Tag: disability

painful day and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful day and other things

I had a hard time sleeping. I think I went to sleep around 3, only to wake up around 7. I was in pain so I took some meds. I went back to sleep and then woke up around 1300 in pain, again. I had wanted to make an egg and bacon burrito but I was hurting too much. I decided to try UberEats to deliver McDonalds. It was good, though for some reason, the driver had my wrong address. I had to text him the correct one. I’m glad I got my Big Mac and McNugget fix. I haven’t had McDonalds in a long time.

I am so glad that I budgeted my money good this month and that I have enough to change my name. I have a little more in my account should it comes out to more than $185. I want to get my haircut but I’m not sure when that will happen. I have a busy week coming up. I might get it done next Thursday if I am not in too much pain. I’m still waiting for a credit from PeaPod on the order I cancelled. I don’t understand why it takes minutes to deduct from your account but days to credit. So stupid.

I’m really tired because I didn’t get any sleep. I also took a big dose of Neurontin that always leaves me hungover the next day. I’ve been having to keep an eye on the Skankees because if they lose, the Sox win the AL East title. But the bastards beat the Jays so we still have one more game to play to win. I really hope we don’t have to play the Skanks to claim the title. There are only 3 games left in the regular season. We still will be in the playoff games.

in a flare

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a flare

I woke up around 7 in pain. Took some pain meds and Neurontin as I wanted to sleep. I set my alarm as I had my grocery delivery coming at 1500. About an hour later, I went back to sleep. I woke up just before my alarm went off. I was still in pain but it was manageable. I needed coffee to get the cobwebs out of my brain. I decided to make my Hawaiian Ka’u. It came out stronger than I thought. For some reason, even though I measure the water in my mug, water just evaporates and I am left with less water. I have been using Poland Spring water to make my coffee because our tea kettle has rust on the bottom of it. My mother doesn’t want to part with it.

I was hungry so I made cereal, drank my coffee, had some chips, and then made half a salami and cheese sandwich. My foot was hurting but it was tolerable. My mother wanted potatoes and hot dogs for supper so I prepared the potatoes. I had fun chopping them up with the cleaver knife. By the time I was done, my mother was ready to cook them. She wanted me to slice up the hot dogs so I did that. While I was peeling the potatoes my groceries came. I didn’t order much so there wasn’t too much to put away. I bought some small figlets. They are figs and were really good.

I went to my room while my mother was cooking to give my ankle a rest. It was becoming intolerable. I took a strong pain pill to try to control the pain. Then I had dinner and had to go downstairs so my niece could eat the meal. I was really hurting by the time I went back upstairs. I read Twitter and found that today is the 13th birthday of a Rascal Flatts album, Feels Like Today. I knew I had it so I downloaded it to my phone and am listening to it now. I really like this album. By the time I was ready to write my blog, my damn foot and ankle flared up. I am in so much pain right now. I can take my regular pain meds in an hour. I could take another strong pain pill but it will make me dopey as I just took one not too long ago.

I don’t know how PT is going to help me with the pain. The PT I saw the other day said that I sort of need to retrain the brain as it’s all it can think about and it causes my pain more than my ankle/foot itself. Whatever. I just know that I hurt NOW and there is nothing I can do about it but write about it and swear. I didn’t leave the house today. All my activities were done around the house. I like cooking and baking. But not if it leaves me in agony. WTF. I can’t always rely on take out or my mother cooking something because I don’t have incoming money every week. I like to help my mother doing some of the cooking if I can.

It’s going to be a long night. If I am hurting this bad now, I am not sure if it will get worse or better later. I want to listen to the Sox game tonight. They have 4 games left in the regular season. If they win tonight, they could clinch the AL East title. It would be awesome to hear that as I can’t watch it on TV. My ankle will kill me if I go down the stairs again so I can’t watch the game. I am sad the season is over but the boys are in the post-season playoff games so I can still watch baseball. MLB sent me a link today for Red Sox jackets. I have three, the most expensive was $100. It’s a light but heavy jacket made for the cold New England weather. I can’t wear it if the temps are above 40 degrees or I will overheat. It’s that warm. It is my favorite jacket though. I really don’t need another jacket but there is one that I like that is $75. Maybe next pay period I will get it.

hot day, therapy, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hot day, therapy, and other things

I woke up around 0630 in pain. I took some meds and then checked my bank account to see if my check was deposited. It was so I paid some bills and reordered my grocery as I had to cancel the order because of my PT appt yesterday. I just ordered the bare minimum because PeaPod hasn’t yet credited my acct and I didn’t want to spend that much. I’ll just buy what I need at the grocery store if I’m up to it. I might do another order for the stuff I didn’t get but I am hesitant because I want to make sure I have enough money for changing my name in two weeks.

After I paid my bills, I set my alarm and went back to sleep. My mother called me around noon, before my alarm went off. She wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. I’m 41 and still get asked this, every single day! It’s annoying but there is nothing I can do about it. My alarm went off and I didn’t want to get out of bed. I forced myself to and went downstairs to brush my teeth and get ready to go out. My aunt was over again so I exchanged pleasantries. On the way back up to my room, my ankle went out. Not a good sign. Luckily, it wasn’t painful. I limped back up to my room and then took more pain meds. I got dressed and then left the house.

There was construction on the sidewalk. A big machine was blocking my view of the street to see if the bus was coming. Luckily, I got up in time to check and it was coming. When I got on the bus, I ordered my Starbucks and something to eat. I had timed it right for my therapy appt as I only had about a half hour to write in my journal, which kind of sucked. I went to the train station and it was hot as an oven and by the time I got to my therapist’s office, I was sweating. I wished I had brought a facecloth to wipe off the sweat but I wasn’t thinking.

Therapy went well. I thanked him for rescheduling the appt. We talked about what went on yesterday with PT and that I am starting with a PT specialized in CRPS. Then we talked about my father and my suicidality. Yesterday was the first day in about 16 days straight that I didn’t think of wanting to kill myself. We talked about that for a while. Then we talked some more about my father and his death. It was a good session.

I went back to the Square to wait for the bus home. It was late. I was really sweating by the time I reached home. I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my meds. On the way in, I saw one of the pharm tech girls with her dog. It was cute. I think it was a bulldog, my favorite kind of breed, well one of many. She was walking down the street with him the way I had to go. I almost caught up to her when she reached my house but she wasn’t paying attention so I just let her keep walking. My t-shirt was soaked and it was hot in my room. I put the AC on before I dried off and peeled off my shirt. I waited till I cooled down before I put on another shirt. Then I ordered food as my mother didn’t cook anything. She just reheated some soup from the other night.

My therapist said that I needed to do some “fun shit”. I said I don’t have much things that I do. If I make it to Starbucks for the day, then it’s a good day. He said that I should work on doing that more often. I was kind of stunned because I thought he wanted something more but going to Starbucks does make me happy, if for a little while. I need my espresso fix as they no longer have any Clover coffees that I like. I can’t remember the last time I had coffee at Starbucks. I do make it at home as I don’t have an espresso machine. I will never get one of those because I may never leave the house again.

Great News

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Great news!! PT went well. She listened and knew what I was talking about. She is going to refer me to the brace clinic so I can have one for around the house rather than use my AFO. She said because I had CRPS for so long she is not sure therapy can help me get function back but there is a CRPS therapist there that could help. I’m going to try it and as long as it doesn’t flare me up too bad or make things worse I’ll go the 6 visits. She was so understanding of the condition and my past nerve injury. She said if it works great. If it doesn’t oh well. I told her I would like to make a meal where I didn’t have to sit every few minutes or bake in increments because I had to rest. That will be the goal to get me a little more functioning around the house and doing activities that I do. Working is not possible as it is too late for that kind of rehab. I’m excited. l but weary. I have to go see my psychotherapist tomorrow afternoon so I hope I don’t flare tonight from all that she did manipulating my ankle and foot.
The best part is I didn’t have to walk to get there. The bus stops right across the street. Score!!

I am feeling really tired and am in a lot of pain now from everything. I’m glad my mother made supper. She is feeling better. I just hope I don’t need to wash dishes.

I’m now going to be busy with appts all of Oct. If I need to cut down on PT, I can. They don’t want this to cause me more pain. I see the Neuro specialist in 2 wks. Hope he just is able to confirm CRPS so my PCP is happy. The week of the 9th is going to be nuts because Tues i have my name change at the courthouse, Wed PT, Thurs is my physical, and then PT again on Fri. I might skip Fri because it will be too much. We’ll see.

I tried fixing my laptop screen, thinking it was a loose connection but it wasn’t. It is a little better than it was yesterday so that is good. Now I just need to buy a new screen as I know I don’t have to remove all the parts of my laptop. I’m glad I have computer friends on Facebook.

I found one of the payment forms for my insurance to call the benefits office to find out if they will be carrying the same prescription plan. The number on it didn’t work so I had to email my former supervisor to get the correct number. He responded while I was traveling so I will call tomorrow. Open enrollment will be soon. I wonder how much more I will be paying for my insurance. Right now I am paying $171/month plus Medicare which is $104/month. This doesn’t include copays for appts or medications.

I emailed my psych about today’s news and asked her to send me a time for an appt. I was supposed to see her Friday but was in too much pain to get out of bed. It was a crappy day out that day anyway so I am glad I cancelled. Hope I can sleep at a decent hour and that I am not up all night in pain. It will suck.