Nietzsche said that “the thought of is a great consolation; by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night”. I can say that the topic of suicide has been a great preoccupation that has kept me up more nights than I care to remember. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache
Tag: psychache
Quote of the Day 10 Nov 2015
With some few clear exceptions, I am against suicide commited by other people, but I reserve that option for myself. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache
Feeling heartbroken
Feeling heartbroken
I know this is probably all the sleep deprivation as I have been up since 0500. Psychache is running high. I just feel like my world is falling apart and I don’t know why that is. I read a blog a little while ago. I like this person’s blog. She has a similar condition like mine. We have been talking for more than a year now. She wrote in her latest blog that she is planning on ending her life and that makes me sad to lose her or think of losing her. I know it is her right. I wrote that in my latest Quote for the Day. I am just feeling really emotional right now. I really want to cry.
I think spending time with my father has really warped my head. He was such an ass today. I was helping him do something, and he said thank you, but I don’t believe his sincerity. I have known him too long. Then I read something about Narcissists. Described my father to a T and I just read the first line of the article. My therapist says that I have a narcissistic injury because of him. I have no idea what that means. I will ask her about it tomorrow when I talk with her.
Since the turmoil with my therapist, I haven’t been able to write anything for my book. Doesn’t look like it will get done this year. I am stuck at page 30 and there I will stay. I just can’t think of anything to write. I want to finish the roots story but I am having trouble because my damn pen keeps running out of ink when I start working on it. I keep forgetting to replace the pen in my pocket in my jeans. I am such a loser.
Since my friend has been talking about how she wants to end her life because of pain, it stirred up my feelings on the matter. Before I read her story, I wanted to put a plastic bag over my head. It was laying on my bed, innocent as can be and I just had this rush of wanting to end my life like that. The feelings didn’t last long but it was there. I can’t deny it. I think of these things often, of ending my life, not putting a bag over my head. Yet I am for suicide prevention. I am such a hypocrite. I would stay up all night with someone if it meant saving their life but I wouldn’t reach out when I am suicidal. Sure I write on my blog. I vent about how sucky my life is. How I am in pain nearly every single day. That I am probably dependent on the pain medication I am on. I am not addicted. There is a difference between addiction and dependence. I don’t take more than I should of my medication. Sometimes I don’t even take it because the pain is just not that great. I am not saying I like being in pain, but why take a pill when my pain is minimal? It’s when it’s unbearable I take my pills. It might be too late by then but least I have something. My friend doesn’t have anything except MJ. Because of all the stupid damn bullshit around opioid use, doctors are scared to prescribe it to real chronic pain patients. I am always afraid my doc will stop prescribing my meds. That will be the day he signs my death certificate.
I read today that one of my Twitter buddies was looking for purpose. I often wonder if I have a purpose in this world. My therapist and psychiatrist always says that I do. But I don’t feel it. I don’t have a life worth living as Marsha Linehan would say. Actually, I don’t know what she would say. I know I just want to belong, to feel connected. I wrote something on Twitter and no one responded. I have my tweets also go to Facebook and got more responses. I have 500 Twitter followers and not one of them responded to my tweet. It’s like unless I include them in the tweet, it just gets ignored. I honestly don’t get the Twitter world sometimes. Yet I will say something profound and get many retweets and favorites. Go figure that out. I don’t think anyone cares what I say anymore.
psych appointment and other things
I will be so damn happy when my baby is back in my possession. Stupid Excel is having problems loading on my old laptop. I wanted to update a few files and I can’t because it won’t open.
I went to my psychiatrist’s appointment. It went well, though I didn’t bring up the TG stuff. It slipped my mind as we were talking about therapy and my horrible sleeping. She suggested I take melantonin. I have been afraid to take this because I am afraid it will have the opposite affects. And most of the time you cannot take it if you are on antidepressants. But I am not on antidepressants so there shouldn’t be any interactions that I know of. She doesn’t think the meds I take are causing me to be hyper. So it must just be the Bipolar in me. I have never had regular sleep in so long. I used to be able to sleep 12 hour days but that hasn’t happened in a very long time. She also warned me that the hospital is updating their electronic records system so it might be difficult to get refills, least from her because I guess there is a lot of clicking involved. She doesn’t like this system but it integrates a lot of departments that will be useful to clinicians. I have heard it is a pain in the ass from other departments. She told me that one hospital it crashed for several hours. Nice system. But as I know from experience, there are always going to be bugs when a new system rolls in. We had that problem in the lab when we had our new system. It took a long time to log in one specimen. The system crashed due to memory problems. It could only hold so much data before it crashed so it had to be purged every eight hours or so and took a half hour to do so. It was ridiculous. But the system got better as years went on. Hopefully when this system is online, my psych will get used to it.
I have been up since 0500 and I am so very tired. I had breakfast before 0700 and haven’t eaten anything since, except for candy. I am too tired to make a sandwich. My mother told me we are having lentil soup for supper, so maybe I will also make a grilled cheese sandwich so I get full. I need a nap because I have been going since 0800. I went to my appointment and then had to go over my father’s to do an errand. When I get there he tells me his liver doctor called. I thought this was weird because all his doctors know to call me, not him as he gets confused and doesn’t understand what they are saying. He told them to call back at 1300 when I would be there. Well, 1300 came and went and I was tired of being around him. He annoys me so much. I have no idea who called him as I called the doctor’s office and spoke to the secretary. No one that she knew called him. I told him if they callback, to give them my number and left. Then I waited for the bus and this young kid was asking for change. He ran into his buddy and I guess he gave him money because he bought a drink and then left.
My ankle is not liking me right now. It’s really not going to like me as I have been going up and down the stairs looking for the FedEx and mail trucks. Neither have shown up yet. I am still waiting for a check to come to me. It’s been weeks that I have been waiting. I know it will come when I give up hope it will come that day. I really hope the FedEx truck comes soon. I really want to take some pain meds and nap.
I didn’t ask my psychiatrist if she still wanted me around. I guess sleep deprivation really makes you forget stuff. I am going to ask my therapist this question. I just don’t feel like I am worthy to be seen by them. I am so tired of living. It’s just too painful.
midnightdemons7 
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