Tag: chronic pain

no motivation today at all

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No motivation today at all

I woke up congested from allergies and my ankle was being a brat so I took my pain meds and a benedryl. When I woke up, I felt a little better. My mother just got home from shopping so I helped with some stuff. I put the freezer things away first and left the rest for my mother to put away. She is better at organizing the fridge than I am. I then went back up to my room to relax a bit.

I was playing on my phone when a call came in. There has been a lot of spoofing with Massachusetts numbers so I let it go to voicemail. About a minute later, I got a message. Checked and it was the therapist I called on Monday returning my call. He did have a few openings for new clients so he wants to talk to me. I called him back and left a message. The phone tag has begun. I hope it pans out. It would be great to talk with someone again. I just worry about the copay situation because I get paid once a month. I hope he is okay with that, if this pans out.

I tried to go back to sleep after I left a message and my ankle exploded. I became really hopeless. I debated on taking the strong pain pill and did. It helped ease the pain I was in but didn’t help my mood at all. The benedryl wore off so now I am back to being congested. I will take another pill before bed.

My mother noticed that I haven’t left the house in a couple of days. I don’t care. I am debating cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I really am in the funk of not wanting to leave the house. I think once I take a shower, I will feel better. I haven’t taken on all week. I keep saying I will take one today but I never do. Tomorrow I have to because I have to see my psychiatrist. If I do see her, maybe I will reward myself with some Thai food. I haven’t had it in a long time.

Waking up in the middle of the night really messed things up for me. I never reheated my pancakes. I just had a bowl of cereal and my mother made spaghetti and meatballs for supper. That’s good because I wanted to order food. I haven’t made coffee in a few days. I just don’t feel like having it. I really feel like I could sleep right now. I am just so tired and I haven’t done anything all day. It has to be the depression making me feel this way. I hate when I have depressions like this. It just sucks and makes me feel completely hopeless about things. I emailed my psychiatrist about feeling this way. I haven’t heard back from her. I am going to ask her for her permission to end my life. I know it sounds stupid and I know that the answer will be no, but I really want to hear her tell me that. I value her opinion on these matters. I just have my voices and myself telling me to end things so it will be good to have her say things opposite to what I am thinking. If that makes sense.

Rest Day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rest Day

I spent the day resting my ankle and foot. I wanted to sleep but never did. I just had dinner and now my ankle is acting up. I never can win. But I needed a day to do nothing as tomorrow is going to be a little stressful. I have a course I am taking on how to promote your book. It’s in a part of Boston that I don’t go to regularly but the T station I have to get off at is old and doesn’t have elevators. I have to go up the stairs and that part is stressing me out more than walking to the building where the course is held. Least there is a Starbucks at the corner of the street so I can get my fix before the class starts.

I didn’t make coffee today. I had wanted to but I never got around to it. It’s too late now to make it. I will be up most of the night and I got to get up early tomorrow as the class meets mid-morning. I need to take a shower tonight so this pain that I am feeling now better skedaddle. Pain isn’t too severe but I can’t take any more of my regular pain meds until later tonight.

Reading and other things on my mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Reading and other things on my mind

Early yesterday morning I was drinking coffee and reading Neil Gaiman’s new book, Norse Mythology. It is excellent so far. I am really enjoying it. It has to be the first book that I can say that about in a long time. I wanted to get back to it when I got home from my activities but I was too exhausted and in too much pain to read. Later today when I make my coffee, I will read some more. I hope to be finished with it by Sunday. It’s not a big book.

Pain is keeping me up. I took my meds but I don’t think it will help as the pain is coming in spurts rather than being constant. It flashes for a minute or two and then stops. It is very annoying. Now I am dealing with burning pain so I took some Neurontin. I also took some Ativan and a trilafon because I am agitated and hearing voices. The voice is a cartoon character and it keeps telling me to “do it, you know you want to” over and over again. I have tried to shut out the voice but it keep invading my thoughts so I took a trilafon to ease it. I hope the psychosis isn’t because of the hypomania I had earlier today. I am hoping to get the voice under control or I will have to call my psych, who probably will want me hospitalized. Thing is, I don’t know what exactly the voice is telling me to do. Very weird and frustrating.

I am very tired but not sleepy. I am having anxiety due to PTSD because I am afraid to lie down for fear of the pain getting worse. And because I can’t lie down, I can’t sleep. It usually takes me several tries before I can lie down and actually sleep. It’s so frustrating. I wish there was a ritual or some kind of routine I could do to ease the anxiety but the pain is unpredictable. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Or I will be just to the point of going to sleep and the pain will intensify. So damn annoying.

I wish I could sleep sitting up but it hurts my back after a while. Eventually, I do lie down, but only when I am exhausted. I am hoping the Ativan works soon as it’s past my witching hour where I stay up all night. I really don’t want to fall asleep at 0400 or later. That will just suck.

got a lot done today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got a lot done today

I woke up in the early morning hours. My foot started hurting soon as I was awake so I took some pain meds. I didn’t feel drowsy right away so I did some shopping online. I bought my groceries and a new pair of glasses as my current prescription is getting hard to see. I hope I didn’t over spend as I took a withdrawal from the ATM to get my haircut.

I went back to sleep and wanted to make pancakes when I got up but the bus was coming and I didn’t want to wait an hour for the next bus. I got dressed quickly, thinking it was 30 or so degrees. It was 55 degrees and I was sweating by the time I got to the bus stop. I usually check the temp before leaving the house but today I didn’t. I took off my jacket and stuffed it in my bag. I had breakfast at Starbucks with my coffee. I then went to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. I am glad they had both meds available. Saved me a trip.

I went back to the square to get my haircut. There was like an hour wait but I didn’t mind. I really like this barber. I always get a good cut. We chatted while he cut and we always enjoy each other’s company. It’s a good relationship. I then waited for the bus to go to the pharmacy to get my meds filled. There wasn’t a wait so they filled it fast. I was grateful because my ankle had started to flare up on me and it was more than 12 hours since my last dose of pain meds so I was starting to feel the effects of no meds. I didn’t think I would be out that long. I came home and drank some water and took my meds. I then waited to stop feeling dizzy before I made some oatmeal for supper.

I risked taking a shower and just about when I was done rinsing off, my foot cramped up on me. I still had to dry myself off. I was hurting really bad. It fucking sucked. But I had to wash my hair to get the excess hair off or I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I quickly dried off as fast as I could. I then got the oatmeal and ate it while putting my foot up. That helped ease the pain a little bit. Until the pain got worse, I was in a good mood. Now I feel lousy. I am trying not to let it ruin the day because I did a lot in a short period of time. And the weather was good, even though I didn’t dress correctly. I hate that but it happens. Tomorrow it’s going to be 61 degrees out. I will try and go to the Post Office early in the morning and then maybe get to Starbucks if I time the bus schedule right. My grocery delivery isn’t until the afternoon so as long as I am home by then, I should be good.

I had to order more oatmeal as I only have one package left. I wanted to get cocoa puffs but they never really fill me up and then I am hungry an hour later. I think I am going to order meatballs, too. I can make a marinara sauce on Sunday and have spaghetti with meatballs. That will be good. I haven’t made a plain marinara sauce in a long time. I love making sauce. It’s one of my favorite foods.

My mother has an infection on her foot. Her foot is very swollen and one area she squeezed and pus came out. She is on antibiotics. I asked if she needed anything before I went upstairs because my foot was hurting and she gave me an attitude. I told her it was a nerve injury and that what I am doing is all that can be done. She didn’t want to hear it. I don’t know why I bothered. What killed me was that she compared me to her crazy assed sister that I can’t stand. That really pissed me off as I took it as an insult. I am nothing like her sister. Just aggravates me and I went upstairs. My mother can be so mean sometimes.