Tag: chronic pain

pissed off therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Pissed off therapy session

I took a nap before my therapy session which probably wasn’t the brightest idea in the book but oh well. I usually wake up just before session but this time I overslept and woke up to the phone ringing. Rats! I really wasn’t looking forward to talking to her today, especially after what “didn’t” get talk about yesterday.

I told her I didn’t see the point in seeing her and she told me this was a “place to process things”. I laughed. Really? Because that hasn’t happened in ages!! She dropped the issue and I didn’t want to pursue it anymore as I could feel my anger rising. I seriously don’t think she has a fucking clue as to how I am doing anymore. We spent the majority of the conversation talking about how many spoons are going to be spent dealing with my father over the next few days. That is all she seems to want to talk about lately: Spoons. “Spoons” is another word for energy spent on stuff. I got it from a lady with Lupus and you can read the article here. I thought that paper she wrote was typical of all that I go through on a daily basis, from getting dressed, to taking a shower, to making breakfast, etc.

Lately my “spoon” supply has been low and I guess dealing with my therapist just drains it lately. By mid session, I am wanting out of talking with her. I can’t stand 50 minute sessions with her anymore. They are driving me crazy when I don’t feel like talking. And I don’t feel like talking not because there is nothing to talk about, but because I am tired of the way therapy is. I thought that after a while, I would find therapy helpful and insightful. That it would bring meaning to my life but those are just fantasies that never get fulfilled. Granted the last 10 years have been tough with my suicidality and such. But you would think by now she would be used to it and handle it better. She doesn’t and it just makes me shut down. I feel more alone with every passing session because the one person in the world that should know me, doesn’t. I kept thinking about the Mockingbid song my Rob Thomas. The lyrics are stunningly close to how I feel about therapy. The Chorus is right on target:

Everybody else is smiling
Man, their smiles don’t fade
You don’t even wonder why
You just don’t think that way

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere
We can’t move on and we can’t stay here
Maybe we’ve just had enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

You and me tried everything
But still that mockingbird won’t sing
Man this life seems hard enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

We have tried everything to keep this therapy going. Consults, different therapy avenues, etc. But they never seem to help. I might get a transference session in where I talk about what is wrong with everything but then the next session is like I didn’t speak at all. Things are back to status quo. It really pisses me off. Now I am just hounded by thoughts of whether I should be here or not and I am again alone in dealing with them because my bozo therapist is too anxious to hear what I have to say. She doesn’t listen and she just talks the talk in circles now. I am not asking her to cure me of my thoughts but not having a place for them is really hurting me. But I understand that therapists have their own shit to deal with. But I just once wish that my therapist of 14 years would take a Xanax and let me talk. Otherwise, I think I will just give up therapy once and for all as much as it pains to be even type these words. There is getting nothing out of it if you cannot share your inner most, darkest, thoughts.

I have been down this road with my therapist for some time. It is a well beaten path. I just wish she would restrain herself some and listen more to what I have to say than get all bent out of shape when I mention suicide, or being gone, or leaving therapy. A seasoned therapist should know how to do this by now and I shouldn’t have to write this blog to get the message across, yet again…

I’m screwed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, mood disorders

I’m screwed

I had the appointment with the physiatrist today. He was a good guy, with a sense of humor and everything. We spent more than hour going over what to do with my ankle. According to the diagnosis he gave me for physical therapy, nearly every tendon in my poor ankle is inflamed. I’m screwed. I am happy though that he didn’t recommend a steroid injection. He wants to give physical therapy and a new medicine a try. The new medicine has some risks for someone like me. He warned me that it could make my incontinence worse. Fun. I am really hurting after all the poking and prodding. Hopefully, physical therapy will help me walk correctly. I do still have to wear an AFO (ankle foot orthotic), but he is recommending that I get a hinged one so that my ankle moves more freely. But right now, I am to keep my ankle as immobile as possible. He wanted me in a cast but I wouldn’t have it. If I go out, I will use the walking boot that I have. I don’t like it because it causes my hip to go out on me, but if it helps my ankle, I am for it. But there is no easy fix for my ankle. The doc hopes that PT can help stabilize it but with the nerve damage, there is no telling if that can happen. In the mean time, I am just going to go through the motions and see where they lead. If physical therapy proves to be too much for me, I am not going to go ahead with it and will say something. I am just glad the doc didn’t just offer me injections and that was it. But I still feel screwed that my ankle is so messed up when I really haven’t done anything major to cause it to be fucked up.

Right now I am feeling very sad. I am glad I know what is wrong with me (not like I didn’t) but going for physical therapy is going to be hard. I never know if I am going to get a gung ho therapist that thinks that if I don’t listen to him I won’t get better. I need someone that is willing to work with me and if I don’t have that, I am walking. Tough shit. I will find someone I can work with but it takes so much out of me, both mentally and physically. I know my ankle is messed up because I have been partly using it wrong, and partly because it is weak because of cauda equina syndrome. I don’t know what the hinged AFO is going to be like. I just hope it fits in my sneaker like my current one does.

I am in agony. Ankle pain just jumped to 12. I knew it would after all the poking and prodding today, plus walking the blocks to and from the various points I had to go to get to my appointment. I just put a NSAID gel on it to knock off some points. I hope it helps.

I really wish I had someone to talk to right now but there is no one. I really would love to talk to my psychiatrist but she is not available until Monday. I have emailed her all week and have not gotten a single response from her so I don’t think she is getting email where she is. She said she was at a conference. Least now that I know that I have a good doctor, I can cancel the appointment with the surgical fellow for the ankle that I had scheduled for Friday. With any luck, I might be able to see my psychiatrist. That would be wonderful. I miss her as it has been more than three weeks since our last appointment. I had to cancel our last appointment because of pain. She understood but it has been a nightmare trying to reschedule because she is so booked up. And we have been doing this via email so it is frustrating when I don’t get a response within a day or two. I do need her to refill one of my meds. And unfortunately, it is one where I need a hard copy, she can’t fax it.

My therapy schedule is also messed up next week because my therapist needs Tuesday off. Just when I thought things were going to be back to normal, they get fucked up again. I don’t talk with my therapist until Wednesday but I am going to see if we can do a check in on Monday. Hearing her voice some how calms me and lets me know that someone cares. I also need to deal with my father next week which isn’t going to be pleasant. I really wish I didn’t have to deal with him, my blood pressure would normalize for once, though it was good today at the doctor’s office. My pulse was still high. I can never get a resting pulse to be close to normal. It is always in the 80’s or higher.

Pain relief and oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain relief and oblivion

I have been staring at my computer screen for some minutes and have not done a damn thing but stare at it. Not so much as scroll through Facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I have no motivation to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. Except that I forgot I had a doctor’s appointment and ran to it, literally. If I missed this appointment I would be without pain meds.

I am having scheduling issues with him again for a month so I can see him again so he can complain about my weight. I am so sick of him talking about my weight. If I was an able bodied person, this wouldn’t be an issue. I would walk so that I can maintain my weight or lose it but I can’t walk so there lies the rub. I was close to crying when I was on my way home because he just doesn’t get how immobile I am. It hurts to so things and even when I don’t do things it hurts. Now he wants me to see two new docs. WTF I am tired of seeing new docs because I have to regale them with the sad story of where I have been the last two years of my life and why I am no longer working. I thought I did good finding an ankle doc at a place I see him, but no. Wrong type of doctor. HUH??? He specializes in the ankle and I have an ankle problem so what is the problem?? The whole appointment made me sick to my stomach. And that brought up the whole heartburn so now I have to be on another stomach medicine in addition to the one I currently take. Just lovely. Just pile on the meds. Not like I am not taking a handful as it is. Between my psych meds and my blood pressure meds, it adds up. And so does the prescription costs. This month is again finagling the bagel and I can’t rob Peter to pay Paul this month so I don’t know what I am going to do. I really wish my book sales were more successful than they are now. I really could use the extra cash.

I basically have no therapy this week because of all the appointments with my father this week. This sucks. I am trying to see if she has an evening time on Thursday but I doubt it. She wants me to see her at 1130 but I have to be where my father is around 1230. Hard for me to be in two places at once. It sucks but we might have a check in today if time allows.

I talked with one of my sisters today. She sounded more frustrated than I am about my ankle and the doctors not being able to do anything for me. But then, she doesn’t know much about medicine. I just wish my doc would understand that I have nerve damage in my ankle and foot caused by the two back surgeries that I had. But then, that is the easy answer, least for me. Thing is, I have been so depressed lately that I can’t do much. I left the house exhausted to see the doc and came home more tired than I left. It’s awful but then I am waking up at 4-5-6 in the morning, in pain. He said that I am stuck in a cycle and partly I am. I wish I could walk more so that it could help my mood but walking kills me. I am feeling so stuck it’s not funny. And with my financial situation this month, I might not have Starbucks funds to actually go out and get coffee, even if I felt up to it.

My doc asked if I was suicidal today. I told him no. I haven’t felt suicidal since I left the hospital. I have been engaging in some risky behaviors, like mixing alcohol with my pain medication. I am at my wits end so I do stupid things. When you are in chronic pain you will do anything to get relief. I know I am taking a huge chance of doing harm to myself but lately I just don’t care. I want pain relief and oblivion.

Saturday Blog 12

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12

There were a couple of blow out games in college football today. One was the embarrassing Texas A&M vs. Bama, 59-0. Second game was with Ohio State 53-17. I am more of an Ohio State fan than I am of Bama. But I couldn’t believe these teams going in there scoring and just beating the crap out of the other team. I would have loved to have watched it but I like watching the scores on Twitter. Nebraska will be starting shortly, but they are on the BTN tv and I don’t have that channel. So back to Twitter again. I hope Ameer Abdullah gets his 122 yards to make 1,000 yards rushing. This guy is a beast!!

Today has been another exhausting pain day. I woke up around 7ish and then was able to go back to sleep a few hours later and that sucked whatever energy I had out the window. I only took one pain pill today because although I have been in pain, I knew this pain wasn’t going to be helped by opioids. It sucks and the only thing that would help would probably be gabapentin but that would seriously knock me on my ass.

I hate it when there is nothing that I can take for my pain. I am going to take the gabapentin and hope that I don’t wake up at 3 in the morning. I will be taking my night time meds soon. I just wish I knew what was causing this pain. I have literally been in bed for most of the day because I have been sleeping so I don’t understand why I am in pain. Throw the whole tendonitis theory out the window. Laying down doesn’t seem to help it and neither does standing on it so I don’t know what to do. The pain is quite intense throbbing starting from the middle of the side of my leg down into my foot. It is annoying as all hell.

I really wanted to go to the store today to get half and half so I could make coffee. I miss having it at home. But I can’t drink the coffee black and I can’t drink it with milk. I will just be wasting it. And it is not like I am buying cheap coffee to be thrown down the drain.

The side effects of the pink pill are in effect. I can feel the spasticity in my forearms again. So I just took a pill to counteract it. I hate that these side effects are happening more frequently than they have before. I want to talk to my psychiatrist about this but scheduling an appointment has been difficult. We are trying to shoot for Halloween but I haven’t heard back from her. The thing about the spasticity is that every time it happens, I think it is a MS flare up or something. I know I don’t have MS but people with CES can mimic MS symptoms. I don’t have any weakness though, least not that I know of, other than in my damn foot. It’s just something I like to discuss with her to calm my fears about MS.

It’s difficult being on this medication but I need to be on it to keep the voices at bay and the paranoia and delusional thinking that can happen. I have been taking it every other day to try to keep away the side effects but that doesn’t seem to be helping. And when I get stressed for some reason, the psychosis is worse. I am not stressed at the moment or I think I would be drinking more. The gabapentin that I took really zoned me out for a few hours and now it is hitting me again with dizziness and fatigue. I need to lay down so I will stop here.