Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

A Shitty Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A Shitty Saturday

It’s another dreary, cold day, despite the sun being out. It could just be that I don’t feel well and my ankle hasn’t stopped hurting me since I woke up this morning. I had a good dream that I woke up from, weird but good.

I planned on making Shepard’s pie today but my mother is making pork chops so I will make it for tomorrow. Besides, I am not really up to being on my feet. Just making coffee killed me. I had two pieces of my cranberry cake for breakfast and that has been all I have had to eat today, so far.

My cold is quickly moving towards my lungs as my cough is getting worse. I hate being sick. My Buckeyes are losing right now so I am in a mood. This game will determine whether they will go to a championship game so they really need to win.

I got an alumni high school hoodie I have been meaning to buy but was waiting for it to be on sale. Then I found out this morning one of my high school teachers passed away last night. I feel really sad about this. She was a good teacher, always had energy that rubbed off on you. My thoughts and prayers go out to her family.

I also bought a couple of SE Hinton books and a DVD. Next I need to buy Christmas gifts and I will be all set. I just plan on getting gift cards for my family. I will get them tomorrow when I go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. If I didn’t feel so shitty, I‘d go today. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

I don’t get why my damn ankle/foot is hurting when I rested for at least nine hours straight. It doesn’t make any sense. Any slight movement I make today bothers it. I am so sick of this gnawing pain. I just want it to go away and stay away. It just feels so hopeless because I know it won’t. There is nothing I can do about it anymore. What used to work doesn’t. It’s really depressing. I am sure having a cold isn’t helping it, other than keeping me off my feet. But even that hasn’t worked. If I lie down, it flares up worse than sitting. All I can do it take pain pill after pain pill. I am so tired of fighting this bullshit. I just want to fucking die. Why is that so difficult? I mean, it was never easy to begin with, but dammit. People die all the fucking time, why can’t I be one of them?

Painsomnia Begins

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia begins

I haven’t tried going to sleep yet but my ankle is already flaring up so I doubt I will sleep in the next few hours anyway. My groceries came. They didn’t have all my powerade that I ordered. That was fine. I have enough to carry me through till the next month. It’s not summer anymore so I shouldn’t be going through it like I was. I finagled the fridge to accommodate the juice and my mother finagled the freezer to fit my tater tots. I had to make a few trips up and down the stairs because the guy forgot to deliver the water and for some reason, wouldn’t shut the doors. That part annoys me because the least they can do is shut them on their way out.

This cold is really kicking my ass, so you would think that I would be sleeping. I had to use some Flonase to keep my nasal passages open and to possibly help the running nose. I also took some Vitamin D to help my immunity with this respiratory virus. I really don’t want it in my lungs. Bronchitis sucks when you have a bad back.

My sister made a turkey soup with the left over turkey meat. It was really good. It was the only sustenance I have had all day, other than pudding pie. Tomorrow, I am going to work on the custard pie and eat my cranberry cake with coffee. Who needs real food with all these yummy desserts? I forgot to delete the cranberries from my grocery list so now I need a recipe for muffins or cake or something to do with them. I love my Nantucket cake but there is only so much love and I am the only one that eats it so I need to find something else to do with the cranberries. I put the bag in the freezer for now. I still have half a bag left from the cake I made. Too much cranberries.

I’ve had a mild headache for most of the day. I took some ibuprofen to quiet it down but it’s still there. I hope it’s not a prelude to a fever coming on. I really hate being sick with a virus that I just have to wait till it passes its course. It’s just so annoying because there is nothing to ease it really.

The pain in my foot and ankle is just gnawing at me. My defenses are down because of this cold and this pain is just pushing me to the limit of my patience. Not what I need when I am in a suicidal state of mind. This week is going to be hard. It will be the only week that I have to really end my life before the holidays. I will feel like a wimp if I don’t try. I am tired of fighting this battle day in and day out. It’s more than just fatigue and exhaustion. It’s downright depletion of everything that I have in me. Just a few more days to try my experiment and see if I can leave this world.

Painsomnia continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia continues

The three bones in my foot are throbbing up a storm right now. I just took some more pain meds to try and ease it. I might have to take a strong pain pill but we’ll see. Because of pain and the possibility I am getting a cold, I can’t sleep. My throat hurts and my nose is stuffy, two things I hate more than anything but it’s more tolerable than coughing my brains out. I took some extra vitamin D to boost my immunity. I hope it works.

As I was waiting for my night meds to knock me out, I decided to read for a little bit. I read two chapters. Then it got really hot in my room so I went downstairs to see if my mother turned down the heat before going to bed. I had turned it up because it got really cold in my room. My heating system knows only two settings, freezing cold or blazing hot. My mother had turned it down before going to bed but I turned it down a little more. I think it’s going to be like this throughout the winter, which sucks. I am just glad I have a ceiling fan. I would have turned on the fan but with me getting possibly sick, I didn’t want to.

I had emailed my psychiatrist a blog and in the email, I asked if it was okay for me to page her on Friday. I haven’t heard back but I am going to page her tomorrow anyways. I was going to send her a blog but I really want to talk to her. I feel like I should at least voice my concerns I have about taking a bottle of pills. It’s getting more and more likely that I will act on it and I don’t know what to do about it. I found out that likelihood of it killing me is not really going to happen. I need a LOT more pills than what I have and it would take me months to accumulate that many pills. But it might do some damage to me or at least put me in a coma for a while.

I’m going to try and go to sleep again. My throat is on fire so I am not sure how successful I will be. It stinks being physically sick when you are already in pain. I am just so damn worn down, I am surprised it took this long for me to catch something. What ever it is, I hope it goes quickly.

Thanksgiving 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Thanksgiving 2016

I was having a nearly pain-free day until my mother needed a pan that was on the top shelf. While reaching for it and then climbing down off the chair, my ankle gave way and I have been in pain since. We had a relatively good dinner and were stuff at the first helpings. The turkey was fantastic as usual, though my sister complained that it was dry. I didn’t think so. As I had to take a pain pill before we ate, I couldn’t have any alcoholic beverages, which sucked. I would have loved the wine my sister brought up.

We brought out a table full of desserts after we ate. No one was in the mood for any, though I managed to have my Nantucket cranberry cake I made. It came out good. A couple people had coffee but I didn’t because it smelled terrible. It wasn’t Starbucks coffee. I already had it any way. I ate way too much and am glad I am in my PJs.

While we were sitting digesting our food, my loud mouth cousin came over. I can’t stand her because she always wants to be the center of attention. When she really started to get loud, I left to go upstairs to my room. It didn’t help the noise levels but at least it was a little quieter. I needed to put my ankle up anyways and take another pain pill. She just left and I am thankful for that. Maybe I can get a nap in.

I honestly don’t know what I did to my ankle when I was on the chair getting that stupid pan. I think I might have turn on it or something. Whatever I did, holy cow, does it hurt. It’s my normal pain so I don’t think I did something new to it. I probably just put pressure on it that it didn’t like. I’m getting sleepy so I think I am going to take that nap my head so desperately wants.