Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

pain and misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain

Eureka? I am in pain and want to do self harm to try and relieve it as no other pain pill does anything to take away or relieve my pain. I am tired of being in pain all the time, so much so I am entertaining thoughts of ending my life or drinking heavily to see if that helps. Crown royal mixed with some narcotics might do the trick in relieving the madness. It might also kill me but that would be a blessing and not a curse. I think I put too much pressure on my toes tonight while watching the baseball game. It’s hard to describe how I did this. I just realized this when my foot exploded. But then there are days when my foot explodes and I do not put pressure on my toes so I am at a loss. There is no rhyme or reason for my pain. It is nerve pain as clear as day, least in my mind. Tendonitis pain would be all the time while walking and going down stairs and such. But instead I have this pain while lying down in bed, while I am trying to go to sleep. It is as if my foot is saying “hello remember me? I am going to hurt you NOW because I CAN and there is nothing you can do to stop the hurting”. If it was my right foot, then I would say that there is a pattern but there is no pattern. There isn’t even a consistency in pain. Some nights I am tortured by burning, other nights I am tortured by vise like grips on my toes. Or like last night, I was tormented by zaps under my toe nail as if someone was trying to rip it off.

So I take my medication and I will be up for the next forty five minutes or so until it kicks in and I can hopefully find some slumber. I hope that I find slumber before I find a razor or get out of bed to get my whiskey. Maybe being drunk is the answer. I know that fresh cuts might help me but I have a wedding to go to this weekend so I don’t want to make a spectacle of my wounds. I have enough scars on my wrist that goes without saying. I just hope that I can stave off the impulses long enough to let the meds kick in and pray that it lessens the pain enough for me to sleep. I hate being like this….

ankle chronicles 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I went to my appointments today for my primary and psychiatry. Neither had much to offer other than doing the same old same old. My primary wants me to see yet another doctor for the same problem I have been having. I want to refuse but I will make the appointment Monday to show that I am making an effort at getting to the bottom of my pain even though no one knows why I am in pain. They have different theories, each doctor I see has a different opinion or that there is nothing wrong with me because it doesn’t show up on an MRI or X-ray. I just want to be able to control my pain. Is that so wrong? That is why I see him, to get medication for my pain so that I am not suicidally inclined to end my life because of the physical pain in my foot and ankle. But let’s take it from my perspective. I have seen at least 10 medical professionals in the past year to find out what my pain is about. I have had countless sessions of physical therapy, all that have no helped my pain or ease the misery of it. And now he wants me to see my physiatrist to get yet another opinion on what is the reason behind my pain. He thinks that it is tendinitis. If that were so, I would have been cured of that within 6-8 weeks after immobilization. I have worn a boot for almost three months and still my ankle felt like it was going to fall off. To be up in pain night after night of doing NOTHING the past few months have shown that something nerve like is the culprit and not a mechanical problem like it was. Unless I am going up and down stairs wrong after 37 years. Then maybe I am doing something mechanically wrong flexing and reflexing my foot in the upward and downward motion of stair climbing. But no one know this for certain. Hell I don’t even know. I have to take the steps one step at a time to avoid falling. I have gotten so into the habit that I no longer do one step after the other on the stairs leading away from my bedroom.

I am tired of having to explain my pain every month but have decided that I am not going to take my pain medicine every day that I am suppose to. I have no appointment with my primary in a month like I supposed to either. So my little experiment will be can I go a few weeks without pain medication. I know this prospect scares me a little but I feel that I have to at least try this. My only fear is that it will bring on a pain cycle that will be hard to break once it starts. I know that if I don’t do this I might as well try and kill myself now. What is the point of going on like this if I am just going to have panic attacks worrying about pain all the time like I do. I have zap pain, I have burning pain. I don’t have pain down the leg. I don’t have back pain. I just have this fucking pain in my ankle and foot that does not go away except for when I sleep. It is with me 24/7. Some of it I am not aware of because I have gotten so used to it. But if I stop and think about it, it is there, buzzing like a bee.

lack of sleep is a costly thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep but then it’s early for me. I have been thinking about all the nights I have not been able to sleep because of pain, because of worries, because of things that keep running through my head.

Tonight I feel suicidal but I am not going to act on it. I just don’t feel the lethality of my thoughts anymore though if given a chance to actually act on them I might do it. I just don’t care anymore. If I live, if I die. What difference does it make. I still will be doing the same thing tomorrow that I am doing today, nothing. I realized that because I don’t sit down, say in a chair, it has helped my leg get better. I don’t know how better as the pain is less but when I walk or have a long day, it will flair. Even on days when I don’t have long days or walk it will flair up. There is no rhyme or reason as to why this happens. But it bugs me. I need something to do because I am going out of my mind. I have MASH DVDs that I can watch but I don’t watch them. I have other programs I can watch but I don’t. I can clean my room but that just overwhelms me. I try to go out at least once a day but even that seems to be too much of a hassle for me. I am becoming a hermit and I don’t like it. I know tomorrow I will have to go out to pick up my prescription. I probably will get a soda as I have not had one in a few days. I might get a tonic water to avoid the calories of a soda as I am watching my weight. I also might mix this tonic water with some gin and have a drink. I love gin. It tastes so good but I can’t have too much or I will get sick.

I just tried stretching my legs. It felt good. I wish I could remember to do it every day. Maybe then they won’t be so tight. Right now it’s nine thirty in the evening and I am thinking of going to bed but it hold no good dreams for me. I dream about work or killing myself. And this saddens me. I hate trying to go to sleep. Unless I am severely exhausted, I will fight it till the end. No matter how many pills, I take to get to sleep it seems my body always fights it no matter what. It is so frustrating. My lovely Neurontin that I love to take to zone out no longer works for me, even at high doses. I used to be able to sleep a good twelve hours, now I’m lucky to sleep five. That is my interval, four hours maximum. Where I used to sleep till 10 am or later, I am now waking up between six and eight in the morning. I hate this. I need something that makes me sleep longer but I don’t know what to take to let me sleep. Maybe some benedryl. I don’t know…

And this is all if I don’t have pain keeping me up. If I have pain then I am not sleeping at all. I writher in agony until the pain meds bring me some relief. Then soon as they wear off I am in pain again it starts the cycle all over again. The doctors don’t get it. They see me at 2-3 in the afternoon when I am not at my worst pain and think I am doing ok or better than I was the month before and give me my pills and say have a nice month before coming back to tell them the same story of losing sleep because of pain. Pain that wakes me up. Pain that keeps me awake. They don’t care. I am the one paying the price and they don’t care. They think that 2-3 pills a day is an adequate dose to keep me from withering in agony but they don’t see the price it is costing me. Lack of sleep. Lack of ambition, lack of motivation to do things I normally do. I tell them all this and still all I get is lose weight and be more active. I’ll be more active when I am dead…

depression and mobility

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide

This morning started out ok until my grumpy sister started yelling at everything. I ducked out of there before things started flying. Hehehe

I know I should be writing in my “book” but I think I will take a break today. I spent almost four hours on it yesterday and it is now up to eighteen pages. I figure I will add to it a little bit every day but it stirs up emotions and I think that is why I am frustrated right now. It is difficult writing about your struggles with suicide without feeling it when you are still struggling with it. Last night I was in bad shape. I started thinking that I would be better off dead and just wanted to die. I just don’t think I have a purpose and feel like I am just a burden on my family because I am no longer working. I am collecting a social security check and it bothers me that this how my life is right now. I can barely deal with any stress anymore without getting psychotic. I can barely walk around the block without pain. The depression is so crippling me that some days I don’t leave the house. It’s very isolating. I try to go out and even just riding the buses takes so much energy.

Today I just realized I have not left the house since Thursday. I might go out today and go to the store just to take a walk. Maybe I will just buy something that will make me feel better. A little retail therapy never hurt anyone before. Or maybe I will take the bus to Clarendon Hill and head towards Arlington. I have not ridden the buses in a long time. As long as I have my music, I should be ok.

As I’m writing this, I am listening to Linkin Park. I love this group. It always is the right music to listen to when I am in an irritable, frustrated mood. That is the type of mood I am in right now. I am also worried about my foot. I had put a sock on my foot last night because it got wicked cold and this morning the sock was still on, which is unusual as I don’t usually keep the socks on while sleeping. My foot is still some what cold as I can feel it through the sock but the sock is also irritating me. I know that if I take it off I risk angering my foot and it retaliating by causing me pain. Nerve damage sucks. I really hate this type of pain than any other because there is nothing I can do about it. The other night I had zingers, electric type of shock pains in my big toe. It was so annoying. I couldn’t sleep because as soon as I started to relax, the zingers would start, jolting my foot and waking me up. Why do I have this nerve damage? Because of something called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). A disc crushed my nerves in my back and left me with nerve damage in my left leg, foot, ankle, and bowels/bladder. But the damage is better than it once was. It take a long time to recover. I have had my last surgery almost seven years ago. This was the second time that I got CES. The first time was the real damage with the drop foot that I still have and also foot weakness. Because of this weakness, I get fatigued in my foot very easily and this causes me to walk improperly. Walking improperly results in the pain that I have been experiencing. And it is different every time it flairs up. I can have a barbed wire type of feeling, a pounding in my foot like someone is using a hammer to crush my toes, to feeling like my toes are in a vise.

This pain also contributes to the depression and not wanting to walk because it brings me pain. But I try to do what I can to get out of the house without too much difficulty. I try not to stand too long while waiting for the bus. I also always try and get a seat whenever possible rather than standing because the pressure and worry of the bus stopping short is always there. When I take the train, I do the same thing.

I didn’t go out again today. I decided to cook and watch the baseball game. I made a spicy tomato sauce, which I didn’t intend to make. While I was pouring a little bit of crushed red pepper, the top came off and I dumped half the container in the pot. I now have a spicy sauce. If I had some beans I could make a chili out of it.

And the closing pitcher for the Sox decides to blow the no hitter. FUCK! I so wanted this no hitter, even though it is still Spring training. Today was media day and the last media speaker SUCKS. Remdawg and Don are not even reporting the game, just letting this soft-spoken speaker speak while the game is playing. I am falling asleep.