Tag: physical pain

Saturday Blog 87

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday blog 87

I haven’t done anything today. I woke up early in pain and it took a while to get back to sleep. I only woke up because my mother fricken called me. I didn’t answer the phone because I had to use the bathroom. She, of course, got mad that I didn’t answer the phone. Then she called me a liar because I told her I didn’t have a tank top. I just bought one and it’s the only one that I have. Whatever. This is what I deal with on a daily basis.

I made coffee and had some bacon that my mother made. There was a tuna salad in the fridge and I had that for my lunch. I am going to order pizza and fries for supper. It’s too hot to cook. My new method came today. I haven’t opened the box but I think I am going to keep it. I had told my psych that I was going to return it but I don’t want to.

I got a letter from the US Dept of Education regarding my student loans. They are monitoring me and sent me a letter that I need to send back saying that I haven’t received any earned income. They will be sending me these letters for the next two years. I have been declared permanently disabled so I am not worried about being forced to find work. I am on social security and collect benefits from my workplace which provides me with the additional insurance I need after medicare. It’s a lot of money between the two insurances but it’s worth it.

I’m still feeling kind of low and out. Pain is minimal right now but that can change with anything. I was talking with an old friend last night until midnight. Time always seems to stand still when we talk and the next thing we know, three hours have passed. I stayed up for a few more hours as I had coffee late and it kept me up. I just stayed up until the baseball game was over. We won and I posted about it. Then I went to bed. Game isn’t on until 2100 tonight because they are on the west coast. I hate west coast games.

Supper was good. I had some watermelon after I ate. I love watermelon. I can’t eat too much because it can cause the runs with me. My mother and I were chit chatting. She was upset that I had posted on Facebook that I was in the hospital. I guess word got to my aunt and she didn’t want her to know. Oh well. I am not going to not post on my social media so the Boston Globe of my town doesn’t know things. Just kind of pisses me off that she wants to continue to hide my mental illness.

I have been listening to Sam Hunt and Eric Church the past few hours. I am trying to drown out the Linkin Park songs that are running through my head. I kind of want to listen to their music at the same time I don’t because it just makes me sad. Today has been difficult as I am missing my ex-therapist. I miss having someone care for me as much as she did. My new therapist just isn’t working out for me. I am overwhelmed with having to yet again find someone. Monday I plan on calling the place where I submitted an online request. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard back. They have different kinds of therapies at this place so I can pick and choose which kind of therapist I want, least I hope to. I just don’t want a CBT therapist as I don’t think that will be beneficial to me. I never liked the paperwork that is involved with this therapy.

I have been keeping a spreadsheet on my phone to help me keep track of my pain meds, how many I take and the time I take it. I find that it’s helping me feel more in control rather than just take pills and then forget the time I last took them. I just formatted a cell for text for the time as I couldn’t do it on my phone. I put in military time so that I don’t have to use AM or PM for the time. It’s just easier for me. Right now I am hurting really bad. Ankle and foot are acting up. I just want to scream. I last took my pain meds two hours ago so the only med I can take is my strong pain pill. As bad as I hurt, it’s not that severe. It’s more annoying as it is just throbbing and I know that I can’t do anything but let it throb. I hate this condition so bad. October can’t come soon enough. I am seeing my regular neurologist next month so I will ask her what she thinks on my condition and if she agrees that I do have CRPS. I’d like to know what her thoughts are in the matter.

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

When I left the house this morning, outside was cooler than the house. It was kind of refreshing. But that quickly changed when I got out of my psych appt. The appt went well. I talked about the week in the hospital and how they really didn’t know how to help me. They pretty much just prevented me from acting on my suicidal urges due to pain flare up that I had all week. I also told her how I felt about Chester Bennington’s death (lead singer for Linkin Park). It just sort of knocked me out of my suicidal depression because of how real it is. She told me she contacted the coordinator for the pain group and that she should be calling me as she gave her my contact information. I haven’t heard from her or the therapy place yet. I needed a refill so she sent it. Walgreens hasn’t filled it yet so either they’re busy or they haven’t gotten to it yet. Sometimes the electronic orders take a while to be processed. If I don’t see it tonight or tomorrow, I will get back to my psych as she probably sent it to cyberland. I am to report back to her about therapy and the pain group, or anything else she can demand from me, LOL. I told her I was planning on legally changing my name in the upcoming weeks as I will be getting paid next week. I will pay all my bills and whatever is left over I will save or have enough for it. I am not sure. I don’t know how I ended up with three credit cards so those are bills that I need to pay before I can get my name changed. It’s cash, I think or check. I don’t remember what the courthouse takes. I need to look it up.

When I got to the Square, I went to Chipotle for dinner as my mother said she was going to my aunt’s house and wouldn’t be home later. Fine with me. I waited for the bus and was sweating on the walk home. The house was really bad. I ate and then took a shower. Then my ankle crapped out on me. I took my pain meds as I was due and have been chatting with some friends on Twitter and text. I also texted my sister that we are three weekends away from a booze cruise I bought tickets for. I am so excited. It will be a cruise around Boston Harbor at night. I love being on a boat. I don’t really drink but I do plan on having one or two drinks at least. I definitely want a mojito and it’s for autism so it’s for a good cause. One drink will give me a buzz. I don’t drink beer. I already had my one beer a year a few weeks ago. I usually have a Sam Adams summer ale. It’s the only one that I like.

Other than resting this weekend, I don’t have any other plans. I really want to watch a movie so maybe I will to pass time. I bought a bunch from Amazon that I still have seen. On Facebook, I saw someone post that there will be new Harry Potter books in Oct. I don’t know if it’s true or not so I tweeted JK Rowling and the Harry Potter World UK. They would know if it is. It will be so cool. I love Harry Potter. Today marks the anniversary of Deathly Hallows being released ten years ago. Hard to believe it’s been that long ago. Makes me want to re-read it again. It’s by far one of my favorite books in the series. I had bought the set of paperbacks two years ago. It was fun reading them again. It never gets old. I don’t like the movies very much because they deleted scenes from the books and Peeves is not seen in any of the movies. He is a troublemaker ghost in the books.

I had my espresso but now I feel like making an iced coffee. I got an email from Starbucks Store and found that the Hawaiian coffee that I love is back. I ordered it even though it was really expensive for 8.8 ounces. I like it iced so now that I know how to make it, I am going to run out of it very quickly. I might get it tomorrow if I feel like going out as I saw they had it in the store. I am glad I can get coffee in addition to espresso. One of my cousins posted today that she is giving up coffee and I am floored. I didn’t see why she is doing it but I don’t think I can do that, ever. I love it too much. I had my chocolate fix today as when I got to my psych’s office, I went to the gift shop. To my surprise, they had Godiva dark chocolate bar. I haven’t seen it in a long time so I bought it. It was good. I miss having a Godiva store at the mall. They have Lindt Chocolate store, which is good and as expensive. Beats Hershey’s that’s for sure!

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

My rough day continues. I made my coffee and then started preparing for the sauce/dirty gravy. I went to Walgreens for my scripts, leaving my coffee behind. It was still hot by the time I came back. I prepared the garlic, put oil in the pot, and then added the garlic. While that was going on, I tried opening the cans of tomatoes. I forgot the can opener was broken. I had to go back to Walgreens to buy a new one. By this time, the mugginess had gotten worse after the rain. I was a hot mess by the time I came back to the kitchen. I was out of spoons and I didn’t even start what I set out to do.

I sat down and rested for a few minutes, trying to drink my coffee. I had shut off the gas to the pan so I didn’t have to worry about burning the garlic. I still had my sneakers on as I didn’t want to go up to my room to take them off. After a while, my little toe on my good foot started hurting. Fucking A. I took them off, but left them by the stairs.

I opened the cans of tomatoes after the garlic browned a bit. Then I put them in the pan. Then I added a can and half of water. I also started putting in my spices and pepper. I added a half teaspoon of sugar and then stirred. I let it come to a boil. Next was to cook the beef. I didn’t want to wait an hour for the sauce to cook first. It would still taste the same. I cooked the beef, breaking it into little pieces as it cooked. Then the tomatoes came to a boil and I let it boil for about five minutes. In between, I was sitting down, resting my ankle. I had my music playing.

The beef was cooked and then I simmered the sauce on low heat. It was already starting to smell so good. I love the smell of gravy. Hint to anyone that makes candles, the scent would be awesome as a candle!! It just means home to me. I was letting the sauce cook as the beef was cooling. After about an hour, I put the beef into the sauce. I waited another 45 minutes or so and then it was done. Time to cook the pasta!

I made penne pasta and had two bowls. It was so good! Then I went up to my room to freeze my ass off. I was dead tired. A friend of mine started texting me so I talked with her for a bit. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore and took a nap. Now I am feeling MORE tired and weak. I absolutely have no energy left to put the gravy away in containers or clean up. My mother made a salad for suppah. Guess she didn’t want to cook. It’s so hot in the kitchen. Least with me going in the hosp, I will be surrounded by AC. I will bring my long sleeve shirt with me just in case I get cold but I love the cold anyway.

For some reason, my good foot is hurting me. It’s throbbing really bad. I thought sleeping would make it better but it didn’t. I took some Advil hoping that will calm whatever it is down. I might have slightly twisted it while walking in the rain this morning. I need to get new sneakers that are more supportive and comfortable. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow. I am sure cooking for a few hours didn’t help it.

rough morning

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough morning

I had a decent sleep but I can’t seem to get going. I went to Walgreens to fill my scripts and that just sucked whatever energy I had. It was pouring when I left the store and I didn’t bring an umbrella. Oh well. The rain was cool and refreshing but I had to walk fast so I didn’t get soaked.

I came home and wanted to get started on the gravy but I just don’t feel up to it right now. My ankle is throbbing. Think I will wait till the pain meds work before I am on my feet getting things ready.

Some idiot is doing some kind of work with a high pitch drill or some other power tool. It is annoying me so bad. I can forget about trying to nap. I’m feeling so worn down. It’s really depressing me. Great. The noise has stopped but the damn birds are chirping.

I have told my groups and some friends that I will be going in the hospital tomorrow. I need to leave early, before my mother gets up, so that I can leave without too much trouble or questions. I have charged all of my electronics and placed my cords for them in my backpack. I also packed one of my favorite Starbucks mugs so that I can use that rather than the hospital cups. I mostly just use it for juice. I mix orange and cranberry to make a punch. I like it. I can’t carry my powerades because it’s too heavy. I am taking one bottle though.

I need to go through my coloring books because they are heavy for some reason and I don’t want my back to be hurting me while I am in there. I packed a suitcase for my clothes and a backpack for books and cords and stuff. It’s been packed for months now because I was supposed to go in Feb, then March but one thing or another prevented me from going. I just hope my foot isn’t in severe pain like it was a few weeks ago. I would have gone in then.

I usually have at least one hospitalization a year. It has been that way since I was a teenager. It gives me a respite and a break while also giving me some routine to the day. I sometimes follow the same routine when I get discharged. Only thing is, I take more naps while in because the meds make me sleepy or I am just bored. Weekends are horrible because there are no groups or anything. Just a bunch of free time. I don’t think I will have any visitors. I usually don’t. I don’t have my family visit because it just annoys me, especially when my mother comes. She asks a million questions and then tries to get answers from the staff. I don’t let her visit. This is why I usually pack everything I can so I don’t have to bother my sister with it.

I might be able to get one of my cousins to take me home when I get discharged. If not, I will just take the T (public transportation). I have done it before, even though it’s a pain in the ass. Getting to the ED won’t be a problem but getting home usually is because it’s farther west of Boston, which means more bus and train rides.

I really don’t want to do anything today. I am so tired and I just woke up. I hate it when I more tired than when I went to bed. I had slept good so I should be more awake. Maybe I will make some coffee and that will perk me up some. The rain has cooled off but it’s still muggy in the house. Going to be fun being in the kitchen making the sauce.