was going to happen when I got a pain in my neck. My migraines are so unpredictable. I never know when I am going to get one. Sucks.

I called the male psychologist in Cambridge again. I found a different number for him so I called it. He returned my call and I have an appointment with him on Monday. I hope it works out. Seems like a nice guy and he takes my insurance. I just hope my suicidal history doesn’t freak him out and he refers me to another therapist. I will be so upset. I also hope he is collaborative because I don’t like therapists that aren’t. Wish me luck.

I didn’t do much today. I mostly rested my ankle. I woke up at 0300 in pain so it took me a while to get back to sleep. Then I woke up 45 mins later. Fucking sucked. I took a shower and that seemed to help me get back to sleep. I wanted to make pancakes but I had no energy. I just had cereal.

My PCP’s office called and my prescription is ready for pick up. I will go tomorrow. I also plan on buying hamburgers so I can have my burger. I have been craving one, a homemade one. I really want to use my Dijon mustard. It will be yummy. I will also scout the area where this new therapist is to make sure I know where to go. I have a general idea where the building is but I want to make sure so I don’t waste time. It’s been a long time since I been in that part of Cambridge. I used to go there a lot during my teenage years as I went to a church there. This was before my suicide attempt. Then I cut the church going altogether. I was mad at God with how things were going in my life at the time. I kind of made peace with him after my diagnosis with Cauda Equina Syndrome. I talked to a priest while I was in the hospital and it helped to sort things out.

And the rain has progressed to thunderstorms. Just lovely. My head is going to explode from the noise. I really don’t feel well. I had to take a Zofran to stop the nausea as my stomach was doing flip flops. My headache was clearing up but is back again from the pressure of the storm. My ankle/foot is hurting big time as well. So I am hurting head to toe, so to speak. Going to be an early night for me. I will be taking my night time meds soon and hopefully be asleep before 2100.

Saturday blog 80

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 80

Well, after a month of having to manually adjust my setting on word to have borders, I finally fixed it so that I no longer have to do that. I am so relieved because it was a pain in the ass to do that on every document.

Today was my brother in law’s birthday party. I lasted as long as my pain allowed me to and then I returned to my “cave”. The pain exploded soon as I came back to my room. It was so bad, I thought I was going to cry. I took my pain meds and might have to take my strong pain pill because I am hurting way too much. I stood just a little bit too long.

The party was the usual crowd, which consisted of my street neighbors and family. My niece brought her friends over and I was kind of shocked that her best friend was gay. She had a girlfriend over the house and was showering her with affection. I just shook my head.

I was talking with a friend of mine on Facebook messenger before the party. Actually, I was talking to a bunch of friends on messenger today, all at around the same time. It was weird as I usually don’t have more than one conversation going at a time. Anyways, my friend from Texas and I were talking because she had post something about Amy Bleuel, the founder of Project Semicolon, and I had written something about it on her post. She wanted me to know that she was there for me should I need her. I thought it was kind of her to reach out to me. She knows of my history and that have suicidal tendencies. I told her that I was having trouble finding a therapist because most are not taking new clients, least the ones that I have called. I would be doing okay if I had someone to talk to about my pain every week and ways in dealing with it. It’s hard when you no longer have a support to talk to anymore.

I took a shower when I got up this afternoon. I bought a new shampoo and wanted to try it. It’s supposed to help dry hair. I hope it alleviates some of the itchiness I get because my hair is so dry.

Fatigued ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fatigued ankle

I did way too much yesterday that my ankle is still fatigued. I still taxed it today by going out as I had to get a few things at Walgreens. My mother needed some stuff there as well, though they were out of two of the things she needed. Always happens when things are on sale.

I came home and paged my psychiatrist as she wanted me to call her today. She still hasn’t returned the page. I guess she is busy. She will call when she can. I am in no rush to talk to her. I then made breakfast which my ankle didn’t like. I didn’t make lunch. I ordered from my favorite sub place because I wanted roast beef. It was good but I couldn’t finish the whole thing. I will have it for tomorrow.

My mother’s back is hurting her pretty bad so I wanted to make her dinner. She said she is going to have what she made last night. I said okay. Then my ankle started to spasm. I’m no longer cooking dinner and will be ordering Chinese food. I just can’t stand for too long to make the pasta that I want. Fucking sucks. I had to take an Ativan to calm the spasms. I probably will take a nap.

My mood has been rock bottom all day. My ankle feeling fatigued is the worst because there is nothing I can do for it except rest it. It’s not painful (aside from the spasms) but it’s letting me know it’s there, which is annoying the crap out of me. Yes, I know I have two ankles but one likes to say hello more often then the other one does. It’s so frustrating. I hope this fatigue is better by tomorrow because I need to see my psych. I also need to go to my former work place to get my stuff that was in my locker. The manager cleaned it out and is asking if I want my things. I have no idea what is in there as I haven’t touched it in 5 years. Hard to believe I have been out of work for that length of time.

I’m seriously thinking of buying a chainsaw on Amazon and getting it shipped the next day so I can chop my foot off. I am so sick of it hurting so much and causing me grief. Maybe if I am an amputee I can work again or go back to school or something. Now my foot is burning. WTF. If I need to take Neurontin (which I probably will), I will be toast the rest of the afternoon/evening.

Painsomnia is real

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painsomnia is real

I did way too much today, though, to an average person, it wasn’t really a lot. Just what a “normal” person would do in a given day. I am not a “normal” person anymore. So now I am in a lot of pain. I have taken my pain meds but I don’t know if I will need my strong pain pill to take care of the intense throbbing in my foot. It’s more annoying than painful at this point. But it’s keeping me up despite how exhausted I feel.

The cake I made came out good, though there were parts of it where it didn’t cook right. This is my third time making the cake and I don’t know what I did wrong. I might have over beaten the batter, but other than that, I have no clue. It’s still good though and I will be sharing it with my psychiatrist.

I sent an email to my psych today about not being able to find a therapist. I told her I give up as this was my fourth try. She wants me to call her tomorrow. So I told her I would when I got up, whatever time that maybe. She said to call her during the day so we’ll see. I feel like I am in trouble but I know that I’m not. I don’t know why I feel this way. If she was concerned, she would have called me right away. I hope it’s to tell me she has a therapist or maybe to try calling one more time to someone she knows.

I was able to shower today despite my ankle going berserk on me. I felt much better afterwards. I leaked so I had to shower. I hate it when I leak. I don’t understand it though because I am having a hard time letting go of my urine. It’s taking me a while for it to pass when I am on the toilet. Stupid retention. I hope I don’t have to see a urologist about this. I really don’t want to go for testing just for them to tell me what I already know. My pain meds mixed with my antipsychotic are making me retain more. Fucking sucks. I wish I didn’t have a nerve injury. Then I wouldn’t be having this problem.

I had to wait until my mother went to bed to try and sleep but I kind of got my second wind when I went downstairs to see if she put my cake in the cake thingy that she has. I also wanted to bring up the clothes she washed so she didn’t have to. She started washing clothes around 2000. Pissed me off because the noise annoyed me. I don’t know why she didn’t do it earlier. It’s not like she did anything. Just don’t understand it. She could have waited till tomorrow.

I’m not planning on going out tomorrow. I need to rest because I need to go out on Friday to see my psych. That is kind of a hike for me and takes some energy. It’s not a huge deal but I am always tired after the visits. Maybe I will get some Thai food after my appointment. I haven’t had Thai in so long. It’s one of my favorite foods. Shoot, I still need to get hamburgers. I bought rolls but I still haven’t gone to the butcher’s shop for the meat. I will do that tomorrow. Then I can have burgers for dinner, with my honey Dijon mustard. Yum!