Tag: depression

OSU hat and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

wpid-img_20151001_165524.jpg

OSU hat and other things

I finally got my official OSU (Ohio State) hat today. In the box it was sent it, I also got a bunch of snacks. There were sample packs of gum, Combos pretzels, and other stuff. I thought it was really cool to get these things. I never got more than what I paid for before.

I saw my pdoc today. We discussed the pain I have been having and the corresponding depression that I am in because of it. She thinks it might be the nerve connections growing back. It’s a painful process but it could mean that I could get sensation back in my foot where it is numb and weak. That would be good because finding out that I stepped on something and it’s embedded in my foot is not a good thing. I had a tiny piece of stone in my foot a few months ago. I have no idea how long it had been in there as skin was almost covering it up. I couldn’t believe it. But a piece of stone is better than a piece of glass. I will never forget the time my mother broke a glass in the bathroom and a fragment was left behind. I stepped on it as I walk barefoot. I thought it was a piece of rock and it was this piece of glass. Had no feeling in my foot whatsoever as I didn’t feel it puncture my skin at all. All thanks to having cauda equina syndrome.

I am extremely tired. I have been up since 0630. Before my pdoc’s appointment, I had to go to my father’s. As I was approaching my father’s apartment, his doctor called to tell me his INR (Coumadin level) was low. I said I would investigate and call her back. Turns out the ass hasn’t been taking his night meds. He must have missed a few nights for his level to be low. I wanted to strangle him. He is at risk of stroke not only because of his age but because he has an irregular heart rhythm. So he has to take this medicine to keep his blood thin to prevent a clot. I regaled the story to my sister and she tells me he starts his meds on Monday. WTF. He has to take them every fucking day and night. I am so frustrated because I am the one the docs go to when there is a problem with his blood work. He doesn’t understand or care, I don’t know which. I am too tired to figure it out. I don’t live with him so I am not there when he takes his meds. And I will be damned if I have to make a special trip every night to his house to make sure he is compliant.

I should have ordered Thai food for dinner but I wasn’t hungry when I left my pdoc’s office. I really would love King and I’s Pad Thai. I haven’t had a decent Pad Thai since I left work three years ago. There is a place in my town that makes it that is comparable but it’s not the same as King and I’s.

The one thing I did forget to talk about with my pdoc is the PTSD symptoms I have been having with my anniversary coming up. I think the stress of being in pain while I was seeing her made me forget. I really didn’t want to see her. I just wanted to go home and put my foot up. I might shoot her an email. I really just want to get through next week without it bothering me but I doubt that will happen. It’s really hard to forget something like having to go through two surgeries for the same problem. And then to find out that your second surgery had to be done because a disc fragment was embedded in the L3 nerve root. You never get over the anger of dealing with something like this. I have tried letting it go but it is very hard to do when you are in pain every day because of this injury. And now to suffer the consequences of surgery and scar tissue, it’s just too much.

Hurricane Joaquin

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hurricane Joaquin

Today has been heavy rain and flash floods every where. I am glad I didn’t venture out as I would have gotten soaked. It’s windy but not too much. During one of the breaks in the rain, my mother decided to open the back porch door. Then the heavy rain fell. Luckily, I got to the kitchen in time before it flooded. It is really humid and the house is very muggy as most of the windows are closed. I am ok in my room, but then I have the AC. I hope the rain clears up by tomorrow as I really don’t want to be traveling in the rain. I don’t mind getting wet if I am just walking in the rain (I love it!) but if I have to go somewhere, I hate being in wet clothes. I don’t usually carry an umbrella in stormy weather because all you are doing is fighting with the damn thing and going to get soaked either way. I will carry it if there is no wind, which is what I hope the case will be tomorrow.

I’m glad I didn’t have to go into town today. There was a fire inside one of the stations and flooding at another one. Good going MBTA! The line was down for a good couple of hours. It is now just getting close to being on time. If the stations can’t handle heavy rain, I don’t know how they are going to handle the winter. This past winter there were major delays all over the place. Commuter rail going to the suburbs were affected as well. It was a disaster. I hope this winter won’t be as horrid, but you never know until January.

I had therapy though we didn’t talk about therapy things. Our connection wasn’t great today, probably because of the weather but I think my therapist needs a new phone and she is in great denial about it. So we talked about tech stuff. She was amazed that she went on the internet when I send her links to my blog. She had no idea. Talk about being clueless. She also doesn’t want to lose my text messages, which I can understand. She did that before and doesn’t know how she did it and boy, was she in a panic. I tried explaining to her that getting a new phone will suck for a little while but she wouldn’t listen at all. This is what I am getting from therapy. Counseling my therapist on cell phones and how the internet works. LOL. I found it funny and made a comment about it. She just laughed. She did read the yesterday’s blog that I sent her. She said that it was good that I sent it to her because she doesn’t know when her anxiety about my pain is interfering with things.

We then talked about my writing, or rather the lack of it. Today has been a long day because I woke up so damn early. She said to print out the things that I have written and read it over. Maybe that will spark something. I haven’t done that yet. I was describing the difficulty of writing when she asked if I had any journals about psychosis or something to that effect. I told her I just have suicide or self harm journal articles. I suppose I could Google something but that sounds like a lot of work for something that is supposed to be fiction. I don’t really want my short story to become a clinical paper. She really wanted me to write about my early experiences with my fantasy world but it would be too triggering for me and then with the weekend coming, her not being available, it would be tough to sit through all that stuff. So it stays in my head where it belongs. I’m already having enough anxiety over the anniversary coming up next week. What keeps going through my mind is when I got the phone call from my PCP while I was driving to my therapist’s appointment (I had a car then). I remember having to pull over because I wanted to listen carefully to what he was telling me and not crash into something. After the phone call, I was numb. I had CES again and I was to report to the hospital the following day for surgery. I am glad I had therapy that night because I was close to losing my shit, but it was a weird calm. I knew what to expect this go round because I had been through it before and I had the support of my group. I didn’t know when I would be able to see my therapist again. I was walking when I went to the hospital but wasn’t when I left, not unassisted anyway. I was walking with a walker or a cane. I can’t remember. I just know my left leg was weaker than it was before the surgery. It is what lead to my disability. I know that if I didn’t hurt my back the second go round with this horrid condition, I probably would still be working now. I lost so much after this but I was determined to make as full a recovery as possible. I had to fight to keep my PT appointments, even though they were just telling me to join a gym. A gym wouldn’t help me. I would have to figure things out on my own and fuck that. I wanted someone to show me what I should be doing and how to do it. That is how I learn. I think during my recovery time my therapist started with the phone sessions and it just continued even after I recovered. If I couldn’t make it to where she was, I would have a phone session. It didn’t become a regular thing until I no longer had access to a car to get to her office thirty miles away from me. Both my cars died on me. They were used when I got them and I just didn’t want to put more money into old cars. I do miss the Camaro. That car was sweet. I got my first speeding ticket with that car. I think I still have the violation somewhere in my files. It is paid, of course, but I just wanted to keep it.

There’s a lot of things I wish I knew when I got the second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome. Like how my bowels and bladder were going to be. They still don’t work the way they did before. I had retention and leakage with my bladder before the second surgery but it got worse after. If I had checked out the AFO before I got CRPS in my ankle, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t have it today. These are the things that go through my mind. But mostly it was getting that phone call saying that I had CES x 2 that kills me to this day. It’s going to be a rough week.

an injustice and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been up for the past hour or so. I am in pain and I am not happy about it. It’s raining cats and dogs so I probably won’t go out. It still is muggy though so I have the AC running. I wonder if the rain is what is causing my good ankle to be so sore. I really need to eat something so I can take my NSAID. Hopefully that will help this pain.

While I was up, I read my Twitter feed and a friend posted an article about how a young man died in jail while waiting for a psych bed at the state mental hospital where he was ordered. Cause of death is unknown at this time, but it is not a suicide or homicide. The man was very sick. He had stopped eating, was covered in his own filth as some psych patients get when they are untreated. I find it hard to believe that the people who run the jail didn’t notice his demise and didn’t do anything to get this man the help he so desperately needed. According to the article and the buzz around Twitter, jails are becoming warehouses for the mentally ill because there are no psych beds available. It is sad that they keep on making more jails than psych wards. And what is even more staggering, is they keep closing units left and right. In my own community when I first moved here, there was a mental hospital and three psych units at the local hospital (2 adults and one for kids). Now there is just one adult unit and that is it. The hospital closed because of budget cuts and so did the other units. That is just in my area. I am sure that is the case in other communities as well. Let’s cut the psych unit before all others because who cares about the patients. And now they are wondering why there is a mental health crisis. Good lord.

It bothers me that this young man died all because he was in jail and didn’t get the care that he needed. Course, jail isn’t for folks like him. They do belong in a psych ward but why did no one visit him? Why didn’t his lawyer check up on him? All these questions and no answers. And you know the jail is going to be covering their ass in this day and age when the system is under fire. The guy didn’t do anything wrong, really. He stole $5 worth of snacks and got a death sentence in return. Just doesn’t seem right for a misdemeanor. $5 and within something like 50 days, he was dead. Just so wrong, very wrong.

I don’t know what I am going to do today. I wish my day didn’t start so damn early. If my mother goes to my aunt’s, maybe I will watch the season finale of CSI. I recorded it but haven’t watched it yet, like many of my shows. I still haven’t finished watching Rizzoli and Isles episodes. Though I think I didn’t record a couple because Maura’s father hasn’t been introduced yet. He was played by David Ogden Styers. He also played in M*A*S*H as Winchester. He is a wonderful actor. I could have a M*A*S*H marathon. I had bought the whole DVD collection because it was on sale at Best Buy. It’s one of my favorite comedy shows. I love Hawkeye and Frank. They are so funny. I really missed Frank when he left the show.

I have therapy later this afternoon. I hope no one calls me like they did yesterday. My mother called and then someone else did too. The one time I am on the phone, everyone decides to call me. My phone is silent the rest of the day. I just don’t get it. I think I have figured out a way to see her at least once a month, in person. I just hope it works. Otherwise, I am back to just the phone and not seeing her at all. If it does work, then I won’t have to change my father’s doctor either.

I hope to get some reading done today. I still have not finished the Harry Potter book, yet. I realized it’s because I really hate one of the characters in the book and can’t stand reading about how mean she is and a bully, though she tries to play it off like she is wonderful and kind. It’s not my favorite book because I know what happens in the end and I don’t like it. I guess that is another reason I haven’t finished it. I am half way through and soon as I am done with HP, I plan on reading about the Lusitania. I really should finish “American Gods” but that book is very creepy. It’s one of Neil Gaiman’s books. I didn’t realize he wrote so many books. He is a brilliant writer.

frustrating therapy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am in a little less pain today than I was last night. This could change as the night progresses. I have been up and down the stairs today, not a lot but enough to possibly set off my ankle. There is supposed to be rain today but it’s partly cloudy and very humid out. I am glad I didn’t take my AC out last week when it was cool. We always have an Indian summer and the weather stays fair until November. I usually don’t have the AC going in October but it usually stays in until I can clear a path for my brother in law to take it out.

I had therapy today and we talked about my anxiety coming up with my anniversary. She said that it is creating a something to do with PTSD. I forget the word she used. Half way through session, I wanted to stop talking. I just didn’t want to talk anymore about anything. She kept on asking about Hyde and my suicidality, the depression, and about my pain. We talked about that for a bit as pain has really brought me down. I just feel useless because if I do anything, it brings me pain. If I don’t do anything, it brings me pain. How can I win at this game? How am I supposed to live? I am so tired of living with the depression and being in chronic physical pain. I don’t think she gets it. And I am too tired to try and make her understand. I know dealing with chronic pain isn’t her thing and she has had to learn off the fly what it’s like, but sometimes I just want her to listen and not say anything when I complain about being in pain. She can’t do anything for me but be there and that is all I am asking her to do. I’m the one stuck with this bullshit not her. Only thing I can do is fucking text her in the middle of the night because the pain is driving me crazy. Used to be that I texted her my darkness. Now I just want to die because I can’t stand the pain anymore, and everything that goes with it.

She asked about my writing and I cringed. I told her I am just blogging right now. I can’t seem to get my head in gear to do anything else. I am just tired of trying to write something and coming up empty. I have been trying to add on to Haylor but no can do. And it bugs me because the words are there but I can’t get them out. It is so frustrating.

I haven’t done anything today. I wanted to go to the liquor store to get some wine but haven’t the inkling to get dressed and go. I just want to stay in my room, with the AC, and keep my foot up. I slept after my therapy appointment. So much for the coffee keeping me up. I had the Brazil Sertraozinho today. It was very good. Today is National Coffee day. My aunt told me that Dunkins was giving out free coffee today. I’ll stick with my good stuff, thank you. They are only good for donuts, least to me anyway. I really want some Chinese food, the good greasy kind. It’s too bad my favorite place closed down. Now I have limited to no options. There is one place I get General Gau from but that is the only thing good there. Their fried rice isn’t so great and their Lo Mein sucks. Maybe I will get some on Thursday when I have to head into town. I’ll go to the train station and get it there. It’s pretty good and cheap.