Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

flipping tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Flipping tired

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up around 5 and decided to make pancakes. They came out really good. I then fell back to sleep. When I woke up, I moved my ankle the wrong way and it caused intense pain. I had to take a strong pain pill, which made me dopey. I fell back to sleep for a couple of hours and then I was up. I wasn’t feeling good but I wanted to venture out. I caught the next bus to the Square to have my espresso.

As I was full of pancakes, I just had a snack at Starbucks with my espresso. I wrote in my journal and then I started to get dizzy. I couldn’t remember if I had taken my regular pain meds and I took them at Starbucks as I think I was going through withdrawal. Within a half hour I was feeling better but really tired. I got my coffee for home and then went to CVS to get some overpriced cereal. I then waited for the bus and came home.

It took me a little while to settle down but I finally was able to nap before dinner. My mother wanted me to make spinach but I never did. I rested and did sleep a little before my mother called me to say dinner was ready. I’m still feeling tired and feel like I can nap again but it’s getting late and if I do, I might not sleep tonight, which would be bad. Last night I took my meds early so I could sleep and tonight I think I am going to do the same. I have found that if I take my meds early, I am usually asleep before midnight.

The therapist that I called yesterday has not called me back. I don’t think he is going to. If I don’t hear from him by tomorrow morning, I will move to the next name on my list. I mostly picked males from the website for therapists because I want to try something different. Most of the therapist that I have seen have been female. I only had one male. We’ll see how this goes. I might have to see a female, if I can’t find a male. Right now I am just getting frustrated because no one is calling me back.

Ankle is really hurting so I might have to take the strong pain pill again, which means my sleep will be fucked up again. I don’t know why it messes with my sleep. Pain meds usually make you sleepy so I don’t understand why this med causes you to have sleep interruptions. It is so frustrating. I seriously just want to die rather than deal with this bullshit. I am so sick of being in pain every single day, at all hours, whenever it feels like flaring up. I can be active or non active and I will still hurt. It makes no sense whatsoever. And the type of pain I feel varies. It’s never the same in the different parts of my ankle, foot, and toes. I was trying to describe it to my psychiatrist as she was interested and I had to tell her it was sometimes physical pain, sometimes nerve pain, sometimes I just hurt and can’t describe it beyond that. Depending on the type of pain determines what kind of medication I take to relieve it. Unfortunately, it takes time for the medication to work, which further frustrates me because I want relief now. That is why sometimes I become so suicidal in those moments because I have to wait for the pills to work and I just don’t want to wait.

in search of pancakes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In search of pancakes

I woke up at 0300 wanting pancakes. As I walked down to the kitchen, I wasn’t feeling up to it. I made a bowl of cereal instead. I was still under the influence of pain meds and neurontin. After I had my cereal, I went back to bed. I slept until 7, then 9, and I finally got up around 11. I had a headache and felt hungover. I needed coffee. I thought about going to Starbucks but I couldn’t see myself getting dressed and going out. I wasn’t feeling that great.

I made coffee and still wanted pancakes. I never made them. I figure I could talk to my mother about making them for supper. But then I saw chicken on the counter so I knew pancakes were not going to be made. I took my coffee up to my room and then played on my laptop, reading Facebook and Twitter. I wanted to take a nap but dinner will be done soon.

My pain came back when I came back to my room. It was nice to have at least two hours being pain free. It’s not horrible pain. Just enough to tell me I have an ankle and foot. I had emailed my psychiatrist as I got wicked upset last night. The pain was out of control and I decided to double my dose of the strong pain pill to get relief. I didn’t care that it was going to interfere with my sleep. I just wanted relief. And it did interfere with my sleep as I was up every two fricken hours.

I called one of the three therapists today. I couldn’t call all three as I just wasn’t up for it. My former therapist texted me back about the billing issue. She said there was some paperwork that I needed to fill out. I told her I never got the paperwork so she is going to mail it to me. I don’t understand why I have to fill out this paperwork as when I first got Medicare they were processing her claims okay. I don’t know what happened after that as I never got another statement from Medicare about the claims they were billing. I didn’t think much about it until now. I just know I am not paying her anything until this gets straightened out.

I am really exhausted and I haven’t done anything today except make coffee. I haven’t eaten anything. I just plan on stuffing myself with chicken cutlets for my one meal today. I am kind of sad I never went to Starbucks because I just lost my stars reward. I am sure there will be other chances to get rewards. Tomorrow I think I am going to get a roast beef sandwich at Kelly’s or maybe a cheeseburger at Five Guys. I will decide when I get there which restaurant to go to. Course it all depends on my pain level because it’s a walk to get there. The weather is supposed to be warmer than today so we’ll see. I haven’t had Five Guys in a long time. I used to go there all the time when I had a car. I miss having a car, sometimes. I don’t miss driving in traffic that is for sure! I still have my Zipcar account but haven’t really used it at all in the last few months. I should reserve a car for a couple of hours just to drive around town and shop or something. I need to get Sox PJs as the ones I have are wearing thin. I can’t find them online. I need to go to Target or Walmart to get them. I miss shopping but it tires me out. Much easier to shop online.

Hope tomorrow I am up for making pancakes. I am so craving them.

this is the pain that never ends…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

This is the pain that never ends…

I have been in pain all damn day. My tolerance for it is slowly diminishing. I haven’t been too active today but it doesn’t care. I did manage to take a shower, which my back didn’t like. It kept on cramping on me. I am ready to call UNCLE and take my strong pain pill. I take my meds in about 45 mins so I will decide then whether or not to take it. I just came up the stairs so my foot/ankle are angry with me.

I got the tail end of BPD chat on twitter. I met another transgender person so I followed him and he followed me back. He is also a writer, which is cool. I hope we can become friends. It would be nice to have another TG person to talk to about the issues we face.

I read a little more than a chapter in the Robert Lowell book. He has an interesting history dating back to the Mayflower. I love reading about people that have such detailed ancestors dating way back. I don’t know much about my lineage. And unfortunately, with my father gone, there is no way of knowing. I know I can go to like Ancestry.com but it’s not the same when it’s handed down from generation to generation. There are a lot of cousins in Italy and France that I know of but they don’t know me and I don’t know them. It’s kind of sad. I don’t speak either language so that makes it harder to keep the lines of communication open.

I have been tired for most of the day. I have so far avoided taking a nap. It will be bed time soon so I can go to sleep then. I hope I can sleep. Pain is usually the number one reason to keep me up more than my thoughts. And the way my ankle and toes are feeling right now, I doubt I will be able to sleep. It’s a gnawing type of pain that goes right into my bones. And I just realized I haven’t done my med box for the week. SHIT! I totally forgot. I guess I will take them on the fly tonight and then fill it tomorrow. I can’t stand too long to fill the box. My ankle will kill me the way it’s hurting right now.

Other than calling three therapists tomorrow, I have no other plans. It’s supposed to be warmer so I might go to Starbucks to write. I have to get a frappucino to complete my stars reward. Tomorrow is the last day as I forgot to get one on Friday. I like the rewards because you get to get free stuff faster. I also need to get some coffee for the house. I got half a bag or less of Pike so need to get it before I run out. I love Pike coffee. I used to get their breakfast blend coffee but I think I am just going to stick with Pike as I am so used to it. When I don’t have it, I can tell right away that it’s different. I hope the spring brings in new flavors of their Reserve coffees. I haven’t seen one that I like yet. I got an email from Starbucks the other day that had notes of apricot. No thanks! I like apricot as a fruit, not in my coffee.

Sunday Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Musings

I surprisingly got more than six hours of sleep last night. I don’t remember what time I went to sleep but I know it was before midnight and I woke up around 9. I would have slept more but my bladder said no. I made coffee and breakfast and when I got back to my room, my foot was hurting. I didn’t take anything because it was just a mild annoyance. I drank my coffee, which isn’t the kind I like. I wanted to use up the bag because I don’t like it as much as I like Pike and my Casi Ceilo. I will toss the bag when I go down for lunch as I don’t think there is enough for another cup of coffee.

After I finished my coffee, I couldn’t decide to read or not. I was having a conversation with my voices. Then I just started to stare off into space. This is the second day of me doing this. It has me kind of worried because I did it a lot last year before and after my father’s death. I don’t know if it is just a preoccupation glance or what. But it’s troubling me. I might send an email to my psychiatrist asking if this is “normal”. I thought about paging her but it’s not an urgent thing.

Last night, I decided to look for therapists in my area. I found three, two social workers and a psychologist. I will call them tomorrow. If I have to lie about my suicidality, I will. I just don’t want to be denied, again, because of my suicidal tendencies. All of these therapists are in Harvard Square, which makes it convenient for me to get to them. My psychiatrist is also looking for a therapist for me but I have a feeling she is going to find someone that is not convenient for me to go to. If I had a car, it would be a different story. Even though I have access to a Zipcar, I don’t want to be dishing out money every week just for therapy, in addition to my copay. I hope one of the three therapists pans out.

In a few days, my anniversary of my journey into the mental health field is coming up. Last year I had a horrible time with flashbacks of the events that lead me to seeing a therapist. I hope that doesn’t happen this year, especially as I am not seeing anyone but my psych. I love my psych but she doesn’t really do therapy with me and I will just get frustrated with talking about flashbacks and not having any ways to cope with them. It’s really difficult dealing with PTSD because you can get flashbacks with the slightest mention of things that happened. Anniversary dates are really hard to deal with.

I don’t really have plans for the day. I wanted to go to Walgreens but I forgot what I wanted to buy so I won’t be going. It’s freezing and windy out anyways so I really don’t want to go out if I don’t have to. I do plan on reading my book. I never opened it last night to finish the chapter I was on. I am going to read after I have lunch, which will be the leftover Chinese food. I ordered from a new place and it was really good, though I didn’t get as much General Gao chicken as I get from other places. It was spicy too, which was nice. The other places were mild. I am definitely going to order from them again.