Tag: mental illness

Dreaming about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, writing

Dreaming about being in pain

Today I woke up at 05:30 after having a dream that my foot exploded into pain. I woke up to find that I was indeed in pain. I had somehow rolled onto my back (I am usually a side sleeper) and crossed my feet, which my bad foot didn’t like. I took a couple of pain pills and then tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. The pain just wouldn’t ease up until the meds kicked. By then I became fully awake and have been up the past several hours. I am starting to get cranky to the point of yelling at my deaf mother for having the TV too loud. I just took some more pain meds and some Ativan to try and take a nap.

I had therapy again today. This time I just bitched about my horrible day yesterday and we talked a little about yesterday being the anniversary of why I got into therapy to begin with: my father. I don’t like him anymore today than I did 22 years ago. He is the source of my problems and last night even though I was struggling, I really wanted to cut like I did when this whole thing started. I won’t go into detail about it because I am just too tired to stir up memories of that night. Actually today is the day I first started therapy 22 yrs ago. But it was the events on the 5th and 6th that lead up to it and me wanting to kill myself. Funny how chronic pain changes you. 22 years ago I wanted to die because my father was and still is an asshole and today I want to die because I am in chronic pain, physically and mentally. I know that I never will have a dad though I still call him that. To me he is just a sperm donor. The love I once had for him has been long gone and it isn’t coming back.

The weather certainly has got me still in pain. My spine is still aching and my thigh is just in nerve pain hell for some reason. I don’t know why. I haven’t had this type of nerve pain for at least a year or two. I hope that it doesn’t indicate that my scar tissue has grown more on my nerve root. I am always fearful of that but then the docs will just chock it up to me being overweight and the weight is compressing my nerves. I had a conversation with a doc that said that even if I was normal weight or sub-normal weight I still would have the same back problems. Being normal weight or less than what I am now is not going to really change the fact that I have had four surgeries at two different levels and that I have a deteriorating spine.

Despite being up early, I was not so productive today. I had to cancel my eye appointment because there was no way I was walking on icy sidewalks and risk spraining an ankle in this weather. I had breakfast and lunch and my coffee. I just got my tribute blend coffee from Starbucks in the K-cups for the Keurig. I love this coffee. It is such a very full bodied coffee that just tastes so good. I just wish it would keep me from being foggy brained but I think the meds are kicking in…

On another note before I take a nap, I finally found my missing journal. When I changed the sheets the other night I placed it somewhere and forgot where I put it. I knew it was somewhere in my room because why would I take it out. But it got buried in a hamper so I didn’t see it right away. I haven’t written in three days. That is a long stretch for me as I usually write every night before going to bed. It helps to relax me. Which is probably why I have been so worked up the past few days. I started writing this morning and probably will write another entry before bed. I am so glad I found it because I really like writing on paper more than on the computer. Just an FYI, there was an article I read a few days ago that said that people read slower on electronic devices than a hard copy paper. I found that interesting that the brain has to slow down to catch up with electronics than it does with say a book. But then, that is how most of us grew up with, a book and paper. I find that I have to print out PDF’s because 1) I can’t highlight the information I am reading on a computer screen and 2) I like to keep the hard copy just in case the computer malfunctions or key drive gets lost.

just a bad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, physical pain, suicide, writing

Today I had a bad day. I can’t describe more than that because I just am so overwhelmed I might start crying again.

I had my therapy session which didn’t go so well. We ended up talking about basically me getting out of therapy which she wasn’t keen on because she knew my result. I have another appointment with her tomorrow to go over weekend planning. I feel like I am in the hospital but on an outpatient basis. I also forgot I got visual therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go but its too late to cancel now. I have no idea what is involved and it kind of is scaring me a little. My eye doc says it just some exercises for my muscles as they don’t like to converge when I am reading, or something like that.

I would say today was kind of productive. I got my groceries delivered, vacuumed, and got my hair cut. I ordered some healthy stuff like steamed broccoli and apples to help cut down on my carbs. Least they will be the healthy carbs.

The weather has been awful today. It has been freezing rain to hail and my back has paid the price. I still can move but I don’t know how long that will last. I have tried all the exercises I know to move my hip extensors but they still feel locked. I know once it stops raining, the pain will go away but right now it sucks! My spine aches like no tomorrow and my scar hurts like a bitch. I used to love the rain. Now the rain hates me. Probably because I can no longer walk in it. I used to love walking around my neighborhood getting soaked to the bone. It was so refreshing. Course my mother thought I was going to die of pneumonia each time I went but I didn’t care. I learned the hard way of not staying in wet clothes though. I did one time and got very sick. I never did that again.

black cloud

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I started rewriting my story about my suicide attempt. I thought it would be easy but it was grueling just to get three pages done. I have become such a concise writer that to make things go longer is difficult for me. But at least I have the first three done and then I can work on that for the next century.

I had a difficult day. I woke up at 04:00 and didn’t go back to sleep till 05:30 just to wake up around 10:00. I tried to stay in bed but I was hungry to got up and drank a shake to fill me up. I just didn’t want to get out of bed and have spent most of the day in bed, just writing or playing games on Facebook. I have been trying to get my missions caught up but bloody hell, every time you finish one, another one pops up in its place. I am so sick of playing but at least this time I have something to do with myself. I haven’t showered yet but I think I will put that off till tomorrow too. I will brush my teeth or at least try to. I still feel really crummy and don’t know why. I just feel like everything is far from my grasp and I just can’t reach it. I also just want to die. I so want to hang myself off the back porch but I just can’t do it because of my nieces. I do not want them to see me like that.
I want to go out tomorrow and go to Starbucks. This time I will bring my laptop to write a few more pages of my book that probably will never get published. It probably will, I just don’t know if I will be alive to see it. I just feel so downhearted today. Like everything is clouded in darkness. I know the black dog has followed me a few times but this is different. This is like a black cloud that is there, raining down on me as I get soaked with misery and despair. I don’t have the strength to fight it. I just let it be. I am powerless against it anyway. It’s not like an umbrella would solve the issue or anything.

I got a letter from my Primary care doc saying they had to cancel my appointment and gave me another one in its place. I can’t go at that time because I have group. On one hand I feel like this is a good excuse to get out of group but I am new and feel I should be making an effort to go. I am skipping this week because I have to take my father to his doctors appt. I don’t know if this group is helping me. I end up feeling worse afterwards rather than better.

I have been texting my therapist all weekend just to keep her in the loop of my dire straits. I don’t know why she wants me to text her everyday other than the obvious but I really don’t care.

Today was my cousin’s bridal shower. I didn’t go because I just didn’t feel like going to a “woman’s” event. I know it would have broken up the monotony of the day but I don’t really have dress clothes that fit me anymore since I put on weight. I just don’t have the energy to think of those kind of things. I really have to try and lose weight for the wedding next month. Thing is losing weight is an uphill battle and seeing as depression takes most of my energy, I can only fight one demon at a time. Seeing as the depression is the demon that controls my life, it is sensible that all other demons will have to wait. It sucks but it is true. No point in trying to lose weight if you are dead.

school and coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, writing

I’m at starbucks and I wish I brought my laptop. I thought I would see my coffee buddy but he isn’t here today.

I have stuff to read in my bad but I just don’t feel like reading it. But I do have my journal which occupies my time for now. I am listening to Linkin Park because I am just in that kind of mood.

It’s good that I got out of the house after being cooped up for two days because of my bowel situation. I think things have finally settled down some. Plus I really wanted to get a McDonald’s cheeseburger and Chicken Nuggets. But I had a delicious turkey sandwich instead with some BBQ chips. My coffee of the day is Blue Java and I am sad to learn that it is being phased out. I am going to miss this delight. My next trip will be the West Java (also from Indonesia) but iced. I tried it hot but it had an aftertaste I didn’t like. I wish they made these reserve coffees for the Keurig. But then I really would not leave the house.

I’m really disappointed that I can’t go to school because my LTD states that I can’t collect when I am collected SSD. No where was that stated to me. And SSD didn’t care that I was collecting. Now because I was collecting at the same time, I have to repay what I owe, which basically means nothing for me while I am in this loophole. I am so pissed and depressed. Now I have no extra money for school or for anything really. I just have to live on my SSD check. I hate being screwed. It’s like when I got the check from UMB. $3k and I spend it on bills and the following the semester they say oops sorry you weren’t supposed to get that money, just $800. UGH!!!! Next time I get big money I am not spending a dime from it. I’ll just keep it in my checking account until someone says that oops I over paid you and I will have it to hand back to them. I feel so fucked over its not funny. I still plan on taking that one class over the summer. NOTHING is going to stop me from taking this class. Even if it’s the last class I ever take at UMB, I want to take it. I just hope they let me register even though I am not a student there at this time. I might get readmitted but what would be the point. I can’t come up with a grand every semester. Unless I stop eating or stop taking my meds or something. I might have to look at another school that doesn’t cost so much. Right now I don’t want to think about losing my baccalaureate at UMB because I will just cry. I might just have to stand at a corner with a sign that says change for college. But then the state might have something to say about that and then I will be screwed for not declaring this “income”.