Tag: living with CES

a migraine rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, medical, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

3-Dec-2012

I got a migraine today and it sucks. My face is numb and it feels like someone is driving an ice pick in my right eye. I don’t think I will go out today as the weather is too bright. Sometimes I wish I could put a dimmer switch for days like today.

 

I am scheduled for an MRI tomorrow night. I find this kind of scary because I know my head is going to be examined and my back is going to pay the price. I can’t lay flat for too long. I am going to need a muscle relaxer and pain meds to get through this. The reason I am going for the mRI is because I have been experiencing blurry vision despite getting new glasses. I don’t know if it is migraine activity that is causing this or what but I don’t like it and my eye doc is concerned. I have made an appt with a neuro-opthlamalogist. I saw this guy last year when my visual field showed some new defects. I still have the unexplained defect. The doc thinks it is just an atypical migraine causing this. I just hope that that is the case and nothing more serious is going on.

 

Sometime this week I have to trek out to Brookline and pay a parking ticket so I can renew my driver’s license. Sucks that this is the hold up to me renewing. I already paid Cambridge. Hopefully this is the last time a parking ticket stops me from renewing. Last time I had three tickets, all from the city I live in because of “ticket day” A.K.A street cleaning. I swear it is just a way for the city to collect revenue as the machines do not clean the streets anyways. I am glad I don’t have a car anymore to worry about which side of the street to park on. It’s now I think $100 per citation. CRAZY!! Just to “clean” the street. It is awful.

 

I think I’ll make myself some coffee. Maybe that will kill this migraine…

Never made the coffee as I was too lazy to clean the pot. I use a French press and I have not cleaned it out. I did tonight so I can make coffee tomorrow. Migraine has subsided though my vision is still messed up. It keeps on going in and out, the more I try and focus, the worse it gets. It is pissing me off to no end.

 

On another note:

I am HATING the commercials for Cymbalta. I am hating how they are promoting an antidepressant for back pain. I take Cymbalta, and it does not help my pain one bit!! And I have been taking it for a long time. It does help with my depression. I find that I am less weepy and suicidal when I take it. Hence why it is an ANTIDEPRESSANT!! I think it is false advertising in the FULL effect for this drug. It also helps with the neuropathy some what that I have, which is another use of this drug and I am on a low dose (20 mg). I find that my burning foot hurts less when I take, though it will do nothing for the flare ups I have when I spasm/cramp up. I can see people overdosing on this because they will just think it is “safe” because it is not a narcotic. So when they are in pain, they will pop it like Tylenol. I find this disturbing. And I don’t like the depression hurts bullshit. I have also found it does NOTHING for my psychic pain. Yes, depression does hurt. In fact it can lead to suicide and hence kill you. But like I say, people who are in pain can become desperate very quickly, like I did and maybe a little more should be paid to that. Would it kill a PCP to ask if they are suicidal before prescribing this medication? I don’t see how anyone but a neurologist or a psychiatrist can prescribe this drug for the safety of their patients. My neurologist takes the time to get to know me and actually wants me to live a happier lifestyle. But I can never be happy because I am not a happy person. I suffer too much and when you suffer you just cannot put on a happy face all the time. It becomes exhausting. I think that is why since going on disability I have felt a certain freedom. I know it is because I am no longer forced to pretend that I am happy, to show the world the other side that no one sees. Course I will say I am kind of lonely because I don’t have any contact with my co-workers nor do I have an active social life anymore. I might go out with a friend once a month, if that. But that is it. I have not left the house since Friday. I just cannot be bothered to get dressed to get a cup of Joe. I just sit in my room, playing on my laptop, writing blogs, and listening to my Taylor Swift. I order food and have gained a lot of weight because of my inactivity. Do I care, not so much. I have never been concerned about my weight. Course it is a thing I hate about myself but the only other thing I can do is starve myself and what fun is that? I love food and it loves me. What difference does it make I don’t know. Should I diet? Yes, I should but diet implies that I actually give a shit. I just got a twitter message that says the human body needs 1000-1500 calories a day to survive. If I stay within that limit, maybe I will lose weight. I will eat protein bars and have smoothies. Which reminds me I still have yogurt in the fridge I have not eaten yet. I am addicted to Chobani’s Champion yogurt. It is a Greek yogurt and is mixed berries. I love it!

Frustrating day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

I got the cookie dough that I ordered weeks ago and wanted to make cookies tonight but that didn’t happen. Both of my feet have decided that if I try and stand on them, they will attack me with cramps. So I am again stuck in bed to rest my legs and feet. I sometimes wish I had a TV in my room just to have something to do other than this laptop. I know I can watch movies and such on it and can probably watch HULU episodes of stuff but I like to sit on the couch and watch TV not on my bed. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do like to watch a good movie while snuggling with my pillow. But other times I rather watch it in my living room so I can have a snack and drink something without having crumbs in my room.

Had a doc appt that went ok though now he wants me to see a surgeon for my CES issues. I’m scared as I never had to deal with this before and it is an embarrassing issue. It has to deal with the bowel. I no longer have normal function of my bowel since my second CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) diagnosis. I can have accidents of my bladder as well.

The reason I have been referred to a surgeon is because my farts are causing me to have hemorrhoids and there is some fecal incontinence as well. CES’ers like to call these “Sharts”. I find them killing my dignity and sending me into a suicidal crisis every time I have an accident. It’s not that often, but it has been becoming more frequent with my bowels being more “softer” than they have been. I’m not sure if it is because of the new diet pill I have been taking or what but whatever makes me go poop, I am for it. I usually take Senna for it as it is the only thing that works without horrible stomach cramps.

The loss of dignity is what kills me inside every time I urinate on myself or have a loose bowel or my childhood favorite, skid marks. Those usually happen because I didn’t realize I didn’t stop pooping.

This has been difficult to write and I want you to know this because I think there maybe a few people out there in similar circumstances but think they are alone. Those with this nerve injury are constantly fighting their dignity and what it was to be normal every day of their lives. It take a tremendous effort to get through the day without falling apart every day. Today I couldn’t make cookies and it bummed me out. But tomorrow I can, possibly. Well I hope to before Thanksgiving anyways. I know there are people out there that say make each day count but when you only have so many spoons to deal with, it makes each day harder and harder. What is ok for today might not be that way tomorrow. I know that I stood too long today while talking with my former co-workers and that is why my feet are angry with me.

The bowels are a mess because I don’t go every day. Chronic constipation from medications suck. If I don’t take Senna every day or every other day, I suffer from horrible gas and the wet farts that cause hemorrhoids and make my bottom uncomfortable. And now I have to have someone check my bottom for something or for advice on what to do with this incontinence that I wish I didn’t have. I just hope that it doesn’t cause me to become a suicidal maniac…