Tag: mental illness

an injustice and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been up for the past hour or so. I am in pain and I am not happy about it. It’s raining cats and dogs so I probably won’t go out. It still is muggy though so I have the AC running. I wonder if the rain is what is causing my good ankle to be so sore. I really need to eat something so I can take my NSAID. Hopefully that will help this pain.

While I was up, I read my Twitter feed and a friend posted an article about how a young man died in jail while waiting for a psych bed at the state mental hospital where he was ordered. Cause of death is unknown at this time, but it is not a suicide or homicide. The man was very sick. He had stopped eating, was covered in his own filth as some psych patients get when they are untreated. I find it hard to believe that the people who run the jail didn’t notice his demise and didn’t do anything to get this man the help he so desperately needed. According to the article and the buzz around Twitter, jails are becoming warehouses for the mentally ill because there are no psych beds available. It is sad that they keep on making more jails than psych wards. And what is even more staggering, is they keep closing units left and right. In my own community when I first moved here, there was a mental hospital and three psych units at the local hospital (2 adults and one for kids). Now there is just one adult unit and that is it. The hospital closed because of budget cuts and so did the other units. That is just in my area. I am sure that is the case in other communities as well. Let’s cut the psych unit before all others because who cares about the patients. And now they are wondering why there is a mental health crisis. Good lord.

It bothers me that this young man died all because he was in jail and didn’t get the care that he needed. Course, jail isn’t for folks like him. They do belong in a psych ward but why did no one visit him? Why didn’t his lawyer check up on him? All these questions and no answers. And you know the jail is going to be covering their ass in this day and age when the system is under fire. The guy didn’t do anything wrong, really. He stole $5 worth of snacks and got a death sentence in return. Just doesn’t seem right for a misdemeanor. $5 and within something like 50 days, he was dead. Just so wrong, very wrong.

I don’t know what I am going to do today. I wish my day didn’t start so damn early. If my mother goes to my aunt’s, maybe I will watch the season finale of CSI. I recorded it but haven’t watched it yet, like many of my shows. I still haven’t finished watching Rizzoli and Isles episodes. Though I think I didn’t record a couple because Maura’s father hasn’t been introduced yet. He was played by David Ogden Styers. He also played in M*A*S*H as Winchester. He is a wonderful actor. I could have a M*A*S*H marathon. I had bought the whole DVD collection because it was on sale at Best Buy. It’s one of my favorite comedy shows. I love Hawkeye and Frank. They are so funny. I really missed Frank when he left the show.

I have therapy later this afternoon. I hope no one calls me like they did yesterday. My mother called and then someone else did too. The one time I am on the phone, everyone decides to call me. My phone is silent the rest of the day. I just don’t get it. I think I have figured out a way to see her at least once a month, in person. I just hope it works. Otherwise, I am back to just the phone and not seeing her at all. If it does work, then I won’t have to change my father’s doctor either.

I hope to get some reading done today. I still have not finished the Harry Potter book, yet. I realized it’s because I really hate one of the characters in the book and can’t stand reading about how mean she is and a bully, though she tries to play it off like she is wonderful and kind. It’s not my favorite book because I know what happens in the end and I don’t like it. I guess that is another reason I haven’t finished it. I am half way through and soon as I am done with HP, I plan on reading about the Lusitania. I really should finish “American Gods” but that book is very creepy. It’s one of Neil Gaiman’s books. I didn’t realize he wrote so many books. He is a brilliant writer.

ARGH, Another Pain Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

ARGH, another pain day

I woke up this morning and I was fine. I made a phone call to my PCP to find out if my prescription was ready to be picked up and it was. So I set out to go into town and get it. I was feeling okay, not 100%. I am never 100% but felt good enough to venture out. I really wanted to stay home and relax but I wanted my Hawaiian coffee. I stayed at Starbucks for about an hour before heading to town. By the time I finished walking to the PCP’s office and back to the train station, my ankle started up on me. I just missed the 1230 bus so would have to catch the 1330 bus, which meant having to wait a half hour at the station. I was feeling really worn out and just wanted to go home but I wanted to fill the prescription and then not have to go out tomorrow. So as I was waiting in line at the pharmacy counter, my ankle had enough. It screamed and I almost gave out a little yell. I couldn’t believe it. It has never done this before. Luckily, I was called next, then sat to wait for the script. I was grateful to sit down a bit or I would be crying.

I had tweeted Walgreens over the weekend to say I was upset with their customer care. They got the details and while I was at Starbucks, the manager called to apologize. She agreed someone should have called me to tell me what was going on with my prescription (Zofran). She apologized and said that she would call me back when the issue was taken cared of. Apparently, because their system was down, my insurance thought I picked it up and then was trying to refill it so it wouldn’t go through again. They had to cancel out the transaction to let me have my meds. It was complicated and then three hours later when I went to pick it up, it still wasn’t ready. So glad I didn’t go when she said it would be fifteen minutes! In the end, it helps to complain to upper management to get things done. I know some people have problems with the alerts and I keep getting refill reminders more than I get prescription ready alerts. It helps to also have Twitter as a go to for getting customer care. I seriously doubt I would have the meds ready when I came if the manager hadn’t called me this morning. I would have had to wait longer for them to figure the damn thing out and I would again be out of my meds for possibly another day. There would be no way I would be able to wait longer than 15 minutes anyway. My bladder was telling me it was time to go home and my ankle was already crying. It needed to be put up, like it is now. I desperately needed to take a pain med so needed to come home as soon as possible.

I am glad I didn’t buy the Hawaiian coffee because I don’t like it hot. I would have to make it iced and I am just not that talented. I was able to get my Brazil Sertaozinho today. I can’t wait to make that coffee tomorrow. It’s like milk chocolate in a coffee cup. I have had that iced and hot and enjoy it. It’s probably the only thing that I enjoy right now. My mother was confused as to why I bought another bag of coffee. I told her it was different flavors. Really, they are just different places where the coffee is produced. I forget where my Kati Kati is made, but I still have that, household blend, and soon will have Pike’s Place. I am not going to get Pike’s grounded until I am done with the household blend. I have a quarter of a bag left.

I am not planning on doing anything today. I do have to eat something as I really didn’t have breakfast or lunch today. I had a ring ding this morning but I don’t think that counts as breakfast. I am totally wiped so I need to rest a bit before I try and make myself something to eat. While at Walgreens I was able to get some shredded cheese so I can use it for my burrito. I might make eggs. Or I might make a turkey sandwich. I just remembered I bought some turkey breast with my online grocery order. I am so glad I can order groceries online. It is so convenient and doesn’t hurt me. I can order them and have them delivered and I don’t have to carry the bags up the stairs. I just have to put them away. I won’t order eggs again, however. I had to get a credit because two eggs were broken out of the dozen and a half that I ordered. It was something that I feared would happen.

I tried getting a hold of my therapist today but she must be really busy as she hasn’t gotten back to me yet. Now that it’s late in the afternoon, I don’t think she will. I am just feeling really out of sorts and depressed. This pain is really throwing me for a loop. Just when I think I have made it go away, it flares up on me again. It is really bringing me down. I am not suicidal but I wish someone would take me out of my misery. I can’t stand being in pain every day. You would think that I would be used to it by now but it’s not something you ever get used to. Today I went out and did a few things but tomorrow I will have to rest. I might have to rest Wednesday too because Thursday is going to be a long day. I have to deal with my father and then I have my pdoc appointment in the afternoon. I haven’t quite decided how I am going to get to the red line as my father is on the orange. I will have to time it right to get to where I need to go, which means more walking and traveling. I don’t know if my ankle is up for the task. It kills me that I can’t do things every day like “normal” people do. I will have the Friday and the weekend to recover but I don’t know if my mental health will. I am just getting really annoyed that this pain hasn’t let up despite rest and pain meds. Or it has and then soon as I am a little bit active, I am in agony all over again. I am glad I have the energy to do things but paying for the efforts just isn’t fun. It outright, just sucks.

In a Shitty Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a Shitty mood

I’m in a shitty mood right now. Pain has come back with a vengeance and have been trying to come up with a way to take my night meds without hurting myself more. If I stand on my foot, the pain is temporarily stopped but soon as I get off, it returns worse than before. I took some pain meds fifteen minutes ago so I am hoping the pain will ease some and then I can stand up and take my meds. I should have taken them when I came back from the bathroom but thought it was too early. Then my medication app went off and I started cursing. This pain has gone on for about a week now. It is dragging me down into a well and I know soon I will be thinking about ending my life if it continues. Either that or ways of chopping my foot off. Just cut the part that hurts away and I will be better. Least that is my theory, though I know it won’t be true. My nerves will have a field day and a half should I attempt it. So cutting off the affected limb is out.

It’s really stressful to be in pain every day. Yesterday I got notification that I will receive my disability payments until I am 65. I found that it was depressing. It means I can no longer join the work force. That I am truly disabled and I don’t like being disabled. I thought I made peace with this idea of not being able to work but was hopeful that once the LTD stopped, I could face the possibility of finding a part time job. Now that doesn’t seem likely. I can’t go to college and I can’t work. What the hell am I going to do 24/7? Sure I will sleep for at least 6 hours so that will leave what, 18 hours to do something? I can write but it only comes in spurts. Sure I write on my blog frequently but it’s not the same as writing for my book, which I have my doubts on. I know I might sell a few copies of the new book, but I doubt it will be as much as my first book. Or maybe it will be more because it’s concentrated on something else. I don’t know, it’s frustrating because I know I will never be a Neil Gaiman or a Lawrence Block. My writing is just not that great all the time. Even my stories that I have posted on my blog don’t get read that wildly. I am just a dark writer and unless I find a dark audience, the material is just not going to go anywhere.

I have thought about what I am going to do with my check now that it is secured. Maybe I can save up for a college class online and see how that goes. There is a psychology class that is available only in the summer at UMB that I have been dying to take. It will take some budgeting but I think I can do it by next April. I also want to go on a trip to see my friends out in California. One lives there and three others have moved there. It would be nice to see them again. Then I have a friend in Texas that I have been dying to see since she left Boston. My cousin also just moved there so I will be killing two birds with one stone. Least I hope so. Texas is a big state and unfortunately, my friend lives on one end and my cousin is in the middle. Not close together so it will take some planning. Least she is closer to him now than she was before. So next check will be a huge saving deal where I put money aside for travel and some aside for college. But all of this is mute if I end up dead because of this fucking pain that won’t go away. This is the second month that I have had a bad flare up where I had to take strong pain meds to quiet it down. I thought after the good day I had earlier I would be fine. All that changed when the pain became intense that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Sometimes the pain goes away if I don’t pay attention to it and then there are times when doing that just intensifies it. I guess getting the migraine earlier out of the blue really caused my mood to shift.

It started while I was watching the OSU game. Western Michigan had the ball at their 2 yard line and the crowd noise went ballistic. I know the volume on the TV was loud but the crowd noise made it amplify. I should have known I was getting a migraine but didn’t think nothing of it. My mother came to the kitchen so I switched TVs. I watched from the living room and my head started hurting. I was also becoming irritable and tired. I was watching baseball and every time I switched games, from football to baseball, I felt like I was watching golf as the baseball game was so quiet compared to the football game. I watched baseball during halftime and then when they place Ogando in whatever inning it was, I went to my room. I can’t stand to watch him pitch because he loves giving up the long ball (homerun). But he did good today, kept the shut out. It wasn’t until I heard a saw running that my head exploded with pain. My sister is doing construction in her kitchen. They were still working on it from this morning. I immediately took my migraine pill before nausea could set in. I guess that was why I was sick the other day. If the nausea lasts more than 24 hours, I usually end up with a migraine some where in the next day or so. This is why I need my Zofran. I know it’s the weekend but I should be able to have them fill it. If it doesn’t cost too much, maybe I will pay out of pocket if insurance is the issue. I can’t imagine it can be but I won’t know until someone picks up the damn phone and tells me why they can’t fill it. If they need a diagnosis, I can tell them but they probably want it from my doc, which means having to wait till Monday. I will try tomorrow to get someone in the pharmacy and then if I don’t get someone, I will tweet walgreens to make a stink. Sometimes I get a faster response tweeting than I do on the phone.

I really am trying not to let the pain get the best of me but it is so fucking hard. I am in such a shitty mood. I need to take my night meds so I can try and get some sleep. But the throbbing is so incessant. I just need about 5 minutes to stand to take my meds and then be back on my comfy bed. I don’t think that is asking too much after all the walking I did and stair climbing, it should be a piece of cake. But no, not tonight. The ball of my foot is being prodded so viciously and angrily. It’s in my between the last two metatarsals of my foot. And the pain is going to the side of my foot near my ankle. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome sucks so bad. I guess I should be grateful that it’s a mild case and not severe as it can be. Doesn’t mean I like it very much. This is why I am disabled, aside from my mental illness. My mental illness is the 1st diagnosis that lead to me being disabled. Then you add my physical disability and whammo, I can’t work anymore. I really can’t stand this. Being in mental pain is one thing. I thought, at one point, being in physical pain was better. How wrong was I? Terribly wrong. I only thought it was better because there would be medication for it. But I soon found out that being in pain all the time screws up pathways and shit that medications just don’t touch. I would have to take Neurontin and my opioids to get total relief for ONE day. But the problem with the Neurontin is that it makes me hungry and I need to watch my fucking weight. So I don’t take it unless I absolutely have to. It’s hard to tell when I am having a nerve pain attack and when this is physical pain that is only helped by narcs. Usually in this flare up, I have to take a Neurontin or a dozen to get relief. And I do mean a dozen. I will take a handful and then be fine for a week. Then I know it was nerve pain and not physical pain. It’s been an hour since I took the pain meds and now my foot has calmed down so I know that it was physical pain. It’s still throbbing but with less intensity. I can now take my night time meds and try to go to sleep. Maybe the shitty mood will be gone by morning.

Hypos Return, Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hypos return, Again

I thought after last night’s episode with depression, I was DONE with being hypo but as I was talking with my therapist today, it came back. I hadn’t yet taken my morning dose of my mood stabilizer so I took half of it while we were talking. I didn’t want to be sleepy the whole day so I just took half. It worked. I am calmer than I was even though my thoughts are still kind of racy.

I was going to write a paper on no-suicide contracts but while I was reading the paper, I remember writing about it. Sure enough, I did, two years ago. I sent it to my fellow psych people on Twitter and wow did my phone blow up with retweets and replies! Someone (not a psych person) read the paper and thought it was not worth reading. She only read the first paragraph and thought it was like “plaster on an old wound”. She then says how she “wasted her life being depressed”. Issues? I think so. No one chooses to be depressed and if they think this way, someone is telling them this. I have been depressed most of my life (minus these hypomanic episode the past three weeks). I started keeping track of them because I think it’s important as I might not remember I have been “happy” or “content” when I get back to my depressive state. But getting back to this woman, who I did not respond to, I just was taken aback. Did she think that I could just will myself happy? What does that mean and how do you do it? Is it a switch? I don’t think it is. I think she is just fooling herself. I have seen people pretend they are not depressed and it just makes them more miserable when their positivity ends and they are overwhelmed with depressive thoughts. I have a friend that is like that. To me that is just hurting yourself if you are not being true to yourself. I stopped caring what other people think about my depression. Either people are going to be supportive of it or they are not because they are ignorant. In their world, they like to think that depression doesn’t exist because they don’t want to catch it. I have a cousin that is like that. Drives me crazy. I love her to death but when we were talking about my book, it was like she wanted me to pull a switch and not think about suicide.

I asked my therapist if she forgot I code word when she was being frantic when I brought up being suicidal. She did. She is a ditz. So I had to explain to her that it was “baseball on her desk”. I couldn’t just say “baseball” because I talk about baseball for a good six months during the season and off-season. I am a baseball junkie. But there is a baseball on her desk that I think I gave her. I can’t remember how it got there now. I know that she had to get a replacement because the first one the ball melted after a little while. It was sad to see. I thought that would be her centering point. We haven’t tried it out because I haven’t been too suicidal and she has been more aware of her anxiety when I talk about being suicidal.

My pdoc got back to me about taking my PRN trilafon. I prefaced it with I know you don’t want me to be taking it but I need it. She writes back she doesn’t want me to take it every day, only when I need it. UM, isn’t that the whole idea behind PRN (take as needed)?? Or am I missing something? I want to write back to her but given my current agitation levels, I will let it go. Or try to. It really pissed me off.

I got such a headache for some reason. I am not tired, though I should be. I have been on the go, so to speak, since 0800. I am glad that I didn’t have to rewrite that paper. That would have really given me a headache. I took some Tylenol. I can’t take an NSAID because I am on an extended release one. And this one is not one to mess around with because it can cause gastric bleeding. I don’t want gastric bleeding. My mind is going to fast for the keyboard. I have been typing every word twice because of typos or misspellings of words. Ok, that was redundant, LOL. See I am not in my right mind right now. I have stopped listening to “just over” by Luke Bryan. I have been playing it all day because it is a good tune and it’s lyrics are stuck in my head. Another reason I need trilafon. It will break the cycle. I know people get songs stuck in their heads all the time, but with me, right now with this hypo business, it can lead to psychosis very quickly.

“Plaster in the wound”. Seriously, this person wanted to read my paper and then insulted it. I should be offended but I am too goofy to really care. I am just shaking my head because I know I wrote a good paper and if it wasn’t up to tuff with her, then so be it. Sometimes my writings are too powerful for laypeople to read. It can be technical or to emotional, depends on what I write. My blog covers a wide range of writings. It has been the place where I can publish my thoughts about scientific papers using MY experience as a reference sometimes and I know it is different for other people. My experience with something similar might not be the same as the next. I am not writing in a general way because there are no general ways. Everyone is their own expert in their illness and I respect that despite our same diagnoses. I really wish these hypos would go away, and soon. Not that I want to be depressed again, but I don’t want to run the risk of being in the hospital. I might crash tonight, again. There is no way of knowing where this is going or if I am cycling. I am kind of scared. It would be helpful to talk to another bipolar person who has experienced this. I am getting no help from my treaters. They have never seen me this way before for so long. They are worried, too. Though I can’t tell if my pdoc is. It’s hard to discern through an email in my current condition. I am too agitated to read the words, other than this is only for as needed. Like I am an idiot or something. UGH. Shaking my head again.