Tag: paranoia

Paranoid troubles continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been having a facial migraine all day. One side of my face is numb and tingling. I have had them before. They usually are caused by bright sunny days and being overtired. I have been up since very early this morning. I wanted to get my editing done on my book and get to Starbucks early to get a seat. I got there around eight-thirty this morning as I was up at seven. I got the migraine when I came home. I guess I am stressing about this book a little bit.

I’m getting tied up in the details and when I asked a friend about quoting she said it’s different than quoting for a paper or article. CRAP. I have to find out if I can use this information with consent or half my book goes bye-bye. Not helping my migraine today.

Then today as I was looking for my migraine medicine, I realized I have two packages of old birth control patches that I am never going to use. I called the pharmacy to find out what to do with them and they tell me to call my city for medication dump. Well, it’s too late now to call. I was annoyed because I was on hold for like five minutes but it felt longer than that because of this damn migraine. I just feel pressure all around me and I just can’t get a hold of myself. I hate feeling out of control. I don’t know what effect the migraine med and my anti-psychotic pill will have so I don’t want to mix the two right now. I just have to ride it out and I can’t tolerate it. I feel like I am being pulled into different directions. It’s not even eight o’clock yet and I am ready for bed, which I might do but am afraid I will wake up early in the morning again, but this time at two or three o’clock. I can’t win no matter how hard I try with sleep. My days of sleeping for more than 7 hrs straight are over.

It’s a terrible feeling being watched by an unknown entity. Thankfully the voices aren’t chiming in with banter or I would really be losing it. Not that I would harm myself, just feel like I need to be back in the hospital again or something for fear of losing control. Maybe this book is just too much for me. I am starting to have second thoughts about it. I already feel like it will suck anyways. My therapist keeps trying to tell me that my book will be good like my blog is but my blog is different. I can write what I want to without being censored, per se. And I can quote pretty well to promote that things are not my ideas, least I hope that comes across. Maybe I am just worrying about nothing. My friend wants me to contact my idol about his stuff and the Aeschi model that I wrote. I just have to find it and make it in a document that is readable to him and pray he has time to read it and consent and then me not have a heart attack if he says yea or nay. This is the big leagues and I don’t want to fuck up on my first book. I would be utterly devastated if I got sued or something for what I wrote. I am like totally paranoid, and possibly with good reason. I wish I had my therapy appointment tomorrow but I don’t. I had to cancel because I am seeing my PCP. My monthly pain management appointment. I know he just is going to comment about my weight again. I put on a few pounds while I was in the hospital, I know I did. I haven’t weighed myself because I am too scared. I hate myself for it but sometimes I have no control over my eating. I sometimes eat when I feel it and other times I don’t eat at all because I have no appetite. Such is the struggle with depression. You would think a medical professional would know this but they don’t. They just want you in their set guidelines of a healthy weight, which is ridiculous. Technically I should be 125, at the most, and I haven’t weighed that much since high school. Medication is to blame and my back and ankle issues. It’s hard to exercise when it hurts. I try to push through it but it always backfires on me. Like today after I came home, my sister asked me to pick up my niece. It was a good walk from my house and now I am hurting because of the hills in my area. I don’t do inclinations too well with my bad ankle and there was no other way to get to my house without going downhill, unless I wanted to walk another three blocks or so. I know I shouldn’t be complaining because other people have it worse than I do with CES. But being in chronic pain every day changes you. For two and half years I have had pain nearly every single day, all day on some level. It gets worse at night, part of the reason I wake up in the middle of the night. My doctor calls this “inactivity” while I call it trying to sleep!! Sometimes I really think he doesn’t get it when he says he does. Did I also mention that he stresses me out going to see him? I never know what new thing he will come up with about my ankle pain or what kind of doctor he will refer me to next. I won’t go. I am tired of seeing new doctors and they always tell me the same thing, nothing is wrong with my foot or they don’t know why I am having pain as there is nothing wrong with my foot/ankle. I have seen them all and I am DONE. I just want my pain medication and just send me on my merry way. The end.

Farkle and buses

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, writing

Nothing interesting going on today. I went to see my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist and I talked about my current delusion/paranoia: the 6 die and the crowding on the bus. I play a game called Farkle and it is a dice game that is played on my phone or computer. Don’t really know the object of the game other than to collect as many points without Farkling, which is when you don’t get the one or five die. Lately my delusion has been focused on the 6 die thinking it just wants to kill my game. I become paranoid every time I get a 6 thinking game over. But usually that is not the case. Irrational I know but when you are delusional, you can’t be rational.

The crowding on the bus situation is my true paranoia. I HATE it when people start crowding up the entrance doors and I literally begin to panic and have anxiety. I just get so paranoid that these people that are standing are going to go flying because the bus had to come to a sudden stop or some jerk cuts the bus off. The worse is when strollers get on the bus and take up seating for people. One time there were three strollers and they weren’t the small kind. I am talking about the heavy duty ass big wheelers that take up 3 adults just to fit a small tyke that swallows it whole. DRIVES ME NUTS. It blocks the aisle where people want to get off or on and then I am left usually without a seat at my designated disability seat because these mini cars are now in my way. I will not go out because of this paranoia some days. I just can’t stand to see the aisle clogged up with people or strollers. It just makes me really anxious.

Because I spent a good time out today, my ankle is really sore. I am finding that even the smallest of activities have flared it up. The pain is bone crushing. This is the lateral malleolus or the bone that sticks out at your ankle. The pain is so intense, especially when I stand. I know all the more reason that I should lose weight but when you can’t fricken walk right, all you can do is restrict your caloric intake and that is difficult to do. I have been trying for weeks to stick to a diet but I have been failing completely. I just can’t help it. I like to eat. I have been trying to control the cravings but it is so difficult. If I want Chinese, I’ll have it. If I want pizza, I order it (I like plain cheese so it’s not too bad). Today I thought about Thai food but decided against it as after my appt with my psychiatrist I just wanted to go home. I thought about making manwich. I haven’t had that in sooo long. So tomorrow I will make that. I bought the lean meat. Only problem is that I am the only one that likes it. I usually end up eating it all. Another item of food I cannot resist. It is just sooo good!!