Tag: psychosis

Decisions are hard when depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Decisions are hard when depressed

I am still struggling between the voices and the grief and the depression. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to have for lunch. I had just coffee for breakfast. I didn’t feel like eating so around lunchtime, I was hungry. I had to use a coin to decide whether to make hot dogs or a tuna sandwich. Tails won for the tuna. I was glad because making the tuna sandwich was easier than making the hot dogs. I always had my back up of eenie meenie minee mow to fall back on, but the coin was better.

I honestly don’t know what I want to do today. I know I don’t want to go out. I am just not up to dealing with the public transportation system to get to the Square nor dealing with people. I made the decision to go to a PT place down the street from me. However, I need to fax the prescription to SRH before they will call me to schedule an appointment. I wish I could just scan it and fax it but I am not that tech savvy to do things like that. Plus, I don’t have a scanner. I know one of my Twitter buddies can fax on his phone so I will look into apps that do that. Maybe I can take a picture of the script and then fax it that way. This will cut out a middle man of either giving the paper to my sister or going to UPS store.

My pens have made their way back to my town and are on the way to being delivered to me. I hope it’s today and not tomorrow. I also got confirmation that the stamps I ordered are on their way to me as well. I feel like today is Christmas. I can’t wait to stamp “Ex Libris” on my books. I also can’t wait to write with my new pen. It’s a Jetstream but a fine point and a clicker. I’m not that crazy about fine points but it looked cool so we’ll see. Sometimes I do like writing with fine point pens. All depends on my mood.

I was talking to someone on Twitter this morning who was saying something about suicide prevention. He went to my profile and saw my pinned tweet. He then retweeted it with a comment saying “suicide will pass”. I don’t know if he was saying this to me indirectly or to other Twitter people. Either way, it pissed me off because that isn’t the point of the quote that is pinned.

I guess I am kind of angry today for some reason. Little things have been pissing me off. I told my sister that my depression sucks and that I was “crazy”. She wants me to talk to my doctor. Thanks for being supportive. She doesn’t get it. I don’t know why I opened up to her. I guess if I land in the hospital again, she won’t be too surprised, which might happen if the damn psychosis gets worse. The voices have been twisting things and lately, while reading, things have been weird. Words will sort of fly around as I read them. It’s worse when I am on the Kindle. I have been really getting into one of the books I am reading. It’s called “creating an online presence”. It’s a good book and I can’t seem to put it down. It’s my new obsession. I thought I had lost the download because last night before bed, I couldn’t open it or find out how to open it. I must have spent a few minutes just repeatedly touching the document and it wouldn’t go to Kindle. And then I went to Kindle app but it wasn’t there. It was scaring me because I just finished reading it that morning. I did find it on one of the screen pages called “recent” on the Fire. So I guess that is where to go if I want to continue reading it. Very frustrating.

Last night, I had to use the Crisis text line. The voices were really bad and wanted me to not only take my meds, but the entire bottle of the various meds that I take. They were very insistent. I don’t know why they are worse during the night than the day. It’s like the static that I hear during the day turns into the voices that are speaking and they are telling me to do things. I wasn’t going to act on what they were saying but I just was annoyed and didn’t know what to do. It was late at night and I knew that if I paged my psych, she would tell me to go to the ER or take my PRN. I am getting dangerously close to losing control. So far, I am okay. I am not impulsive but I fear that if I get agitated because I am angry and annoyed, things might change.

Voices still reign

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Voices still reign

I slept for about three hours before I was up again around 0400. It took me forever to get back to sleep. Before I did, I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know of my insomnia and asked if she was angry with me. I didn’t expect a response. The voices have been telling me everyone is against me and not to believe what anyone is saying. I haven’t taken any trilafon since Friday night for the paranoia. I still am feeling slightly paranoid, as I stated in my email and I am also fearful for no reason.

I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I knew it was going to be a rough day as I had so much difficulty sleeping. Around 1230, my psych responded, saying she was not angry with me and why did I think that. I started writing about the voices and then I started crying. I was relieved she wasn’t mad at me. I have been so confused that I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel like I am being spied on all the time. The heat isn’t helping matters. I had to shut the AC off because my room got too cold and now after my afternoon nap, it’s hotter than hell again. I was having a weird dream where I turned on the AC and then fell back to sleep. I guess that was why I was confused when I woke up as to how the AC was off when I turned it on.

When I was up, I was watching the game as it just started. Jerry Remy was not in the booth so there was no point in watching TV. I hate Steve Lyons. He just makes dumb calls. I think he is a terrible analyst. O’Brien isn’t too bad. But I like him better on the radio than TV. We won 2-1. Price got the win, finally. It is fun to watch him pitch but I don’t like him as a person.

The voices have been telling me to read all day. So after I write this blog, I am going to do just that. I think I am going to read the “online presence” book. That is fairly easy to read and I am having fun with it. One of the tools it showed me was Google Analytics. Unfortunately, because my website is maintained by WordPress, it can’t show me data. I am bummed. It’s a free service but I can’t use it. WordPress does provide a nice job with Stats but there are search terms that are hidden and I really would like to know what they are. I sometimes use that information for a future blog write up.

My head is once again filled with static from the voices. I don’t know how I am going to read like they want me to. I have been sad all day as I have been thinking about my father. I don’t think I am going to contact the grief counselor, least not while I am psychotic. I really don’t want any other trust issues to happen while I am going through this phase of my illness. I know I have brought it on myself because I stopped my medication but I think things will even out as time goes on. Eventually, anyway.

Post 1813

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Post 1813

I was going over my blogs. I found one that I wrote the day before my father died. I barely remember that day. I am glad I wrote it because I honestly couldn’t remember if I saw him that Sunday or not. I guess it’s good that I write these blogs because it’s like an online journal of my daily activities and thoughts and feelings. I do have a journal but to me, it’s more fun writing online than in a notebook.

Tomorrow is Father’s day. It is the first father’s day without him. I am having mixed feelings about it. I do miss my father’s crankiness. He was lonesome during the last few months of his life. I think he knew he was dying and didn’t want to be alone. He never said, least not that I know of, that he knew. His last hospitalization was his final one. I also read blogs from the beginning of April when he had pneumonia. I knew then he wasn’t going to make it home. In the end he did, but only to spend his last two hours of his life there. I never finished writing the story of that day. I have been putting it off because it hasn’t been so present in my mind.

My sister posted an old photograph of my father when he was younger on Facebook. The look that he gave was to me scary. It literally reminded me of how cruel he could be to us. Next Saturday it will be two months since his death. I still haven’t processed it. People have told me it could take as long as a year. I am like WTF, seriously? There hasn’t been a day that goes by that I don’t think about him since he died. While he was living, I could give two shits. I was always on edge for that private number to pop on my phone when the normal ringtone rang. Ready to say how high to jump when he called.

I haven’t been as psychotic or paranoid today, but then, I haven’t been outside. I have been in the house most of the day. The only time I went outside was to check the mail and get my package. I have been playing with my Fire most of the day and I finally read some of Dostoevsky as well as a new book. I don’t know why I started reading a new book but I did. This makes book six that I am reading. It’s an easy book. It’s about creating an online presence. I think I have one between the various social media that I have and my blog. I just wish I could find a way to promote my book better. I am hoping one of the ten books that I bought will show me how to do that. I know I just need to find the right audience.

I haven’t been working on my second book. I really don’t know what to write anymore or if I want a second book. I keep up with the blog hoping I will find a good writing space and write an excellent story. But that is too far and in between. So in the mean time, I am reading about books on writing and just reading in general. My father always said that it was important to read and write. I think he would be proud of the library that I have. It is very diverse, from history to psychology to mystery/crime. It was the one thing he would give me money for was books. I know I have them haphazard around my room and office, but I do take good care of them. I just need a room where I can have bookcases, like a real library. That is a dream of mine when I have my own apartment or house or in this modern world, a condo.

Psychotic Depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychotic depression

My pdoc said that grief can bring on many things. I guess I am at the phase where it’s bring on psychosis because I am vulnerable to it. For the past three days I have been experiencing increase in voices and paranoia as well as delusions. It was set off by the shooting in Orlando and then when my therapist didn’t agree with me, it intensified. I stopped taking my antipsychotic meds, though today I needed my PRN trilafon to get me through the paranoia. I can handle the voices. I just cannot stand the paranoia and agitation that goes with it.

I don’t know how long this will last. Usually, it will mean a psych hospitalization to get my symptoms under control again, which will mean going back on the med that I am not taking. I am being very risky. Voices can be very hard to control once they get out of control. I know this from past experience. But I don’t care this time. I don’t trust anyone. And after the mishap in the pharmacy, I am not really trusting my psychiatrist anymore. She wants me to follow up with her. I will in three weeks when I see her again.

I feel like I am being watched all the time. Strangers are the worse because I think they are following me or trying to listen in on the conversation I am having with the voices. I see my therapist on Tuesday in person. I also see her Wednesday in person. She doesn’t know this yet. I have arranged it because I miss her and I would like to see her like old times. Trouble is that she doesn’t like it when I am psychotic. I don’t think she gets it. My psychiatrist gets it more than my therapist does. I just know I don’t want to be on the meds anymore. I will take my other meds just not the abilify.

I really needed someone to talk to tonight. My cousin was supposed to call me but never did. I can’t count on him for nothing anymore. He doesn’t want to listen to me like he used to. I am very sad at this. The one person that understands is abandoning me. But it’s typical of my family. They say they will be there for you but when that time come to be there, they have other plans. It’s so rough. I know I have blogger friends I can talk to. But it’s not the same as family.

I feel so frustrated by today’s events. It shouldn’t have happened. The pharmacist should have filled my prescription and not try to play like they were doctors that knew better. It wasn’t a big deal. I have been on this medication before and never had a problem filling it, until now. It really stressed me out, more than what I was already. I hope my psychiatrist can understand this. I just feel like everyone is against me right now. The weird part is that I am depression but I haven’t moved into the darkness part of the depression. I just am psychotic and delusional and paranoid. I haven’t been this way in quite some time. I know I am taking a chance not taking my meds anymore because when I do go back on it, it might now work as well as it did. The trilafon is helping as I feel much calmer and the voices that are bothering me are hushed, least for now.

The depression is not all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t feel sad anymore, just gloomy. It’s an awful feeling to be this down and not know how to express my feelings. It’s easier to talk about the voices because they are much more interesting.