Tag: coffee

It’s late again and I can’t fucking sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s late again and I can’t fucking sleep

My foot/ankle has been non-stop throbbing me for the last several hours. And now that I want to sleep, it’s saying “fuck you, too bad”. I have tried taking all the pills I can take, including the strong pain pill but still the throbbing has not gone away.

The voices have crept in. They want me to take a bottle of pills and it doesn’t matter which one I choose. I should page my psychiatrist but I don’t want to go to the ER. Besides, I think the meds are starting to take effect as I feel drowsy all of a sudden, even though the throbbing hasn’t decreased at all.

I was talking with a friend of mine who recommended my book to someone. She told me that there are sellers selling my book for $86! What??!! I immediately wrote an email to my publisher because it looks like they stole my book with a false ASIN number. I hope they respond soon and nobody buys this book at that outrageous price. I am selling my book for $15, legitimately.

I am so tired and wish I could just fall asleep. I’m tempted to take a 3rd Ativan but I have already taken enough medication tonight. I don’t want to go overboard because I need to be driving tomorrow, well, really today. I hate being up this late. It never bodes well.

I need to get some forks tomorrow. I am giving my therapist some cake and I don’t have any disposable forks at home so I need to get some. I would hate to give her the cake without anything to eat it with. Maybe I can get a fork from Starbucks when I get my espresso. I am glad I don’t have an espresso machine at home because I really would never leave the house. I can have my coffee and espresso whenever I wanted it. I would just have to buy the soy milk and I would be set. I do need to get more Pike coffee as I am down to a little bit. I don’t think I have enough for another cup of coffee. I have the house blend coffee but I don’t like it as much as the Pike.

I finished off the last piece of cake that I had made over the weekend. It was very good. Now I am looking forward to making another cake. I love having cake. It’s my favorite dessert. But I am out of cool whip.

Loss of Sleep so I Slept All Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Loss of Sleep so I slept all day

I didn’t go to sleep last night around 4ish. I had the writing itch and was writing a story that I need to type up as it was written by hand. I then woke up about 5 hours later to call my neurologist for an appointment. I was able to see her this Thursday. I then went back to sleep until around the time of my therapy appointment.

My therapist and I really didn’t talk much about anything important. She skimmed over my suicidality and we ended up talking about other stuff. She wanted to know more about the musical “hallucinations” and I told her that my psych thought they were migraine activity, which is why I need to see the neurologist. She thought that was interesting. I didn’t feel we made any progress in what I was feeling and I was too tired to get into anything important so I just let things go. She didn’t read my blog that I sent her, but she is making headway into the letters I gave her the last time I saw her in person.

For some odd reason she grilled me about taking the trilafon and whether I had enough. I had to tell her multiple times that I was taking it and that I had an adequate supply. It was very annoying and it pissed me off some.

After therapy, I just went back to bed. I was really tired and slept. I still am tired and in pain. My ankle is just hurting for some reason. The humidity is up so I think that is why. Tomorrow is supposed to be in the 90s. I am not looking forward to that. I hate the heat.

Starbucks has a new kind of mocha called Chili Mocha. I am not one for trying things spicy in my drinks. Food is okay but I don’t like drinking it. I will just have the regular mocha. I want to go to Starbucks tomorrow and type up what I wrote last night. It’s probably around 300 words, I would be shocked if it is more than that. I kind of left off in the middle of writing because I got very sleepy and it was close to 330 in the morning. I had to get some sleep.

Saturday Blog 60

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 60

My mother and I were invited to a party at my cousin’s house but it got canceled due to “rain”. I wasn’t planning on going so I would have the house to myself. I got up around 1400 and my mother was home. I asked her why and she said it was because of “rain”. I looked outside and it was clear as day out. Whatever. I asked if she wanted coffee as I was going to make some and she said yes. After I made the coffees, I went back up to my room where it was cooler. I had a pop tart but really wanted to make a hot dog. I might make one later when I am watching the game. I also want tater tots so I might make them as well.

After I drank my coffee, I again felt sleepy so I laid down. I didn’t fall asleep. I started thinking about my father and the day my sister finally realized he was dying. She got wicked upset with me that day and it was the last time I cried for him. As I was thinking about this, I thought I was going to start crying but I held back. I couldn’t let the tears flow. The voices have been awful today and I felt they would make fun of me if I started crying. I just took my dose of trilafon and I think I am going to have to email my psychiatrist. I don’t have enough to get me through till Friday when I see her again, not at taking two a day anyways. I have been rationing it but it hasn’t been working out. The voices are just too demanding lately and I need 8 mg a day. 4 is just not carrying me through.

My ex-favorite pitcher, Jon Pabelbon, got released from his team today. He is now an official dickhead. Most of Red Sox Nation want to see him back but he has done poorly all season, hence why he has been released. He wasn’t happy where he was but said that he would like to come back to Boston. Personally, I don’t want him back. I don’t think it will be good for the team.

I am glad the game is on at 1900 tonight rather than it being a day game. It gives me something to do during the evening hours, even though my sleep is affected, usually. Depending on a win or loss, I tend to get emotional and it takes me a while to calm down enough to sleep, even if I take my meds. Then I usually get overtired and that leads to me staying up later. I am just glad the team is at home and not playing late like they were last week.

I wrote a letter to my therapist in a notebook from 3 years ago. I have a few blogs in there that I think I typed up but I don’t remember. I would have to look at my archives to see if I did or not. In between there are some journal entries mixed with at least one or two letters. My writing just went on and on. I told my therapist in the letter I wrote last night it was up to her if she wanted to read the pages or not. I thought about tearing out the pages but there were more than at least 10 pages and it would wreck the composition book. It isn’t a spiral notebook where it would be easy to tear out the pages.

My night out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My night out

I went out with friends tonight for dinner. We had a good time though the train coming home was late and we were afraid we missed it. It was so filling. I ate way too much, even though I probably shouldn’t have had dessert. That just about killed me. And my friend who doesn’t like to waste food, finished off the desserts for us. It was too funny.

On the train ride home, a drunk got on two stops before I had to get off. He feel asleep soon as the train was moving. I was afraid he was going to topple over on me so I got up to move. He smelled so bad of liquor. I think he got off at my stop but I have no idea where he went. Thankfully he didn’t get on the bus that I went on to go home.

My mother is okay. I was worried something might happen while I was away but it didn’t. It’s the first time leaving her alone at night since her hypoglycemic episode the beginning of the month. It was good to get out with friends but I also was worried about my mother. I thought about calling her but I didn’t want to bother her. I figure my sister would give her the run down anyways.

It was so hot in the house when I came home. I didn’t leave the AC running because I wasn’t home and my mother would flip but I left the fan running to keep my room as cool as possible. It didn’t work out that way. I had turned off the AC during the night because I had a wicked bad sneeze attack before bed last night. The room was hot so I turned the AC on for a few hours before I had to shut it off again before leaving. The room was cool but not cold like it was when I left it. It was stuffy when I came home. Yuck. Now it’s nice and cool but it’s taken almost an hour to cool it off. I will be keeping the AC running all night, like I usually do in the hot weather. I can’t stand the heat. It just makes me crazy.

I have therapy tomorrow and Wednesday. I am not planning on going out the rest of the week. Only thing I will go out for is cream, which I am running low on. I don’t think it will make it till next week. I am also running low on coffee. I am so sad my Brazil coffee if coming to the end of the bag. They have a new kind of Brazil coffee at Starbucks that I have been meaning to try. I will next week when I can replenish funds. If I don’t like it, I will just get Pike’s coffee and Breakfast Blend. Both are mild coffees but different tastes, though Pike can be a little strong. I haven’t quite figured out how to scoop it so it’s perfect. One of these days.