Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

don’t know if I should write anymore

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Don’t know if I should write anymore

I have been contemplating writing today. It’s been a difficult day. I again had pain and I think because I have been rationing my pain medication, I have been going through withdrawal. That hasn’t been pleasant. But there is nothing I can do about it until Friday. I feel like all I do is talk about my pain and also that it is boring you guys.

I didn’t go out today because I wanted to rest my ankle. Friday will be a long day because I have two appointments. I want to prepare myself for it as much as I can. I am not hopeful that the NP appointment will go well. If anything, I will get my usual amount of meds and hopefully a refill for the strong pain pill but nothing else will change. And I will be pissed off because I will feel unheard. If the NP gets freaked out and refuses to give me my meds because she is worried, I will end things sooner than planned.

I was talking with my therapist today about this. I told her somethings and it made her worry. She wants me to text her after the appointment with the NP to see how it goes. I told her I have no intention to do so. I feel things aren’t going to matter, which is why I didn’t want to write today. Nothing matters to me anymore. I am tired of fighting pain. I give up.

I took a shower today and made coffee. I was really tired after all the Neurontin I took last night. I plan on taking the same dose tonight. It helps me sleep some. I woke up this morning without the sock I had worn to bed. It’s hiding somewhere under the covers because it’s not on the floor. When I told my therapist this, she laughed and said I was such a guy.

I might write tomorrow, which could be my last blog. Depends on how I feel. Just feeling really down right now and not sure what to do about it.

Games my foot likes to play

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Games my foot likes to play

The past few weeks, my foot has been playing these games with me. It will become really hot and painful so I take it out of the covers and it IMMEDIATELY cools down and stops hurting. Then it becomes cold so I stick it under the blankets, only for it to start hurting again so I take it out. This goes on for a while. It drives me crazy. One night I woke up with both feet on top of the covers and feet were freezing. Unreal.

I am getting tired of this game because I know one day it is going to stop and then I will be in more pain, unable to relieve it. I picked out another date. Fuck it. I don’t care, though tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 70’s. It’ll be my last chance to end my life while the weather is fair. My luck my back will go out because the temp jumped 30 degrees and I won’t be able to go no where.

I did a stupid thing tonight. I was trying to fix my lamp and inside where the bulb is was a lot of dust. Without thinking, I blew air into this cup thing. As you might of guessed, the dust blew into my face and I was blinded for a few minutes. Thank goodness I had my glasses on or dust would have been in my eyes. Idiot I am. I did fix my lamp though, least I think I did. We’ll see later on tonight if it turns on.

I am in a sour mood. The Cubs won, much to my dismay. My foot is killing me and there is nothing I can really do about it. I took some Neurontin to quiet the burning but that is half the problem. I also took an extra Ativan to help me sleep but I don’t feel sleepy. I just want to fucking die. That will solve all my problems in one shot.

I can’t believe my foot is calming down after I took it off the blankets. WTF. Who knew that would be the answer to my fucking problem. Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep. I know I am going to be dead tomorrow because I did a lot of shit today. I probably will sleep all day. Maybe, with any luck, I will sleep through my therapy appointment. I doubt it though. I am usually too nervous to sleep past the hour and I usually set an alarm to wake me up. I hate being responsible.

I just don’t know what to do if my foot becomes cold again because this in and out game sucks and keeps me up. I would put a sock on but that doesn’t help. I’ll try it though, a loose fitting one. I don’t want a tight one like my BoSox slipper socks or a heavy one like my thermal socks. Nothing too constricting or warm. I hope whatever my foot is going through, it doesn’t last all winter long. It will drive me up the fucking wall.

depressing and psychotic day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a depressing day for me. I also have been psychotic as I was late taking my pill today. I went out earlier than usual to get my espresso. I woke up feeling really hungover because I took extra Neurontin, hoping it would quiet my pain. No such luck, but it helped me sleep through the night, so that is a plus. While I was at Starbucks, I wrote in my journal and edited my book. I have 100 pages left to edit. I probably would have done more today but I was really tired, even after drinking the espresso.

Before I came home, I went to Walgreens. My mother needed her prescriptions and so did I. I also needed to get some cards. I was hoping they would have spaghetti and meatballs in their freezer section but they didn’t. When I came home, I made some pizza. I didn’t have lunch at Starbucks, though I probably should have. I was starving when I got home. I had a bagel before I left. I guess the extra Neurontin is making my appetite horrendous like it always does. I won’t be able to take it tonight because I need to drive tomorrow. I don’t want to be hungover and drive. That wouldn’t be good.

I have been feeling weepy today for some reason. I think it was because I was hungry. I feel better now that I ate, though I still feel depressed. It’s hard to feel anything else when the voices are calling you an asshole. That is all they are saying, over and over and over again. This weekend I was a turd and a dipshit. Now I’m an asshole. I wonder what names they will be calling me tomorrow. It’s so tiring to hear them day in and day out. It takes a lot of energy to block them out, which is why I am so tired.

My pain levels are, so far anyway, minimal. But it’s getting cold in my room so that might change. Doesn’t help that I still have the AC in my window. I never talk politics on my blog because I am idiot when it comes to it, but I still follow what goes on so I have some clue. When I was at the party Saturday, there was a guy that said he was voting for Trump because he liked him better than Hillary. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. You are at a married lesbian party and you are voting for an antigay guy?? What the hell do you think is going to happen to your friends if he gets elected? Their marriage will be void, they might have to go through torturous conversion therapy or worse. But yea, pick the child rapist over someone who has fought long and hard for the people in this country because she deleted 33000 emails. PFFTT. It gets me really upset that men are voting for this idiot because he is, well, a guy. That is all I will say on the matter.

I will be voting, hopefully, tomorrow. I wish it ended the shitshow but I still have a week and a day before that happens. Not that it truly is going to end. Trump will find any reason to be in the news long after the election is over. The media just eats him up like candy. It’s sickening.

The cake that I made on Saturday is gone. My therapist will have the very last piece. I guess my mother liked it because she has been eating it as well. If I can find another 10 inch pie plate, I will make it for Christmas and/or Thanksgiving.

As I am running low on my medication and won’t get a refill until Friday, I have decided to flip a coin as to which pill to take. This sucks so bad. I wish my other PCP was still at my doctor’s office. I wouldn’t be in this mess that I am in. He listened. He cared. Now I don’t have someone who has my back. Man, I am so depressed.

Just a lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Just a lazy Friday

I woke up around 8 this morning and used the bathroom. I then went back to sleep only to wake up around 1300. I made some coffee and reheated some Lo Mein. That was all that my foot needed to explode. I was going to make my pumpkin cake today but I am not, even though it’s an easy recipe. I just don’t want to exert myself and then be toast tomorrow. I really want to go to the party tomorrow night. I am just going to try and rest today and stay off my foot as much as possible.

It’s raining today so I guess that is a good thing as I planned on killing myself today. I guess my time isn’t up yet. I am feeling pretty sad at this and angry. My therapist texted me last night. I told her to give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill myself and she gave me a couple. She said that I was worthwhile and valuable. Then the voices in my head started calling me a turd and a shithead. So I went to sleep with that in my head.

I wanted to work on my book but I am getting drowsy from the pain meds. I thought the coffee I had would offset the side effects but I was wrong. I don’t really care. I am listening to country radio and thinking of my friend. I feel sad knowing that she is gone. Her daughters are devastated. I can only imagine how her husband of 40 years feels. He is doing some running thing in DC. He is running in her honor.

I am feel really low. I also feel defeated, like something has been taken from me and I can’t get it back. I really don’t want to be anymore. If the weather was better, I might have still gone through with my plan. It just gives me another opportunity at another point in time. I feel risky because I can do it at any time. I don’t have to have a date. I just need to “snap” and have it be a nice day out. Of course, winter is on it’s way so there aren’t going to be that many nice days left. Birthday Month is coming up. I don’t know how I am going to handle all of this. I just don’t want to live anymore.