Tag: chronic pain

random 866

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been having random thoughts. I am in pain again and it’s putting me in the frame of mind that I shouldn’t be here anymore. I seriously would love to end my life right now but things aren’t quite right. The temperature is dropping and as I plan on killing myself in an open outdoor space, it’s very likely I could get rescued before the meds do their deed. I wish I could go to a hotel and end my life there but I don’t have a credit card anymore. I swore them off because I hated the APR % rates.

My ankle is throbbing like there is no tomorrow. I haven’t done a thing all day and I have been mostly on my bed most of the day. I might take a strong pain pill. I just took a couple of ativans because I want to sleep. Baseball game is going on right now and my team is winning, so far. I hope they win the series and beat Joe Maddon.

My therapist talked about me going in the hospital today. I wasn’t for it because I won’t be able to get my pain medications when I need it and I certainly won’t have access to my strong pain medication. I will be screwed should I have a flare up. There is nothing worse than being in severe pain on a psych ward and not having access to pain medication.

I have given in and taken a strong pain pill. I also have taken some Neurontin. It’s taking all I have in me not to take the whole bottle of that drug. But I have groceries that are coming so I can’t be a zombie. I wish I could just fall asleep but my foot is pounding.

annoying therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Annoying therapy session

I woke up a few times during the night. It wasn’t due to pain, just restlessness I guess. I finally gave up around 0830. My check had come in by then so I paid some bills and ordered my groceries. I then set my alarm for therapy and went back to sleep.

I wish I slept through therapy. It’s was like my appointment with my psychiatrist, all talk about damn pain medication and how I should take it and so forth. It was pissing me off. Then she just started rambling about my blog that sent her. I swear, I just wanted to go back to sleep. It would have been much more peaceful. She wanted to discuss me feeling tiny and insignificant but she had her own ideas about it so I just let her rattle on. She was in a talkative mood today.

I told her I wouldn’t come out to see her tomorrow. My back is still giving me grief and I know I am not going to be able to make it up the hill. I will see her next week. She said that was fine. I tried telling her to just cancel tomorrow’s appointment but she wouldn’t listen. I told her I still had a date for this week. Course, now with my back acting up, I don’t see how I am going to execute it. I just can’t walk to where I am going and the weather is colder than I had planned. I feel defeated and I haven’t even tried. I am such a loser.

Saturday Blog 66

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 66

I am having a low key day. I want to rest my ankle as much as possible so I am just sitting on my bed on the computer. I might watch “Lincoln” in a little bit. I love that movie. I was going to watch my football games but my mother had the rugs washed and you can’t go into the room for 24 hours. So she is watching in the kitchen, where I usually watch my sports. I might watch in her bedroom. Pain has been starting all day so I am not sure I will.

I woke up before 0700. I wasn’t in pain until I was fully aware of being awake. I played on the computer and was hoping to go back to sleep before the rug cleaners came but it didn’t happen. I didn’t go back to sleep until my mother left the house and it was quiet. I got up around noon and made coffee and had a pop tart. The pop tart didn’t hold me so then I made some fish and chips. My mother came home as I was waiting for the oven to pre-heat. She didn’t have lunch so I made her some fish sticks too. She started arguing with me about the fish, thinking we had fish filets but I had the last two and she didn’t know that. UGH. Which reminds me, I need to order some more fish sticks. So much for keeping my grocery bill under $150. I might take off some items. I like to click and then when I am not hungry edit the list. I am keeping the Boston coffee cake because who doesn’t like coffee cake!?

As we were waiting for the lunch to be ready, I was talking with my mother about pie pans. I plan on making a cake next weekend and I need 10 inch pie plate. She didn’t know how many inches the pan she uses for her yummy custard pie to I looked today and it’s 10 inches. I am glad because now I don’t have to buy one. It uses a lot of sugar so she probably is not going to have a slice of cake. She wanted me to make cupcakes but it’s not made for it so we had a discussion about it. I HATE making cupcakes or muffins because I can never get them right. They never fill the liners or deflate after they are out of the oven. It’s so frustrating. I still haven’t figured out how I am going to chop the cranberries for my cake. I might use my food processor, but I don’t want them too fine. I have a week to think about this. I would make them this weekend but I don’t have the ingredients and I really want to rest my ankle. I have been a baking machine the past few weekends. I think that is why I have been in so much pain because I haven’t allowed myself to rest in between days of activity. I need to be better about that.

Last night I sent a message to my support group on Facebook about my difficulty. I told them I was suicidal and that any condescending talk about it will not be tolerated. So of course one person wanted me in the hospital because of my state. Idiot. I didn’t respond and I didn’t delete the comment. My friends were great though because we talked about baseball and my friend from Australia kept on being “dumb” about the teams we were talking about. So I had to inform him of what we were talking about because it’s hard to read sarcasm. He can be a very sarcastic fellow. It was funny. I got some support and it was good because others have felt the same way though they never voiced it. The weird part is, the group is closed so I don’t know how new people are finding the group. I thought it would be cut off but I guess not. I hope people outside the group can’t read the messages. That would be so awful.

I will be going to a costume party next weekend. I asked my sister if I should bring food or dessert and she said dessert. I will be making my better than sex pumpkin cake. I love this cake. It’s very easy to make, which makes it even better. I just hope my pain levels are down so I can enjoy the party. It’s been so long since I have been invited some where, especially for Halloween. Now the question is, should I get my haircut or let it grow? It does need a trim as it’s been more than a month since my last cut. I got a good barber that I am comfortable with and the price is reasonable. Guess I will flip a coin and see how that goes…

a midnight ramble about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A midnight ramble about pain

Guess what? I can’t fucking sleep. I am tired as all hell but my damn foot/ankle is giving me weird pains. I don’t know what to call them as it’s indescribable. I just know it hurts and it’s like it’s pinging because it will start and stop. Then my right ankle is curling up, by itself. That is painful. I had to take an Ativan to calm that shit down. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about this because I am not sure it is a side effect of the trilafon or if it is just a fucking nerve thing because of the nerve damage I have suffered. Either way, it’s not pleasant.

I am so glad my city has early voting starting Monday. I am going to get there, though I haven’t quite figured out how yet. I know where City Hall is but as I can’t walk there, getting there by public transportation involves buses. What fun that is going to be. And tomorrow I need to renew my disability pass for the T or I am going to be screwed come Monday as my pass expires on Sunday. I should have gone today but I didn’t feel like it. I will go tomorrow morning. I just pray they transfer the money that I have on the card to the new card. I don’t want to lose the money I have on it.

I joined a Spoonie chat this evening. It was good but very fast paced. It’s about dealing with life with disability or chronic illnesses. I met some interesting people. Some are able to work, others aren’t. It was a fun chat. Then I tried participating in the PTSD chat but it was weird. No one was commenting or asking questions so I left. I think they were watching a video of the chat and then commenting. I find it hard to tweet and watch so it was better that I left. I won’t go to that chat again.

I had to take some more Neurontin for my pain because of the weirdness in my foot/ankle. I think it’s some kind of nerve pain I am experiencing. I had taken 600 mg earlier tonight but I guess it wasn’t enough so I took another dose of 600 mg along with a pain pill. It was gross. The pain pill was bitter and the capsules of Neurontin have a weird taste to them. I should have taken them separately. Oh well, what is done is done. I know better for next time.

I have decided to grow my hair out or try to. I just need a trim right now. I hope the barber shop can give me one. Otherwise, I will have to see my cousin. I don’t mind seeing him but he smokes and then I stink of smoke afterwards. I hate smelling of smoke.