venting about mental illness and suicide

Spent most of the day today watching my seven year old niece. She was playing on her computer while I was playing on mine. After I finished my games, I decided to read this new book I downloaded for research purposed, why do people have to die by suicide by Thomas Joiner, PhD. It is a good book so far and I find it stimulating. I have been taking notes which I probably will end up writing into a paper that I am working on.

I recently read an article about a mother who’s son has severe mental illness and behavior issues. Three days before the shoot out in CT, this mother had her son committed because he told her he was going to kill himself. The value of the message was to understand serious mental illness though I do not how much more serious mental illness can be. You have something that is mentally unstable. I have a serious mental illness that wants me to claim my life. I hear voices that taunt everything I do but I have never been violent towards another person and god help me, hope I never will. I just want to kill myself because I am a sorry excuse for a human being. I don’t blame my parents or my siblings for the way I turned out. It just happens to be who I am, I may not accept it but it is who I am. I know that some day I will ultimately end my life by my own hand. I know because I think about it every day. But I will NOT take another person’s life other than my own. Do I need to have a lifetime commitment because I am so suicidal? Probably but insurance companies don’t see it that way. As long as you are not in “imminent” danger to harm yourself or others, you cannot be allowed to stay in the hospital for more than a few days time, against your will. I have been there many times and even though I have chronic suicidality, I have never been kept beyond the three days or two weeks because of my suicidality. I might have been kept because the voices were telling me to harm myself, but never because I said I was suicidal after the three days. The mental health system is wrong and should be address these issues I am stating. Because maybe a longer admission is what I need to get better. I have intense psychotherapy with my therapist twice sometimes three times a week and still feel suicidal. I have been on every drug used for psychiatry and yet I still feel suicidal. How am I to live my life when I want to end it so much? How am I supposed to work and go to school when thinking about my death is all that matters to me? No hospital can change it. No psychiatrist can and no psychotherapist can. So the blame then gets shifted on to me. It’s my fault for not “wanting” to get better, that my negative attitude/emotions are what is causing me to be suicidal. If I change my attitude, I will be happier. It’s all bullshit. It’s not my fault being this way anymore than it’s a dying person with cancer fault because they have cancer. And believe me, I would much rather trade places with them because I know they are going to die while this “emotional cancer” is eating me alive and no one can see it. And no one wants to help me either. I can only save myself if I want to. Well, I give up. I don’t want to anymore. What purpose will living my life that I know is only going to end up six feet under. I have thought about cremation but the cost is the same. I thought about buying my own plot somewhere but I really don’t care what my family does with my remains. They are of no use to me anymore. So I am giving myself some time before I do it. And hopefully within this time frame things will change. Because if they don’t I am dead and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.

7 thoughts on “venting about mental illness and suicide

  1. It is quite all right and I suffer much like you do. From your post I think I might understand the mechanics of it a bit better but each person and their sanity is a little different from the next. I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Another book that you might want to read that is very very good on understanding mental illness is Undercurrents by Carol Manning. It is well worth the read.

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  2. you’re welcome. I hope my writing has been helpful to you. I was once thirteen! 🙂 The whole reason I created this blog was to help those in dire need so they knew they weren’t alone in what they were feeling. I just wish another blogger would realize that and come back but he has his own set of issues.

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  3. thanks again for helping i feel better by just reading that someone cares about me and is trying to help me. i feel that you are actually trustworthy and care if i die and it helps to have someone to talk to even if It’s on the internet. I’m just a bit scared of mental hospitals even for children I really don’t want to go there even tough I might need it, I’m only 13 and i have only 4 friends and It’s the girl I’m writing about and 3 of her friends but I don’t feel like talking to them about my problems it would mess our friendship up and i don’t want that because then I have no’one. i believe in you…

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  4. you can make it. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it’s an easy road but just trust that the way you feel now is not going to be the same in an hour or the next day, in the same level. It took me years to realize this and I know you can make it. just take it day to day like the AA moto. and what helped me the most is their credo, god help me accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. there is another quote that I will put up on my quotes page tomorrow. I hope you will read it and make a mental note of it. You can do it just like I can

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  5. you can make it. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it’s an easy road but just trust that the way you feel now is not going to be the same in an hour or the next day, in the same level. It took me years to realize this and I know you can make it. just take it day to day like the AA moto. and what helped me the most is their credo, god help me accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. there is another quote that I will put up on my quotes page tomorrow. I hope you will read it and make a mental note of it. You can do it just like I can

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  6. I really admire you for not giving up and i really hope that you get better because if you died i would be one of the people crying for you and you deserve all the help you can get. I suffer with you you’re a good person what i know you where just unlucky like many others inncluding me. And if you can make it then i think i can too.

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