Tag: chronic pain

Sunday Blog 24

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 24

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was up till 0400 or so. I couldn’t settle down because of pain and then my anxiety shot up because I was in pain. I had to take another Ativan to get to sleep. I felt like paging my psych but I knew she would just tell me to take an Ativan and try and get some sleep. I slept most of the day, though I was up in the morning. I finally had a BM, though now I am scared because when I woke up I took two more fiber pills before I went. That could be trouble.

I participated in BPD chat this afternoon. It was good and I got a couple of new follows. I don’t know if I will chat with these people but whatever. Lately my tweets have been centered around my pain issues more than my mental status. I have a friend on Facebook that wants me to try some lotion that she found on the site. I am weary because they don’t really work the way they say they do. Then you are on their email list forever.

I talked my mother into making pancakes for supper. It made me happy. I love her pancakes. They are just regular ones, not the kind I make. I think she double batched the recipe so she can have more to save for later. I got hungry afterwards despite have six pancakes. I really haven’t eaten anything all day so I am making up for it now. I had the leftover Chinese food from last night.

Pain has been up and down for most of the day. I had to take some pain meds when I woke up from my nap because I was really hurting. I woke up with a headache that I am still trying to make go away. I am not sure it is a migraine or not. But it is annoying me.

I emailed my psychiatrist late last night. I thought she would respond but she hasn’t yet. I really need an appointment with her as I need refills on a few of my meds. Actually, all my meds that I take for psych I need a refill on. I also want to ask her if I could take my BP pill as a PRN for when the PTSD gets activated rather than always using Ativan to calm me down. Ativan works, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t want to be dependent on it.

I got to take my meds soon, but first I need to fill my box. I meant to do it earlier today but never got around to it. It’s like if I don’t do things when I first think of them, they just don’t get done. I should have done it last night while I was up so damn late. I am just glad I didn’t turn suicidal. The pain was manageable but it was still causing me anxiety because my last three toes are numb. I couldn’t feel them when I touched them. That would explain why they feel “weird”. I don’t know why they are numb all of a sudden. I am not having any other symptoms of CES. I can’t move my toes on that foot because of the nerve damage I suffered. It’s worse now with the pain syndrome. The numbness really set off my PTSD and it took forever for me to relax and realize I didn’t have to go to the ER or have surgery or anything else that was running through my head at the time. It’s scary stuff going through something so life changing. It haunts you. If I didn’t have a time bomb of all herniated discs in my back, I wouldn’t be so worried. But all my discs are herniated and that is cause for concern because one wrong move or fall or something can mean more surgery and more nerve damage. I really don’t want that to happen to me. I think if I got CES for the third time, I would kill myself rather than go through a rehab process again or try to learn to walk again. Twice was enough for me.

a tired blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A tired blog

Every morning this week, I have woken up in some kind of pain. It could be my toes, foot, ankle. Mostly it has been my ankle. I had to get up and take my blood pressure meds. My ankle didn’t like it one bit. I am so aggravated. Some days, I will need my strong pain pill to get through the day. But I haven’t left the house in almost a week. I haven’t showered. I want to today. I need to. But I don’t know if I can. I just want to lie down and sleep. I don’t want to do anything else.

I’m going to try and make coffee today. Maybe that will give me some motivation to do what I need to do. I am supposed to go to the post office to mail my former therapist her paperwork that she needs so that she can adjust my bill. I also sent her my new book as she hasn’t purchased it yet. I don’t think she knows how to, to be honest.

My settings on my word doc still are messed up. I tried googling them but all I got was what I am doing. How annoying. Then last night, my screen was making some kind of weird in and out colors. I hope my screen isn’t going like it did the last time. I don’t have money to fix or replace my computer. I know it’s old but it still does its job. I haven’t been on my laptop most of the week. I just have been using my phone or most things. One day, I was so “lazy”, I made a blog post from my phone because I didn’t want to log on to my laptop. I also have been staying off of Twitter as much as possible. If I tweet, I tweet and then I get off the app. There is so much shit going on between Trump and healthcare act, that it’s making me really sad. I honestly don’t know what the new healthcare act covers because there are a ton of shit it doesn’t. I don’t think the GOP thought of it at all. They just hated Obama so much they want to get rid of everything he did that was good for the US. Really sad.

I am really tired though I have a little energy. Maybe I will make some coffee if my mother leave the kitchen. I am not up for conversation. I want to make a bacon sandwich but it will be too much trouble. I really don’t have the energy level for that. I am going to order Chinese food today. I am going to order scallion pancakes because I forgot to order them last time. That is if my ankle will allow me to go down the stairs to get my order. That has been the biggest reason why I haven’t ordered food the past few days. I won’t be able to make it down the stairs. Being in chronic pain really sucks.

My friend’s birthday is coming up. I am thinking of taking him out to the Thai restaurant we always go to. It would be good to see him again. He is 80 years old. You wouldn’t tell as he looks to be about 60. He still gets around and is independent as one can be. I really love him as he is an intelligent fellow. He loves organ music. I have been thinking of writing his biography but I don’t know how to broach the subject. I have never written a biography book before. It would be interesting and a learning experience.

I have been thinking of getting my hair cut again. It’s not too long or anything as it’s been about two to three weeks since my last cut. But I really would like to keep on top of it. I like it when it’s buzzed. I might get it done next week. I hope this tiredness and lack of motivation lifts by then.

another day of pain and sleepiness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day of pain and sleepiness

I canceled my appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I woke up and felt terrible. I didn’t want to do anything so I sent an email. I never heard back from her. I just sent another email as the therapist that I called on Monday called me back a little while ago. He can’t see me as he doesn’t have time in his schedule. He said he would call around and get back to me. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work out.

I am feeling really tired and want to sleep. I might take my meds early again tonight. I just don’t feel like staying up. I wanted to shower but never did. I was going to order food but my mother made fish and I ate that instead. It’s the only thing that I have eaten all day. My appetite has been low. I haven’t felt much like eating the past few days.

In the email that I sent my psych, I asked her when I will be able to see her next as I don’t have an appointment right now. I hope she writes me back soon.

no motivation today at all

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No motivation today at all

I woke up congested from allergies and my ankle was being a brat so I took my pain meds and a benedryl. When I woke up, I felt a little better. My mother just got home from shopping so I helped with some stuff. I put the freezer things away first and left the rest for my mother to put away. She is better at organizing the fridge than I am. I then went back up to my room to relax a bit.

I was playing on my phone when a call came in. There has been a lot of spoofing with Massachusetts numbers so I let it go to voicemail. About a minute later, I got a message. Checked and it was the therapist I called on Monday returning my call. He did have a few openings for new clients so he wants to talk to me. I called him back and left a message. The phone tag has begun. I hope it pans out. It would be great to talk with someone again. I just worry about the copay situation because I get paid once a month. I hope he is okay with that, if this pans out.

I tried to go back to sleep after I left a message and my ankle exploded. I became really hopeless. I debated on taking the strong pain pill and did. It helped ease the pain I was in but didn’t help my mood at all. The benedryl wore off so now I am back to being congested. I will take another pill before bed.

My mother noticed that I haven’t left the house in a couple of days. I don’t care. I am debating cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I really am in the funk of not wanting to leave the house. I think once I take a shower, I will feel better. I haven’t taken on all week. I keep saying I will take one today but I never do. Tomorrow I have to because I have to see my psychiatrist. If I do see her, maybe I will reward myself with some Thai food. I haven’t had it in a long time.

Waking up in the middle of the night really messed things up for me. I never reheated my pancakes. I just had a bowl of cereal and my mother made spaghetti and meatballs for supper. That’s good because I wanted to order food. I haven’t made coffee in a few days. I just don’t feel like having it. I really feel like I could sleep right now. I am just so tired and I haven’t done anything all day. It has to be the depression making me feel this way. I hate when I have depressions like this. It just sucks and makes me feel completely hopeless about things. I emailed my psychiatrist about feeling this way. I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to ask her for her permission to end my life. I know it sounds stupid and I know that the answer will be no, but I really want to hear her tell me that. I value her opinion on these matters. I just have my voices and myself telling me to end things so it will be good to have her say things opposite to what I am thinking. If that makes sense.