Tag: psych hospital

Saturday Blog 74

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 74

I didn’t have a good night. I woke up in pain every single time I tried moving my ankle. It was terrible because it was just normal movements, not even a stretch or anything. I saw stars every time I moved it. It was awful. I kept taking my regular pain meds because I am running low on my strong pain pills. I meant to put in a refill request on Thursday but I forgot and Friday was too late by the time I remembered.

I am feeling really sad. I woke up late and could barely make it down the stairs to go to the bathroom and make some coffee. I had some left over Chinese food that I ordered last night. It was good. Sometimes I think leftover food tastes better than when it is delivered. I am in pain from moving around to fix myself something to eat and use the bathroom. That is nothing new. It just depresses me because it happens every single day. It just lowers your self-esteem. You feel defeated.

A friend of mine sent me a poem about trees by Hesse. I don’t remember his first name but the poem was truly powerful with the language. I really liked it. My friend is off hiking with his son right now so I will text him later to say that I liked it. He also sent me a movie but it’s too long to keep my attention. I haven’t told him this but he hasn’t asked about it so I won’t say anything.

Other than just waking up and fixing myself something to eat, I haven’t done anything worthwhile. I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter because one of her songs was going through my head. She calms me down when I am having a rough time. Her voice is really soothing to me. I have most of her albums since the 90s. She isn’t on country radio anymore as her genre has changed so I just get to listen to her music through my MP3 player.

I think I am going to try and read some Dostoevsky. I want to try and get through his book this month. I don’t know if I will be able to because I am planning on going into the hospital the following week. I don’t know if they allow Kindles so I won’t be bringing it. I am also not going to be wearing my sneakers for fear of them taking my shoelaces. My psychiatrist is going to try and get me on the unit at the hospital she works at. If not I will have to go to the other hospital that I go to. I really don’t want to go there because they don’t help me. I feel like it’s more of an expensive babysitting service than treatment.

I feel like making my pumpkin cake. I might make it on Monday. My foot is too sore to make today. Tomorrow is Superbowl stuff so maybe I might make it then for the party. We’ll see. My brother in law is making ribs and chili. He makes a very good chili. I will be watching the game in my kitchen because I know my mother will be taking over the living room TV. That is ok. I don’t mind being in the kitchen because I can eat and not worry about making a mess so much. It should be a good game. I am not expecting it to be a high scoring game but you never know.

Last night as I was in horrible pain, I emailed my psychiatrist because I was feeling so hopeless. I asked her if I was a hopeless case. I said it was important for her to respond. She said “absolutely not”! That made me feel better. I feel like my psychiatrist is the only one supporting me right now in the real world. Everyone else is online.

I was hoping to take a shower today but I don’t think I will. I will try tomorrow. I hope the pain is less so I can stand for a few minutes. I don’t like sitting while showering.

MLK Birthday 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

MLK Birthday 2017

Today is the observance of MLK Jr.’s birthday. Sadly, the President-Elect is not doing a damn thing about it because of “schedule conflicts”. Makes me sick.

I have been in an irritated mood for most of the day. Someone had posted a link on Twitter about how they created a Yelp page to rank psych hospitals. While that is all well and good, the patients needing care there might not get it because of distance, insurance issues, or bed unavailability. Most likely, it will be because of bed unavailability. Also, during a crisis, the patient doesn’t always have a choice as to where they will go.

I voiced my opinion on the matter and some administrator in the tweet said that “change is possible”. To which I replied, how as there is a bed crisis right now?? These administrator have no fucking clue how the mental health system really is for patients. And why would they? They aren’t the ones spending hours, sometimes days, in the ER waiting for a bed. It drives me fucking crazy. And then a social worker that I know and have dealt with many times, throws in his opinion which squashes mine, making me look like an idiot. UGH. I just wanted to scream. He is all for outpatient treatment, while I was discussing inpatient treatment. Big difference. I got so damn frustrated.

So then I leave the house with my niece as I thought we wanted burritos. I did anyways. I asked her at the bus stop if she was hungry and she said no. What do you mean no when we are going to get burritos?? I wanted to go back home but I really wanted a damn burrito so we went to the Square. I got more coffee at Starbucks (just to add to my agitation) and got the damn burrito. We took them home to eat. We had just missed the bus from the Square so decided to walk to the next one that was 0.4 miles from where we were. I was exhausted by the time we reached our destination and my ankle wasn’t too happy either. There was a creepy guy at the bus stop and luckily he got on a different bus than the one we were going on. Thankful for that.

I had to get milk and the paper at Walgreens so we stopped there before coming home. I wanted to get Fruit Loops but it was too expensive. I wasn’t going to pay nearly five bucks for a 10 ounce box. That is just ridiculous. So my cereal craving will have to keep craving.

Now I am home and I am not doing a damn thing other than eat my burrito. My niece did soon as we got home. I don’t think she likes eating in public places and that is why she said she wasn’t hungry. She has anxiety so I understand.

I don’t think my therapist is in the office today because I haven’t heard from her. More anxiety for me. I hope to hear from her tomorrow. I really hope I can have a chat with her. I just feel hopeless because another therapist has decided they can’t work with me anymore. It just makes me feel like a hopeless case and that I can’t be helped so why bother trying. If she acts like a fink and refuses to give me a time this week to talk things over, I’m just going to cancel the appointment next month and say goodbye to her. It’s not worth the aggravation anymore of trying to help myself when I get no help from a professional.

Up Early again 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up Early again

I woke up at 0330 to go to the bathroom and then couldn’t go back to sleep. I had some messages on my various apps so I checked them. One of the blogs I read had another blog from a different author so I decided to read that but it was so boring that I had to stop reading it half way through.

I woke up somewhat congested so I took my nasal spray to clear up my nasal passageways. It has been a few days since I last used it. I am supposed to use it every day but I forget sometimes. My ankle started flaring up soon as I got back to my room so I took some pain meds for it. Now I am just waiting for it to make me sleepy.

I feel really depressed. I know it’s because I keep dealing with physical pain more than anything. I just can’t get away from it and it’s really bringing me down. When I met with my PCP last week, I had to have him tell me I wasn’t an addict because the voices were harping on me again about that. He told me I wasn’t and I felt reassured. He understands that I am a person in chronic pain and need medication to relieve that pain. He really is a nice doctor. He is younger than I thought he would be, not that it matters. Sometimes they get these new doctors and you think they are older because they are new. But he was young. I hope he sticks it out with the practice.

Being up this early is going to ruin my whole day now. I am going to be sleepy. I wanted to go to the Square so I could get a burrito at Chipotle. I would have gone yesterday but I was too sleepy. I don’t know if I will be going to the hospital today. I got to wait for my psychiatrist to get back to me. I need to take a shower today because I haven’t taken one since Friday morning. I always tend to lose track of when I shower because it isn’t one of my top priorities.

I’m glad I checked my bag for T-shirts because I had only one packed. That wouldn’t do. I put in three more. That should be plenty for me. I also need to pack my coloring book and crayons. I think it would be nice to have them with me. I have decided that when I get discharged, I am not letting my therapist know. I will talk with her in the new year. I don’t care. I need a break from her antics.

I think I need to take an Ativan. My ankle is really hurting and it’s bringing my anxiety up. I hate when that happens. I haven’t decided how I am going to tell my mother I am going to the hospital. She always freaks out when I have to go in. And I always get the “whys”, like I don’t need to be in. She is not very understanding of my mental illness. I just hope when I get to the unit they don’t take away my shoelaces. Some units do that and it really bothers me when you have to re-lace your sneakers.

I hope that because I am in the hospital where my psychiatrist is, she can visit me. I would really like that. I just realized that because I will be in the hospital, I won’t be having any caffeine. That is really sad. I hope I don’t get a headache because of it. Those kinds of headaches suck.

current situation

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I haven’t been in a good mood today. My ankle is hurting me and has been for most of the day. I finally caved in and took a pain pill after I had a big lunch and a second cup of coffee. Then my cousin, who is visiting from Texas, called. I knew he wanted to see me and sure enough that was the reason for his call. I tried explaining to him that I was in pain and couldn’t walk. He wasn’t listening and it pissed me off. I am not going two houses down the street to see him. I can barely walk around my kitchen much less walk the short distance to my aunt’s house.

I tried watching my Pats but lost interest when it was close to halftime. I like watching the updates on Twitter. I want to email my psych and ask her if I go into the psych ER tomorrow, will I be admitted to the unit she wants me at or will I go to the other hospital. I need a break from myself. I feel I should page her to talk it over with her but I know if I do, then things might be set in stone and I hate that feeling of being pushed in the hospital. I just worry that if I don’t go to the unit my psych wants me to go and I end up elsewhere, I am not going to get my pain medication the right way because it’s not written the way I take it. I am so frustrated that this issue still hasn’t been taken cared of.

I did some reading today. I didn’t get as far as I would like. I kept getting distracted. In the book, the author was writing that John Hay became friends with Henry Adams. It reminded me of the book I read that was written by him. It would be a nice book to re-read. However, I have no idea where the copy of the book is. I went looking for it and it’s not where I thought it would be, so it could be anywhere. I will probably find it when I am looking for something else.

Great, my toes are now painful. I didn’t get to sleep last night until 0300 and then woke up around 0800. Not enough sleep. I was in a lot of pain last night which is why I was up as well as having PTSD symptoms, which didn’t do me much good. I am glad I am not napping because my brother in law is taking the Christmas stuff downstairs and he is making one hell of a racket.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my current situation. I didn’t discuss going to the hospital because what the fuck are they going to do with me besides watch me every 15 minutes. They can’t do anything about my pain and I am just fucking frustrated that the idea of being in a ward without access to my meds when I want them is just too much for me to take right now. I am going to take the strong pain pill and be dopey the rest of the evening. I don’t care. Maybe I will sleep. If my asshole cousin calls again, I think I will tell him to go to hell. And he better not come up my house because I really don’t want to go downstairs right now. I have started crying and am a weeping mess.