Tag: psychache

900th Blog Post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders

900th post

I thought of reviewing the book “Managing Suicidal Risk” by David Jobes, but I never got around to it. It will make its way to this blog one day just not today. Maybe my 1000th blog.

I had therapy this morning. I was really sleepy so didn’t really want to talk. She called me a new name and now I forgot it. It was really funny at the time. Maybe if I can get back to that sleepy state of mind I can remember it.

She asked me about my suicidality a few times. I basically told her I had no means to kill myself with. And because I don’t, I don’t want to try. Sure I can go down to the basement and see if I can kill myself there but I really don’t think I can pull it off. I have too much going on with me. I asked her if she still needs me to be around. And she almost got choked up. Answer was yes. I felt like I had to ask because we haven’t seen each other in so long. I was wondering if talking with her was still worth it.

I don’t know if I am suicidal enough to warrant being in the hospital. Sure, I rather be dead because I hate living in pain all the time. I cooked dinner tonight and then went to pick up my niece. My ankle had a heart attack by the time I came back home. It was really hurting and upset with me.

It’s 0530 am. I just realized that I didn’t send this out so I might as well keep writing. I finally got my ankle to calm down some. I had broken sleep but any sleep at this point and I will take it. I just took a muscle relaxer because I forgot to take it with my night time meds. I have to call the doc today and let him know how I am doing with it. I don’t think there has been much change in the pain department like he was hoping. I might be on a too low a dose or maybe I need to take it more during the day. I don’t know. I have been taking it at least twice a day since I got started on it. I was desperate for pain relief because I was running low on my pain meds. If the muscle relaxer just helped me to sleep, I would be ok but it doesn’t even slow me down. Very disappointing. I hope he doesn’t change to another med because I just can’t afford it. My last 10 bucks has to go toward getting Powerade so I can take my meds at night. I can’t take it with water because I hate the taste of meds with it. I got to have something else to take the taste away. I just hope the drink is on sale this week.

Because I messed up on getting my refill on my BCP, I now have my menses. With all the drama of last week with my father, I just plain forgot to call my doc and refill the pills. This sucks because I don’t know how long I will have it for. It has been two months since my last period so I am hoping it will end soon. I am going to restart the pill again on Sunday anyway, even if I am still continuing to bleed. It is so frustrating for me because it still proves I am in the wrong body and that makes me sad. I had a dream that I told my mother off. Maybe I am getting closer to telling her my true feelings. I don’t know. Funny how two people can live together yet not really know one another, even if we are related. I hope one day that dream comes true and then I can live my life the way its meant to be lived. I don’t have to be in the closet anymore about my true self. Not like I am hiding now, but I just don’t talk about it. And if I go ahead with the transition, that would be awesome. But I think that will be a dream. My therapist brought up gender dysphoria while we were talking and I guess that is where the source of my dream came from. I just really want to grow a beard and have a mastectomy. That is all I want. If I could donate my breasts for transplants, I would in a heart beat. But alas, that is one tissue that can never be transplanted. Such a shame. Breast cancer doesn’t run in my family so I can’t even go for a medical reason. And they are not too large enough for a reduction. But then, I don’t want a reduction. I want them GONE!!

Saturday Blog 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 13

I am wicked sore today after all the poking and prodding the new doc did yesterday. But I persevered and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I am supposed to take it only at night but I am in so much pain that I decided to try it during the day. So far, I notice no difference. I will take it tonight and I hope that with my other meds, I get to sleep. I am not sleepy at all from one dose and taking my pain meds. The new doc recommended that I wear a brace so I have that on, though I am ready to take it off because it is hurting me. I have had it on the last few hours so I need a break from it. It hasn’t been helpful for me. Going down the stairs hurts me more than going up with it on.

I think part of the reason I have not crashed is because I had coffee today. I still feel awake and like I can do anything, least mentally wise. I think I am going to write my therapist a letter when I finish this blog. I don’t know what I am going to write. But I will figure something out.

Last night I was in a rough space. The prognosis for my ankle doesn’t look good. The idea that I have to go back to physical therapy after all this time just makes me cringe. I just hope I don’t have a “god” like therapist. I want someone that is willing to work with me, not against me. I don’t know what they are going to do but we’ll see. I start therapy on Monday. I just hope I can find the place. I also hope that the therapist doesn’t treat me for a back injury like the last therapist did. I went to therapy for an obvious ankle injury not because my back was hurting yet I was given exercises for my back.

Due to this prospect, my mood took a hit. I really felt down because I know there is not really much that can be do for tendonitis other than what I have been doing. But the fact that more tendons are involved means that I am not moving my ankle correctly and I know that it is going to be painful to correct it. My stupid brother in law seems to think that I will need back surgery to correct it. He is a complete idiot when it comes to medical stuff. It really pissed me off when he said this because the damage is already done. I am trying to compensate for what I lost and that is why all my tendons are screwed up. And the thought of being in a hinged AFO forever is daunting. The fact that I have to walk with a mobile device is in itself depressing to me. And the fact that this happened almost 14 years ago kills me. I still blame myself for not getting the care I should have. I should have found someone that had experience in nerve rehab. But I was too busy trying to keep my job and stay sane so who had time for that? I didn’t know I wasn’t walking incorrectly. I was also busy fighting the pain of losing what I had and trying to gain it back. I thought, after several years, I was finally going to be okay. I was working close to full time and things were going okay until I got struck with CES again. Then all that I gained back, was lost, this time forever. But I was wiser this time around. I knew what kind of rehab I wanted to get better. And I seriously thought that after 9 months of intense physical therapy, I was better. I had no idea that I wasn’t. But I was too proud to admit that I wasn’t because I found a script from my neurologist saying to be evaluated for an AFO in 2008. If I had followed through, things might have not been as bad as they are today. And I am kicking myself big time for that. It’s my fault because I have no one else to blame.

OSU game will be on at eight on channel 5, least I hope it will. It said ABC so am hoping that is nationwide. I really would love to watch a college football game today. Nebraska killed Rutgers today, 42-24. But watching the game depends on how much pain I am in. Right now I am at an 8 and I am not doing anything but type up this blog. I have my foot up and it still hurts. I know that if I go down the stairs I will be in pain (I don’t have a TV in my room for several reasons). So right now, the game is up in the air, but I definitely will be watching out for tweets on the score and stuff on Twitter.

rethinking small price to pay

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders

Pink Pill and rethinking small price to pay

For the third night in a row, I have had the rubber band stretch/my muscles are string beans feeling in my arms. I know I am really tired and that is a cause of it but I am so sick of dealing with this night after night. What is disturbing me is that my left hand will clench and I can’t open it until the Ativan works. So typing or trying to use my hand is difficult to say the least. I am rethinking the “small price to pay” thoughts because this is ridiculous.

I somehow emailed my psychiatrist about this. I am waiting to hear back because I just don’t know what to do. My hand clenching is not new. It does it when I am really tired and will release once the meds work. But while the meds are trying to work I got to deal with this hell and I am wondering if it is worth it. I haven’t had a psychotic break in a long time, more than a year. So maybe tampering with the drug might be in order, say taking it every other day rather than every day. Cost is too much to bear so that is another factor. It is the most expensive prescription that I have. But there is nothing that I can switch to that will work as well as this drug. I have tried them all. I know that I would not be thinking these things if I didn’t have these side effects tonight more than usual. But I am really tired after dealing with my father all day that wasn’t planned. But it is good that I went to see him because he had something serious wrong with him. Figures.

But back to my debate. I have benefits of the drug. I have minimal side effects other than the one that I am experiencing now. It takes away the paranoia, the voices, the delusional thinking. I really don’t want to end up back in the hospital because I went off my meds. No, I am not proposing that. I think that tampering with them might be a solution. I just need to get my psychiatrist on board. If I start losing it or become more stressed that is causing psychosis, I will go back to the normal routine. But right now, all I want are these muscle contractions to stop.

Totally out of spoons

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Totally out of spoons

I am so spent. I did too much today and now I am paying for it. I just had my meal, a bowl of cereal. Now I can hopefully relax as I am hurting.

I had to do some stuff for my father, surprised? Tomorrow I get to do the same things I did today, minus going to his house. He must have called me like 6 times today. He is in pain and the medication doesn’t seem to be working. I told him he can take two medication but he refused. Let him be in pain then. I am tired of dealing with him today. Tomorrow he will be seen by his doctor and hopefully they can give him stronger pain medication. I don’t care about that right now.

I have to conserve my energy (spoons). I have a long day tomorrow as I have to deal with my father and then I will be going out to dinner with some friends in the evening. At noon, I am supposed to have therapy but I am not sure I will be home for that. I haven’t quite decided what I am going to do after my father’s appointment. I know I probably will go home so I can rest, but it all depends on what time the appointment ends. I hope that we aren’t there all morning. That will just suck.

I was not in a private space to really talk to my therapist today. She kept going on about how many spoons I have lost even before I went to see my father today. I had a productive morning, all with no coffee on board. I was hoping to have a cup when I got to Starbucks. But for whatever reason, the coffee sucked today, even the blonde roast didn’t taste right. I wasted my money today for the first time. I am so disappointed. I hope tomorrow is better, I am going to need the coffee to get me through the day.

My therapist was funny today. She called me a geek and I think complimented me on being very “Bostonian”. LOL I guess I said “wicked” too much today and it just got to her. I was glad for the light conversation, as like I said, I wasn’t in a private space so talking about my suicidality or self harm urges were out. I actually haven’t had any urges to cut since Sunday. We however briefly, talked about it today. I some how developed a pimple on one of my scars and it was triggering me to cut. It was very itchy and course, when I popped it, made it really angry. I really thought about cutting for the first time in months. I kept thinking about how to make the scar “better”. I know this doesn’t make sense, but it really was how I was thinking that day. I almost had to call her Sunday to talk me out of it or to contract for safety.

I am looking forward to going out to dinner with my friends tomorrow. I am going to go even if it will kill me. I will just bring my cane and I should be fine. We are going to go to one of my favorite restaurants so I really don’t want to miss it. Plus, I haven’t seen my friends all year because of my stinking pain. I don’t see them often. The last two times we were supposed to meet, I couldn’t go because I was on bed rest. I really am looking forward to seeing them, we have a lot of laughs. So even though it will hurt me, I am going to see them anyways. I will take my pain medication with me just so that I can mingle. Luckily, there won’t be too much walking involved once we get there. My friends live south of Boston, almost near the Rhode Island border. I have to take the commuter rail to get there. I am going with my friend, who cordially invited me and will be treating us to dinner. He does this at least a few times a year, usually when it is my friends’ birthday. He is nice like that.

I think I am going to have to take a strong medication to kill this pain that I am in. I have been at an 8 on a scale of 1-10 for the past hour or so and obviously, my regular pain meds aren’t touching it. I didn’t think they would. I just did too much today. I was on my feet for more than 20 minutes, I walked long distances, and generally ran out of spoons by the time I even got to my father’s house. And there was one errand that I forgot to do, and that was mailing my therapist’s letters. Totally forgot to grab the envelope before leaving and didn’t remember until I got to Starbucks. I’ll have to remember tomorrow to do it because the rest of the week I will not be leaving the house. I need to recharge my spoon counts.