Tag: mental illness

brain fuzzy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Brain fuzzy

I got up a little after 9. My mother was washing clothes so I knew she wasn’t going to go over my aunt’s. I decided to make coffee. I was still feeling paranoid and my brain was feeling fuzzy. It usually happens after a psychotic episode like I had last night. The paranoia sticks around for a while. I felt like it was too early to call my psych so I just had my coffee and then made a turkey bacon sandwich.

My mother left to go grocery shopping and told me to continue to wash clothes. Then when she got back with the groceries, I had to help her put them away. My ankle was throbbing and I needed a nap. After everything was away, I laid down for an hour but I didn’t sleep. It was really cold in my room from the AC. I just huddled under the blankets.

I paged my psych and talked with her for a bit. She wanted to know if I wanted to go in the hospital and I told her no. I knew they would just drug me up or try me on a second generation drug for psychosis and I didn’t want that. I told her I was just going to stay in my room and maybe read. She said to keep in touch and I told her I would.

My sister called me saying she made a quiche. I don’t feel like having it. I think I am going to make mac and cheese for dinner. It’s been a while since I had that. My ankle is still hurting me. I took some pain meds before I laid down but they don’t seem to be working. I might need my strong pain meds. I really don’t want to take it because it’s been a while since I last had a bowel movement. I have started taking fiber pills but nothing is moving. I don’t want to take too much stuff because then I will be on the toilet all day.

I finished off my dessert today. My mother had a bite and said it tasted like Meringue pie. I said yea, but without the eggs. I don’t know if I will make it again. It was fairly simple. I like simple recipes. Tomorrow I am going to take out the ground beef so Tuesday I can make my gravy I have been wanting to make. I just hope I remember. Maybe I will take it out later tonight so it will thaw all day tomorrow.

I am feeling really hungover for some reason. Just feel like someone is after me but I don’t know who. It’s so frustrating when feeling paranoid. Think I will take 8 mg of trilafon tonight. I still need to fill my med box for the week. I’ll probably do that after I have dinner.

nothing like waking up in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nothing like waking up in pain

I’ve been up for the past half hour or so and it’s my bladder’s fault. While I was downstairs, I had a piece of my pie that I made. I really wanted to have it before going to bed but I had brushed my teeth. It was worth the wait. I have one slice left and that will be my breakfast. My ankle started acting up soon as I started walking around. Same fucking pain I have been dealing with the past few days. It’s driving me nuts.

I checked my messages. There were some from my friends who clearly do not understand psychosis or being in a psychotic state. You cannot just “snap out of it”. I am not full of shit or “better than that”. I have been hearing voices since I was 5. Sometimes they get out of hand for some reason or another. I have no control over it. I have gotten better at the ignore part, which is what I am going to do with my friends’ responses. It’s just not worth my time to explain this and I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain it.

My brain still feels fuzzy. Before going to bed, I took 8 mg of trilafon. I wanted to take 12 but that would be pushing it as I already have taken 8. The music is still in my brain, twisting lyrics and stuff. I hate this. This is the worse part of the illness. I’m still feeling paranoid. I’m glad the sirens have stopped, least for now.

I’m going to try and go back to sleep. I hope my pain levels allow this to happen.

unraveled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Unraveled

I don’t know what happened after I shaved and showered. The music that I normally hear in my head turned to voices and then I got agitated and paranoid. I really believe ISIS knows where I live and are sending Jihad after me because they know I know their secret. I emailed my psychiatrist, who I would have paged but I wasn’t feeling up to it. She called me anyway and we talked. I hated this. I didn’t want to talk to her. Now I got to call her tomorrow.

It’s been a long time since I felt like this. Three male voices are wanting me to take a bottle of pills so it will be over. I just took an Ativan because the agitation is getting worse. I feel like my psych is in on the killing part and can’t be trusted.

I’m feeling really out of touch though I am trying to stay in touch. It’s really hard when you have so many voices telling you things at once and there are sirens going off. I think they are coming to get me, even though they fade in the distance. It’s sad when you can’t trust your mind and you don’t know what is real and what isn’t.

My psych said that I haven’t been like this in a while. It’s true, I haven’t. Nothing set me off. I haven’t felt stressed about anything. I just made my bed when things began to become undone. There haven’t even been ISIS in the news or on my Twitter feed so not sure why this is happening. I feel alone and scared and paranoid that people are out to get me. I am afraid to leave my room.

I was tired but now I am overtired. I got too much on my mind. I don’t know how to get out from this mess I am in. I wish the voices would stop hounding me about taking pills. I don’t know why my meds aren’t working to stop the voices. Maybe I should take more. I don’t know. It’s very weird to feel this way. I can’t trust my thoughts. I don’t know if this is because of the migraine I have or what. Least my nausea has stopped. I hate feeling agitated. It fuels the voices even more.

I have been trying to distract but it’s not working and music is not a good thing right now because it makes everything louder. My head is feeling like it’s at Fenway park with a full stadium of people. But I am alone in my room with just the AC on. So many voices all talking at once. I need to do this and that now. Just take this and it will all be over. This person is coming to get you. I am so scared.

I haven’t been like this in a long time. I hope that by tomorrow what ever this is, is gone. I don’t want to go to the ER. They just make things worse with the bright lights and the noise. Plus, they don’t believe you when you tell them you are hearing voices anyway. It’s a conspiracy. They just want your insurance money and then transfer you to another unit that is worst.

being in pain and voting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Being in pain and voting

I woke up in the middle of the night again in pain so that disrupted my sleep. I slept most of the morning, only getting up once to pee and then have some of my dessert for breakfast. I didn’t make coffee and I didn’t go out. I was supposed to as my mother needed some things at Walgreens but she had my sister go instead. She called me around 1400 asking why I was still in bed and when I told her I was in pain, she asked if I took anything. No, I am just withering in pain, thanks. Course I took something. She doesn’t think sometimes, I swear.

She made dinner and afterwards, I was putting the mashed potatoes away. I wasn’t on my feet for more than 10 minutes. Now my ankle is hurting like I have been on it all damn day. I can’t win.

In between sleeping stints, I have been voting for my shortstop on my Sox team, Xander Bogaerts. I really would love for him to play in the All Star Game next week. Last year, I did the same but he didn’t make it. It would make watching the game worthwhile.

Despite sleeping most of the day, I am still tired. Chronic pain just sucks. It takes so much energy fighting and dealing with it. I’m at the end of my rope with it most days. This is the 3rd day in a row that I have had severe pain. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet up with some friends for dinner. I hope I am able to go. If I do go, I will be sure to take some pain meds with me so I don’t suffer.

I bought a new Bluetooth headset. Thing isn’t connecting to my phone. I emailed the support and told them. They said does the light stay on while searching. It doesn’t. I tried several different ways but my phone won’t recognize the device. I am bummed. Least I will have it when I upgrade to a new model. I have been thinking of doing so but my phone still works good and has no problems. It does what I want it to do. The only thing I hate is the constant app updates. I had to stop the automatic downloads because it happened every single day. I’d be using the app and it would stop because it was updating. So annoying.

I guess I need to take a shower tonight. My ankle isn’t going to like that at all. But it’s been a few days since I last took one. I like to keep it to a two day minimum, especially during the hot summer days. I have kept the AC off for most of the day because today has been cool and less muggy. I hope tomorrow is the same. Friday I see my psych. It will be good to see her.