Tag: hopelessness

Lost Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Lost Sleep

I woke up about an hour ago because I had to pee. Now I can’t go back to sleep because my ankle and toes are having a contest as to who is going to hurt me more. I got to wait for the pain meds to kick in before I hopefully pass out again. I knew I would wake up because I went to bed at 2130.

I had one of my psychologist friends on Twitter respond to a tweet I posted about the black dog and how hopeless I am feeling. She says that I have skills and support to get through this. I don’t know what skills she is talking about. It’s hard to use anything when you feel hopeless. I just think this depression is never going to end because it’s gone on for two months now. The physical symptoms are still there. I still am not sleeping the way I should but my appetite is better. I wish the psychomotor retardation was gone. I’m still having slow thoughts at times. And I am feeling like I am walking through the mud.

We did get snow. A dusting so far but it’s still early. It’s supposed to continue around noon. I think I will be able to handle going out. I just have to find my boots.

I’m still thinking about death, my death. It would be easy if I had a place I can go to actually die but I don’t. I really don’t want to try something at home. I just have no where else to go. I can’t afford a hotel room. That would be ideal. I hate this feeling of being trapped. I wish I had a hideout place or something.

This episode of depression feels like I have never been depressed before in my life. I know that isn’t true and I know that I have had worse depressions than what I am feeling now. I am just so certain that this is going to last forever, that I am not going to get any relief. I think if it was going to pass, it would have passed by now and it just seems to be getting worse. I wasn’t hopeless and now that is increasing as time goes on. My heart is also feeling really heavy and I am not sure I can carry it. It’s the worst feeling in the world being weighed down by your feelings. It makes breathing difficult. It makes everything difficult. I have no energy to get myself dressed to go out. I have trouble reading as my concentration isn’t so great. I sometimes wonder what I was thinking when I increased my reading challenge to 40 books to read this year. I read 6 so far but I haven’t touched a book all week. I just have been reading Twitter and Facebook. I tried reading Dostoevsky last night and my eyes couldn’t keep on track as I was so tired. I finally figured out how to use the highlight function as a bookmark. I have so many books to read and I just am overwhelmed. I have an interest in reading but then I don’t. And I keep buying books because I am a bibliophilic. It’s so hard to read when you have depression. Usually, I can do it. This episode, I cannot. The attention span just isn’t there and neither is the interest. I have lost pleasure in reading. Least this depression I haven’t lost my taste buds. Things have flavor. Last depression, everything tasted bland.

I wish I could sleep. I am getting sleepy as my meds are kicking in. I hope I get to sleep till at least 0900. Otherwise, this day is going to suck.

Saturday Blog 45

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I emailed my psychiatrist the blog I wrote last night before bed. I haven’t heard anything so either she hasn’t read it or is not concerned. I had weird dreams last night. I also woke up around 0330 in pain. That was so much fun. Luckily I was able to get back to sleep but I feel really groggy.

My hopelessness is still kicking around. I had emailed a friend about my current mental status and she wants me to stay on the medication. She also told me I am not useless like I feel I am. She is a good friend. We both get each other.

I am still in pain after I woke up about an hour ago. I really need to rest my ankle so I won’t be going to the hospital today. My sister can visit him if she needs to. I know she is stressing out too.

One of the weird dreams I had was of me being back in the hospital, except the hospital was my house that I grew up in. It was weird because I was in pain so decided to go to my room to get some pain meds. I decided to take three pills in the dream. I didn’t give a fuck because I was angry. In the same dream my sister pissed me off because she told me to “buck up”. I yelled at her and told her not to ever tell me that again.

My mother is making chicken cutlets tonight for dinner. We haven’t had cutlets in a long time so I am glad she is making them. I just hope I can eat a few. My appetite hasn’t been to great today. I wanted to make eggs this morning but I went back to sleep and didn’t wake up till 1400. I made a French bread pizza for lunch. I barely finished it. Now all I want to do is go back to sleep.

While I was waiting for the pizza to cook, I watched a little baseball. It was weird because we were playing to cardinals and both teams were wearing red jerseys. Right now, the sox have the lead. Hope they don’t blow it. They have lost their last 10 games in a row. Not a good feeling.

I feel really depressed and exhausted. My thoughts are still slow. Last night, talking to the voices was painful. I would start a sentence and then stop in the middle of it because I couldn’t get the words out. I hope the sertraline can do something for this symptom of depression because it is so annoying.

I got to wash my pants and sweatpants some time today. I will need clean clothes for next week as I know I will be traveling to the hospital and then to my father’s apartment when he gets out. They are my favorite clothes right now so I really need to wash them. I also need to shower. I never had a chance to shower last night like I wanted to because the pain in my ankle got so bad. I could barely stand to take my meds last night. I keep my night meds on my bureau because it helps me to stretch after sitting for so long on my bed. I wouldn’t want to keep them on my night stand because it’s too tempting not to get up.

heart doesn’t know to stop beating

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Visited my father. It’s been one thing after another today. He was not in a talkative mood when we came by to see him. I think it was because he was hungry. He had half of the chicken they served for lunch and then he was full. He didn’t drink too much while we were there. My sister tried to get him to drink water but nope. He needs to undergo more testing and then he might be home Monday.

I am hurting. I am starting to think that going out today was probably not a good idea. I did a lot of walking. My ankle and foot are screaming at me. I had gone to the Square to get my Starbucks. I had a soy latte and did some writing in my journal. Then went to see my father. I was falling asleep on the train. I wanted to continue the train ride to the end of the stop rather than getting off, but I had to see my father and get a better understanding of what the plan was.

I have been feeling really depressed the past few days, more so than usual. I keep thinking of the loss of my father but I really can’t imagine it happening anytime soon. I was talking to a friend and she says I got to deal with it. I can’t right now. I haven’t thought about suicide or anything. I still don’t want to be here but killing myself is too much trouble. Soon as I can make it easy I will try though. I’m starting to feel hopeless that I am going to get better. I mean, how many depressive episodes am I to endure? My psychiatrist doesn’t think it’s a disability but I can’t work, I don’t have energy for self-care. I barely shower when I have these episodes or brush my teeth. I feel like death except I am alive. My heart just doesn’t know to stop beating. I am in chronic pain all the time, which doesn’t help the depressions because they feed off each other. I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.

I don’t think I will be visiting my father tomorrow unless my sister gives me a ride in. Taking public transportation has just been too much. I am in so much pain. I am exhausted from waiting around and then dealing with the stress of my father’s temperament. You never know if he is going to explode or not. And he wants everything done quickly. I really want my depression to be gone as quickly as it came but I have a feeling it’s going to be sticking around for sometime. I am not hopeful that the sertraline is going to help. I am still at a baby dose. I don’t increase it till Monday. Waiting is something I should be used to with this thing but I am just like my father in that I want to be better now, not later. Unfortunately, that’s not how mental illness works. With my father, he isn’t going to get better. He is going to get worse and then die. I wish I had that luxury, too.

Depression and its lies

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night I couldn’t sleep. Someone had mentioned how “useful” a screening questionnaire was for suicide assessment and all I could think was, seriously?? Where were you when Jobes mentioned it 20 years ago? It got me steamed. Then I thought of another more direct questionnaire that dealt with suicide and wonder why that wasn’t being utilized. My brain was going and going. I had to write down my notes on the subject because it was 0200 and if I started writing and reading, I had no hope of catching any sleep.

I had therapy. I cried at certain points. Emotions were hitting me like a wet rag. I tried to contain myself but couldn’t. We were talking about feeling like a burden, that she should leave me, and that she was better off without me. I really need to read the Interpersonal Theory a little better. Maybe when I start feeling these things, I can climb my way out of it. Depression lies. I still don’t have a full appetite but I am eating. The physical symptoms of depression are still present. And no amount of therapy can help with that.

I was feeling dizzy after therapy but I had to do an errand for my mother. I did it and my back went out. I had to sit for a long time before I could get up and walk again. I really had no interest in leaving the house but I really wanted a soy latte. I got dressed and waited at the bus stop. While at the bus stop, I was still feeling like crap and must of have thought a million times to go back home. The bus came and I got on it. I got my latte and then I wanted to leave. I forced myself to write for at least a half hour in my journal before catching the next bus home. I don’t remember what I wrote about. I emailed my psychiatrist again. I really didn’t want to. But my therapist was telling me that she wanted to see me because it’s been so long since we have talked. She is a good support for me so I should see her. The depression is telling me otherwise. It’s so hard fighting it. I haven’t heard back from her yet. I have a feeling I am not going to. I don’t know why I keep trying. I just feel like it’s hopeless.

I wrote down my thoughts of my therapy session after we ended. I wrote longer than I intended to but that is ok. No one is going to see it except me. I feel bad that this month I am not going to see my therapist. I will try and make up for it next month. I am ahead in my cell phone bill so I plan on saving that money. I need to start saving money if I can. I hate not having a dime to my name some months.

I haven’t emailed my psychiatrist about going back to sertraline. I feel that warrants an in person conversation. But if I can’t get an appointment with her, I don’t know what I am going to do. It’s not like I am not trying or am avoiding her. It’s just exhausting waiting for a response. I know she is busy. For all I know, she might not be in the clinic full time.

The temps are really messing with my lower back. Sciatica flared up earlier today and now my lower back is aching. I think the weight loss has something to do with it as well, but I could be wrong. I just know I am not eating anything else today. I am just not hungry. The latte killed whatever appetite that I had. All I had today was a handful of pretzel nuggets and a pop tart with some apple juice. This is the longest my appetite has been affected, going on a month and half now. I have lost 12 lbs. so far. I am being careful not to gain the weight back on, but with no appetite, it’s been easy to do. My therapist thinks my stomach has shrunk and that is why I am eating something small and getting full. Whatever works! If I can lose another eight pounds, I will be happy, weight wise, anyway. My jeans can fit me better.