Tag: chronic physical pain

Had a day out

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

Had a day out

I had therapy this morning and just like I predicted my therapist got on her high horse and told me to take my meds. I told her I wanted a break from antidepressants and she was like no. Then she said that I didn’t go to medical school so I should trust my psychiatrist and start the new antidepressant. She also said that I should listen to my providers (like her) and do the things they suggest. She called me out and I was pissed. I couldn’t find fault with her argument and that made me madder. I asked if she wanted proof that I take my meds and she said no. But when we were discussing things to do outside of therapy, I am to send proof I am doing it. There were at least three times during session I wanted to leave. I honestly don’t know why I stayed to be reprimanded on my actions or rather inactions.

I am listening to Jeremy by Pearl Jam, a song about teenage suicide. It is one of my favorite Pearl Jam songs because the lyrics speak to me. As I am listening to it now I think about suicide and how my life has revolved around it for more than 30 years. I often wonder why I am still fucking alive. I just live with suicidality. With the exception of the attempt in 2019, I have not acted on my thoughts in a good 15 years. I have been hospitalized a few times during that time but not because I attempted.

After therapy, I need to go out. I shaved and then showered. Then took the bus to the Square. I went to Chipotle for lunch and then I did a little grocery shopping because my mother needed bananas and I needed half and half. It was hot and I was sweating like a pig. It wasn’t muggy just hot.

I am going to write my therapist a note because I am pissed she has dismissed my knowledge of meds because I “didn’t go to med school”. You don’t learn the lethal doses of medications or their pharmokinetics by going to med school. I probably know more than a first year med student. What’s next, I don’t know anything about therapy because I don’t have a PsyD? I guess all the time I was studying psychology in college was a waste. I took pharmacology in college so I think I know a little more than the average Joe. Plus I read a lot about medicine and drugs. I’ve been studying psych meds since I was 15.

I sent my therapist part of the paragraph above because I think it is important she know how pissed I am that she doubted my knowledge of meds. I am glad I went out but it cost me. My legs were feeling weak on the way home. I was really tired from the heat. I didn’t take a nap because I was too restless. I watched a few episode of Community. Such a stupid show to watch.

Annoyed, anxious, and aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, suicidality

Annoyed, anxious, and aggravated

I have been having an anxiety attack the past few days. I don’t know what set it off. I was reading an info graphic about the difference between panic attack and anxiety attack. I read it and found I had anxiety I was feeling. Been like this for the past three days. I took some Ativan like my therapist said and did some deep breathing exercises. It helped a little but I am still on edge.

My mother wasn’t well this morning. Her sugar was low but the meter thing didn’t detect it or go off. My sister said she was still off so I took her blood pressure. Her pressure was low and then we found out she was taking an extra fluid pill that affects blood pressure. We called her doctor and told us to take the BP a few times a day each day and then call next week with the readings. I have been taking her blood pressure manually all day. It has not returned to normal. It is still low but she is not having symptoms so I think she is fine. She has been drinking fluids and we gave her some Gatorade to try and get her sugar up as well. I made dinner of chicken with BBQ sauce and rice. It was a good meal for cooking for the first time. I never made it before. I wanted to grill it but I didn’t have access to the grill. I plan on taking my mother’s blood pressure one more time before she goes to bed.

I got aggravated when my sister texted me again to take her blood pressure all so she could go out. I am pissed at this. I told her I wasn’t going to take it until bed time and she pulls this shit. She said she ordered a monitor and good luck with my mother being a good patient with that. I know my sister she will take her BP every fricken hour or every half hour to see if there is a change. Pisses me off because what is she going to do with the readings?? She isn’t a medical professional like I am. I know what to do which is why I had called the cardiologist to find out what to do about my mother’s low pressure. I am sure if it gets lower she will have to go to the hospital for fluids. Doesn’t help she has soft diarrhea like stool.

I am so annoyed. My stomach has been bloated the past few days because I am constipated. I have been taking Miralax since Monday and have not had a movement all week. I took a double dose of Miralax this afternoon. I just hope it doesn’t cause colon blow. I feel stuff moving but I still have not had the urge to go. It is frustrating me. To help my anxiety I have been taking Neurontin. Surprisingly I have been ok with a large dose. I haven’t walked into any walls. I just been on edge. My anxiety is getting really bad and I don’t know why. I took my night meds early because I have been up since 0530 and haven’t had a chance to nap all day.

I went grocery shopping and spent over a hundred dollars on food. I bought cold cuts, fruit, yogurt, juice, and my Gatorade but I forgot to buy onions like my mother wanted. I forgot to put them on my list. I brought 4 bags of stuff up the stairs and I was so winded. It took a really long time for me to catch my breath. The bags were not heavy but were heavy enough to cause shortness of breath. I was really fatigued afterwards. I had my mother help me put the things away. Then I ate my ice cream that I bought. It had rum in it but because Covid affected my taste, I couldn’t really taste the rum like before. It was a real bummer.

I have started my taper of citalopram and I think I am going to stop taking antidepressants for a while to see what happens. I have been feeling ok the past few weeks. I know I have had suicidal urges but I haven’t been depressed. People think that you can only have suicidal thoughts if you are depressed and I don’t think that is true. I think suicidal thoughts can be independent of a mood disorder. I firmly believe this.

a new show on a hot day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

A new show on a hot day

The Sox didn’t play the Yanks last night. Game was postponed due to Covid. Three players tested positive on the New York team. I was so bummed out. I watched a few episodes of Community. I once again had a difficult time sleeping. I kept waking up in the middle of the night. Around 530 I decided to empty my bladder thinking if I did, I would go back to sleep. There wasn’t much in my bladder but I was able to sleep until my med alarm went off. I stayed in bed for another hour before getting up to have my coffee.

I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds so I did that. My mother wanted Sweet n Low but they didn’t have it. I ended up ordering it online. I wanted to watch friends when I came back to my room but it is no longer on Netflix. I saw the Queen’s Gambit and am hooked on it. It is extremely well done. I love chess so it is a good show for me. I watch three episodes back to back to back. I just took a break to have lunch and to write this blog. I don’t know if there is a game tonight or not. They are still doing tests.

I had a 2nd cup of coffee and feel wired. I hope it lasts so I can watch more shows. It is such a good distraction. I woke up this morning in pain but as I have been moving about, pain seems to have gone away. My ankle and foot still throbs, but it always does. I haven’t decided if I am going to shower or not. I hate taking a shower in hot weather when the house is a thousand degrees. I need to shave. I have been putting it off the last few times because I hate doing it. My back always cramps up after a few minutes and it is difficult to take a shower afterwards. Even while walking to the pharmacy my upper back was cramping like crazy. I got to see the PT about it. Maybe she can do some dry needling and fix it like she did my lower back.

Yesterday some people read my blog Don’t call me daughter 2 so I read it. It stayed on topic throughout so I decided to have it included in my book. I am up to 32 pages right now. My goal is to write at least 200 pages. I am writing about my trans and transition experiences.

I’ve been feeling depressed with intermittent suicidal thoughts. I read an article about a clinician who lost a patient to suicide 28 years ago. He talked about how after all this time, we still do not know how to prevent suicides from happening. It awakened in me the thoughts of suicide and the urge to carry on with my plan. I thought about my therapist and how she would react. Would she even care? Then I think about texting her and wondering if she would respond. I am not supposed to contact her in urgent situations. I am supposed to reach out to a hotline or go to the ED. Or I could just act on my urges and say the hell with things. Those are my choices. And only I can choose which one to do. It is a very lonely place.

being triggered and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

Being triggered and other stuff

I was reading Twitter today and there was a post where a mother said her son was being teased by another boy at the pool for being a girl. It brought back memories of when I was called a boy growing up but then people would say sorry I mean girl. It would always hurt me though I never said anything. How could I? I felt like if I did, I would be corrected and told I was not a boy because of my genitals. I had some vivid memories come back and it just made me sad that I had to hide myself for so long.

I wanted to go out today but it was too muggy. I should shower as I don’t remember the last time I did. I want to shave my beard off. I had two cups of coffee to ward of naps. There still isn’t a baseball game until tomorrow. I am going to have a black bean burger for supper.

I’ve been feeling blah today. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I should go to Starbucks and write. I miss doing that and Starbucks has opened up seating again. I am fully vaccinated so I should go.

I just texted my niece as to when will I see her again and she said she is spending the night tonight. Yay! I get to hug her and see her for at least 24 hours. I miss her so much. My nephew has been such a grump since he is unemployed. He barely leaves his room to talk to anyone.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my psychiatrist and surgeon, back to back appointments. Going to be a little stressful. I got a list of questions for the surgeon. I have a countdown of the days till surgery and I am both nervous and excited for this to happen. I also need to talk to psychiatrist about possible med changes. I was going to ask to be put on Pristiq but it can cause nausea and I don’t want to be nauseous. I might just ask for an increase in the citalopram as there is room there for some increase.

I watched a YouTube video on a hysterectomy. I was a little grossed out at first but then was ok. I wanted to see what was done while the procedure happened. It wasn’t as bloody as I thought it would be but I know I am going to be wicked sore, to say the least.