Tag: psychological pain

sucky mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sucky mood

I slept through the night, finally but I woke up around 6 because my bladder needed to be relieved. I also took some pain meds as I was hurting. Doesn’t seem like this flare up is going to settle down anytime soon. I got up too late to take my blood pressure pills. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I still don’t. I am feeling very depressed.

The CRPS office called me back today. They said they need a clinical referral before they could set up an appointment. I emailed my psychiatrist and she was willing to send it but I think it’s too complicated for her. She kept on asking specific questions and I answered them but then didn’t get a response. I had emailed my PCP and the secretary emailed me back saying that the information was in my record. The doc just had to access it. I was like duh but they need a referral or they won’t see me. She is going to bring it up with my PCP and go from there. I am aggravated. No where on the CRPS specialist’s site does it list a clinical referral to see her. Just another obstacle. I don’t have the patience to deal with it.

I made a grilled cheese for lunch. Surprisingly, I didn’t burn it. It came out perfect. I filled my water bottle with iced tea. I am going to try and drink more today as I didn’t really do so yesterday. I am feeling really tired so I am going to nap after I write this. My mother is making chicken cutlets for supper, least I hope she is. Sometimes she changes her mind and makes a stir fry.

I reserved the car for tomorrow to go to my ex-therapist’s office to collect my things. I will have the car for a few hours just so I can ride around some. I want to go to Walmart and buy some pajama shorts and regular shorts so I don’t always wear jeans.

My ankle is just throbbing right now. I can’t stand it. I am going to stop here so I can rest. Talk to you guys later.

random 410

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 410

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I woke up around 0200 having side effects from my trilafon. My arms felt like they were spaghetti and they were flailing. I was annoying that it woke me from a sound sleep. I stayed up half the night as I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I would have blogged but my arms didn’t feel right.

I was hoping to sleep till at least 1100 but woke up at 0800. I was able to get back to sleep for a few hours and then I made breakfast. I didn’t feel like showering. After breakfast, it was time to catch the bus so I could have much needed espresso. I grabbed my bag and looked for my keys yet again. I still haven’t found them anywhere. My house ate them and until it pukes it up, I am without keys. I am glad I have a spare.

It was raining and cool as I waited at the bus stop. I didn’t dress warmly and froze while I was at Starbucks. I read a chapter of the CBT book but didn’t feel like summarizing it. I wrote in my journal until it was time for me to catch the train for therapy. While I was writing, my foot acted up and I was shitting bricks. I took my pain meds and hoped it would be enough to calm it down so I could walk to therapy. It was too late to cancel and too late to go home for strong meds.

I went to therapy and told my therapist that I was suicidal. I was hopeless and he wanted me to scream at someone. I thought that was queer. I wasn’t angry at anyone. We talked about different things and he has it in his head that I need people in my life. I don’t want people in my life. I have enough of them online that I manage. I don’t want every day conversations with people that I don’t know. He is starting to get on my nerves about this as it’s the third session he has mentioned this. Next week he is out of office because of the holiday. He is going to let me know if a spot opens up on his schedule if I want to see him. I rather not see him.

I walked to the train station and I was hurting. Both ankles were giving me grief. I decided to go to Chipotle for supper. I had a burrito bowl and I asked for extra rice. It was good and I got a little happy having my guacamole. The train was crowded so I didn’t have seat. I just made the bus home and it was crowded so I didn’t have a seat. My feet and ankles were wanting a divorce. I crawled home. I took some strong pain meds and regular meds when I got to my room. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be in pain all night like I have been the last few nights.

A friend called me while I was home. We set up a dinner date at our favorite Thai place. It will be good to see him if I don’t end up going through with my plans. I am still feeling suicidal after I left therapy, mostly because I was in fricken pain and that just put me in a bad mood. I’m going to talk to my psych tomorrow and tell her my plans. This therapist sucks for suicide prevention so I am not sure I can depend on him in a crisis or when I am having a hard time. He still expects me to see him in two weeks when I am not sure I am going to be around. FUCK. I am just so tired of having to do things myself in therapy. I am not sure it is worth it anymore. Not sure my life is worth anything anymore. I just feel so hopeless today and not sleeping and being in pain has not helped me one bit. Just don’t want to exist anymore, I really don’t!

intense pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Intense pain

I got up from bed after I shut the AC off to place my overflowing recycle bin in a trash bag. As I climbed back to bed, my ankle seized up like the Dickens. I saw stars. It was intense pain and I am still feeling it. I just want to die and I am doing all I can to not get up and take the bottle of pills to end my life.

I waited about fifteen minutes for it to quiet down. It didn’t so I took yet another strong pain pill. I am losing track of the consecutive days I am having to take this medication. I belong to a CRPS group on Facebook. They talk about Kratom, ketamine infusions, and the like. I have posted a few times but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares.

I keep telling myself one more week or two and then I will end it. I don’t know if I will. I want to end it right now but I can’t walk over to my bureau to get the meds needed to do the job. It will hurt too much. I could say fuck it and hobble over there anyways, but I really don’t want my family to find me in the morning. It’s better to go to my spot.

I’m tempted to call my psychiatrist and just cry over the phone with her. The pain is getting worse. The flares are nearly every day, sometimes with some movement and other times with no movement. I can’t go on like this, I just can’t. Pain is just killing me. I have tolerated as much as I can. I can’t even say what number on scale it is anymore because I am always in pain. My normal is now a 5 when it used to be a 3. I just want to cut off the limb. I have a crazy idea on how to do it, too.

I guess I am not sleeping tonight. I am so tired and my meds are making me sleepy but the pain is keeping me up. Pretty soon I will be over tired and then god knows when I will sleep. I will hit the hyperdrive button and all hell will break loose. Time will go by and before I know it, it will be 0300.

I took my dose of Neurontin later than I usually do. I am starting to need it every night like the strong pain pill. I will be 300 pounds by the end of the year if this keeps up. Neurontin is just a weight gainer and you don’t even have to eat more to gain weight. I know in the morning the pain will be less. It always will be. But I want it to be gone NOW. I am tired of existing. I have no purpose. Just a will to die and I will act on it soon enough. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but one day soon.

Random 538

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 538

My pain levels were back to “normal” this morning when I woke up so I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I would be seeing her. It was too early to get ready so I went back to sleep, which was a mistake as when I woke up a couple hours later, I didn’t want to leave my bed. It took all I had to get up, wash up, brush my teeth, and fix my hair. It was really hot out so I didn’t want to wear a hat.

I looked for my keys yet again and still cannot find them. They have been missing for a week. I have been using a spare key that I have in my wallet to get into my house. I am glad we only use one door.

I went to Starbucks after I got my things together. The bus was on time and I was grateful as the sun was beating down at the bus stop. Then at one of the stops two ladies with huge strollers came on. They piss me off because they make passengers leave their seats so the strollers can be accommodated. This is not the first time they have done this. The bus driver doesn’t say anything to them and I just sit their while they talk loudly in their language, ignoring their children as they try to get their mother’s attention. I hate parents that do that!

I got off the bus before they did and went to Starbucks. I got a sandwich and my espresso. By the time I was done, there wasn’t much time for writing. I wrote for a few minutes and then left for my psych appointment. My psych was late, which is typical for her. I told her about the flare up I had last night was caused by taking a shower. She then told me about a neurologist that specializes in CRPS (Complex Region Pain Syndrome). She just found out about her yesterday. I called when I got home but had to leave a message because no one picked up. I also told her about how suicidal I have been and how tired I am of being in pain. She understands and doesn’t want me to kill myself, though I had a feeling if I did, she would understand. She wants me to join the pain group that she told me about months ago. I said I would call the coordinator. I really don’t want to go to this group. I have to think about it some more.

I didn’t tell my psych about my plans. I want to give this neurologist a try though I am doubtful that she will be helpful. I told her I would be in touch and I see her in two weeks.

I went back to the Square to go home but stopped at the butcher’s shop for burgers and rolls. I have been craving a burger. I think it’s because of the hot weather. But I love burgers, too. I made the bus home and then on a whim, I checked Walgreens to see if someone had turned in a set of keys. There was a set but it wasn’t mine. I am convinced my house ate them. I know I had them because I wouldn’t have been able to get into the house last Friday. Just bugs me!

My ankles started acting up on the walk home from Walgreens, my left more than my right. I still need to make my burger but I wanted to write my blog first. I want to cool off in the AC, too. I am hoping I don’t need a strong pain pill tonight. I haven’t moved my bowels all week, since Monday or Tuesday. I’m going to have to take some fiber pills to get things going. I’m not going out this weekend so I can be home for crapping. Fun times ahead!