Long Day 2

I had a very long day. I spent the early afternoon at Starbucks, where I wrote in my journal for a couple of hours. I then went to the hospital to see my father. They wanted to discharge him tonight but I convinced them to keep them one more night, just to be on the safe side as he lives alone. Then my sister took us out for dinner and drinks. I had a margarita that was not a good one. The stuff in the pre-made bottle was better than the one I had. It was such a waste of money.

All day today there were suicide prevention conferences that I was retweeting the tweets from. It was good information that I thought I would pass along. I have another book that I want to get but it doesn’t matter. I probably won’t ever be a clinician like I hope to be one day.

As I was visiting my father, the nurse for the patient in the next bed had to redraw the patient because “the lab lost the previous bloods”. A million scenarios went through my head as to why this happened. First off, it was only 2 hours old so the lab probably didn’t get it yet, the nurse put the wrong labels on the patient, misidentifying him, or the labs were there but haven’t been logged in yet. I had to hear how she “gave the lab a piece of her mind”. I so wanted to say something but the nurses on this floor are so stupid when it comes to lab work. Hell, she couldn’t even explain why the guy had a GI bleed so I knew she wasn’t the smartest apple in the crowd. What I would have given to say to her what I was thinking. I will never know the truth of what happened with those bloods.

I emailed my psychiatrist about everything that went on with me this week. I told her I haven’t been eating and have lost weight. I just have zero appetite and then when I do eat, I can’t finish what I made. Tonight my sister took us to my favorite wing place. Usually I can finish the wings. There are like eight pieces. I must have eaten five before I was full. I barely touched the rice it came with. It was the only thing I had to eat today. I also told her about the syncope episode I had the other day. I know it’s probably due to me not eating regularly. I mentioned that I haven’t been taking my meds either, consistently this week because I am too tired at night to count out 12 pills, that because of my father’s hospitalization, I couldn’t fill my pill box Sunday. I hope she doesn’t reprimand me. I am too depressed for it to go well.

I feel like I lost a week because I have been back and forth to the hospital and doing things for my father. It’s just been a long week. I haven’t done any writing and I am sad because of this.

Feeling Weird

Feeling Weird

I just finished a chapter in “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. This book just gets weirder and weirder as it goes along. But I am feeling weird. I am dizzy and lightheaded, even though I am sitting down. I feel like the voices are getting stronger and louder. I am becoming unnerved, like everything is bothering me and I don’t know what that everything is.

I am really tired and I know I should get some sleep. Maybe I am entering a dissociative state. I really want to die. The voices want me to die. They keep telling me to take this or that bottle of pills. I am in a lot of pain. And now my pinky toe on my good foot is hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. I didn’t bang it recently or anything. I am so pissed off that I have another ache to deal with. I nearly choked on one of my pills tonight. It wouldn’t go down and I couldn’t cough it up. I was scared. But then I drank some more powerade and it went down, thankfully. I seriously need to cut this pill in half or something. I will ask the pharmacist if I can do this.

I am starting to feel dangerous. But not out of the control dangerous. This cold that I have is making me crazy because I can’t breathe through my nose. One side of my nostrils get clogged up and then it will clear and then the other side will get clogged up. It’s a repeating pattern that has been going on for several days now. I keep blowing out clear stuff so I know I don’t have an infection. My sister thinks it’s dust bunnies that are making me sick. If that were the case, I would be dead as I still haven’t cleaned my ceiling fan. Voices are after me to clean it, too. I just am lazy to clean it. It won’t take that long. But I feel that I can’t stand too long to do it and will have pain afterwards.

I want to text my therapist that I am not doing ok. I might send this blog to my psychiatrist so she knows I am not doing okay. I just don’t want to go into the hospital. They will just drug me up there and I don’t want to be drugged up. I rather be drugged up at home. Plus they will fuck up my medication and I will be taking twice the number of pills that I am currently taking. NO way, Jose. I am not going to sit at the nurses station/med counter with 30 pills to take because they don’t have the doses I currently take. Fuck that. And it won’t do no good anyway. They don’t understand about psychosis and stress, the hospital not my treatment team. I just want to be left alone, maybe have a few check ins with my pdoc and then be ok. I know this will settle down once I get the MRI report. That is what is stressing me out big time. It is no fun having surgery or the possibility of surgery hanging over your head.

I had spasms again today in my bad foot. It is driving me crazy because I am getting them 304 times a week now. I don’t know what to do about it other than to take an Ativan for it. It’s the only think that settles it down. And then I am toast for the day. It hurts to walk afterwards as I am so sore from the contractions. I really don’t want to live anymore. I am so done with this crap. I thought I was going to be fine this New year and not have suicidal thoughts. I was wrong. I want to be dead more now than ever. Maybe I should take a swim in the Charles River. I can go after my appointment for the MRI. I am right there.

Meds are kicking in as well as the Nyquil for this cold. Still can’t breathe but maybe if I lie down, it will clear up…

Shneidman’s Psychache Theory

“From the view of psychological factors in suicide, the key element in every case is psychological pain; psychache. All affective states (such as rage, hostility, depression, shame, guilt, affectiveness, hopelessness, etc.) are relevant to suicide only as they relate to unbearable psychological pain. If, for example, feeling guilty or depressed or having a bad conscience or an overwhelming unconscious rage makes one suicidal, it does so because it is painful. No psychache, no suicide”. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache p56

 

Psychache is the unbearable guilt, despair, hopelessness, shame, pain, depression, and press one feels when thinking about suicide. It is the corner stone of what this paper is about. The pain of the mind can cause constriction, a narrowing of view of things. It can also lead to perturbation (an unrest that causes one to feel like doing something to alleviate the uneasiness one feels) and also to press, which is also known as stress or the pressure and weight one feels under. The combination of these three things, press, perturbation, and psychache is what is known as the cubic model of suicide.

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The cubic model of suicide is a 1-5 rating of the three things I just mentioned. The higher the rating, the higher the likelihood of suicide. The worst rating is a 5-5-5 scenario and suicide will be imminent. It is important to rate these items when dealing with a suicidal person. It will validate what they are feeling and make them feel at ease in talking about what is causing them to feel so pressured and hurt to make them think of killing themselves.

When dealing with constriction, the dichotomous thinking that a) suicide is the only way out or b) things are always going to stay the same, it is important to always bring in more options to the person so they can see things differently. In his book Suicide as Psychache, Shneidman gives the example of a young pregnant woman who was thinking of killing herself with a handgun. She couldn’t have the baby so therefore in her mind, suicide was the only way out. After discussing several options with her (calling her parents, having the baby and giving it up for adoption, discussing the situation with the baby’s father, etc.), it was agreed that the woman would call the baby’s father. Suicide was no longer the number one item on the list. To prevent a mishap, Shneidman did take the gun away from the woman. An excellent example about means restriction.

In almost every suicidal thinking, there is some measure of lethality and perturbation. You can have high lethality and high perturbation, but you don’t always have high perturbation with high lethality. Perturbation, as described above, is very much like anxiety. It is a perturbed feeling that causes one to feel pressured to do something. Lethality is the doing something.

Also in every case of suicidal thinking is the frustrated needs that bring about the suicidal feelings.

ABATEMENT The need to submit passively; to belittle oneself

ACHIEVEMENT To accomplish something difficult; to overcome

AFFILIATION To adhere to a friend or group; to affiliate

AGGRESSION To overcome opposition forcefully; fight, attack

AUTONOMY To be independent and free; to shake off restraint

COUNTERACTION To make up for loss by retrieving; get even

DEFENDANCE To vindicate the self against criticism or blame

DEFERENCE To admire and support, praise emulate a superior

DOMINANCE To control, influence, and direct others; dominate

EXHIBITION To excite, fascinate, amuse, entertain others

HARMAVOIDANCE To avoid pain, injury, illness, and death

INVIOLACY To protect the self and one’s psychological space

NURTURANCE To feed, help console, protect, nurture another

ORDER To achieve organization and order among things and ideas

PLAY To act for fun; to seek pleasure for its own sake

REJECTION To exclude, banish, jilt, or expel another person

SENTIENCE To seek sensuous, creature-comfort experience

SHAME-AVOIDANCE To avoid humiliation and embarrassment

SUCCORANCE To have one’s needs gratified; to be loved

UNDERSTANDING To know answers; to know the hows and whys

These twenty needs are what Shneidman has called the essential ones when people are suicidal. Most of them are not all twenty but five or six as it pertains to the individual. “The prevention of suicide with a highly lethal person is then primarily a matter of addressing and partially alleviating those frustrated psychological needs that are driving that person to suicide. The rule is simple. Mollify the psychache”. (p53) Shneidman believed that these frustrated needs are what caused psychache.

I believe there should be another need, validation. Everyone needs to be validated in order to feel secure and feel okay. Without this, most people feel shamed and dumb, that what they are feeling or experiencing has no meaning or purpose. They may also feel empty and alone as no one understands what they are going through. This need when frustrated or thwarted can lead to suicide.

Shneidman, Edwin. Suicide as Psychache. 1993. Jason Aronson, Inc.

Christmas 2015

Christmas 2015

Merry Christmas to all my readers!!

I woke up to a bad dream where I thought my mother had fallen. I rushed to her room, half asleep, to find her okay. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep because of the adrenaline rush. When I did wake up, I had a migraine. I took some meds and then a shower. That helped. I texted my friends and family Merry Christmas and surprisingly got a text from my BFF from childhood. It was good to hear from him.

Christmas will be at my sister’s house this year. I am happy about that. I can stay in PJs and just go downstairs. My leg is already giving me trouble and I really just want to stay close to home as possible. Just taking the shower exhausted me.

It’s still warm and to my surprise, my mother has the back door open. It’s good to have fresh air in the house. This has to be the warmest Christmas on record. I hope tonight, after dinner and all, I can watch “Coat of Many Colors”. It’s about Dolly Parton and my favorite country singer plays her mom. It got such rave reviews that they are re-airing it on Christmas. I wish I could record it but my TiVo is still dead. I tried reviving it while waiting for my Chinese food to arrive yesterday and no luck. It just won’t boot up. I will try and get a new one some time next year. I just feel bad because I won’t be able to watch my shows until I get a new one. I will have to watch them in real time and I hate commercials. It’s lovely to watch an hour program in 40-45 mins.

I placed my grocery order last night but I missed the sale for my powerade so paid regular price, again. I can never catch it when it’s on sale. Delivery will be Sunday as Saturday was a holiday. Maybe Stop and Shop celebrates Boxing Day.