Tag: chronic pain

New Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Therapist

I woke up early and couldn’t go back to sleep. I made breakfast after my mother left the house so I wouldn’t be bothered with her game playing or the loud TV. I wanted to catch the bus but I just missed it so I decided to go to the post office to mail a thing for a friend. The line was long and it was hot in the little office. The temp was close to 70 degrees outside and it must have been 80 inside. I was dying. By the time I was through, I collected my things and waited for the next bus. It was nice out so I didn’t mind waiting.

I went to Starbucks and got 5 shots espresso. My brain needed it as I had a headache and my brain was foggy. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was really coming to me. I decided to read my book so I read half a chapter before the writing bug hit as what I was reading was making my thoughts go wild. I decided I was going to review this book on my blog so I started writing about each chapter and my thoughts on the matter. When I was stuck, I started back writing in my journal. Before I knew it, it was time to catch the train. I was tapped out of coffee and writing.

I was still kind of early so I waited at the train station for a bit and let a few trains go by before getting on. I only had three stops to go so it was a short ride. By that time my bladder needed releasing so I hurried the therapist’s office building. I just made it to the bathroom and I had 25 minutes before my appointment. I was shocked I walked so quickly to the office.

I met with the therapist. He seemed really nice. He went over his policies and payment. I wouldn’t have a payment today because he couldn’t figure out what it would be so I will be billed. I was grateful because I am running low on funds. We talked for 45 minutes, with me doing most of the talking about myself and my condition. He asked questions as we went along. Then came the difficult part of telling him about my horrid suicidality. He was okay with it. Okay, great. I then asked what he does with suicidal clients and he explained what he does. I then asked if he had a contract of some kind. He said no. I thought that was a little odd, but I was okay with it. I really liked him and he seems willing to work with me on my direction so I have a new therapist!

What was odd was the female therapist that I left several messages to, called me back today. I was in a quandary as to what to do. But I made up my mind to go with this guy. His office is convenient for me and it’s in the evening so I am cool with that. I feel comfortable with him. We’ll meet again in two weeks as he is on vacation next week. Gives me time to process the session a little bit.

Sunday Blog 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 28

I didn’t do much today. I wanted to make bacon but I was too lazy to cook it. I had a bowl of cereal instead. I tried to go back to sleep but I just couldn’t. It was a nice day outside. I went to the basement to get some frozen dinners for lunch. I watched a little bit of the ballgame but it wasn’t interesting as the pitcher was lousy for my team. We were losing 3-2 last I checked.

I went to do my meds after lunch and realized I was out of my hormone pill. I quickly called that in as I needed it for tonight. I couldn’t miss a day. My blood pressure pills came in late yesterday so I was set with that. After a couple of hours, my hormone pill was ready to be picked up so I went. I was a sweating mess when I came home. I’m glad I took a shower earlier otherwise, I would have taken one when I got home. My ankle was upset but it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t wear my brace to the store. I got some more Vitamin Water as it was still on sale.

I filled my med box for the week and checked the ballgame. We are tied right now. It’s been a tied-untied game all series. I hope they win today. The Sox have lost the last two games. I have not been happy about this but it’s still early in the season as it just started. A fan from the Mariners is a moron. He/she is already looking forward to the 2018 season. I wanted to say something to them but I didn’t. I just shook my head in disgust.

I am sort of getting nervous about my therapy appointment tomorrow. I plan on catching the 1400 bus and grabbing my espresso. I also plan on writing for about an hour or so before I have to catch the train to Central. I was talking to my cousin about it and he is so dumb when it comes to the T. He thought I could catch two buses to get there. He just is so ignorant about it, it kills me. Then even when I explained to him that I had to catch a bus and train, he still thought I just needed two buses.

OMG…just checked the score and it’s now 7-5 with my boys in the lead!! YES!!! Hope the bullpen doesn’t spoil this lead for us! They didn’t and the Sox won their first road game! I am so happy. Maybe tomorrow we can kick Tiger ass and have a tied series.

My mom made peas and macaroni for supper. It was good. My middle sister was over so we all ate together. My sister was telling me about her son having some difficulties. I feel bad because I hate seeing him hurting and he is too stubborn to seek help. After supper, I felt sleepy and tried to sleep but my damn foot and leg wanted no part of it. I had already taken my regular pain meds and was contemplating taking the strong pain pill. But it seems to have settled down on it’s own once I shifted my leg. My foot still hurts but there is nothing I can really do for it.

It’s cold in the house despite it being like 60 degrees outside. My front porch is warmer than the living room. I don’t understand why the house gets so damn cold in warm weather. I wish it stayed like that during the summer but my mother opens the windows and back door to let the hot air in the house. Long as I have my AC in my window, I am happy.

Errand Filled Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Errand filled Friday

I had a good sleep despite waking up in the middle of the night, again. I was able to go back to sleep, though I did ponder staying up and going to Starbucks at like 0400. They don’t open till 0530 so I would have had to wait and I didn’t feel like waiting so luckily I went back to sleep. When I did wake up around 0930, I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I got ready to go out and catch the 0950 bus. I decided to have breakfast at Starbucks and write for a little bit before doing my errands.

The first place I went to was the PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. It was warm when I left the house but was getting cooler as time went on and the sun went away. While waiting for the train, I decided to start reading a CBT book on suicide attempt prevention. I plan on writing a review about it when I am finished. I should be done this weekend as it’s a short book and easy reading. The terms are a little complicated but are used consistently so it’s easy to follow along.

I got off at Central Square to check out where the therapist office was. It was a little farther from the station than I thought but definitely doable for me. There are plenty of benches along the way so if I get tired, I can rest. I just need to make sure I leave myself some time to walk to the building. It should take me about fifteen minutes or so to walk at a good pace. I was hurting by the time I made it back to the station and had to rest on the said benches. My back was hurting me from the weight of my bag for some reason. I might have to empty it out to see what is causing it to be so heavy. I have only a few things in it so I don’t know why it’s heavy or feels like it is. Some days it is and other days it’s not. I think it depends on my fatigue level.

I rested then caught the train back to my Square and went to the butcher shop to get my burgers. They were cheaper than the last time I bought them, which was good. I think I got 6 burgers for 6 bucks. They may be too big for the rolls I have. After this errand, I went and waited for the bus and read my book. I then went to Walgreens to fill my prescription. They didn’t have a long wait so I waited for them to fill it. I was getting really hungry by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me, too. It was already fatigued by the time I reached the bus stop. If I didn’t have my AFO on, I would have been dragging my ankle and would not have gone to the butcher’s shop.

I am waiting for pain meds to kick in before I make my burger. I am really hungry but it will really hurt me to try and cook with my ankle hurting the way it is right now. I checked my email and my psychiatrist responded to my email. I had asked her if I should make a history sheet for the new therapist to get the suicidality out of the way so I don’t scare him off. She said see if I like him first. I thought that was good and replied saying so. If I don’t like him, there won’t be a point if suicide scares him or not. I’m kind of nervous that I will have to “teach” him suicidology and how I handle my suicidality in therapy. He might have a different approach, which I will be open to as long as we work together on it.

I’m feeling really fatigued from all the running around I did today. Last night I lowered the heat so my room didn’t become a sauna every single time the radiator came on. Now my room is cold but I am not turning the heat up. I will just had layers and for the first time all winter, I turned off the ceiling fan. My mother thinks I am going through the “change” because I have been so damn hot lately. No, it’s because the heat in my room is making me crazy. My room is the hottest because I keep my door closed 90% of the time. The heat was making me feel sick. I don’t tolerate it well since having my nerve injury.

rough rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough rainy day

Seems the weather is playing a role with me having migraines. It’s been raining on and off all day, with downpours at times. My head just exploded about two hours ago. I should have known something was going to happen when I got a pain in my neck. My migraines are so unpredictable. I never know when I am going to get one. Sucks.

I called the male psychologist in Cambridge again. I found a different number for him so I called it. He returned my call and I have an appointment with him on Monday. I hope it works out. Seems like a nice guy and he takes my insurance. I just hope my suicidal history doesn’t freak him out and he refers me to another therapist. I will be so upset. I also hope he is collaborative because I don’t like therapists that aren’t. Wish me luck.

I didn’t do much today. I mostly rested my ankle. I woke up at 0300 in pain so it took me a while to get back to sleep. Then I woke up 45 mins later. Fucking sucked. I took a shower and that seemed to help me get back to sleep. I wanted to make pancakes but I had no energy. I just had cereal.

My PCP’s office called and my prescription is ready for pick up. I will go tomorrow. I also plan on buying hamburgers so I can have my burger. I have been craving one, a homemade one. I really want to use my Dijon mustard. It will be yummy. I will also scout the area where this new therapist is to make sure I know where to go. I have a general idea where the building is but I want to make sure so I don’t waste time. It’s been a long time since I been in that part of Cambridge. I used to go there a lot during my teenage years as I went to a church there. This was before my suicide attempt. Then I cut the church going altogether. I was mad at God with how things were going in my life at the time. I kind of made peace with him after my diagnosis with Cauda Equina Syndrome. I talked to a priest while I was in the hospital and it helped to sort things out.

And the rain has progressed to thunderstorms. Just lovely. My head is going to explode from the noise. I really don’t feel well. I had to take a Zofran to stop the nausea as my stomach was doing flip flops. My headache was clearing up but is back again from the pressure of the storm. My ankle/foot is hurting big time as well. So I am hurting head to toe, so to speak. Going to be an early night for me. I will be taking my night time meds soon and hopefully be asleep before 2100.