Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Saturday Blog 76

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 76

I’ve been having a rough day. It’s very cold out and my ankle is going berserk. I was fine when I got up but a few up and downs the stairs made my ankle hurt and I haven’t been able to get the pain under control. The pain is not too severe, but it is annoying.

I made breakfast this morning and coffee. Then I decided to read. I don’t know what happened but after I finished my coffee, I fell asleep while reading. It was odd because I have never had that happen to me before. Usually I will feel sleepy and then stop reading, put the book away, shut the light and go lie down. Not this time. I was asleep sitting up when I came to. Funny but kind of scary. Guess all the meds I took last night to quite my pain weren’t all out of my system. I am still tired but haven’t been able to nap.

I ordered Chinese food for supper. When I went to pick it up downstairs, I noticed the mail came and my new glasses were delivered. I am trying to get used to them. The prescription has changed so I need to get used to them. I will wear them for a few hours and then stop wearing them for a little while. Maybe I will nap.

I haven’t gone back to my reading. I am in the middle of a chapter so I need to finish. I am so tired though. I took my meds early last night and I still didn’t fall asleep till after midnight. Damn pain kept me up. I hope to do some reading before bed to finish that chapter. I am reading Kay Redfield Jamison’s new book about Robert Lowell. It’s pretty interesting so far. It’s a thick book so it’s going to take me some time to get through it.

I just got what I thought would be the last statement from my therapist. I opened it to see how much I owe so I can pay it off. I was fucking shocked to find that it’s over $15,000!! I looked over the statement and it doesn’t look like they have been charging my insurance AT ALL! So I have been billed her regular charge of $125 per session. I am pissed and won’t send her another dime until it gets straightened out. I sent her a text so hopefully she calls her billing and fixes this error.

Our heating system is messed up. One of the radiators isn’t working so my brother in law turn the heat all the way up to see if he could get it on. My room is a sauna right now. I have the fan turned on high to cool off. They have lowered the heat but it’s still hot in my room. Going to take a while for it to cool down. It’s wicked cold out and I wish I could open my window to let some of the cold air in. I hate being hot!

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

I went to my workshop today. I got there okay and I forgot there was a Barnes and Noble on the street, which was tempting to spend my last few dollars after the workshop but I resisted and didn’t step foot in the door. That took great will power because I love bookstores. I got there an hour early so I had time to have my espresso and write in my journal without being rushed.

The class was pretty boring. It wasn’t engaging to keep my head in the game, so to speak and they emphasized using Twitter more, which I already use. They wanted just 5-10 tweets per day. I know I post most than that, including retweets. But they are not just book related. I can’t remember the last time I posted a link to my book. They also wanted to utilize Facebook groups to get the word out there. That I can see myself doing though it will take some doing. I did get some pointers as to getting on mental illness sites and organizations to help promote my book. That is probably the only thing I got out of the workshop. I brought up my blog and they encouraged making a page so I will work on that sometime this weekend. WordPress doesn’t “publish” so I might make it a blog and then post it as a page. BE ON THE LOOK OUT! I just don’t know what to say on the page yet. I wish I remembered what I write but I don’t. I also wish there was some traffic on my blogs that there are chapters in my book. That would be easier to put the link to my book and maybe get some sales.

They did say that the market is always changing and book selling is hard, especially for self-publishers like myself. I already knew that from my first book as it was hard just trying to get reviewers for my book. I think I gave away more books and got zero reviews. I don’t think I am going to take another course at this place. I just don’t feel it is helpful and this is my third time going to the place.

After the course, it took me a while to get to a train station that I could easily go home from. I walked really far from the place and my ankle was not appreciative of the journey. I got my exercise for the day, that is for sure. I did pass a McDonalds on my way to the T and was tempted to get a big Mac but I really didn’t want to stop as I knew it would be hard to get moving again. I got on the train and there was a person with schizophrenia on the train as he kept on saying the evil spirits took his money and his socks. He was really loud and scary. No one was paying attention to him, though I think a lady did engage him to try and calm him down, but it didn’t work. That just agitated him more. I felt really bad for him.

I had a message when I checked my phone after the course from the lady I met the other day about the chronic pain group. I returned the call when I got home and she told me I would be accepted in the group on the condition I have a therapist for at least three months. I got annoyed. It might take me three months just to find a fucking therapist. I didn’t say anything and just blew her off, thinking it was a lost cause. I then called my psychiatrist because she wanted me to touch base with her. We talked and she is looking for a therapist for me. She also wanted to know more about my pain so we talked about that. She also said that my PCP is a nice guy but doesn’t know me so is not sure how to take my pain needs. She tried conveying how I was as she has known me for so long. She said he might see me more but I haven’t heard from the office and I don’t see him for three months. So we’ll see if the guy will change his mind about being on a longer acting pain med. The rate I am going with my strong pain pill is not getting better. I am using it more because the regular pain meds are not as effective anymore. I have to pick and choose what I think will work best now.

It was good talking to my psych. I honestly think I would be up the creek without a paddle if I didn’t have her. We didn’t talk about my suicidality and I didn’t bring up my plan and how it’s ready to go during my next flare up. I took a strong pain med when I came home because I knew that is what I needed. I am feeling the effects of it and am wicked tired from all the walking I did. I am feeling discouraged about the chronic pain group. I think that would have been a helpful thing for me to be a part of and also give me the support I need about my pain. I know I post to social media about my pain but when it’s late at night, I don’t usually get a response. I know that is because most people are sleeping, like “normal” people will be doing.

It was really cold today. I don’t think it got above 30 degrees as the wind was horrible. My feet are cold now despite being under the blankets. Going to have to put on thermal socks on soon. I am so glad I bought them. Best purchase I ever made. They work better than regular socks and are so warm.

Rest Day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rest Day

I spent the day resting my ankle and foot. I wanted to sleep but never did. I just had dinner and now my ankle is acting up. I never can win. But I needed a day to do nothing as tomorrow is going to be a little stressful. I have a course I am taking on how to promote your book. It’s in a part of Boston that I don’t go to regularly but the T station I have to get off at is old and doesn’t have elevators. I have to go up the stairs and that part is stressing me out more than walking to the building where the course is held. Least there is a Starbucks at the corner of the street so I can get my fix before the class starts.

I didn’t make coffee today. I had wanted to but I never got around to it. It’s too late now to make it. I will be up most of the night and I got to get up early tomorrow as the class meets mid-morning. I need to take a shower tonight so this pain that I am feeling now better skedaddle. Pain isn’t too severe but I can’t take any more of my regular pain meds until later tonight.

rough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough day

I had another night of bad sleep. This wasn’t because of pain meds, it was mostly due to pain. I caught the earlier bus as I woke up just in time for it. I figure it would give me time to relax and have some writing time. I then left for my appointment, which turned out to be a disappointment.

I met with an intake coordinator for this chronic pain group my psychiatrist thinks will be good for me. I think it will be good for me, too. Unfortunately, the intake coordinator doesn’t, only because of my suicidality. So once again my thoughts of suicide are hindering my mental health. She needs to talk to my psychiatrist and the group leaders. She said that it is a “slow” process and she will get back to me when all is said and done. Fucking great. I have a feeling this group is out because there is only “light” conversations. You can’t sit there and tell me that other people with chronic pain have never thought of ending their lives. Fuck. I am so aggravated. If I processed things quickly, I would have told her thanks but no thanks. Maybe I will call and leave her a message so she doesn’t have to call anyone or speak to anyone.

So this has put me into a funk. I am sure I will get over it. She is not the first mental health professional to tell me my suicidality is high risk and a “dangerous” topic. I have been turned down by multitudes of therapists because of my high risk. Why should a group be any different. She also said it would be good if I had a therapist. No fucking shit. I am working on that but it’s not so fucking easy.

After the appointment, I went to the square and got a burrito for dinner. I wanted to order Thai food but I didn’t feel like waiting. I wanted to get home because my ankle was starting to bother me. It’s worse now. Which is depressing the fuck out of me. I emailed my psychiatrist and gave her the run down of this blog. I told her I wasn’t hopeful of being admitted to the group. I jokingly said that I must be the only chronic pain person to think of killing themselves. I know this is not true because I have been on chronic pain groups on Facebook and they are really sad the amount of people that want to end their life because of their pain.

My psych was going to talk to my PCP today about my pain. She said she will get back to me if something fruitful arises from the conversation. I am not hopeful about that either. My PCP is stuck on it being a “mental” issue at this point, meaning that I just need to learn to live with the pain. I would be able to, if the pain wasn’t so excruciating at times! It’s not every day I face unbearable pain. I would have attempted suicide by now if that were the case. But when I tell him I am in a bad mood because the pain is out of fucking control, I think that needs to be taken seriously and adjustments need to be made. No amount of mindfulness is going to bring down excruciating physical pain.