Tag: chronic pain

Games my foot likes to play

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Games my foot likes to play

The past few weeks, my foot has been playing these games with me. It will become really hot and painful so I take it out of the covers and it IMMEDIATELY cools down and stops hurting. Then it becomes cold so I stick it under the blankets, only for it to start hurting again so I take it out. This goes on for a while. It drives me crazy. One night I woke up with both feet on top of the covers and feet were freezing. Unreal.

I am getting tired of this game because I know one day it is going to stop and then I will be in more pain, unable to relieve it. I picked out another date. Fuck it. I don’t care, though tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 70’s. It’ll be my last chance to end my life while the weather is fair. My luck my back will go out because the temp jumped 30 degrees and I won’t be able to go no where.

I did a stupid thing tonight. I was trying to fix my lamp and inside where the bulb is was a lot of dust. Without thinking, I blew air into this cup thing. As you might of guessed, the dust blew into my face and I was blinded for a few minutes. Thank goodness I had my glasses on or dust would have been in my eyes. Idiot I am. I did fix my lamp though, least I think I did. We’ll see later on tonight if it turns on.

I am in a sour mood. The Cubs won, much to my dismay. My foot is killing me and there is nothing I can really do about it. I took some Neurontin to quiet the burning but that is half the problem. I also took an extra Ativan to help me sleep but I don’t feel sleepy. I just want to fucking die. That will solve all my problems in one shot.

I can’t believe my foot is calming down after I took it off the blankets. WTF. Who knew that would be the answer to my fucking problem. Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep. I know I am going to be dead tomorrow because I did a lot of shit today. I probably will sleep all day. Maybe, with any luck, I will sleep through my therapy appointment. I doubt it though. I am usually too nervous to sleep past the hour and I usually set an alarm to wake me up. I hate being responsible.

I just don’t know what to do if my foot becomes cold again because this in and out game sucks and keeps me up. I would put a sock on but that doesn’t help. I’ll try it though, a loose fitting one. I don’t want a tight one like my BoSox slipper socks or a heavy one like my thermal socks. Nothing too constricting or warm. I hope whatever my foot is going through, it doesn’t last all winter long. It will drive me up the fucking wall.

Completely Out of Spoons

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Completely out of spoons

My groceries came and by the time I put everything away, including going to the basement for the frozen items, I was wiped out. In fact, I am pretty sure I am in the negative for my spoon count. I had a choice to make, shower or make dinner and actually eat it. I chose a shower followed by an Ensure. It’s not a meal but it’s something. I hope it will hold me off till tomorrow morning. I am so tired. I feel completely exhausted and I hope I get some sleep.

My ankle is starting to hurt so I know I did too much. I did order a car for tomorrow to see my therapist. It’s down the street rather than up the street so I think I can manage it. But it’s early in the morning and I am not a morning person. I set two alarms so I can make it. There is a chance I will wake up before it rings but just in case. Lately, I have been waking up before 0630.

Because I am not planning on baking, I have decided to donate the Boston coffee cake to the party I will be going to Saturday night. There is a chance I still might make one of the cakes Friday but just in case I don’t feel like it, I won’t show up empty handed. I was really looking forward to that coffee cake, too. I should have bought two.

I can’t believe how exhausted I am. I really didn’t do more than what I normally do and I had caffeine. I guess my stamina has taken a hit because I have been spending more time in the house than I normally do. But it’s so hard to get out when you are in pain most of the time or haven’t had a good sleep because of pain. I think I finally broke the pain cycle but the pain is still there, just not as severe as it was. I hope later tonight I am not in mind boggling pain. I never know when my pain will flare up. I could move my ankle a millimeter and that is all it takes to start it up. And this is after resting it for several hours.

I hate having to decide what activity to do. If I wasn’t so wiped out after getting my haircut and going to Starbucks, I probably would have had dinner and then shower. But tonight it was one or the other. I couldn’t have both, not after the groceries took every ounce of energy I had. I still didn’t put all of them away. I will save that for another day. Or my mother will put them away, like she normally does because I take too long. She doesn’t get it. She think she does or pretends to, but she really doesn’t. And she suffers from chronic back pain, you think she would understand.

I have been trying to take it easy on myself since changing my sheets the other day. My back still hasn’t fully recovered, which was probably why I am exhausted tonight. Today is the first time going out since I took out my back. I guess I wasn’t up to being myself but I had to go out. The four walls can only stare at me for so long before they get to me. I didn’t go out this weekend because the T is crap and they were diverting buses. I rather stay home than deal with that mess. Only time I went out was to get my prescriptions and corn chips at Walgreens. It bothers me that I am still limited in what I can and can’t do. But my body doesn’t tell me right away that doing these things is taking spoons away. Before you know it, I am in the negative and I am exhausted. I know part of it is I push myself without knowing it. Normally getting a haircut and going to Starbucks doesn’t wear me out. But throw in back pain just two days ago and wham, I am out of spoons real fast.

I find it hard to control my life when there are these invisible things that I can’t foresee. I know that getting groceries wore me out quicker because I had to go back and forth and all around the house to put them away. Then stand at the fridge to put them away. This takes energy and I forget that. It’s one thing to stand in front of the fridge because you are hungry; quite another when you are putting things away. And carrying a gallon of milk and juice isn’t a light load. It just adds to the strain of your back pain. No wonder I was really pooped by the end of the groceries and only had enough energy left to either shower and shave or cook and eat. I knew I had to wash my hair because there was no way I could sleep in my clean sheets with hair clippings on my head. And even if I could manage it, washing my hair in the sink would just put most strain on my back. So I showered. It’s not like missing a meal would harm me. I am not a malnourished person, anything but. I had an Ensure though because I was hungry. Those things come in handy when you need them.

random 866

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been having random thoughts. I am in pain again and it’s putting me in the frame of mind that I shouldn’t be here anymore. I seriously would love to end my life right now but things aren’t quite right. The temperature is dropping and as I plan on killing myself in an open outdoor space, it’s very likely I could get rescued before the meds do their deed. I wish I could go to a hotel and end my life there but I don’t have a credit card anymore. I swore them off because I hated the APR % rates.

My ankle is throbbing like there is no tomorrow. I haven’t done a thing all day and I have been mostly on my bed most of the day. I might take a strong pain pill. I just took a couple of ativans because I want to sleep. Baseball game is going on right now and my team is winning, so far. I hope they win the series and beat Joe Maddon.

My therapist talked about me going in the hospital today. I wasn’t for it because I won’t be able to get my pain medications when I need it and I certainly won’t have access to my strong pain medication. I will be screwed should I have a flare up. There is nothing worse than being in severe pain on a psych ward and not having access to pain medication.

I have given in and taken a strong pain pill. I also have taken some Neurontin. It’s taking all I have in me not to take the whole bottle of that drug. But I have groceries that are coming so I can’t be a zombie. I wish I could just fall asleep but my foot is pounding.