Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

In a Shitty Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a Shitty mood

I’m in a shitty mood right now. Pain has come back with a vengeance and have been trying to come up with a way to take my night meds without hurting myself more. If I stand on my foot, the pain is temporarily stopped but soon as I get off, it returns worse than before. I took some pain meds fifteen minutes ago so I am hoping the pain will ease some and then I can stand up and take my meds. I should have taken them when I came back from the bathroom but thought it was too early. Then my medication app went off and I started cursing. This pain has gone on for about a week now. It is dragging me down into a well and I know soon I will be thinking about ending my life if it continues. Either that or ways of chopping my foot off. Just cut the part that hurts away and I will be better. Least that is my theory, though I know it won’t be true. My nerves will have a field day and a half should I attempt it. So cutting off the affected limb is out.

It’s really stressful to be in pain every day. Yesterday I got notification that I will receive my disability payments until I am 65. I found that it was depressing. It means I can no longer join the work force. That I am truly disabled and I don’t like being disabled. I thought I made peace with this idea of not being able to work but was hopeful that once the LTD stopped, I could face the possibility of finding a part time job. Now that doesn’t seem likely. I can’t go to college and I can’t work. What the hell am I going to do 24/7? Sure I will sleep for at least 6 hours so that will leave what, 18 hours to do something? I can write but it only comes in spurts. Sure I write on my blog frequently but it’s not the same as writing for my book, which I have my doubts on. I know I might sell a few copies of the new book, but I doubt it will be as much as my first book. Or maybe it will be more because it’s concentrated on something else. I don’t know, it’s frustrating because I know I will never be a Neil Gaiman or a Lawrence Block. My writing is just not that great all the time. Even my stories that I have posted on my blog don’t get read that wildly. I am just a dark writer and unless I find a dark audience, the material is just not going to go anywhere.

I have thought about what I am going to do with my check now that it is secured. Maybe I can save up for a college class online and see how that goes. There is a psychology class that is available only in the summer at UMB that I have been dying to take. It will take some budgeting but I think I can do it by next April. I also want to go on a trip to see my friends out in California. One lives there and three others have moved there. It would be nice to see them again. Then I have a friend in Texas that I have been dying to see since she left Boston. My cousin also just moved there so I will be killing two birds with one stone. Least I hope so. Texas is a big state and unfortunately, my friend lives on one end and my cousin is in the middle. Not close together so it will take some planning. Least she is closer to him now than she was before. So next check will be a huge saving deal where I put money aside for travel and some aside for college. But all of this is mute if I end up dead because of this fucking pain that won’t go away. This is the second month that I have had a bad flare up where I had to take strong pain meds to quiet it down. I thought after the good day I had earlier I would be fine. All that changed when the pain became intense that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Sometimes the pain goes away if I don’t pay attention to it and then there are times when doing that just intensifies it. I guess getting the migraine earlier out of the blue really caused my mood to shift.

It started while I was watching the OSU game. Western Michigan had the ball at their 2 yard line and the crowd noise went ballistic. I know the volume on the TV was loud but the crowd noise made it amplify. I should have known I was getting a migraine but didn’t think nothing of it. My mother came to the kitchen so I switched TVs. I watched from the living room and my head started hurting. I was also becoming irritable and tired. I was watching baseball and every time I switched games, from football to baseball, I felt like I was watching golf as the baseball game was so quiet compared to the football game. I watched baseball during halftime and then when they place Ogando in whatever inning it was, I went to my room. I can’t stand to watch him pitch because he loves giving up the long ball (homerun). But he did good today, kept the shut out. It wasn’t until I heard a saw running that my head exploded with pain. My sister is doing construction in her kitchen. They were still working on it from this morning. I immediately took my migraine pill before nausea could set in. I guess that was why I was sick the other day. If the nausea lasts more than 24 hours, I usually end up with a migraine some where in the next day or so. This is why I need my Zofran. I know it’s the weekend but I should be able to have them fill it. If it doesn’t cost too much, maybe I will pay out of pocket if insurance is the issue. I can’t imagine it can be but I won’t know until someone picks up the damn phone and tells me why they can’t fill it. If they need a diagnosis, I can tell them but they probably want it from my doc, which means having to wait till Monday. I will try tomorrow to get someone in the pharmacy and then if I don’t get someone, I will tweet walgreens to make a stink. Sometimes I get a faster response tweeting than I do on the phone.

I really am trying not to let the pain get the best of me but it is so fucking hard. I am in such a shitty mood. I need to take my night meds so I can try and get some sleep. But the throbbing is so incessant. I just need about 5 minutes to stand to take my meds and then be back on my comfy bed. I don’t think that is asking too much after all the walking I did and stair climbing, it should be a piece of cake. But no, not tonight. The ball of my foot is being prodded so viciously and angrily. It’s in my between the last two metatarsals of my foot. And the pain is going to the side of my foot near my ankle. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome sucks so bad. I guess I should be grateful that it’s a mild case and not severe as it can be. Doesn’t mean I like it very much. This is why I am disabled, aside from my mental illness. My mental illness is the 1st diagnosis that lead to me being disabled. Then you add my physical disability and whammo, I can’t work anymore. I really can’t stand this. Being in mental pain is one thing. I thought, at one point, being in physical pain was better. How wrong was I? Terribly wrong. I only thought it was better because there would be medication for it. But I soon found out that being in pain all the time screws up pathways and shit that medications just don’t touch. I would have to take Neurontin and my opioids to get total relief for ONE day. But the problem with the Neurontin is that it makes me hungry and I need to watch my fucking weight. So I don’t take it unless I absolutely have to. It’s hard to tell when I am having a nerve pain attack and when this is physical pain that is only helped by narcs. Usually in this flare up, I have to take a Neurontin or a dozen to get relief. And I do mean a dozen. I will take a handful and then be fine for a week. Then I know it was nerve pain and not physical pain. It’s been an hour since I took the pain meds and now my foot has calmed down so I know that it was physical pain. It’s still throbbing but with less intensity. I can now take my night time meds and try to go to sleep. Maybe the shitty mood will be gone by morning.

Pain and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in pain again today, worse than it was the past week. I was able to shower and go to Walgreens. On the way home, I must have stepped wrong and now I can barely walk without severe pain. The weather has shifted considerably so I think that is why I am in so much pain. Last night the pain or should I say the throbbing got really bad that I couldn’t have anything on my foot. No sheets or blanket. I had to leave it hanging by the side of the bed. It’s hard trying to live like this. I am trying not to let it get me down but suicide is always my go to when I get like this. I feel so hopeless because I can’t do anything and the little that I do do, I suffer with more pain.

I got pissed off at Walgreens. I got an email saying my prescription was ready. I thought it would be my Zofran. Nope. It’s my other pill that I wasn’t expecting. I asked what the problem was because according to the website AND the app, it says it is ready for pickup. She gave me some bullshit saying the computer was down and the insurance wouldn’t allow it to go through, blah blah blah. So I have to wait till it gets sorted. I have just one pill left so I hope the nausea doesn’t return.

I had to turn off my wifi so I can write without being distracted by FB and Twitter. My groceries came today so I am planning on having steak for dinner. There is no way I can walk to get my roast beef sandwich. Plus, I lost $20 yesterday. It must have fallen out of my pocket when I got my headphones out. I am so pissed. Now I have just enough cash on me to get my T-pass for the month. I am thinking of reorganizing the way I have my wallet and money now. I keep them separate just in case I am ever robbed.

Now that I am short, I don’t think I can get my haircut this month. I wanted to get some wine but that is out of the works. I can’t walk to the liquor store anyways. Maybe I will ask my Brother in Law to get it for me. He always goes to the liquor store. I really wanted to go so I could get some Margarita mix. For some reason I have been craving this drink for some time now. But I want it made with Patron instead of Cuevo. I have the Patron, I just need the mix.

Ankle Chronicles 11

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle Chronicles 11

Hard to believe I am up to 11 stories about my stupid ankle. But here goes…

I woke up early this morning to my foot having fits and being a real ass. I had to go out today. There was no way I was spending another day in the house after I spent nearly all weekend and then some inside. So I took some pain meds and within and hour I was back to sleep. When I woke up my foot wasn’t as bad, until I started walking on it. It didn’t like it one bit. Shit. Too bad. I rebelled. I kept off it most of the day until I had to do an errand for my sister and then leave to go get my latte. My sister is a little nuts. I know she has anxiety when it comes to her kids but her kids aren’t little anymore. She wanted me to check in on the 17 year old to see if she had a fever. Really? My niece is not mentally disabled. I think she can stick a thermometer in her mouth quite safely to see if she is running a fever. So I hobble over there and find she is fine. No fever just some pain in her side that I contribute to either a pulled muscle or her period coming on. She is not throwing up, doesn’t feel nauseous, is drinking fluids. So I leave to catch my bus to the Square. My foot is not really hurting but before I leave to go to the train station to meet up with my friends, I take a pain pill just in case.

I met up with my friends and we had dinner. Then we went to the bookstore and I got a book that I wanted on Amazon and a new journal. I really wanted to get the $40 one but settled on the camo one for $30. As we are walking back to the car, my ankle decides it is going to act up. I have to play it cool so I just walk like nothing is bothering me. We get back to the train station to head home and we have to jog a bit to make it to the platform on time. Yea, my ankle REALLY didn’t like that. I thought all was good until I got off the bus and started walking home. I should have taken a pain pill while I was waiting for the bus. So I pretty much had to crawl home. It took me at least twenty minutes to get home when it normally would take me ten. I am half way down the street that I hate walking at night when I start to feel really nauseous. I had to stop for a few minutes and then continue. I had some dry heaves in the process. I didn’t think I was going to get home without hurling my dinner. I finally make it home, stomach contents still intact and where they should be.

Now I have to climb two flights of stairs to my room. My ankle is still being a whiny bitch and fights me every step. I also have to go to the bathroom but want to change before I do. I took a Zofran (anti-emetic) so I don’t puke. I am waiting for that to kick in before I start taking my handful of night meds and my pain meds. I go to the bathroom and come back to my room. Ankle is fuming at me now. It wants no part of standing to take my meds. My stomach is still unsettled to I take my pill box to the night stand and when my stomach is ready, least I won’t have to get up again. I am tempted just to take the one pill that I need and my pain meds and say screw the rest of them. Problem is, that pill looks like my Ativan so I will have to take both pills because I can’t really distinguish them without looking up the pill numbers and such. That is too much work to do when I am in pain and just want to go to sleep.

I had therapy today. Again she wanted to know where my writing was at. UGH. Why do my two treaters care where my writing is at when I don’t have the answer for them? It drives me crazy because I am not writing and I feel bad about this. It adds pressure for me and the more pressure that is on, I can’t write. It’s not writer’s block. The stuff is there. I just need motivation to actually write my thoughts out. But I am scared it is going to cause some unpleasantness, maybe some dissociation or worse, psychotic symptoms to come out. That is why I am treading lightly in my head before it is on paper. They don’t know this though. I haven’t told them because I just don’t want them to pressure me more. It has been months since I wrote something good. I think the NYT article was the last thing I wrote, outside my blog and journal. I got to find my mojo again.

hypo again and ankle chronicles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hypo Again and Ankle Chronicles

It’s close to 0200 and I show no sign of sleeping. I feel really hyper but in an organized kind of way. I wish I could get into a cleaning mode as my room could really use it but my hip is hurting and I know standing for any length of time will annoy it. My ankle is also giving me grief so I doubt standing or cleaning would be a good idea at the present time. I can barely sit without my hip hurting. I don’t know what set this episode off. I thought I was going to head towards a depression and then I got hyper when I realized it was midnight and I wasn’t tired.

I think I might be cycling, but I am not having true depressive episodes or sadness even. I just seem to go from a hyper state of being to being “normal”. I am not even suicidal, though I have been having passing thoughts of killing myself. They don’t last long, maybe a few minutes tops. And I don’t ruminate on them when I am like this. I am sure if I was in a depressive state, I would.

I am glad that I am seeing my doctor next week because my left eyelid has been extremely itchy and has a skin tag on it. I have been trying not to freak out and call it cancer but I can’t stand it being different than my right eye. Even the skin texture is different, but I am sure it is just dry because I don’t drink enough fluids during the day. I try to but it’s difficult because I don’t want to leak. But seeing as I will be having my blood drawn on Monday, I need to increase my fluids so my veins are better able to get attacked. I am a hard stick anyways but being dehydrated really makes my veins disappear.

I don’t know what set off my ankle tonight. I was watching the game in the comfort of my sister’s bedroom with my foot up most of the game. It wasn’t my bed but it shouldn’t make a difference. Anyways, by the 7th inning, I was in some deep pain. I was watching my niece and I knew that if I went upstairs to my room and back down again, it would only cause me more pain. I just stuck it out. I waited patiently for my sister to come home. It was approximately two hours later. Luckily, walking on it didn’t seem to bother it as much as standing still, which is weird. It was throbbing big time by the time I made it up to my room. Then I had to go back downstairs to the bathroom. Whatever I ate didn’t agree with me and my bowels went nuts. I hope they don’t act up anymore. They probably will because I took a senna with my meds. I am going to be really cleaned out.

I wrote several pages in my journal before I decided to blog. I am feeling the writing itch though my thoughts are as clear as they were before. I think the meds are starting to kick in. It’s weird that I am having a second episode of hypomania in a year. I usually just get it once and that is all. It is unusual for me to be hypo twice in a year. Course I have been hypo for most of the week. I hope this means that I will sleep for more than a few hours tonight as I am up so damn late. I am hungry but I am not going to eat as it is so late. The way I am feeling, you would think that I haven’t eaten anything at all, all day. I had steak and a sweet potato while I was at my sister’s and it made me quite full. But usually at this time, I get wicked hungry for some reason. Midnight cravings I guess. I really want a damn donut. I swear when I get my check, I am going to go to Dunkin and get a half dozen. I hear through FB that there might be a gourmet donut shop in the Square. That would be so awesome and yummy. Starbucks has an old fashioned donut that I really like. Okay, all this talk about donuts is not helping my hunger.

I took my pain meds three hours ago. I should be knocked out or at least close to it. But I am not. I feel another all nighter coming on. Question is, when am I going to get some sleep? It’s so hard to say when I am like this. My ankle/foot pain is not helping the situation at all. If I am not asleep in another half hour, I will take another dose of pain meds. It will be four hours since my last dose, so I think it will be ok. Sometimes, when I am in severe pain it takes another dose of meds to quiet things down and get me some rest. I don’t know if the pain is fueling the mania or vice versa at this point. I wish I felt euphoric but I don’t. I just feel content and a little sad. I am sad because this is happening to me and I don’t know why. Usually Bipolar disorder gets better with age not worse. I can’t say this is a relapse because I don’t typically get hypomanias. I am mostly depressed. This is quite unusual for me to be hypo. I so rather be depressed. It is what is normal for me. It is what is the expected.

OI, there is an advocate that I follow on Twitter and she is so fucking annoying. She thinks all her opinions are facts because she experienced it. Yet when I try and tell her how my experiences are, I am downplayed, like it doesn’t matter to her at all what I think. WTF is that? I should unfollow her. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. You would think she would be more open minded to people’s lived experiences but only hers counts? Doesn’t make sense. Then she states the obvious of how mental health professionals are uncomfortable talking to their patients about suicide. No fucking shit, really?? Where the hell have you been the last ten years?? Obviously not in the suicide field. Obviously not doing research about suicide like I have. So take that, Miss who-thinks-she-knows-it-all.