Tag: mental illness

Back Pain Sucks when It Rains

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain Sucks when it Rains

Since around 0130, my back went out on me and I haven’t been able to move around too much. I had my sister go to my father’s for his pills. There was no way I could do it as I couldn’t move. I really wanted to get donuts today but it will have to wait another day. As long as I stay still, I am not in too much pain. Laying down has its challenges. If I try to move to another position, I am hurting. It sucks. And the thing is, the rain stopped so I don’t know why I am hurting so much.

I wanted to get my hair cut today. That is also not happening. I just need to rest and move as gingerly as possible. I just made myself lunch and now need a nap. I am trying to increase my fluids, thinking that will help. I also took some naprosen to ease the inflammation. I would have taken the NSAID I normally take but I just took what was handy. I can’t stand too long. Sitting I am ok, so far. I am really tired, probably because of the meds and not sleeping too good last night. With me being cooped up, I really hope I can finish the Harry Potter book today. It is a goal that I want to accomplish. The witch that I had trouble with was taken away and shouldn’t cause anymore problems. But I know one of the characters dies in the last few chapters so I am not looking forward to it. This book is quite a bit of emotion.

Mail hasn’t come yet and I hope the battery for this laptop comes in today, but it could be tomorrow. I will be happy when I get the new battery. This one is deader than a door nail. I don’t know what I am going to do with it. I suppose I will have to go to Staples and see if they take laptop batteries to recycle them.

My ankle is acting up. Not surprised as it has to hurt whenever another body part hurts. I haven’t don’t any walking, just going up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom and make myself some lunch. I guess it didn’t like the stairs too much. Oh well. I need to keep using it or it will just atrophy away. And that would not be good. I probably am putting more weight on my ankle than I need to because I can’t walk right. I am walking hunched over at the moment. Any attempts to straighten out my spine while standing causes intense pain. My whole lumbar area is wiped out. I feel like I have an invisible band and any attempt to loosen it or get rid of it, I am in a lot of pain. The temperature has also gone up ten degrees, which isn’t helping me. Yesterday it was 47. It is now 73. OUCH. My back cannot take drastic increases or decreases in temperatures. I am still wearing just my underwear because I put away my short PJs. I am not really planning on leaving my room anyways so I can stay in my underwear. No one is going to see me. I would put the ceiling fan on but that would take effort. I just don’t have the effort right now. If it gets warmer, I will have no choice as I cannot stand the heat.

I was so looking forward to having donuts today. It’s not fair that I can’t have them. I have no idea how much it costs for a dozen. I haven’t bought a dozen donuts in so long, but my mother has been craving jelly donuts, too, so I will share with her. I wish the donut place delivered. That would be so awesome.

Last night, when I sent out my latest quote, one of the suicidologists that I follow liked the quote. Apparently, he has used the same quote in his book. I felt honored that he recognized it. Tonight will be another Shneidman quote. I have quite a few lined up. It’s funny, I was looking at the first page of the book and it listed a counselor’s name that I don’t know. He is from Alabama. The sticker is too adhered to the page so I am unable to remove it. It just makes me curious why this counselor would want to get rid of such a wonderful book. Maybe he is no longer in practice or he died or something. It has my curiosity piqued.

I have yet to receive the October edition of the journal Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior. It has a few articles that I really want. I could get it on this old laptop but I won’t be able to print it out. So I am holding back. That is why I want this new battery to come sooner rather than later.

Quote of the Day 29 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide

The primary thought disorder in suicide is that of a pathological narrowing of the mind’s focus, called constriction, which takes the form of seeing only two choices: either something painfully unsatisfactory or cessation. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Quote of the Day 28 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicide

Suicide is both a logical and psychological phenomenon. As a logical thought disorder it is fueled by an individual’s emotional turmoil and grounded in his psychological history.  Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Good Day in Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Good day in therapy

I had therapy this afternoon and it went well. We talked about my stressors over the weekend and the night where I was up till 0600. I told her in detail of what had kept me up and where I kind of didn’t know why I kept avoiding bed. I honestly don’t know what I was doing in the wee hours of the morning.

I told her that my application for Zipcar had to be put on hold because my laptop has priority at the moment. She seemed okay with this but really was again pushing for another therapist. She wanted to give me some names and I refused to take them. She wants me to have the best care, which she feels she is unable to do because of the phone. She said she isn’t going anywhere and she isn’t mad at me. I told her that if we continue, she needs to shut up more and let me talk. Not every problem needs fixing. I am using my old laptop to see if it can do what I want to do. My box came for my “baby” but with the battery still not charging, I want to make sure I can get by until the new batter comes in, which will be later this week.

Overall, I say it was a good session until she started bringing up her consulting group telling her this was no good and that I would be better off with someone else. I had a feeling someone else was behind the idea of seeing someone new. I am grateful her phone has been having difficulties so she hasn’t called the center number I gave her. It’s in my area, though it will take two buses to get there. I wish I could just walk down the long street but I just can’t. It’s too hilly and my ankle would not like it at all. The other people she was suggesting I see were DBT based therapists but not strictly DBT. I have no idea if they would take my insurances. The whole idea fills me with tremendous anxiety. This is why I haven’t seen my neurologist because I am not sure how much I will have to pay to see her.

We also discussed how I was doing and I told her about the email I sent to my psych. I still haven’t heard back from her, but she is away so might not have a chance. I told my therapist that I am just frustrated with the depression coming all the time and not being able to breath sometimes because it is so heavy. I also told her I told my psych that I am frustrated with the depression and that nothing can be done about it.

I have figured out a way not to get distracted on the phone with my therapist and that is by putting on the “do not disturb” function on my phone. It worked today, though I didn’t get any phone calls. Yesterday while I was on the phone with Dell, I must have had three phone calls during the hour I was on the phone. I never get phone calls, only when I use my phone. Yesterday was also the record for calls. I used my phone quite a bit. I am glad I have unlimited minutes because I am sure that I would have used more than 450 yesterday alone.

My therapist proposed having a schedule where we get caught up and then we work on something. She wants me to continue texting and blogging her with ideas that I have that could be helpful for us. I told her it would be nice if we collaborated more on stuff rather than her always talking about spoons or how stressed I am. That isn’t really helpful to me because, duh, I already know. I also told her to drop the subject of my father as my arrangement with him is not going to change. Even if I am sick, I would have to do his meds. Though if I am really sick, I don’t think exposing him to my virus will be a good idea. He is not a well man and can’t take it. But as long as I am healthy, I still plan on going over there every week, even though it’s a pain in the ass to see the ungrateful bastard.

We talked about the possibility of going to the commuter rail that does go to her town but she said she is no where close to the downtown area. I guess that is where the train will let you off. I have never travelled there so I don’t know the layout. But even if I were, it would be an all day affair and I just don’t think that is worth it for 50 minutes. So that idea is shut down. I’ll just have to figure out how to get Zipcar.