Tag: mental pain

What My Blog is About

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

What my blog is about

I feel like I should write this because I am tired of having to censor myself while writing my blog that is an important outlet for me. I started this blog because I was in a deep dark whole. It was a way for me to express my dark, suicidal thoughts. If this bothers you, please find another blog to read. I am not going to stop writing my thoughts because you find it offensive. This is what my blog is about, my midnight demons. I will never post the where, why, what, when I will kill myself on this blog. You will never know. But if there is more than three days of me not posting, I guess you can assume the worst, unless I am in the hospital and I am unable to post. I will usually post before going in the hospital as I very rarely get an involuntary admission. And I don’t do stupid things to hurt myself. There may or may not be a goodbye blog. That is something that will happen when I am close to really acting on my thoughts.

So, again, if my suicidality is too much for you to handle, go find something else to read. I don’t need friendship to help me through my thoughts. My writing is my therapy. And if I have to start censoring it because someone is offended, then it hurts me more than it hurts you. That is your problem, not mine.

On another note, if you don’t like what I write in this blog, DON’T READ IT. No one is forcing you to read my blogs so if it offends you or upsets you in anyway, go the fuck away from it. Find another blog to read and criticize.

Rearview Mirror

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Rearviewmirror

I have babysitting duties tonight so I thought I would write now before I have to pick up the rugrat.

The sleepy’s haven’t left me. I feel really tired so need to lie down. I do but then I don’t go to sleep. I ruminate about things. Then when I finally get to the sleep stage, my damn phone goes off, disturbing me. GGRRR.

I still haven’t received the money that is owed to me by my royalties. I hope changing the banks works. Otherwise I don’t know what I am going to do.

Because I have to drive to pick up the rugrat and it’s really cold out, I can’t take any pain meds. I am not in super pain but just enough to say ouch. Those with Chronic pain will understand. I haven’t done too much today, other than go up and down my stairs to get something to eat and use the bathroom. I wish I had one near my room but there is no space for it. Oh well. I just took a shower and that helped to wake me up a little bit. I wish I had my new shampoo for my dry scalp but it hasn’t arrived yet. I hope it gets delivered today like it is supposed to.

I got a new printer. It was finally delivered the other night, well past the normal delivering hours. I was happy. However, I can load the damn drivers and it is driving me crazy! I just want to toss it out the window! Or return it! But I know it’s some kind of connection issue and I just have to figure it out. Though maybe I will, when I am not so cranky. I really have no patience these days. My damn father just sucks it right out of me. He called 4 times last night because he wanted to keep his cancelled appointment. It was 1945 when he first called! The office was closed so what the hell was I supposed to do?? I just let the phone calls go to voicemail. I was sleepy anyway and had no energy to deal with a two year old (father). I called him this morning and tried calling the office to set up another appointment but there is supposed to be a BIG snow storm this weekend going on so I am sure they are probably busy making other arrangements for their appointments for Monday and Tuesday. Snow is supposed to start tomorrow and end Tuesday! FUN FUN FUN. NOT. I don’t know where we are supposed to put this dump. We barely have room to keep what we have! This is the snow year. We broke the record for the most snow this season and it hasn’t stopped.

I talked with my therapist last night. We mostly talked about my imbecilic father. I wish I could say that it was a good conversation but it left me worried because of my psychotic symptoms. We talked about my psychiatrist not being there and how much she is a supportive person in my life. But for some reason she hasn’t pawned me off to her covering doctor. I am not sure I need to, but if the psychosis doesn’t go away, I am going to need some guidance. I can’t handle this on my own and I really don’t want to go back to the hospital, where I will get no treatment other than supportive care and dosed with numerous meds to keep me “safe”. I don’t think I can handle another admission. My last one was long and didn’t really help me. None of the issues that lead me to the hospital were dealt with. It was so frustrating. And my case worker just had her own agenda which was nothing to do with me.

I got my menses today which means I have to go back to female underwear and supplies. So demoralizing. I also have to stop the pill for a week to give myself a break. This so sucks!!

SuperBowl Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, depression

SuperBowl Sunday

Been thinking about what to write today. Nothing has really changed since yesterday, though my stomach feels better. I found a pair of glasses that I thought I lost last night while looking for the Lincoln DVD. I have no clue where the hell this disc is. I have looked everywhere for it. I might have to buy another one. Then I will find the old one. Isn’t that always the case?

Last night I had an anxiety attack. I took a pill to calm down, showered, then tossed it up. Yup, I got sick in the shower. First time that happened. It took me a couple of hours to finally take my night time meds. I don’t know why my stomach was so topsy turvy. I didn’t eat anything that was bad. I guess it is just nerves.

My father is driving me crazy. He called today saying he has a bruise on his abdomen. That usually means his blood thinner is too high. A snow storm is supposed to hit the next two days, starting tonight. I don’t know if the office is going to be open tomorrow. My Tuesday schedule is probably going to be all screwed up because I most likely will have to take the bastard to the docs. And I can’t say anything to my sister about the bruise, but I need to borrow her car to take him to the appointment. I am so sick of coordinating his medical care.

Last night he was in one of his moods, the pick on me moods. He saw my haircut and just started laughing. Asshole. And then he wants something from me?? He is the king of jerks.

Going to read as much as I can today. I have less than 300 pages to go with the Civil War book. I figure if I read at least a chapter a day, I might be able to get through the book sometime this month. I want this book off my bed by the end of the month, so that is my goal.

I’m listening to country radio, which keeps going from stereo to non stereo and it’s annoying me. I haven’t been able to find the right “spot” to prevent this from happening. But oh well. It’s music and that is all I care about.

I don’t know why I was so anxious last night. It was awful. I was extremely annoyed and irritable. I guess things were building as my aunt made a comment about me wearing my hat in the house. She wanted me to take it off, or just be a bitch. I am not sure. But it annoyed me. Then my father made his remarks. I told my niece Happy Birthday and left. I couldn’t take being the butt of jokes anymore. I don’t know what the hell my aunt’s problem was. It’s not like I have not worn the hat in the house before. I always wear it so I don’t get the big fucking deal. And I refused to take it off. But my father was watching the whole charade. Totally pissed me off. Guess it started with my other aunt calling me “missy” several times, which totally made me so fucking pissed, but I didn’t say anything. I fucking hate my ‘family’ so much. And then people wonder why I want to kill myself.

Sleepy and tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Sleepy and tired

I didn’t do much yesterday other than go to my father’s to fill his medication box. I don’t know why he can’t do it but it is better that I do it so that I know he is taking his meds.

I have been so exhausted the last few days. After coming home and having dinner last night, I just passed out. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. Today I plan on just sleeping until the Pats game starts. I think my sister is having people over but I am not sure. I thought I would write a blog now as I might not have a chance later.

The other night my mood was bad. I was fighting the demons and sleep, not a good combo. I wanted to read “Definition of Suicide” by Shneidman but all I did was thumb through the parts that I had highlighted and then tweeted them on Twitter. I then posted the ten commonalities of suicide, which was difficult. The last two, commonalities 9 and 10 were a tight fit because it almost exceeded the 140 character limit. I would post this book on my “useful book” page but it’s really got some words that maybe hard to follow on. I have read Shneidman’s works before so I am used to his vocabulary. Other’s might not understand his thinking.

I had tweeted that my suicidality was peaking and got a response from a fellow tweeter. He said that things will be better in the morning. I knew that was true but that didn’t help me now, in that moment. I felt awful and suicide was consistently on my mind. I wasn’t in imminent danger but I just could not stop thinking about ending my life and how bad my life was. The worst part of this, was that I could not express myself on Twitter like I can on my blog, but I couldn’t write on my blog either. I felt like words were strangling me, trying to come out but didn’t have an outlet. I felt trapped and isolated, like a bug on an agar plate. I had felt intense despair, hopelessness, anguish, and worthlessness all at once. It was terrible. And I couldn’t sleep because thoughts were keeping me up. I eventually took some Ativan and that calmed me down enough to sleep. But it was a terrible night.

I haven’t had breakfast yet and plan to soon as my mother leaves the house. I might make coffee today. Maybe that will wake me up enough so I don’t go back to sleep. I don’t understand why I am so tired. I slept good, even had a couple of weird dreams. I just took my morning meds and if it causes me to be more tired than I am, then I know the extra baclofen is the reason. The doc increased it when I saw him last.

Yesterday I did my exercises. I didn’t have too much pain so I think I am doing them right. I hope this continues. I see the PT again on Wed. It is going to be tight because I see her in the morning and then I have my therapist in the afternoon. I literally have an hour to get home or I am going to miss my next appt. I hope I make it home in time. I should as long as the trains and buses are running on time.

I can’t wait for the Pats game tonight. They are playing the Colts and I hate the Colts, especially their QB, Luck. I also hope the Packers win against the Seahawks.