Tag: coffee

Saturday Blog 9 Mar 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 Mar 19

I had a rough time sleeping. Pain kept me up till about 0330, then just as I was going to sleep, the power went out. I wouldn’t have cared except my ceiling fan was now off and I didn’t want to get hot again. Within 5 minutes or so, it came back on and I snoozed. I woke up as my mother was going downstairs. No idea what time it was but a few minutes later my med alarm went off. I shut it off and got up to take them. I then rolled over and went to sleep till around noon.

I needed coffee. I haven’t really been drinking any caffeine this past week as I don’t want it interfering with my sleep. But my head was like coffee, coffee, coffee, so I gave in. I have like 3 or 4 bottles of Starbucks Iced Coffee in my fridge so I don’t want it going to waste! I had a cup and a pop tart. I could barely finish the second pop tart. I was just full. I don’t remember if I finished my coffee (it was a huge cup). I had drank most of it so I was caffeinated. I was contemplating what to do today. I had to burn some CDs. They are really old that I wanted as MP3s. I was grateful my computer recognized them as they were in .wma format. Ya, kids, look that up! My second goal was to finished reading this new book by friend’s husband called Langford’s Leap. I really struggled not to stay up all night reading. It is that good! And I am getting to the good stuff. The first few chapters are leaving you wondering where this is going and then boom, it all comes together. It is a really good book. I highly recommend this. My last goal for the day was going to return the brace that I bought at Walgreens. I am sad that this one is closing and I have to go to the “newer” one down the opposite street. Still within walking distance (it is around the corner) but I know all the staff and there. I am going to miss them. I got to call my PCP’s office Monday to get my pharmacy changed over. Just sucks. I really feel bad for the latest pharmacy manager that took over. It has only been a few months she has been manager. I have no idea if she will be at the new location.

So I have done most of the things I set out to do except read the book. I am waiting for my sister to show up with my mother’s shopping. My mother got cold cuts and I could really go for a turkey sandwich. I wanted to go to Stop and Shop to get the things I need for the recipe I want to make but I still have no energy to do it. Too much walking involved. My heel is killing me just from going around the corner to return the brace. I still need to do my PT exercises. I didn’t do them yesterday. I wanted to but then my damn ankle flared up and just didn’t want to do them anymore. I’ve only don’t them once this week, least as far as I remember. I don’t remember Wednesday at all. I thought today was Sunday. I just feel so off because of that stupid insomnia bout. I really hope it doesn’t happen again.

My psychiatrist has not responded to any email I have sent this week. I feel really sad about it because she usually responds to at least one or two. I still don’t have an appointment with her because she hasn’t responded to my emails. Been sending one all week. I think she responded to the one I sent Monday about melatonin but haven’t heard from her otherwise. Monday I see the social worker in my PCP’s office. It is funny because she sent me a message last night about where her office was. She gave me directions and I laughed. I know all the buildings at the hospital campus, probably better than she does. I worked there a lot of years and had to go from one building to another. It is no wonder my CRPS ankle was shot by the end of a shift or two shifts (I was working in two departments when my ankle got really bad). And this hospital is not small. I am going to ask the social worker about the therapist situation. I thought it was an outright referral but I had to have an intake and that is still a month away before I hear anything. I hope I can walk there but not sure what state my heel/foot/ankle will be. It is getting better but I have been immobile all week, giving it the rest it needs. But there are times I am walking around the house and my heel flares up for whatever reason. The new brace I bought I need to wear today. I will when I go back downstairs. I got to get used to it and “break” it in.

tg issues, weekend, and sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

TG issues, weekend, and sleep

To my regular readers, I apologize for not writing as often I should. I am in the throws of another depression brought about by who knows what but I am pretty sure it has to do with my mobility issues and not being able to go to Starbucks as much as I would like. To further complicate matters, there will soon be a bridge on the main road taken out to accommodate the new public transportation line that the scum bag mayor wants. It will be a longer route to the Square (I am told by a friend). This will be the middle of March and will supposedly last for a year. I have never seen bridges taken down and rebuilt in a year’s time so we’ll see.

I also have sort of lost interest in blogging. I knew if I stopped blogging every day this would happen. And it happened. I think there were three days where I didn’t blog or just posted a pic. But it is hard to continue to write when there is little to no feedback. For a while I was writing just for the sake of writing. I kept track of my stats and there were few people who read the blog for that day or the day after. But no likes or comments. I thought I was okay with it and part of me is, but there are some days where I feel like no one will care if I just stopped writing. Hence my little hiatus every now and then. Some days I just write to give an update on what is going on. I hardly every write a blog about the chronic pain and how awful it is. I might but not in the moment because I can get suicidal very quickly, if I am not already suicidal. So if you don’t see me post, this is why. I am either in a rut of depression or I just am not up to blogging.

I’ve been thinking more about top surgery. I asked my sisters what did they think and my youngest was like if you have it done, I need to know so I can take off work. She didn’t care, I guess. Then she asked me if I wanted to be in more pain than I am in. This further made me realize she has no clue about CRPS and how it is. I most likely will be in pain post op from my surgery. But it won’t last forever and I will eventually heal, maybe have to go to PT for a bit, and then be who I am meant to be, provided everything goes according to plan. So, in reality, the decision is mine and only mine to make. Still would like to have some support on the issue, which is what I was looking for. I don’t think “hurry up and give me a date so I can take off work” was what I was looking for.

My middle sister will soon be living here with one or two of her kids. I am not sure. But this is going to be stressful because my sister yells at her kids all the fucking time and has no respect for others but herself. I am hoping she will be living with us just long enough for her to save up the money she needs to get an apartment for herself. I also hope they don’t think they can turn my office into a bedroom because that isn’t going to happen! I am not looking forward to this. The only benefit will be that she will help my mother more than I could, in regards to doing the laundry and dishes and maybe dusting. With these changes, I am not sure I will go ahead and have surgery as it will be quite crowded in the house.

Since Thursday, I have been recovering. Yesterday I went out to get a few things at the grocery store. Last week my sister bought me 5 powerades and they were bad. They were supposed to be lemon-lime but tasted like orange. One I had to throw out because I felt like it was burning my tongue. Another one or two, I diluted with water and that was okay. So yesterday while I was at the store, I bought a few more and looked at the lot number to make sure it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t so I bought three. I also bought my coffee that I was out of.

I pretty much had a resting weekend. Yesterday when I was doing my PT exercises, I still couldn’t move my foot outward without pain. I haven’t tried to do my exercises today yet. I still need to fill my meds boxes for the week. I am officially off the Trileptal. I am kind of sad about this because I have been on it for so long and now I am no longer on it. I hope I won’t have withdrawal symptoms from it. My psychiatrist and I went very slow with it, like we are doing with the Lamictal. I started with 100 mg last week. I think it is adding to my constipation as it has been really hard to go since I have started it. Usually fiber pills save me but even then it takes a few days to work and then I feel awful. I still haven’t found the right combo. I had take two senna today and still nothing! Hope I go later tonight or tomorrow. I hate being backed up.

harrowing friggen day part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Harrowing friggin day part 2

So Thursday I saw my neuro. I took my walker because I knew I was going to be hurting walking to the hospital and back. It was a good idea because it also meant I got a seat and the T driver of the trolley waited for me. That was really nice of him. The appointment sucked. She had the basics of CRPS but couldn’t really treat the new symptoms I was having so just said to take Neurontin 3 times a day and have the PT I am seeing use the TENS machine on my foot. I don’t think PT will be able to do this because I am seeing them for my right foot not my left. The PT has told me that they cannot work on two limbs at the same time, the insurance just won’t pay for it. So I am not sure what will happen when I see the PT on Tuesday. I walked away cursing and by the time I got home, I was in so much pain, I just wanted to take my meds and go to bed, which I wanted so badly to do but pain stopped me. I had woken up at 5 am and reached the overtired phase. I couldn’t sleep. I think around 330-345 I laid down but pain caused me to sit up again. By this time it was after 5 am so I was up for 24 hours for the first time ever. When I finally fell asleep, I didn’t wake up until after 1 pm. I stayed up for a few hours and tried to go back to sleep before midnight but that didn’t happen.

Friday I was in no mood to do anything. I was still in pain and I was taking a lot of Neurontin to cope (also hoping it would knock me out). I wanted to shower but I knew that if I tried to stand, I would pay. I had taken a shower the day before and before I even left the house, I was in a lot of pain. This didn’t bode well as it was before noon. The weather has been up and down like crazy. There were a few days that were in the 60s and then it went down to 30s on Thursday so I knew that was one reason. It didn’t improve much the last two days as it got really cold but up to the 50s then back down again. I think it went down to 28 degrees last night. It was so cold, I wore a knitted hat, mostly because I just shaved my head and the coldness in my room made me feel cold. I wore a thermal shirt all weekend. I slept most of the day yesterday. I kind of knew I would because it is always the day after that I am super sleepy for being sleep deprived.

Today I woke up at 7 to use the bathroom and then went back to sleep. I took my morning meds and then passed out. I woke up again at noon. I wasn’t really hungry but I definitely wanted coffee. I had a pop tart. My mother was finishing lunch and watching a Hallmark movie with Kelly Martin playing detective. There was a Matthew playing and my mother thought it was McConaughey. I had to look up the series to find the actor because she didn’t believe me that it wasn’t him. He is too big of an actor to play on Hallmark. I remember to seeing Kelly Martin on the 7th Heaven. She was a teen then. She looks so much older on the series so I looked her up and found she was only two months older than I am! Shit! I never knew that. I guess people age differently even if they are born the same year as you.

I wanted to make cookies today but after I had my coffee, I didn’t want to do anything. I woke up with my upper right arm being itchy. I asked my mother if something was there and she said I had a rash. I was nervous as the Lamictal can cause rashes. I took a shower hoping to wash away the irritant. It has so far, stopped itching. I hope no where else itches because I really don’t want to be allergic to this drug. I have been on it for 5 weeks now. Today will be the start of the 6th, which reminds me I need to do my med boxes. I want to clean the blades of my ceiling fan as they are full of dust. But I need to find the duster and the cloth thing that goes with it. I know the vicinity where they are. I just am too lazy to get up and do it. The shower wiped me out. Maybe I will do it later. I just want to read my book today. I am getting behind in my reading as I didn’t read for three days. I wanted to read while riding to my neuro appointment but I just ended up listening to music. I also found that some music was missing again. GGRRRR I had to uninstall/reinstall the Amazon app. I decided to move the music to a different folder so if I have to do it again, I won’t lose the music again, hopefully. I don’t know why the music file is different than it was. It has a bunch of letters and then the artist/album/song.mp3. Maybe that is so people won’t distribute the music? I don’t know. I have transferred the files to different media (like my SD card and other phones) and the tracks still work. Nix the dusting. Ankle just started hurting, the fucker.

I sort of joined this writing community on Twitter. I followed a bunch of authors and have been picking up some info about writing and the publishing. One person I just followed is also an editor willing to edit your book. I thought that was neat. I asked how much she charges, like per word or word count. She was vague and just said word count. I am not sure I trust someone that is vague. I don’t have anything in progress. I want to start on this story that I started last year but never went back to. I still am not sure if it is worth writing or not. I honestly don’t know if I will just write it just to get it out of my head and then have no one see it or what. I really don’t know if I can publish it because I might be infringing copyrights and stuff. That is the one setback in why I haven’t written. I would hate to write all this stuff and get emotional just for it to sit on my hard drive or other media because of this. But then, I can write it and just be done with it. If it gets published one day, fine. If not, then so be it. I really need to find out about it and I should ask someone who has written with these characters before. I just don’t know if he will talk to me or not.

payback from energy burst

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Payback from energy burst

Last night I was wired. The energy I felt continued and I stayed up till about 3 watching videos of news reports. I usually don’t but want to keep up with Cheeto’s investigation. I am now paying for it because, while I was energized, I broke down some boxes that I had around my room. I had no where to put them so just kept them on the floor. I just brought them downstairs, which was tricky because my mother had my washed clothes on the fucking stairs, thus creating a damn tripping hazard for me. I fucking hate when she puts shit on the stairs, especially the last few steps.

The weather shot up to over 60 degrees today so I got a migraine when I woke up. I had a slight headache and when I went downstairs to make a cup of coffee, I started to get nauseous. I took my meds right away as I knew if I waited, the longer the headache and nausea was going to last. And I really didn’t want to puke up my coffee.

I haven’t done much today. I chatted with a friend for a bit. I wanted to make breakfast burritos but my damn heel is hurting and is causing my ankle to hurt as it compensates for the pain. My TG doc’s secretary called me and I see my new pcp in two weeks. I canceled the appointment with the chickenshit one. Hopefully he will take over prescribing my pain meds otherwise, I am going to be screwed. I will need a refill by then. My TG doc hasn’t gotten back to me about changing dose and I am to have the shot tomorrow so I guess it will stay the same. We didn’t talk about what she will increase it by so I rather stay the same until she tells me otherwise.

I wanted to write something last night, anything, to calm the nervous energy I was feeling. I had a flare but I think the energy was masking the pain. My legs were really sore today, too. I just didn’t know what to write. Nothing was coming to my brain about a story or anything and now that I can think straight, I realized I could have written the story I had outlined that has been circling about the last three or so years. I have no idea where the notebook is for the page I wrote when trying to start. It was difficult as I felt like I was reliving the story. I really didn’t get too far as I just wrote a little and then had to stop because I was overwhelmed. I have no idea if I will be able to do this. Even writing the outline took me back to what things were back then. I know this sounds weird but I can’t say more than that.

I wanted to shower today. But my feet hurt and I know if I tried, I would pay so I didn’t. I wanted to shave my head at least but I still have nicks on my head and a scratch on my forehead from when I sort of lost control of the razor while going around my ear. It was messy. I still have a small chunk of my ear missing. Ugh. Tempted to let it be and then see the barber in three weeks. I still need to make him his favorite dish but I haven’t been able to get the ingredients as I haven’t been to the store. I might go tomorrow if I am feeling somewhat normal. I will just grab the grocery store meat rather than the butcher as I don’t want to be going all over the place. It will wear me out and then I won’t do shit. I still want to make my cookies so we’ll see what gets made if I am feeling up to it. I think my mother wants me to go to the bank as her bank book was where I usually grab it when I go out. But there was no way in hell I was going out in the sun with a damn migraine. The bright light might have triggered it when I opened my bedroom door. I am so photosensitive it isn’t funny. One of the many reasons I hate going to the eye doctors.

Because of the Amazon app uninstall/reinstall bullshit, I now have a shit ton of duplicate songs on my storage media. I now know where the files are kept thanks to the music app that I thought was messing up the files/music to begin with. But now I got to go through each artist’s folder and see which is duplicate and which is not. I have like 3 cry pretty files and not sure which one to delete because I have or at least had, all my music in one particular folder on my external card. UGH I am so annoyed and it is going to take a lot of fucking time to get this right and not delete something accidently because I don’t know if I can get it back. I was able to at least get rid of duplicates for one album so I am happy about that. I wish there was a way to see in the app where the file is and then delete it but it involves going back and forth, which is a pain in the ass. I really blame that stupid customer service person for not telling me it was going to fuck up my music folder if I did what she asked. And all Amazon was able to do was say, oops sorry. Shitheads.